I can't stop listening to this new song from Rick Ross's Maybach Music Group. Oh, excuse me, that's "The Untouchable Empire" Maybach Music Group. It's a great song. (Man, do I love Gunplay's verse! "Where's YOUR sea bass?!") Of course, once again, the gorgeous, gorgeous beat these guys have come up with is offset by some high-post ridiculousness (Ross says "the square root of a kilo is me," says Ross) and lots of unashamed cliche. The "Untouchable" honorific is as good an example of this as any. It's not exactly an original choice.
85. The Ugly Vision
84. Cigarette Tricks
83. Demons are Real
82. Ergo Space Pig
81. Some Drilling Implied
80. Pimple Zoo
79. Lord of Overstock
78. Particular Damaged
77. Don't Stop Now
76. You're Not an Airplane
75. A Big Fan of the Pigpen
74. Unleashed! The Large-Hearted Boy
25) Coupons for candy
24) Pictures of people hitting a piñata from a different piñata party. Everyone will assume they are from your piñata party and it will come across as very clever
23) Dozens of smaller piñatas
22) Sausage links simulating piñata entrails
21) Slips of paper, each with a word that rhymes with piñata: regatta, ricotta, stigmata, sonata… that’s about it actually
20) Bygone knickknacks that someone sentimental might pick up and say, “Oh, this would be lovely on the mantel… if it hadn’t been beaten into pieces”
19) Already scratched lottery tickets
• Canada Goose
• Mute Swan
• Yellow-throated Warbler
• Bald Eagle
• American Robin
Twelve Songs About Trying To Predict The Future As We Wait For The Supreme Court To Reach A Decision
"As I said, we don’t know how this will go. But it’s hard not to feel a sense of foreboding—and to worry that the nation’s already badly damaged faith in the Supreme Court’s ability to stand above politics is about to take another severe hit." —Paul Krugman is his good, gloomy, all-too-probably right self today. And while we all play seer and try to figure out just what justice Kennedy might be thinking, here are ten great songs (and one just so-so song, and one really dreadfully terrible song) about trying to see into the future, and the futility, usually, of trying to do so.
52. Trucks 51. The Mangler 50. Sleepwalkers 49. Desperation 48. Grey Matter 47. Ghosts 46. Thinner 45. The Mist 44. Dolan’s Cadillac 43. The Diary of Ellen Rimbauer 42. Riding the Bullet 41. 1408 40. The Night Flier 39. Secret Window
37. "From Overseas" (Louis IV) 36. "The Posthumous" (John I) 35. "The Lazy" (Louis V) 34. "The Young" (Louis VII) 33. "The Stammerer" (Louis II) 32. "The Fat" (Louis VI) 31. "The Bald" (Charles II) 30. "The Short" (Pepin) 29. "The Tall" (Philip V) 28. "The Simple" (Charles III) 27. "The Handsome" (Philip IV, Charles IV) x 26. "The Pious" (Louis I, Robert II) 25. "The Father of the People" (Louis XII) 24. "The Great" (Charlemagne, Louis XIV, Napoleon I) 23. "The Good" (John II)
29. Misty Malarky Ying Yang, a Siamese cat belonging to the President’s daughter (Carter)
28. Washington Post, Yellow-Headed Mexican parrot (McKinley)
27. Maude, pig (Teddy Roosevelt)
26. Old Whitey, a horse the President had used during wartime and from whose tail White House visitors would pull hairs to keep as souvenirs (Zachary Taylor)
25. Old Whiskers, an ill-tempered goat who once escaped the White House lawn and had to be chased down Pennsylvania Avenue (Harrison)
24. Sweet Lips, Scentwell, Drunkard, Taster, Tipsy, Tipler, Lady Rover, Searcher, Mopsey, Captain, Vulcan, and Cloe, hounds (Washington)
• "[H]e went home and asked his mother for a big piece of cardboard. She gave him a dress box from the Bon Ton Store, which she had been saving."
• "Encyclopedia did not lift his eyes from his book, How to Build a Nuclear Reactor."
• "The Tigers were busy racing garter snakes."
• "The [egg]-spinning field was the smooth marble slab under the statue of Thomas Edison."
• "The Browns were having left-over meatloaf for dinner one night when the telephone rang."
"He grabbed my arm, urging me to have another, but I said I was overdue at the Press Club and hustled off to get my act together for the awful spectacle. At the airport newsstand I picked up a Courier-Journal and scanned the front page headlines: 'Nixon Sends GI's into Cambodia to Hit Reds'… 'B-52's Raid, then 20,000 GI's Advance 20 Miles"…' 4,000 U.S. Troops Deployed Near Yale as Tension Grows Over Panther Protest.' At the bottom of the page was a photo of Diane Crump, soon to become the first woman jockey ever to ride in the Kentucky Derby. The photographer had snapped her 'stopping in the barn area [...]
Have you heard this new Action Bronson song? It's great. And yes, simple. Constructed around a Spanish horns sample looped up by producer Tommy Mas, it doesn't have a hook or a chorus or anything. In making such a song, one called "Simple Man," I mean, Bronson takes his place in a long, if not always proud tradition in pop music. There are lots of "Simple Man" songs. They are usually quite simple, and they usually start with a sentence right along the lines of, "I am just a simple man." (Kudos to Bronson for avoiding that.)
43. Dysfunctional Family TV Dramas 42. Dark Biographical 20th Century Period Pieces 41. Classic Goofy Musicals 40. Critically-acclaimed Underdog Dramas 39. Suspenseful Spy Movies Based on Real Life 38. Quirky Crime TV Shows 37. Feel-good Opposites-Attract Movies 36. Revenge Movies 35. Gory Action & Adventure 34. Romantic Gay & Lesbian Coming-of-age Movies 33. Critically-acclaimed Nature & Ecology Documentaries 32. Gritty Conspiracy Movies 30. Controversial Courtroom Movies 31. Campy Prison Movies
Behaviors Cited As Quirks Or Oddities In An Article About Single Living That Are Actually Totally Normal Things That Lots Of People Do Even When They Live With Other People
2) Singing Journey songs in shower. (Especially "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'." That's the jam.)
Now that we've looked at presidential pets and favorite foods, let's explore their honeymoons. It's difficult to judge which has been the most romantic presidential honeymoon in history; possibly a draw between the Nixons' canned pork-and-beans for breakfast or the honeymoon hours spent by the newlywed wife of Woodrow Wilson compiling the index of a new edition of his book Congressional Government, A Study in American Politics. In any case, if we were to rank presidents in order of greatness of their honeymoons, it would give us a system that might place otherwise mediocre or downright awful presidents at the top, and America's best leaders near the bottom. [...]
• B.J. Thomas
• Bobby Bare
• Carrie Underwood
• Leroy Van Dyke
• Boxcar Willie
• Bashful Brother Oswald
• Rod Brasfield
• Ferlin Husky
• Do astronomers ever refuse to classify rocks in space as asteroids out of spite?
• If Jupiter’s radiation is so tough why don’t we just wear thick lead spacesuits?
• Why do we only send crazy-looking robots with wheels to other planets? Why don't we send probes that can walk?
• I wonder how many people would be beheaded by their own invention if that invention were a poorly made hovercraft.
• If Venus is so hot, why hasn't it melted itself?
• Which is more underrated, Uranus or Neptune?
84-65 (tie). Titus (died in AD 81), Nerva (98), Trajan (117), Hadrian (138), Antoninus Pius (161), Marcus Aurelius (180), Septimius Severus (211), Tacitus (276), Constantius I (306), Gallerius (311), Constantine I (337), Constantius II (361), Theodosius I (395), Arcadius (408), Constantius III (421), Honorious (423), Marcian (457), Libius Severus (465), Olybrius (472), Leo I (474): Natural causes.
64. Vespasian (79): Natural causes; quipped "Uh oh, I think I'm becoming a God" as he died.
63. Diocletian (311): Abdicated voluntarily, lived for six more years in his vast palace compound tending to his vegetable gardens before dying of natural causes.
62. Romulus (~500): Forced to abdicate, sent off to [...]
"Most women act as though they're sexual Olympians, as though they're doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves…. Like, maybe grab a mirror and spend some time learning how your own body works. It's nice, too, when you don't treat our semen like it's battery acid." —Chris Jones, Esquire.
20) Fire Jolly Ranchers
19) Arby's Jamocha Shake
18) Soft-Boiled Egg
17) Melted Toffifay Candy
16) Steri-Fab Bed Bug Killer
15) Grape Snow Cone