We don't always cover every story that happens during each day's news cycle, so here's a capsule summary of recent events: President Obama was criticized for wasting taxpayer money by taking his wife Michelle to New York over the weekend; the First Couple had dinner at popular downtown restaurant Blue Hill before journeying up to Broadway, where they nationalized the theater industry. "Let me be clear," said the president, "a nation which created Carousel and Camelot cannot stand idly by while atrocities like Jersey Boys or Rock of Ages pollute our cultural marketplace week after week." Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, in Beijing, assured the Chinese government that the American dollar remained a safe investment and begged "please don't break my thumbs." The Minnesota Supreme Court heard oral arguments in the case of the disputed November senate race; the court is expected to rule in favor of Kris Allen within the next two weeks. Syracuse's S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications announced that it would present its lifetime achievement award to Susan Boyle for providing the news industry with thousands of opportunities to write articles which all say essentially the same thing. Conde Nast's revelation that an employee had contracted the swine flu brought a brief moment of confusion to Vogue staffers as they tried to figure out whether the virus "makes you, like, thinner or what." Nadya Suleman, better known as "the wise Latina woman," agreed to star in a reality show produced by a Netherlands-based company which apparently has no idea about how short American attention spans really are. The Earth continued to revolve around the sun.

1. 1. Robert J. Samuelson: "The Obama infatuation is a great unreported story of our time."
2. 2. Richard A. Clarke: "Yes, Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice may have been surprised by the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001 — but it was because they had not listened."
3. 3. Suspect Held in Kansas Abortion Doctor's Slaying and The Pro-Life Insurrection.

We don't always cover every story that happens during each day's news cycle, so here's a capsule summary of recent events: Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's proposal to close California's budget gap by killing every firstborn male child met with disapproval from Democrats, who countered by suggesting that the state could earn the money by offering to host former New York City Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik's 17,238 forthcoming criminal trials for a fee. North Korea responded angrily to reports that AT&T may have fixed the results of "American Idol" to favor finalist Kris Allen by launching a tactical nuclear strike on Ryan Seacrest; Seacrest and the nuclear missile are now officially dating. "She's just very special to me," said the Idol host while ostentatiously stroking the missile, whom he has nicknamed "Wise Latina." A tape in which Senator Roland Burris appears to be negotiating with the brother of disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich for a Senate appointment sold 608,000 copies in its first week of release, making it the biggest debut of 2009; asked about Burris, album producer Dr. Dre simply put his face in his hands and softly responded, "That fucking guy." 9.8 million viewers tuned in to the season debut of "Really? This Is What You're Doing With Your Life? You Don't Even KNOW THESE PEOPLE. Read A Goddamn Book Or Something. Anything's Better Than This Shit. I Mean, Seriously, There's A Book Right There, Read It. Fine, Whatever, Watch What You Want, You Pathetic, Gossip-Obsessed Moron Plus 8," the show's highest ratings thus far. A Dallas-area hospital supervisor was upset when her boss ordered her to take down the "Jesus Gets Me Wet" poster she had hung in her office. "I find it very frightening because if I can't display my wetness for Jesus," the woman asked, "what other freedoms will I lose before all is said and done?" The Earth continued to revolve around the sun.

We don't always cover every story that happens during each day's news cycle, so here's a capsule summary of recent events: The Dow rose nearly 200 points on news that celebrity Twitter user Ashton Kutcher might stop using the service if the microblogging platform went through with plans to shoot a series of "The Real Housewives" in Washington, DC. A Chinese investment group purchased 15% of Cleveland Cavaliers basketball star LeBron James, causing the Orlando Magic's Dwight Howard to carry out missile tests near the Sea of Japan. Mel Gibson confirmed that he had impregnated Bristol Palin, drawing immediate condemnation from New York Times op-ed columnist Ross Douthat against Palin. Regulators in several German states banned Red Bull cola after tests revealed that the beverage contained traced elements of a substance which might make Germans interesting. The Governor general of Canada gutted Jay Leno and consumed a slice of his heart in hopes of preventing the outgoing "Tonight Show" host from "delivering us into a state of torpor and despair even earlier in the evening." The Earth continued to revolve around the sun.

We don't always cover every story that happens during each day's news cycle, so here's a capsule summary of recent events: The New Hampshire State House of Representatives voted against Adam Lambert after American Idol judge Simon Cowell inserted language into the singer allowing religious institutions to prevent him from performing in their facilities. A new book alleges that President Obama is so irritated by Joe Biden's "indiscipline" that he has relieved the Vice President of all duties save recapping the CW's upcoming "Melrose Place" remake for the White House blog. Slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King's children engaged in a public dispute over the rights to the film biography of Larry King, Jr. A study showed that mockingbirds are able to remember the Gregory Peck movie but not the Harper Lee novel upon which it was based. You people have all left work and are out enjoying the sun right now while I sit here and spin my wheels, aren't you? I could type something about seeing you heinie and the sheen/appeal of it and no one would know the difference, right? It's 5 PM, why the fuck am I still at it? Screw you guys, I'm out of here. The Earth continued to revolve around the sun.

We don't always cover every story that happens during each day's news cycle, so here's a capsule summary of recent events: President Obama, flanked by Arnold Schwarzenegger, announced plans to regulate both auto emissions and computer networks which have the potential of becoming self-aware and engaging in a time-bending war against humanity; the President then knelt down and allowed the California governor to stroke his hair. Sri Lanka's government confirmed the death of Tamil Tiger guerrilla leader Velupillai Prabhakaran; House Speaker Nancy Pelosi immediately held a press conference to deny that she had ever seen a name with so many vowels in it before. Steven Spielberg's DreamWorks acquired the rights to the life of Martin Luther King, Jr.; the studio is rumored to be planning a computer-animated 3-D extravaganza entitled Martins Vs. Aliens in which the slain civil rights leader, voiced by Robert Pattinson, will battle oppression, injustice, and buglike warriors from outer space. NBC canceled the Jason Lee sitcom "My Name Is Earl" after learning that "Weeds" actress Mary Louise Parker would not show her nipples in it. Mark Cuban's brother-in-law came forward with details of an alleged contract allowing the Dallas Mavericks owner to insult Denver Nuggets forward Kenyon Martin's mother while they were filming their NBA conference semi-finals. The Earth continued to revolve around the sun.

We don't always cover every story that happens during each day's news cycle, so here's a capsule summary of recent events: President Barack Obama delivered a commencement address at the University of Notre Dame on Sunday in which he appealed to those on both sides of the abortion issue to seek common ground "on the topics where we all agree, like Mel Gibson knocking up his girlfriend. How many kids does that guy need?" India's ruling Congress party received a sweeping mandate in the nation's parliamentary election; officials celebrated by razing the homes of anyone involved with Oscar-winning film Slumdog Millionaire. The United Nations is poised to name former President Bill Clinton its special envoy to Hooters. Real estate developer Donald Trump announced that he estimates his net worth based on a complex logarithm composed of such variables as "the pollen count," "the number of new entries in Billboard's Heatseekers Chart," and "how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if such a thing were possible." Caroline Kennedy denied rumors that she withdrew her candidacy for appointment to New York's vacant Senate seat at the request of Anna Wintour. Newsweek unveiled its new design; the 76-year-old weekly will now be composed solely of photos captured from airport "whole body imaging" screeners. The Fox television network announced that it was cancelling ABC's "Samantha Who?" Michael Phelps decided to retire from acting to focus on Ashley Olsen's fashion career. New search engine Wolfram Alpha is watching you. The Earth continued to revolve around the sun.

We don't always cover every story that happens during each day's news cycle, so here's a capsule summary of what transpired today: An Australian news program aired footage which U.S. President Obama had recently decided against releasing because it might further inflame anti-American opinion; the video shows NBC Entertainment Co-Chairman Ben Silverman dancing around in a towel. Guantanamo Bay detainee Kristin Cavallari was released from custody and flown out of the military base to join Quentin Tarantino at Cannes. The Pope completed an 8-day trip to the Middle East by calling on people of all faiths to "reject the intrinsic evil of Adam Lambert." British voters continued to express outrage at a Parliamentary scandal in which it has been revealed that MPs sold sensitive information about Farrah Fawcett's anal cancer to the National Enquirer. MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann abruptly announced that he was taking the evening off "in honor of [Matt Houston star] Lee Horsley's 54th birthday." Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich attacked speculation that Leonardo DiCaprio would play the role of Frank Sinatra in a forthcoming Martin Scorsese film as "despicable" and "dishonest." In sports news, Boston residents awoke this morning with a feeling of relief about not having to pay attention to hockey anymore. The Earth continued to revolve around the sun.

We don't always cover every story that happens during each day's news cycle, so here's a capsule summary of what transpired today: It was discovered that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi had Xanax in her system when the CIA lied to her about waterboarding. A brief Google outage left millions of Internet users unable to search for porn, resulting in a spike in demand for prostitutes on Craigslist, which was forced to reclassify their services as "retail sales," a subsequent drop in which caused the stock market to gain half a percentage point on the previous day's close. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger proposed selling Miss California to Fox News in an attempt to balance his state's budget; the offer was immediately accepted, causing spontaneous celebratory "tea parties" to break out nationwide. The New York Times remained under the control of the Sulzberger family, although David Geffen was seen climbing the side of the company's New York headquarters. The Earth continued to revolve around the sun.