Posts Tagged: Open Letters
46

To Karl Ove Knausgård, Re: Your Tortured Feelings for the Gays

Dear Karl Ove,

I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you, but as curious as I've been about your work, I had to overcome my suspicion and jealousy resulting from the onslaught of critical praise and (though I wish I could ignore such things) rock-star photographs of your L'Oreal hair and heavy smoking habit. In any case, with the understanding that the third volume of My Struggle (Boyhood Island) was recently published in the U.S., I just finally finished the first one (A Death in the Family). I have to admit, I was impressed by the opening section. Your meditation on the decay of a human [...]

16

TMZ Thinks the Epidemic of Prison Rape Is Hilarious

Dear TMZ,

Your recent email blast of this morning? The one headlined "TMZ EXCLUSIVE: Balloon Dad — Don't Worry About Dropping Soap," which begins "Richard Heene won't have to worry about the "shower situation" in lockdown — TMZ has learned dude will get to shower alone"? This suggests that you require some forcible reeducation. (Particularly as you are an outfit with a gay man in charge.) We hereby sentence you to read the Human Rights Watch paper on prison rape and also to get, for the office, a guest speaker from Just Detention International. Here, you can read testimony from people who have been raped in [...]

23

An Open Letter to Joggers: People Are Trying To Smoke Here!

Dear Prospect Park runner:

You've asked the smokers along your running route to "abide by the unwritten rules of smoking appropriateness and do not harsh the mellow of my running space with nicotine clouds." In return for this favor, you will "suspend the overly-theatrical waving away of your smoke clouds and the pulling of my shirt over my head to block the polluted air when you walk past." Well, as gracious as that offer is, the smoking population of this city would rather you not suspend these flailing motions of yours. We find those quite humorous!

11

An Open Letter to London: This Goldman Sachs Scam Is Old

Dear London Mayor Boris Johnson and Darren Johnson, AKA, the funsy gay guy who is chair of the London Assembly;

So you two do realize that this is a transparent ruse, yes? That Goldman Sachs "is understood to be considering its options in the wake of the UK's windfall tax on bankers' bonuses, a new 50pc top income tax rate, and increased banking regulations" is hilarious, and it is also a dead giveaway that the Telegraph uses the phrasing "is understood" to introduce this idea. Let's see: here's an incredibly-secretive, super-private financial institution of which it can be "understood" that they're going directly to the papers as [...]

29

Five Years in New York: To the Class of 2010 from the Class of 2005

To whom it may concern:

It has been exactly five years since I graduated from a prestigious-if interchangeable with many that are similarly-named-university in New England called Wesleyan and moved to the capital of the world. Though apartment living is but one aspect of life, I should warn you that this letter consists primarily of fond memories of slipshod landlords and asbestos-ridden antechambers. If this is not something that interests you, you will surely perish in New York and ought to make a U-turn on the George Washington Bridge as soon as you can. Over the course of the past 1,825 days on this island-Long Island, that is, and [...]

74

Dear Keith Gessen: "What is This Intellectual Mumbo-Jumbo??"

Oh hi Keith Gessen,

For starters: I like you. It was fun waving at you last night from my car as I went by!

Now, on to the other stuff.