The Awl

Scottish Penguins Do Bad Thing

Alex Balk — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 09:40:33 +0000

Good morning! "PANDA fans are kicking up a stink — because they're being bombarded by PENGUIN POO. Visitors queuing to see star attractions Sweetie and Sunshine at Edinburgh Zoo are being pelted by the smelly droppings.... A 41-year-old visitor told us: 'We were queuing to see the pandas when a man in front shouted — he'd been hit by a big dollop of poo. It was disgusting.'"

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PandaCow: The Cow That Looks Like A Panda

Alex Balk — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 10:00:42 +0000

It's a cow! It's a panda! It's the result of a genetic manipulation that is a testament to all the super-important uses we are putting Science to these days! It's PandaCow! Man, it's going to be another great year for wacky animal stories, I just know it.

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Pandas! Pandas! Pandas!

Dave Bry — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 11:30:59 +0000

"The boon in panda numbers at the Chengdu centre has largely been attributed to the innovative 'twin swapping' technique. More than half of pandas give birth to two cubs at a time but only care for one. It is assumed that as pandas cannot store fat, they lack the milk or energy to care for more than one cub at a time. Whenever a cub was abandoned after birth, keepers at the Chengdu centre swiftly moved it to an incubator. Panda mothers were tricked into caring for twins as staff stealthily rotated them between their mother and the incubators."
—Female giant pandas have an annual fertility period that lasts only 12 to 24 hours. Males have problematically short panda penises. The animals seem to forget how to have sex in captivity, and react poorly to being shown sex-ed videos or given viagra. Still, miraculously, conservationists at China's Chengdu Panda Breeding Research Center have successfully raised 168 cubs since starting their efforts in 1987.

Now they say that within 15 years, they will try to reintroduce the endangered creatures into their natural environment of wild mountain bamboo forests—all the remaining of which will presumably be domed in plexiglass and rigged for 24-hour video camera surveillance by then. This is good. The things are obviously going crazy all penned up like they are.

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Dancing Panda Bear

David Cho — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 17:01:48 +0000

Believe it or not, if you make a viral video of a bear dancing to rap music, that does not necessarily mean that the editors of this website will automatically post it. In fact, even if you have argued with them for longer than it took to even make the video and upload it to YouTube, they still won't agree to post it. But you know what, sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands and share your gift with the world. So I present to you: "Dancing Panda Bear" by David Cho.

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The Very Hungry Panda Bear

Alex Balk — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 13:10:41 +0000

We will forgo the usual discussion as to whether pandas are actually bears-they are not-to note that, whatever side of the debate you come down on, you've got to admit they do home invasions much more adorably than their ursine counterparts.

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Brainy Panda Bears Make Their Escape, Plot Heist

Alex Balk — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 15:10:34 +0000

Watch in amazement as one of the team in this slick panda bear duo distracts their minder while the other conspirator facilitates their egress. Pandas! They will do ANYTHING not to have to have sex with each other!

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The Man Who Wants To Destroy The Pandas

Alex Balk — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 12:40:56 +0000

BBC presenter Chris Packham has caused controversy by suggesting that we let pandas-nature's most adorable creatures-shuffle off this mortal coil. "Here is a species that, of its own accord, has gone down an evolutionary cul-de-sac. It's not a strong species. Unfortunately, it's big and cute and a symbol of the World Wide Fund for Nature and we pour millions of pounds into into panda conservation. I reckon we should pull the plug. Let them go, with a degree of dignity," said Packham of the animals who are just the cutest things in the world. Look at that sleepy baby panda trying to climb in the video there! Who would want to live on a planet without that? Packham later offered an apology for upsetting people with his remarks. He added, "Also we should cull puppies. Gotta go!"

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Baby Panda Cub Goes "Wheeeeee"

Alex Balk — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 12:02:57 +0000

Your forecast for the day: "Lots of pandas." Yes, August has finally got the best of me. I'm gonna go bang my head against the wall until it knocks something loose. Watch this in the meantime.

Previously In The Awl's Groundbreaking Baby Animal Video Series: Baby Panda Confuses, Disgusts
AND: Even more bear videos!

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