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• Estonian snowboarder with extra abrasions.

• Stubbly-hot chunky commuter in a bad grey suit and a reverse ring-tan.

• "His leg hair says he's an adult, but his clothing says he's 15, probably we should look away now, oh Jesus, is that his mother, or a girlfriend, or what, why does everyone under 26 look like a fetus now?"

• Nervous Indie Chainsmoker (St. Louis-bound).

• Guy whose language you not only don't speak but can't actually figure out what it is, but I mean, who cares, it's not like anybody's at an airport looking for love, except aren't we, really?

• Sporty guy telling long and old "good news/bad news" doctor joke to his friends that's not very funny but at least isn't at all racist, it could be so much worse!

• Traveling dive team in shortie socks. Which one, which one.

• Matt Saracen.

• Weepy-hot: military home on leave.

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This current weirdness might end up helpful for us real people; the gendering of box office is totally a question for marketers and studios and trade paper journalists, not the vast majority of us who actually just like to go see movies that we like. Why should I care if women have to "coerce" their boyfriends to attend a movie that stars a lady? Why should I care if something is a "bro" movie!

For the "spate" of lady comedies, Bridesmaids was back in May and Bad Teacher came in June and What's Your Number? was in late September, all being followed up by the artsy pedigreed version of the foul-mouthed lady genre, Young Adult, arriving in a week.

For the boy movies, well, August brought The Change-Up, which borrows the conceit of a magic fountain (I knowwww) from When in Rome (garbage) to create wonder and mishap! Hoo boy! In which: a dumb skeevy dude and his married overachiever best friend change bodies and the loser guy learns about how to succeed and the overachiever dude learns to mix things up and amazingly, they both totally avoid having sex with people because the screenwriters would find it un-overcomeable. It's ridiculous; it's like, one minute the skeevy dude in the married dude's body is like "I'M GOING TO BANG YOUR WIFE" and then he's overcome by feelings and can't and the uptight dude in the player-dude's body is like "I'M GOING TO BANG THIS HOT WONDERFUL CHICK" and then he just can't because of also his feelings.

So... somehow, no one ends up having sex.

Lots of everyone criticized the (actually rather delightful!) Anna Faris vehicle What's Your Number? for being sex-negative and slut-shaming and whatever (I mean, sure, the point of the movie was that she was kind of a whore for having slept with 19 people, which, haaaaaa, uh oh am I in trouble) but in the end at least she could have sex. (To be fair, her romantic attachment object in the film also has the sex with people, or at least we see ladies regularly leaving his apartment, but that's evened out by her having "been around.") And in Bad Teacher, our striving lady hero totally does her financial-romantic target but it's only because she seduced him and she gets to have sex with him because he wasn't The One For Her Anyway and meanwhile the whole movie the Right Guy For Her remains chaste to get her attention. She can do dudes, or at least Timberlakes, and actually does, but The Right Guy can't.

Weirdly, when you start to look at it, it starts to seem like men cannot have penis-in-vagina sex in pop movies pretty much! For instance, the only real sex that happens in either Hangover movie, as far as I can recall, and admittedly it's a bit of a blur, is in the sequel, directed by Ang Lee's son (oy!), when the groom of that movie's bachelor party has sex with a prostitute. A male prostitute, as it turns out! Penis-in-vagina for men is a dealbreaker: somehow, test screenings or something have convinced Hollywood that the audience (either the men in it or the women in it or both) will totally reject men actually having sex. Even (especially?) in the rom-coms; the formula there of sleazy dude plus lady prevents Josh "Snacky" Duhamel from having sex in Life As We Know It, whereas uptight K. Heigl (blurgh, crazy eyes!) shacks up with some dude while she's on hiatus from her Unexpected One True Snacky Love—despite that he's supposed to be the one that's "been around." (This is pretty much exactly what happens in The Ugly Truth, too! AKA, the last movie in which Gerard Butler will ever be hot.)

I'm sure there's a thousand exceptions that I'm totally forgetting. But somehow there's become this thing where it's a total betrayal that no one can write their screenplay out of if dudes have sex. Good news though: now Gerard Butler will solve all that with 2012's Playing the Field, sure to be nominated for zero awards. Here is the studio summary: "A former professional athlete with a weak past tries to redeem himself by coaching his son's soccer team, only to find himself unable to resist when in scoring position with his players' restless and gorgeous moms." Wow, it sounds like he'll actually maybe have sex in it, before he gets reformed. Likely however no plane ride is boring enough to make me watch that.

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Well, I'll tell you where I stand. But it's embarrassing. There are these tiny, tiny fake mini-socks. THEY ARE FOR MEN. REALLY. And I wear them all the time.

So, among other manufacturers, Calvin Klein makes something hilariously called Men's Dress Shoe Cotton Liners. I know that sounds kind of like a maxipad. (There are similar products for ladies, obvs, both for the feet and for the boobs even too, kind of! But ladies know these things, so here I address the simpler sex.)

Do you want to be stank, boys? Here are things ladies don't like: terrible breath, terrible manners and terrible stank feet. Also several dozen other things but I'm not allowed to tell you those.

And sure. You will never, ever, ever feel less like a man than when you put these on. Honestly you will feel a little like a lady!

But! This is why I don't have stank feet and stank shoes but still look sockless! They won't necessarily hold up through, like, a three-hour workout and eight hours in the office and a night on the town, particularly? But they will prevent Death By Foot in general. It's worth it.

Or I guess I could just wear real socks but that seems so unsporting in late July.

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Worse, pleats also come to harm us. The most odious affliction of mens' clothing is the reverse pleat at the front of many of your man-pants. Oh wow, you might not know what you look like, let me show you!

And that's if you're LUCKY. Like yes, you should be so lucky to look like Richard Gere on the cusp of the 80s.

But mostly you'll look like Seth Rogen circa 2006. Or like the bad guys in Beverly Hills Cop. Or worse, Judge Reinhold. I mean, even Gordon Gekko lost the pleats between movies.

Pleats say: I am an affable man! I like being casual! I am gently prone to both intellectual softness and the comings and goings of physical flab! They mostly say "I have given up."

And every once in a while, if I may be frank, they do good things to your... front areas.

But really? We can all make a pact together to never ever wear pants with pleats, unless they are incredibly expensive and over-stylized and intentional.

You may have noticed that I singled out "reverse" pleats for particular scorn. Reverse pleats are what you're used to, most likely: they "face" the pockets. The fabric of forward pleats opens toward the fly. Forward pleats run the danger of making you look a bit hip-heavy! (Which is exactly what happens to Sean Connery here, although they're also kinda cool-looking suit trousers.) And they are old-fashioned, and maybe that's what you want to be.

Also if you would like to know how sophisticated and fascinating the making of pleats is, here is some very cool information about pleating, including PLEAT MOLDS! This is actually helpful if you like to talk to ladies and have ladies like you, because, as you may have noticed, people in general like compliments. So if you can say "Wow, that is a groovy dress, love the pleats," ladies may be like "hello, man who notices things." (Don't do this: "That nice dress has fabulous plissé pleats," unless you are in a bad romcom where you are pretending to be gay to get the girl, which REALLY DOESN'T WORK, so just don't ever get yourself cast in that romp.)

And finally? Sad news! This is the penultimate installment of our absolutely life-changing column on how men should dress in and around the office. Why don't we end with some questions for next time? Send me a private email communication and I'll answer your questions next time, IF YOU DARE. (I mean, I've already been doing lots of individual counseling on this topic, for which many of you throwing summer weddings should be very grateful, as I've vastly improved the visual quality of your guests.)

Sponsored posts are purely editorial content that we are pleased to have presented by a participating sponsor, advertisers do not produce the content. This series/post is brought to you by Gillette. Learn more about Gillette and its products at Gillette.com.

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And so, five quick guidelines for summer dressing—from head to toe. All over your body, as the poet sang.

I Will Pimp the Cotton Industry

Cotton suits, cotton suits. It takes a real grown-up man to manage linen and other summer suits. They can feel like too much. (Poplin is easier.) But a mellow cotton suit, anyone can handle this. They don't even feel too suity! We live in a time of tight-cut, super-fussy suits, but in summer, the casual suit and the sack suit is your friend! You can basically wear a plain schlumpy blue cotton suit three days a week.

And the summer suit is cheap.

White Shoes at Night, Sailor's Delight

It feels weird to wear white at night! It seems wrong. But no, it is not: think of the magical hues of white flowers in twilight and evening, glowing and reflecting all the deep blues and darks of the coming night. Also you'll stand out and therefore be more likely to pick up chicks. So it's not wrong! White shoes or pants or shirts at night actually look fantastic. But what is wrong-ish is...

Shorts after Twilight? Not a Highlight

I mean if you're schlepping down to the taco shack or lobster stand, of course, shorts it up. But the magical day/evening lighting mirror (are you too young to know what I'm talking about? There used to be a TV ad for a product that had different lighting settings for day and night makeup! I'm really sorry about this aside!) doesn't do much for your night-time exposed legs in the city. Also then you end up in that weird position where you're in an air-conditioned restaurant or movie theater, wearing a sweater or a jacket over your whatever, and shorts on the bottom, and then you look like a freak.

In an ideal world we'd all have permanent gym lockers scattered throughout the city, with emergency pants in them, but basically you need a staff to pull that off. (Similarly with keeping evening pants in your car.)

So this is a goal, not a rule. It can't always be done. I feel you.

You're Burning Up in Here

So, we all pretty much wear sunscreen now, right? It's kind of terrible. I don't like the way it feels. But also being outside in the sun will kill you and it's worth it. (Pro tip: La Roche-Posay Anthelios with Mexoryl.) But also there are... hats.

Hats are hard! Baseball hats can make you look like an off-duty cop or a lazy dad. A fedora can make you look pretentious. A trilby or a boater may make you look like the worst possible sort of Brooklyn tosser. An ascot cap may make you look like a newsie or a man who is tired of going bald. A bucket hat may make you look like a lady; a kolpik will make you look like a Satmar.

The solution: every man must try on hats endlessly until he finds one that does not make him look horrible. There is no shortcut.

I look terrible in hats. Once I found a small woven lampshade that looked really good on me, and I wore it for three full summers until it deteriorated. That's probably not a good idea but really I look terrible in hats.

Can You See Your Toes? Do You Think They're Even Remotely Gross?

Lots of times you may be wearing sandals. That is... okay. Although you will realize, if you live in a large city, that there is a certain "picking up filth" quotient, so, maybe think twice? But what about the filth you're bringing out with you? Because if you think your feet slightly nasty, the rest of us think they're horrendous. This topic has been hashed to death, so here's the short version: NBA players get pedicures, so can you. Every two weeks until summer is over. It's like $12 in a big city. (Round it up to $20 with the tip, bro.)

I cannot even count how many harrowing sets of man-feet I see each summer. This is one of those things that not only do ladies notice but your guy friends notice this. Also, just tell them "no polish." Because lots of times they will ask or worse not ask. And the last thing you want is (finally!) nice-looking feet with glossy, shiny toes. Well that's the second-last thing you want. The last thing you want is us looking at you, then looking at your feet, and turning away in horror.

Sponsored posts are purely editorial content that we are pleased to have presented by a participating sponsor, advertisers do not produce the content. This series/post is brought to you by Gillette. Learn more about Gillette and its products at Gillette.com.

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Because if you're in the office, and you work anywhere but the International Society for the Advancement of Shorts, you should go home and change.

The question has even been asked: can a man wear shorts at all, ever, anywhere?

At work, of course, no! Not even on a casual Friday at Casual Friday Inc. On the street, in the city? Well... here is where opinions become complicated.

On a recent spring Saturday afternoon, a clerk at a swank Madison Avenue store was actually grateful to receive a visitor in shorts. "Finally, someone in shorts!" she cried. It was nice out. And it was Saturday. And no one was wearing shorts. Yes, it was prior to Memorial Day. But the shorts were very dignified. Really, they were short trousers, which is to say, they were an actual garment, made by an actual person.

This matters, because the shorts you're probably wearing, well... get the lighter fluid! Sorry!

Civilized society's aversion to shorts is in part an opposition to the hideous epidemic of every dude's current weekend uniform of the baggy cargo shorts. You guys wear these all the time and you look like garbage in a garbage sack in a sea of other identical sacks of garbage. Lazy is as lazy wears. Even if you're really hot, we're looking at you then looking down at that sea of brown swimmy gross sackcloth around your business area and we're writing you off.

Sure, there are those that maintain that shorts can never ever be worn. And Barack Obama almost never wears shorts. Tom Ford says they are only for the beach or the tennis court.

But I'm going to tell you a secret. I enjoy a good expedition in shorts, no matter what the haters say! It's high spring! Summer is breathing down the back of our knees. Now would be an ideal time for you to take a little cheap shopping expedition to find some comfortable shorts.

A few brief suggestions:

• Why not have a nice pair of garden party shorts, in seersucker or madras? You can wear them ironically at parties in Brooklyn! They should come circa knee-ish. They should be pretty and well-fitting. Also, there is really no such thing as "ironically" wearing shorts. You are in them or you aren't. We can pretend though. Except when Thom Browne is involved.... I guess it is a bit ironic.

• "Designer" shorts can be unexpectedly tricky. Like, Rick Owens is pushing this, this year.Yeaaaaah, no thank you.And yet, these checked Etro shorts? Adorable!

• And of course there are cheap versions of shorts that actually fit or actually look good. Your Target mileage will vary, but aim for something that falls off and isn't like a utility belt that had intercourse with a feed bag.

Listen, some days we all want to schlump around. But unless you have a laundry bag on your shoulder, there's no need to actively repel people's interest in you. Unless you need to do that of course. Some of you—yes you!—are just so stunning that we need to deface ourselves for the public good.

Sponsored posts are purely editorial content that we are pleased to have presented by a participating sponsor, advertisers do not produce the content. This series/post is brought to you by Gillette. Learn more about Gillette and its products at Gillette.com.

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