"When her amorous advances were repeatedly rejected by her live-in boyfriend, Krystle Harrison allegedly 'bit his penis' in retaliation, police allege."
• In Impotence: A Cultural History, Angus McLaren, and leave it to a scholar named Angus, found a 17th century French midwife with a suggestion: "An enchanted husband should drink water from the mouth of a 'young stone horse.'" (To be performed, apparently, while the horse himself is drinking.) My new favorite euphemism for horny and limp is now "enchanted," but better yet: try "due benevolence" for sex. In the same study, "Nicholas Culpeper and midwife Jane Sharp recommended that a man, who due to magic could not give his wife 'due benevolence,' should piss through her wedding ring." That can’t be good for the ring. Culpeper’s Complete Herbal [...]
Do you think when vandals paint giant penises on things they start off by thinking, "This is going to be the best giant penis anyone has yet painted," or is it more about getting the job done—"Another day, another giant penis to paint"—and moving on? Either way, you have to appreciate commitment to the form.
"One of the easiest and most effective forms of birth control out there is something you've probably never heard of. WHY haven't you heard of it before?"
What's nice about this headline is grandparents can tell their grandchildren what "Chubby Checker" is, while grandchildren can explain "penis app."
"How long will Anthony Weiner's trial balloon stay up?" Haha, get it?
"I would characterize it sort of like a powerful interest group within a political party at this point. It used to be the entire political party." —Iggy Pop explains his current relationship with his penis.
"And a note on Batman’s penis, which I thought of last week and feel compelled to share with you — I don’t think it’s the biggest penis out there, just like Batman’s not the biggest, strongest dude. Batman’s body is the human body at its maximum physical potential, which means his penis is at the maximum potential, too. Which isn’t entirely about size, but also concerns girth and shape. It can’t be too big, because that could hurt some folk, plus it would probably get in the way of his crimefighting. There’s some perfect size ratio out there for providing maximum sexual pleasure to the greatest amount of people, and [...]
Nate Silver Says Anthony Weiner Has No Chance, So Let's Save Our Penis Jokes For Someone Who Deserves Them
"Of these four candidates, Mr. Weiner has the least room to grow, because nearly half of voters who recognize his name view him unfavorably." —Hahaha, nice one, Nate Silver!
"I'm wearing pants, for fuck's sake. Lay off. I mean, it's not like I'm a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn't part of the deal…" —I would like to see Jon Hamm's contract just to verify this.
"[I]t turns out there is more than one way to stretch a penis."
"If you are a man who has been cursed with a less than generous handout in the pants department you might want to look away now. New research by the Journal of Sexual Medicine has shown that contrary to popular (wishful?) thinking penis size does matter when it comes to pleasing a woman in bed. The good news is that it only matters for some women and some types of orgasms." —But good luck finding them. Now that the secret is out, everyone with a tiny todger is going to be on the hunt for these women. Sorry about your curse. [Previously]
"Penis Soup" would be a good name for a band, but it seems like a bad name for a soup. Nor does it seem like a particularly appetizing soup regardless of what it's called. In fact, probably best not to name your band after it.
"A penis in repose, although it seems floppy and relaxed, is actually in a state of constant, moderate contraction. The tube of smooth muscle that runs down its center is mildly tensed. So are the linings of the thousands of tiny blood vessels that crisscross the organ. Further contraction of this muscle and the arteries is what accounts for shrinkage in cold weather or water. So although a penis in the process of erecting can seem like it’s springing into action, it’s actually submitting to a crucial, and opposite, process. First it must relax." —There's a whole bunch about penises going on right here. A veritable peniscopia, if [...]
"Kilts, worn as they were meant to be worn, without underwear, lets our laddies swing freely in the breeze, creating, according to researcher Erwin Kompanje, the 'ideal physiological scrotal environment.' Exposed to the bracing Highland coolness, testicles will make robust sperm."
"Size really does matter, according to a study which found that a man's attractiveness is at least in part determined by what he carries in his trousers."
If you haven't heard of Sigurður Hjartarson by name, you've probably heard of his penis… museum. Hjartarson and his son Hjörtur Sigurðsson own and manage The Icelandic Phallological Museum in Reykjavik, which has the world's largest collection of penises and related artifacts (283 and counting!). This winter I finally got the chance to visit, along with my good friend Mara. My first surprise was how sleek and modern it looked from the outside: large frosted windows with "The Icelandic Phallological Museum" printed in neat type in various languages, almost in the style of commemorative glass plaques. From a distance, one might mistake the building for an art gallery or office [...]
"You can see the variety in the collection of silver penises cast from the Icelandic handball team, which won the silver medal at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. That’s a lotta penises all in one place. And all the players are very different in length, width, shape and all that." —Alex Witze and Jeff Kanipe visit the Icelandic Phallological Museum in Laugavegur, where there are more than 280 penises on display, representing 93 species. (Yes, they took pictures, including one of the handball team's silver penises.) I wonder whether the collection includes all of what The Week magazine recently declared to be "The 9 Weirdest Animal [...]