Sad news: Remember how, when you were a little kid, your grandpa would put you on his knee and inculcate the spirit of entrepreneurship by repeating the age-old phrase, "Build a better asswipe and the world will beat a path to your door?" Well, it turns out that sentiment is no longer true in our fast-paced, risk-averse, what-have-you-wiped-for-me-lately world. Comfort Wipe, the revolutionary ass-wiping device we talked about last week, has been discontinued before it could even see the dark of ass. Ah, well. I guess that's how it goes in the invention business. Back to the ass-wiping board!

If you haven't seen this yet, you probably still have a small bit of faith in humanity left. I remember when I was once like you! (Better: "The next time I'm tempted to eat fast food or something, I'm going to remember that nothing tastes as good as being able to wipe your own ass feels.")