The Awl

Korean Bears Think They're Korean People

Alex Balk — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 14:40:23 +0000

"[North Korea's state news agency] reported last week that a family of bears who usually hibernate through the fierce Korean winter had been seen lamenting Kim Jong-il's death. 'The bears, believed to be a mother and cubs, were staying on the road, crying woefully,' it said." [Via]

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Kim Jong-un Is Real!

Choire Sicha — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 11:30:35 +0000

Kim Jong-un, the third son of Kim Jong-il, his second with now-deceased The Respected Mother who is the Most Faithful and Loyal 'Subject' to the Dear Leader Comrade Supreme Commander (and also a former dancer), is said to be real due to a new photo and video! This jarring event takes place as North and South Korea began and then promptly ended super-awkward military talks. What's more: "U.S.-North Korean relations have worsened since President Barack Obama took office."

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Clinton Returns Home With Journalists, Clinton (The Other One) Sees Chance For Talks

Alex Balk — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 09:45:06 +0000

Bill Clinton and the two journalists he rescued from North Korea have returned safely to the United States (adorable photo here). "I am very happy that after this long ordeal, Laura Ling and Euna Lee are now home and reunited with their loved ones," said the former President in a three-line statement that shows how much the world has changed since he held office; ten years ago it would have been a small novel. In any event, as news emerges that the North Koreans specifically requested a visit from the former President as part of the release deal, his wife, who happens to be Secretary of State, told Andrea Mitchell that the whole "private humanitarian mission" may offer a new opportunity for dialogue with North Korea. Mitchell actually did ask Clinton if we could send Bill to Iran to rescue the Americans captured there yesterday, because, I guess, let's just send him everywhere now. Anyway, the Secretary had some helpful advice: Stay away from hostile countries. Because Bill's got a pretty busy schedule, and he can't spend all his time negotiating for your hostage ass.

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Bill Clinton Rescues North Korean Prisoners

Alex Balk — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 15:31:28 +0000

The breaking news out everywhere now is that Bill Clinton has succeeded in obtaining the release of the two journalists arrested earlier this year for entering into North Korea illegally. Maybe now they should send him to Iran.

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Clinton Flies In

Alex Balk — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 09:01:02 +0000

Former President Bill Clinton landed in Pynogyang this morning in an attempt to secure the release of Laura Ling and Euna Lee, two journalists arrested in March and sentenced to 12 years for illegally crossing into North Korea. While the White House is characterizing the visit as a "solely private mission," both North Korea and the United States benefit from the diplomatic encounter: North Korea gets the recognition it so desperately craves in the eyes of the world-we sent them a former President, and it wasn't Jimmy Carter!-while the United States may finally be able to achieve the journalists' safe return home. Should Clinton succeed in retrieving Ling and Lee, it will both burnish his reputation and be a big "fuck you" to Bill Richardson, who is usually the guy you fly in for these kind of things. There's been no word on how Clinton will attempt to pull it off, but there are rumors that he brought along former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger, who will surreptitiously stuff the two women down his pants when the North Koreans aren't looking.

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North Korean Insurance Scam Shocker

Alex Balk — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 12:32:14 +0000

SUSPICIOUS PERSON: Hi, I represent a secretive foreign dictatorship with a history of concealment and malfeasance and a desperate need for hard currency to help prop up the regime. I'd like to buy an insurance policy from you, although even the most gullible person would probably be able to predict that we'll manufacture any number of fraudulent claims to obtain gigantic payouts.

INSURANCE INDUSTRY: Sure, sign here!

[Curtain]

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Now We'll Go To War With North Korea--Over Current TV??

Choire Sicha — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 09:14:23 +0000

Who knew that basically Al Gore and Hillary Clinton would begin World War III together?

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Our North Korean Intelligence Sources Include Kitchen Staff

Alex Balk — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 11:07:32 +0000

Your North Korean succession story explained:

The current leader, Kim Jong-il, has three known sons. The eldest, Kim Jong-nam, was once considered the leading candidate to succeed his father, until the Disneyland episode added to rumors that his judgment was less than reliable. Kim Jong-nam is widely reported to have voracious appetites for alcohol and women, and his father apparently grew concerned that North Korea's generals would never accept him, according to a former American intelligence official.

The North Korean leader's middle son, Kim Jong-chol, 28, was another possibility, but Kenji Fujimoto, who once served as Kim Jong-il's sushi chef, wrote in a memoir that Kim Jong-il dismissed that son as "girlish," suggesting that he would not stand up to the West.

By default, that left Kim Jong-un.

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Monsters Nuke Financial Markets!

Alex Balk — Tue, 26 May 2009 09:31:40 +0000

Giant lizard attacks! North Korea nuclear tests (and subsequent proliferation)! Continuing turmoil in housing markets and a new "normal" of higher unemployment! Ben Stiller beating Christian Bale at the box office! I hope everyone enjoyed their long weekends, because it looks like TOTAL DISASTER from here on out!

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