The Awl http://www.theawl.com/ Be Less Stupid Tue, 23 Mar 2010 15:40:09 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.2 The Planets: What You Need To Know http://www.theawl.com/2010/03/the-planets-what-you-need-to-know http://www.theawl.com/2010/03/the-planets-what-you-need-to-know#comments Tue, 23 Mar 2010 15:40:09 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2010/03/the-planets-what-you-need-to-know Bunch of bastardsScience: "NEPTUNE may have polished off a super-Earth that once roamed the outer solar system and stolen its moon to boot. The brutal deed could explain mysterious heat radiating from the icy planet and the odd orbit of its moon Triton." Yes, that gluttonous orb that is Neptune may very well have eaten another planet and absconded with its satellite, but is that really much of a surprise? All of our planets are selfish, vengeful scumbags. Here are some of the terrible secrets about them that may come as news to you.

Mercury: This "warrior" planet is always up for a scrape, and it doesn't care how big the opponent. Known for getting extremely belligerent, particularly when drunk, Mercury once fought an entire solar system during a tequila bender. Even though it got its ass kicked, it didn't learn its lesson, and will still "bust a cap" in another planet's "ass" if it gets too close to its orbit.

Venus: Venus pretends to be everyone's best friend, but the moment your rotation turns toward the sun, it starts saying terrible things about you to other planets, revealing personal confidences it had sworn to keep to itself. Once slept with Uranus' boyfriend when Uranus was out of town.

Earth: Due to its deep-seated arrogance and disregard for the effects its actions might have on anyone else, Earth was responsible for causing the financial crisis through the manipulation of a series of complex structured asset-backed securities whose value was derived from a portfolio of fixed-income underlying assets.

Mars: Never passes up a chance to make an anti-Semitic joke.

Jupiter: This prick thinks that just because it's the biggest thing out there it can do whatever it wants, a list that includes cheating at cards, lying about its SAT scores, and taking a giant dump on the kitchen table of Uranus' boyfriend during that party he threw when Uranus was out of town.

Saturn: Oh my God, is there any planet more boring than Saturn? Do not get stuck next to it during a party unless you want to hear a two-hour monologue on how the work of Michelangelo Antonioni was far superior to that of any of his contemporaries but is never credited as such because of the philistine nature of the average filmgoer. Also, always makes a big show of saying that he's bi, but actually only sleeps with men (including, one drunken night, Uranus' boyfriend).

Uranus: Boo hoo hoo, I'm such a victim! My boyfriend always sleeps around on me but I never leave him, even after that one night when he hit me! WE GET IT, Uranus, it's tough to be you. Yes, it must suck to have a name that makes everyone immediately think of the anus of the person they are talking to, but show a little spine. Your lack of self-esteem is like a giant fucking "kick me" sign that shines across the solar system. And it wouldn't kill you to work out a bit, if you know what I mean.

Neptune: Planet-eater, asteroid-raper, unrepentant Journey fan.

Pluto: Kidding! You're not a planet, Pluto! Nice try sneaking onto this list, but you're out, do you hear me? OUT.

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]]> Bunch of bastardsScience: "NEPTUNE may have polished off a super-Earth that once roamed the outer solar system and stolen its moon to boot. The brutal deed could explain mysterious heat radiating from the icy planet and the odd orbit of its moon Triton." Yes, that gluttonous orb that is Neptune may very well have eaten another planet and absconded with its satellite, but is that really much of a surprise? All of our planets are selfish, vengeful scumbags. Here are some of the terrible secrets about them that may come as news to you.

Mercury: This "warrior" planet is always up for a scrape, and it doesn't care how big the opponent. Known for getting extremely belligerent, particularly when drunk, Mercury once fought an entire solar system during a tequila bender. Even though it got its ass kicked, it didn't learn its lesson, and will still "bust a cap" in another planet's "ass" if it gets too close to its orbit.

Venus: Venus pretends to be everyone's best friend, but the moment your rotation turns toward the sun, it starts saying terrible things about you to other planets, revealing personal confidences it had sworn to keep to itself. Once slept with Uranus' boyfriend when Uranus was out of town.

Earth: Due to its deep-seated arrogance and disregard for the effects its actions might have on anyone else, Earth was responsible for causing the financial crisis through the manipulation of a series of complex structured asset-backed securities whose value was derived from a portfolio of fixed-income underlying assets.

Mars: Never passes up a chance to make an anti-Semitic joke.

Jupiter: This prick thinks that just because it's the biggest thing out there it can do whatever it wants, a list that includes cheating at cards, lying about its SAT scores, and taking a giant dump on the kitchen table of Uranus' boyfriend during that party he threw when Uranus was out of town.

Saturn: Oh my God, is there any planet more boring than Saturn? Do not get stuck next to it during a party unless you want to hear a two-hour monologue on how the work of Michelangelo Antonioni was far superior to that of any of his contemporaries but is never credited as such because of the philistine nature of the average filmgoer. Also, always makes a big show of saying that he's bi, but actually only sleeps with men (including, one drunken night, Uranus' boyfriend).

Uranus: Boo hoo hoo, I'm such a victim! My boyfriend always sleeps around on me but I never leave him, even after that one night when he hit me! WE GET IT, Uranus, it's tough to be you. Yes, it must suck to have a name that makes everyone immediately think of the anus of the person they are talking to, but show a little spine. Your lack of self-esteem is like a giant fucking "kick me" sign that shines across the solar system. And it wouldn't kill you to work out a bit, if you know what I mean.

Neptune: Planet-eater, asteroid-raper, unrepentant Journey fan.

Pluto: Kidding! You're not a planet, Pluto! Nice try sneaking onto this list, but you're out, do you hear me? OUT.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/03/the-planets-what-you-need-to-know/feed 18 Our New Home Awaits! http://www.theawl.com/2009/12/our-new-home-awaits http://www.theawl.com/2009/12/our-new-home-awaits#comments Thu, 17 Dec 2009 10:44:58 +0000 Choire Sicha http://www.theawl.com/2009/12/our-new-home-awaits THIS WILL BE MEI'm always suspicious when they announce the discovery of a new, semi-Earth-like planet mere hours before the opening of a mega space opera movie. Like, okay James Cameron, what CAN'T you manipulate? And yet there it is, announced yesterday: GJ 1214b, a planet a mere 13 parsecs away (just 247 trillion miles! I think that is like maybe a couple weeks of travel time in hypersleep, right you guys?) that is less than three times the size of earth, entirely covered in maybe-water, at a delightful surface temperature of 374°F. We are all going to live there! I can't wait! With our gills and our pressure pills and our exoskeletons!

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]]> THIS WILL BE MEI'm always suspicious when they announce the discovery of a new, semi-Earth-like planet mere hours before the opening of a mega space opera movie. Like, okay James Cameron, what CAN'T you manipulate? And yet there it is, announced yesterday: GJ 1214b, a planet a mere 13 parsecs away (just 247 trillion miles! I think that is like maybe a couple weeks of travel time in hypersleep, right you guys?) that is less than three times the size of earth, entirely covered in maybe-water, at a delightful surface temperature of 374°F. We are all going to live there! I can't wait! With our gills and our pressure pills and our exoskeletons!

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/12/our-new-home-awaits/feed 24 Planets http://www.theawl.com/2009/11/planets http://www.theawl.com/2009/11/planets#comments Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:44:56 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2009/11/planets Not Uranus
Here are some images of the planets in our solar system that are more recent than may be familiar with! The one above is Saturn! I wanted to do Uranus, because that joke never gets old, but the picture was kind of eh.

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]]> Not Uranus
Here are some images of the planets in our solar system that are more recent than may be familiar with! The one above is Saturn! I wanted to do Uranus, because that joke never gets old, but the picture was kind of eh.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/11/planets/feed 12 Assload Of New Planets Discovered http://www.theawl.com/2009/10/assload-of-new-planets-discovered http://www.theawl.com/2009/10/assload-of-new-planets-discovered#comments Mon, 19 Oct 2009 15:20:19 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2009/10/assload-of-new-planets-discovered I'm naming this one "Bootyhole" because "Uranus" jokes are so played out.NEWS FROM SPACE: "Astronomers have found 32 new planets outside the solar system, adding evidence to the theory that the universe has many places where life could develop. Scientists using European Southern Observatory telescopes did not find any planets quite the size of Earth or any that seemed habitable or even unusual. But their announcement increased the number of planets discovered outside the solar system to more than 400." Great! Now let's try to blow them up!

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]]> I'm naming this one "Bootyhole" because "Uranus" jokes are so played out.NEWS FROM SPACE: "Astronomers have found 32 new planets outside the solar system, adding evidence to the theory that the universe has many places where life could develop. Scientists using European Southern Observatory telescopes did not find any planets quite the size of Earth or any that seemed habitable or even unusual. But their announcement increased the number of planets discovered outside the solar system to more than 400." Great! Now let's try to blow them up!

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/10/assload-of-new-planets-discovered/feed 21