"Screw this planet crap, I'm just gonna go crazy and load myself up with moons." —Pluto

Pluto is turning red. Apparently the funny little 1,467-mile-wide ball of rock and ice that snobby earthlings named after a cartoon dog before stripping of official "planet" status four years ago is entering a new phase in its 248-year-long seasonal cycle. "These changes are most likely consequences of surface ice melting on the sunlit pole and then re-freezing on the other pole," said NASA, in a statement issued by its Space Telescope Science Institute. Other astronomers, though, aren't so sanguine. Marc Buie, of the Southwest Research Institute in Texas says, "It's a little bit of a surprise to see these changes happening so big and so fast. This is [...]

"Freezing, distant Pluto seems an odd place to look for oceanfront real estate, but if a new computer model is correct, the dwarf planet harbors a sizeable pool of liquids beneath its thick icy shell. Scientists suspect Pluto holds a rocky core spiked with radioactive materials that are slowly breaking down, releasing enough heat in the process to melt ice and keep it liquid. The temperature on Pluto's surface is about -375 degrees Fahrenheit." —Whoa! Sorry, Pluto. We never would have demoted you to non-official planet status if we knew you were loaded with radioactive-potassium flavor boosters.

A dedicated band of insurgents, including angry Illinoisans, bitter nostalgists, and astronomers who reject the authority of the International Astronomical Union to make such determinations, are continuing the struggle to restore Pluto's status as a planet. I just thought you'd like to know.

It's April 7, National Pluto Day! All over America, schoolchildren are fleeing the classroom, workers are ditching the office early, hobos are tossing aside their bottles of grain alcohol, and housewives are ignoring the laundry. Instead, they're all lining up at their local comics store, B&N, or otaku emporium to buy the finale, Volume 8, of Naoki Urasawa's unbelievably enjoyable manga series Pluto. Soon the gorgeous spring weather will help pack our parks and playgrounds with happy readers feverishly turning the pages of Volume 8. Happy Pluto Day!