Are you having a good Summer? I hope you are, and not just because I am enjoying having an awesome Summer, seriously, and the best part is it ain’t over yet! Arrooo! Yeah, man, it is, like, only August 11 right now, and I am in my castle wearing a bathing suit and as soon as I finish writering-up this Column I’m going upstairs to my Refrigerator to tap out another serving of my New Best Friend, Franzia Chillable Red, yow! It’s like Wine, except it is sweet enough to drink a lot of, you know? Plus it comes in a Carbon Box! Ecology! Bottles are not cool if you are fixing to be poolside, which is why I’m wearing my bathing suit, man, because it is Summer! Yeah! Really man, no glass around the pool, this is not the first time I have mentioned this, OK? READ MORE

It ain’t the heat, it’s the hotness of the humid. READ MORE

I think the Mainstream Media, whatever that is, has been doing a very good job reporting on the New York 9th District Congressman Anthony Weiner and his naughties. I’m kinda sick of hearing about it, but that’s my fault, because I consume lots of super-obvious Lowest Common Denominator News and Infotainments, where I have heard a kabillion-jillion things about Anthony Weiner from my teevee in the morning when I put the stupid TODAY show on and then in the bathroom, where I perform my morning ablutions in the manner of Pontius Pilate (one of History’s notable Public Servants), and I hear more about Anthony Weiner on the news programs on my radio. One of the programs I listen to while I am cleaning my teeth is a middle-of-the-road Traffic-and-Weather-Together kinda show and the other one is an hilarious Right-Wing syndicated thing that runs on a local Sports Radio channel, and they throw down on that show, man, when they talk about stuff like Mr. Weiner’s been doing, they call it “Perverted,” which I find it to be Highly Entertaining, when people get Judgmental about stuff, so I am hooked on that radio program, for reals, and I believe I am similar to zillions of people then, out here in the streets of Lowest Common Denominator, where I get my Info Feed, and where the info almost immediately gets processed by the American Jokes Industry and Entertainment Tonight and stuff. READ MORE

So now they (and you know who They are) went and changed the food triangle-pyramid to a circle, with this Choose My Plate to remind you that you are fat. Yeah, it’s totally subliminal except I figured it out almost immediately with my subconscious mind because I remember all that stuff about Egypt and The Pyramids, and how they are a source of Great Power and cool-ass READ MORE

I listen to a lot of AM radio, which is “Amplitude Modulation,” and I don’t know what that means, but not so much in the morning, if you know what I mean, as far as listening. One of the best things about AM radio, besides how it blinks out when you go under a bridge if you are in your car and the static and how other radio stuff bleeds in and out of whatever channel you are on and how it sounds like it’s coming from The Past, is guys like Harold Camping, who has a show on a network called “Family Radio,” which is pretty much everywhere, even on FM (Frequency Modulation, and I don’t know what that means either) and the Internet. On his Open Forum show Mr. Camping takes calls from people with questions about The Bible (the Christian one like you can still find in hotel rooms), and you can always hear him flipping the pages when somebody calls (I think he rocks the “King James” because that’s what they have on the Web site) and the caller goes like: “Mr. Camping, in Romans 6.23, it says ‘For the wages of sin is death,’ but shouldn’t it be the wages of sin ARE death, grammatically?” And then Mr. Camping (and the callers always call him stuff like “Mr. Camping” or “Brother Camping” or “Mister Harold”) will answer with some sorta long-winded thing involving Units of Measurement and how a minute in the Bible really equals an hour, or how nobody can accurately interpret the Bible because all the translations are innacurate, but he’s always got An Answer, and no matter how dopey or pissed off the caller is (he takes Hater calls, which is another reason to enjoy his program) he always croaks out “Thank you for calling, and sharing,” when he’s done with a call. READ MORE

It is around this time of year that I am pleased to remind The Public that I am available for speaking engagements at all manner of Commencement Ceremonies, be they for fancy-pants four-year Universities of Higher Learning or Two-Year Junior Colleges, like the one I went to. Also, Trade schools, GED programs, you name it, Hamburger f'ing University, man, if you’re looking for someone to address The Graduate and give them some sorta clue as to What’s Next, I am ready to travel to Your Town, USA, for a modest honorarium and confirmed accommodations at the nearest Best Western or full-on Holiday Inn, and not one of those Holiday Inn “express” joints, OK? READ MORE

Are you preparing for The Holidays or possibly enjoying some The Holidays right now? It's The Holiday Season in America right now, so please allow me to be one of the many people who will wish you a hearty "Happy The Holidays" this Year Of Our Lord Two-Thousand-Zero-Zero-Party Over-Almost-Ten, OK? I really don't feature all that crap about how there is a "War On Xmas" and shit just because people say "Hey man, have a Happy The Holidays and a great New Year, umkay?" That noise comes from the same crowd who says Pollution doesn't Pollute anything, you know? READ MORE

Sometimes before I poop out my column I write down some notes. Yeah, I know, right? Har! Also: in crayon. So, my notes for this episode are: READ MORE

Yeah, maybe I'm a little late to the party on this one, but whatever: Look, I do not have to be quiet at the coffee shop. It is a place where they have coffee and loitering is tolerated or perhaps even encouraged and people come in and set up at a table with their laptop and every time I come in to one of these joints it's totally fucking quiet. There's no OBEY BE QUIET sign, but everybody's quiet because they are all up in their laptop computers, interfacing with the goddamn Machine Intelligence that is gonna take over any fucking minute now and not with like, Humans. However and shit, it is not the fucking Library. You want to go someplace to work where there's free Internet without wires, go to the fucking bibliothèque, where they have people paid to keep errbody quiet in there because it's where the Books live and they are old and easily disturbed by loud talking, like one is legally able to do in a Coffee Shop, over a goddamn fucking cuppa coffee, OK? Yeah, it's in the Constitution. READ MORE