Good news for nostalgic masturbators: Playboy has put its entire magazine archive online. Jerk off like you did the very first time!

Dear Lexis/Nexis onsite training executive,

I'm sorry you had to learn my secret password.

Hugh Hefner got philosophic about the most recent boom of 3-D and customer demand for it, asking "What would people most like to see in 3-D?" You may not be surprised that his answer was: "Probably a naked lady." And lo, the June issue of Hefner's bible to manhood Playboy will be packaged with a pair of vision-warping glasses and a picture of "a very blurry" Hope Dworaczyk, who has been crowned Playmate Of The Year. Playboy editorial director Jimmy Jellinek is also hoping that with this up-close-and-personal glimpse at Dworaczyk's best assets, readers will take a moment to be reminded of magazines' place in the cultural firmament:

All our prayers have been answered! The long-rumored appearance of "Hills" star Heidi Montag in the pages of Playboy is actually going to happen. The spread will include tasteful nudity, a source told People magazine. Montag, who recently wed longtime partner and "Hills" co-star Spencer Pratt, is-HOLY SHIT I FORGOT WHERE I WORKED FOR A MINUTE. Can you imagine actually having to do this all day? Good lord. I'm gonna go read the New York Review of Books and pat myself on the back for how highbrow I am.

Entrepreneur and reality-TV star Hugh Hefner has saved the Hollywood sign from evil "luxury estate" developers with a $900,000 grant to a conservation group. "My childhood dreams and fantasies came from the movies, and the images created in Hollywood had a major influence on my life and Playboy," said Hef. You'd think that Hef and Playboy have certainly given back to Hollywood on the "major influence" front, but I guess every little bit of extra cash helps against the still-inexplicably encroaching menace of self-proclaimed high-end housing! [Pic via]

Via Romenesko, bad news for Playboy: Folio reports that the publisher announced first quarter losses of $13.7 million, forcing the company to consider "'radical changes' to its print business model," including increasing prices, lowering the rate base, and publishing less frequently. We asked Playboy founder and Chief Creative Officer Hugh Hefner to comment on the turmoil affecting his creation. He graciously agreed.*