Samuel "Joe The Plumber" Wurzelbacher has decided not to run for public office after a personal conversation with God in which the Heavenly Father suggested Wurzelbacher might better follow his calling by remaining at the grassroots level, "preferably way, way in the back." The seven minute conversation was repeatedly peppered with awkward pauses as God unsuccessfully attempted to choke back laughter; at one point the deity snorted so loudly that it registered as a minor earthquake in southern California.

Symbolic tradesman "Joe" "The" "Plumber" is quitting the Republican party, according to Time magazine. His reasons for leaving include the GOP's obstructionism, anti-intellectualism, and crass unwillingness to provide viable alternatives to Democratic policies. Oops, wait, I have that wrong: He's outraged by overspending. This is an unfortunate blow for the Republicans, who cannot afford to lose unlicensed tradesmen who aren't actually named Joe-or anyone else, really-from their rapidly diminishing ranks.