The American Music Awards are simultaneously the silliest and the most honest music-related gala. Nominees are based on things like Soundscan numbers and online streams instead of trifles like artistic intent or legend status, and the winners are dubbed "favorites," not "bests." Yet there's an air of seriousness about it that you'd never see at, say, MTV's Video Music Awards, one that will be ever more present this year as the Black Eyed Peas bring us their latest wedding-floor-filler "The Time (Dirty Bit)" live for the first time on TV and Train play That Train Song You Hear Everywhere one more time. Which is to say, come [...]

Alex Balk (9:20): Welcome to the second section of our liveblogging extravaganza. It is brought to you by Awl publisher David Cho's belief that by offering an empty commenting area we will somehow maximize pageviews. For our earlier coverage of tonight's astounding ceremony, please go here. Now that this unpleasantness is out of the way, let us continue.

In a surprise turn of events, I'm going to be both watching and live blogging the Emmys which I have almost no interest whatsoever! So get excited for the scintillating commentary to come! There may be guests! There may not be guests! Here goes nothing/something! (The most recent updates will be on top.)

"The helicopter pilot on the raw feed said that the body is in 'a gold casket with flowers on top.' Someone else emailed me to say that Jackson is being buried without his brain, because they needed it to finish toxicology. There's something eerie about so many people watching Michael Jackson in death. I'll try to figure out exactly what it is as we go through this massive, bloated, sad event." The New Yorker is liveblogging the Michael Jackson funeral. [Hack joke follows.] Yes, the New Yorker.

Alex Balk (11:20): Since David Cho is never satisfied, we are once again shifting locations! Welcome back to the purgatory that is this year's Oscar ceremony. They just gave the Award For Thing In Non-English Language, but I was too busy setting this up, so I hope you were all able to make your own jokes about it. Anyway, let's RIDE THIS BITCH HOME.