The Awl

Do Not Talk to This Man if You See Him on the Street

Choire Sicha — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 16:30:49 +0000

"He had already told me a lunatic story about meeting a hooker who knew a gay porn actor who did security for Christina Aguilera and had knowledge of a transvestite that a Yankees star kept in an apartment on Central Park South. The gay porn actor also happened to be diddling a Hollywood director. Via this most exotic of connections, Howie claimed to have had a few conversations with the director, who had put him in touch with his agent at Creative Artists Agency. The agent stopped taking Howie's calls within the week."
—It doesn't take long in the endlessly sordid tale of the life of Howard Spira for the line "Do you know who I am?" to crop up. Yegads!!!

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"Straight Men are Doing Stranger Workouts"

Choire Sicha — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 14:40:31 +0000

“I think more straight men are doing stranger workouts. A lot more people are going to yoga and pilates... and it’s more social, and people are dressing up a little bit more."
The zeitgeist of New York City, according to the New York Post and a gay gadabout. Goodness. It's almost like every young person goes through the same trends every two years and announces them as global!

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Reports of 7.4 Earthquake in Japan

Choire Sicha — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 10:46:23 +0000

A 7.4 magnitude earthquake appears to have taken place in Japan ten minutes ago, with an accompanying tsunami warning. Here are the USGS maps. According to the NOAA Pacific Tsunami Warning Center, "A DESTRUCTIVE PACIFIC-WIDE TSUNAMI IS NOT EXPECTED AND THERE IS NO TSUNAMI THREAT TO HAWAII."

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Man Accidentally Explains How Stupid Men Semi-Secretly Are

Choire Sicha — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 14:30:03 +0000

Local magazine allows man to write about "man secrets." Horrible badness ensues.

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American Poet To Legally Change His Name To "American Poetry"

Choire Sicha — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 16:10:52 +0000

Our poet friend Jim Behrle has had enough (of some toxic substance). "Since I've pretty much burned through the good name my parents gave me, I've decided this is as good a time as ever to legally change my name to 'American Poetry.'"

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Wacky State Budget Mix-Up Fixed

Alex Balk — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 15:10:27 +0000

"It's like Rasputin. It never goes away."
New York governor David Paterson discusses the 2010 budget, which he signed into law last night after discovering that the bill he signed last week was actually an incorrect version mistakenly sent to him by the Assembly. Because, you know, this is New York.

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Important Thing You Need To Get For Your Kids

Alex Balk — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 15:20:49 +0000

"It's one of the most important and least expensive gifts you can give your children-or any loved one, for that matter." Can you guess what "it" is? I bet you can't!

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"How do Girls Wearing Rompers Go to the Bathroom?"

Choire Sicha — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 15:20:45 +0000

This is one of the five things you see on Twitter before you die. (Another being TWEETS FROM YOUR GLEEFUL EXECUTIONER.) It is: "How do girls wearing rompers go to the bathroom? Is it just really awkward?" Well, it had to be asked. Because apparently the romper/jumpsuit thing is out of control-so much so that the Houston Chronicle, that arbiter of fashion, is all over it. Oh yes: "There are short romper styles at Wal-Mart and elegant jumpsuits at Nordstrom and other upscale retailers." Wal-Mart, people. And "upscale"-like Nordstrom! Oh my. Also NewsNet5 is on the case: "Rompers are all the rage this summer!" Haha, oh boy. So what's the answer about the whole peeing thing?

The answer may not surprise anyone. :(

@davidcho HUGE. PAIN. IN. THE. ASS. drinking + rompers = pending disasterFri Jun 18 18:42:53 via TwitterrificA Raza
OfficialAWoWW

So you mean....

@davidcho you pee to one side.Fri Jun 18 18:49:43 via TweetDeckJen Doll
YourUnemployedD

Ah. Got it. Enjoy summer!

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SIREN.GIF 'Paris Review' Reneges On Language!

Choire Sicha — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 15:35:36 +0000

"After n+1 snuck through three more runs in the third, we knew we had to respond," writes Christopher Cox on The Paris Review's blog, in an account of that publication's recent loss to all the sporty young men of n+1 on the softball field. *HISSES* *THROWS FIT* For this transgression of English I HOLD THE ENTIRE MASTHEAD ACCOUNTABLE, but must single out (ha, sports pun, sorry!) new editor Lorin Stein and managing editor Caitlin Roper. You're dead to us now.

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Horror Chick: Do Not See 'The Human Centipede' Unless You Are a Sick, Sick Puppy, And Even Then Reconsider

Melissa Lafsky — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 12:40:19 +0000

It's time to add a new type of bad movie to the ever-growing list: The aggressively bad movie. There's no ironic badness or nudge-nudge wink-ery here-it's more like "screw you, you were sucker enough to see this movie and now we will do our best to make bile shoot straight up your esophagus and launch out your nostrils" bad. Our prime example: The Human Centipede (in theaters-or maybe just one theater, IFC). "Wait," you say, "isn't that the 'ass-to-mouth' movie?" Yes. Yes it is. In every literal and figurative sense.

Creating the deliberate gross-out is a key component of horror-using cinema to evoke that sick twisting in your stomach when you're confronted by something so nasty you instinctively cover your eyes. Much as I oh-so-subtly loathe him, Eli Roth can do a gross-out with the best of them-take the Achilles heel scene in Hostel. An effective gore scene isn't just a matter of presenting all the necessary factors in the right order. It takes skill, and nuance, and purpose. Putting all the ingredients of a meatloaf on a countertop does not a dinner make, and simply taking the most fucked up concept anyone can think of and plunking it into a movie does not equal good horror. It's more like eating a pound of raw ground beef slathered in ketchup.

Which brings us to The Human Centipede, AKA "That movie that shows you ass to mouth! Yup, we said ASS TO MOUTH! Did you get that?! You know what we mean, right?? Don't you want to SEE it now? Guys??" As expected, the plot is merely a vehicle for the rampant ass-to-mouthery: A psychotic German (redundant?) surgeon wants to sew three humans together to realize some moronic vision he's had since childhood or whatever. So he does. And it's fucking disgusting.

Here's a look for yourself (kudos to the folks at IFC for managing to cut this fetid shitpile into some semblance of a decent trailer):

If you want more detailed clips, they're on Youtube, but I have an obligation to any God that will still have me not to post them here.

Look, I'm not saying that good horror isn't often built on a repulsive concept. That's its job: To confront us with horrific things, make us contemplate the unthinkable, and thereby lead us (in my view, anyway) to a greater truth-that life is brutally random and often too short, so we should enjoy each moment to the fullest blah blah blah. I make light of it, but it's a point that never loses its power or authenticity-which is why horror movies continue to have impact.

But garbage like this is not chasing anything remotely true or meaningful. There's no higher purpose-or even just cheap entertainment from a good gory thrill. This isn't fun in any sense of the word. Nor is it well acted (the villain is a shite combo of Dr. Caligari and Sean Penn stuck in a tea party rally), or well written, or even well conceived-let's not even touch the medical impossibility of keeping three human beings alive after being sewn together, when two of them have no way of ingesting real food or water. The writers try to feed us some BS line about the two American girls being a "tissue match"-and then somehow both of them also "match" with a random Japanese dude? Please. Stop treating your audience like morons. Granted, this is an ASS TO MOUTH movie, so maybe I ask too much.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say this movie isn't even horror. Watching churlish teens get chased down and slaughtered by a madman with a mission-that's horror. Watching a clownish German yell "Feed her!" as a Japanese guy shits in a girl's mouth-that's just fetish porn. All I could do besides fight the nausea (and yes, I can say this is the first horror movie I've ever seen that brought on nausea-and not minor nausea, but "Oh shit I better know where the nearest bathroom is" nausea) was feel sorry for the actors who signed on to this literal shitshow. This kind of movie is worse than a casting couch. Worse than hardcore porn, even. At least in porn you retain some modicum of dignity. Not much-but more than you get crawling on your hands and knees for 45 minutes with your face grafted to a Japanese dude's anus and your butt surgically joined to your best friend's face.

Not too surprisingly, I've gotten into a few fights with (sick, twisted) folks who actually liked this movie. "It's unforgettable!" they argue. "It stays in your memory forever!" Yes, and so does that field hockey game where my ACL was snapped like a twig by some Sidwell chick with a left tackle build. These two memories can now live side-by-side, along with my uncle's death and the time a right-wing blogger told me to partial-birth abort myself.

So for the record: this movie is a pulsating globule of sleaze, and if you liked it then please never sit near me on a bus or subway car. And if you do, know that I carry pepper spray and nunchucks.

Melissa Lafsky is dead serious. You'd better stay the hell away.

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