With the news cycle set to "fast" these days, we often lose track of people who seemed to be all over the media landscape not so long ago. Today, we revisit a figure you may well have forgotten: Pope Francis. What has the old fellow been up to, since his 15 minutes passed? Oh, just living life the way any older person might go about their business. Here, some people are helping him unlock his apartment after a mishap. The people helping Francis are telling him that there's a spare key in case he loses this one again. It's going to be all right!
It's tough to imagine a news cycle more exciting than waiting for a gaggle of old men in white dresses who are quietly thinking about consensus (and decades-long organized coverups of global pedophilia rings operated by the Catholic Church), but a miracle has occurred in Washington, D.C., to turn our attention away from the Vatican: There is a sinkhole in the Adams Morgan neighborhood. We know, we know, How could anyone tell?
The reaction has been as fast as it has been snide.
"Cardinal O'Brien has been accused of committing 'inappropriate acts' in his relations with three priests and one former priest from the diocese of St. Andrews and Edinburgh, British newspaper The Observerreported Sunday. O'Brien has been an outspoken opponent of gay rights." —Britain's top Catholic cardinal is skipping the papal election because of new revelations that he tried to bone four different priests. I wonder if reporters laugh when typing this stuff the way I laugh when reading it.
When this Ratzinger character first became the pope in 2005, it finally seemed like there really was a God … and He obviously loved all the funny pictures and animated GIFs and Star Wars references and constant talk about Hitler on the Internet. Joseph Ratzinger was many things, none of them good, yet paradoxically he was also so very, very good for the Internet. In a way, he was the Internet in human form, much as Jesus Christ or Shiva or Thor were all supposedly God in human form.
Anyway, such great material! We're all going to miss him very much. Sadly, the next pope ("The Last Pope," according [...]
Joseph Ratzinger, the World War II hero who miraculously became the pope even after his army lost the war, is jumping on the Twitter bandwagon—if by "jumping" you mean "having his handlers announce, two months in advance, that a papal Twitter account will be launched at year's end." Also, the pope will not actually be typing crazy tweets about Obama being a Kenyan and gay people not being able to get married because they are infected by Satan. (Just kidding, the latter position is actually Vatican doctrine.) What kind of elderly sociopath right-wing public figure doesn't type his or her own insane observations on Twitter? Somebody doesn't understand Twitter is [...]
There's a new pope! UPDATE: IT IS … uh, it's in Latin. Francesco something? JORGE MARIO BERGOGLIO. The world will not end after all, unless this latest Last Pope is the real Last Pope. There was white smoke, some inexplicable cheering, and then it was all over.
So … he's one of the oldest (the oldest?) cardinal there. He is an ultra-conservative Argentinian. And, after walking out and looking confused, as old men often do, said some terrifying thing about how he will bring about the End of the World. What's the translation here? No, he's from the end of the world. He's a time traveler. He came here [...]
The first time you hear a very clear Chinese woman's voice say "Sou Sou!" in your living room while you are supposedly alone, it is natural to brush it off. There are so many things making noises all the time! The second time, weeks later, when you're sitting alone by the fireplace reading at midnight, is terrifying. At this point, it is natural to wonder if this is how Moses or Allah or Jesus or Neale Donald Walsch or Oral Roberts or Ted Nugent or Charles Manson felt, when they first heard voices telling them what to do. But what did "Sou Sou!" even mean? It seemed less like [...]
The Catholic God allegedly dictated an entire Holy Bible to his Jewish and early Christian followers before vanishing from this planet forever, but God's chosen leader of His church in Rome will be closing down the @Pontifex Twitter account less than three months after beginning to use the free social networking service. The inexplicable hullabaloo began in 2011, when Joseph Ratzinger sat in his flowing silken robes and tapped out a tweet on an iPad. But, like so many people who fail to make a splash on Twitter the first time, he drifted away and then started another Twitter account at the end of 2012—this time documented by [...]
For the first time since the Middle Ages, the bishop of Rome is quitting rather than let God decide when it's time for a new pope. Let's celebrate the remarkable career of Joseph Benedict, a lowly Nazi who somehow ended up presiding over the Catholic Church's global sex-abuse coverup and its 21st century jihad against gay people.
The Pope's leadership of 1.2 billion Catholics has been beset by child sexual abuse crises that tarnished the Church, one address in which he upset Muslims and a scandal over the leaking of his private papers by his personal butler.
Micro-blogging service Twitter struggles with corporate and celebrity users who refuse to follow industry standards for social media engagement. Case in point: Twitter user @Pontifex, apparently an elderly World War II veteran with an inexplicably large online following, has outraged millions of Twitter users by refusing to follow anyone but his own duplicate accounts. The rudeness reached such a point today that the end-user has finally given in to intense pressure to retire his Twitter accounts and also give up his job leading a global pedophilia ring headquartered in a European castle.
But there is a #fail even with this alleged cessation of the @Pontifex Twitter account, which [...]
When the most trusted man in America says something like "What's going on here?", then something is most certainly going on here. Popes, after all, do not "quit" like some deluded star of a network situation comedy. Popes "quit" in the way the mythological first pope, Saint Peter, gave up the duties of his office: by upside-down crucifixion. Or, more generally, death. As Joseph Ratzinger is not technically dead, he is the pope until death, unless he believes he is mightier than God [...]