Posts Tagged: Lists!
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11 Great Stories to Save for When the Power Goes Out

Do you live in a home without books or magazines? Or have you burned them all for heat yet? Then great news! It's likely a good chunk of the East Coast may lose power and Internet. So here are some things that you could either PRINT OUT (yes, I am serious) or of course also save to your nice, long-lasting-battery'd digital reading device.

The story of the Occupy Wall Street Archive starts with Jeremy Bold, so we might as well too. When Hollywood decides to cash in and make its OWS movie, central casting could do worse than work off a picture of Bold—he has a dark goatee and black [...]

23

Clearance-Sale Holiday Foodstuffs, In Order

13. Peeps

12. Manischewitz matzo crackers

11. Candy corn

10. Candy canes

9. Cranberry sauce

8. Leg of lamb

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Hideous Birth Control Methods Through The Ages

Some things aren’t as good as they used to be, but that isn't true of birth control. Some tips from the footnotes of history, used by women (and in some cases, men) far less fortunate than us:

• A pessary made of dried crocodile dung (Ancient Egypt)

• A mixture of olive oil and oil of cedar, placed in the vagina (recommended by Aristotle)

• Bloodletting, as current medical tradition held that sperm was merely blood turned white by the heat humor. The French physician Jacques Ferrand, author of A treatise on lovesickness, recommended that, if moderate bloodletting failed to dampen libido, the man must be bled until he "is [...]

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Nicknames For French Kings, In Order

37. "From Overseas" (Louis IV) 36. "The Posthumous" (John I) 35. "The Lazy" (Louis V) 34. "The Young" (Louis VII) 33. "The Stammerer" (Louis II) 32. "The Fat" (Louis VI) 31. "The Bald" (Charles II) 30. "The Short" (Pepin) 29. "The Tall" (Philip V) 28. "The Simple" (Charles III) 27. "The Handsome" (Philip IV, Charles IV) x 26. "The Pious" (Louis I, Robert II) 25. "The Father of the People" (Louis XII) 24. "The Great" (Charlemagne, Louis XIV, Napoleon I) 23. "The Good" (John II)

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Assorted Presidential Pets, In Order

29. Misty Malarky Ying Yang, a Siamese cat belonging to the President’s daughter (Carter)

28. Washington Post, Yellow-Headed Mexican parrot (McKinley)

27. Maude, pig (Teddy Roosevelt)

26. Old Whitey, a horse the President had used during wartime and from whose tail White House visitors would pull hairs to keep as souvenirs (Zachary Taylor)

25. Old Whiskers, an ill-tempered goat who once escaped the White House lawn and had to be chased down Pennsylvania Avenue (Harrison)

24. Sweet Lips, Scentwell, Drunkard, Taster, Tipsy, Tipler, Lady Rover, Searcher, Mopsey, Captain, Vulcan, and Cloe, hounds (Washington)

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Nine Red Herrings Or Otherwise Extraneous Facts From 'Encyclopedia Brown, Boy Detective'

• "[H]e went home and asked his mother for a big piece of cardboard. She gave him a dress box from the Bon Ton Store, which she had been saving."

• "Encyclopedia did not lift his eyes from his book, How to Build a Nuclear Reactor."

• "The Tigers were busy racing garter snakes."

• "The [egg]-spinning field was the smooth marble slab under the statue of Thomas Edison."

• "The Browns were having left-over meatloaf for dinner one night when the telephone rang."

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What To Read, Listen To, Look At And Watch Over Kentucky Derby Weekend

"He grabbed my arm, urging me to have another, but I said I was overdue at the Press Club and hustled off to get my act together for the awful spectacle. At the airport newsstand I picked up a Courier-Journal and scanned the front page headlines: 'Nixon Sends GI's into Cambodia to Hit Reds'… 'B-52's Raid, then 20,000 GI's Advance 20 Miles"…' 4,000 U.S. Troops Deployed Near Yale as Tension Grows Over Panther Protest.' At the bottom of the page was a photo of Diane Crump, soon to become the first woman jockey ever to ride in the Kentucky Derby. The photographer had snapped her 'stopping in the barn area [...]

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Taylor Swift's Analogies, In Order Of Incomprehensibility

23. You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard.

22. The moon like a spotlight on the lake.

21. Today was a fairytale.

20. I need you like a heartbeat.

19. Spinning like a girl in a brand-new dress.

18. You're just another picture to burn.

17. You call me up again just to break me like a promise.

16. Untouchable, like a distant diamond sky.

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What Famous People Smell Like

• Tom Ford: "vanilla bean"

• Michelle Obama: "cherries"

• Cher: "a mermaid"

• Kevin Bacon: "a little mix of baby powder and Listerine"

• Rihanna: "coconut and vanilla"

• Gideon Yago: "that clean smell that really young children have, as if they've never been dirty"

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The Best Of The New York Times' Pug Journalism

Meet the best fodder for New York Times style pieces for a hundred years plus: the pug.

10. "Cyrano the Pug Has Gout: It is the Result of High Living, as in the Human Family, Says the Doctor– Canine Tooth Filling" (June 18, 1899)

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Honeymoons Of The Presidents

Now that we've looked at presidential pets and favorite foods, let's explore their honeymoons. It's difficult to judge which has been the most romantic presidential honeymoon in history; possibly a draw between the Nixons' canned pork-and-beans for breakfast or the honeymoon hours spent by the newlywed wife of Woodrow Wilson compiling the index of a new edition of his book Congressional Government, A Study in American Politics. In any case, if we were to rank presidents in order of greatness of their honeymoons, it would give us a system that might place otherwise mediocre or downright awful presidents at the top, and America's best leaders near the bottom. [...]

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Grand Ole Opry Members Who Have Automatic Porn Names

• B.J. Thomas

• Bobby Bare

• Carrie Underwood

• Leroy Van Dyke

• Boxcar Willie

• Bashful Brother Oswald

• Rod Brasfield

• Ferlin Husky

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Dumb Questions I’ve Had For Science

• Do astronomers ever refuse to classify rocks in space as asteroids out of spite?

• If Jupiter’s radiation is so tough why don’t we just wear thick lead spacesuits?

• Why do we only send crazy-looking robots with wheels to other planets? Why don't we send probes that can walk?

• I wonder how many people would be beheaded by their own invention if that invention were a poorly made hovercraft.

• If Venus is so hot, why hasn't it melted itself?

• Which is more underrated, Uranus or Neptune?

• How many multiverse mes can there be anyway? I doubt the same sperm [...]

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Roman Emperors, Up To AD 476 And Not Including Usurpers, In Order Of How Hardcore Their Deaths Were

84-65 (tie). Titus (died in AD 81), Nerva (98), Trajan (117), Hadrian (138), Antoninus Pius (161), Marcus Aurelius (180), Septimius Severus (211), Tacitus (276), Constantius I (306), Gallerius (311), Constantine I (337), Constantius II (361), Theodosius I (395), Arcadius (408), Constantius III (421), Honorious (423), Marcian (457), Libius Severus (465), Olybrius (472), Leo I (474): Natural causes.

64. Vespasian (79): Natural causes; quipped "Uh oh, I think I'm becoming a God" as he died.

63. Diocletian (311): Abdicated voluntarily, lived for six more years in his vast palace compound tending to his vegetable gardens before dying of natural causes.

62. Romulus (~500): Forced to abdicate, sent off to [...]

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Other Cover Songs The Replacements Should Record For Their Reunion

  • "Reckoner," Radiohead
  • "The Big Guns," Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins
  • "Love Story," Taylor Swift
  • "You've Got a Friend In Me," Randy Newman
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Other Things Missouri Representative Todd Akin Believes To Be True About The Uterus, Besides Its Ability To "Shut Down" A Legitimate Rape

• The average uterus is "cash only."

• When provoked or frightened, a uterus emits a high-pitched scream that instantly stuns its attacker.

• The natural enemies of the uterus are the locust, the hawk, the carpenter ant, and the witch.

• It is possible to use a uterus to determine the nearest source of fresh water or magnetic North but not both.

• A uterus will freeze at any temperature below that of 15C.

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142 Distinctly Non-Threatening Rap Names

1) M.C. Shy-D 2) Nice & Smooth 3) Greg Nice 4) Prime Minister Pete Nice 5) Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch 6) Q-Tip 7) Q-Bert 8) Krumb Snatcha 9) Lil Scrappy 10) Scoob Luva 11) Scrap Luva 12) McGruff 13) Snoop Doggy Dogg

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A Pictorial History Of Rap Untouchability

I can't stop listening to this new song from Rick Ross's Maybach Music Group. Oh, excuse me, that's "The Untouchable Empire" Maybach Music Group. It's a great song. (Man, do I love Gunplay's verse! "Where's YOUR sea bass?!") Of course, once again, the gorgeous, gorgeous beat these guys have come up with is offset by some high-post ridiculousness (Ross says "the square root of a kilo is me," says Ross) and lots of unashamed cliche. The "Untouchable" honorific is as good an example of this as any. It's not exactly an original choice.

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Guided By Voices (Classic Lineup), 1992-1996, In Order

85. The Ugly Vision

84. Cigarette Tricks

83. Demons are Real

82. Ergo Space Pig

81. Some Drilling Implied

80. Pimple Zoo

79. Lord of Overstock

78. Particular Damaged

77. Don't Stop Now

76. You're Not an Airplane

75. A Big Fan of the Pigpen

74. Unleashed! The Large-Hearted Boy

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Things That Should Fall Out Of A Piñata At A Cinco De Mayo Party

26) Gravy

25) Coupons for candy

24) Pictures of people hitting a piñata from a different piñata party. Everyone will assume they are from your piñata party and it will come across as very clever

23) Dozens of smaller piñatas

22) Sausage links simulating piñata entrails

21) Slips of paper, each with a word that rhymes with piñata: regatta, ricotta, stigmata, sonata… that’s about it actually

20) Bygone knickknacks that someone sentimental might pick up and say, “Oh, this would be lovely on the mantel… if it hadn’t been beaten into pieces”

19) Already scratched lottery tickets