Thursday, September 20
At Carolina -2.5 NY Giants
Cam Newton versus Giants' torched secondary? I smell barbeque! PICK: PANTHERS
Sunday, September 23
At Chicago -7.5 St. Louis
Jay Cutler is not one of those quarterbacks that you want on your team. PICK: RAMS
At Dallas -8 Tampa Bay
Most of Mitt Romney’s 47% are Dallas Cowboy fans. PICK: COWBOYS
I know how cool we all like to play it because we’re so young and so beautiful and nothing bad will ever happen to us in our lives! Our youth and our beauty will protect us. But our grandparents were once young if maybe not quite as beautiful. Everything ends eventually, and at some point you may want to start hedging your bets and believing in a higher power, if only to get the goodies that comes along with the benefits of membership. I’d much rather spend the afterlife playing golf with President Coolidge and Charlotte Bronte than not-existing. Or burning in Hell with all the popes ever, for that [...]
The epic conclusion to an entire season of poetic football picks.
New England -3 NY Giants 54
When Yahweh created the USA She put two towns four hours away And in the sports they'd always play Until everyone was sick of hearing about them.
Boston with its chowder, New York with its cocaine Had a belligerent rivalry to maintain. Boston had a strangler, New York, a son of Sam And all the other cities stopped giving a damn.
Four cold dark years ago They met in a southwest state that has no soul. And because the Patriots stopped taping practices They got defeated, the Giants kicked their [...]
First things first: Murder is wrong, OK? But let's say, hypothetically, that you're considering committing one anyway: how would you do it? Practically everyone wants to murder someone. That jerk that got the job you want. That guy who gets all his books reviewed while your books don’t even get published. That handsome, horrible dude everyone loves when only you know he is a complete fraud who must be exposed. Jonathan Franzen. Maybe you want to murder novelist Jonathan Franzen. Let’s say you do. You want to stand over Jonathan Franzen's wrecked body as it bubbles over with his own blood. You’re laughing and he’s just kind of lying [...]
At Philadelphia -8.5 Washington The bad dream's over in Philadelphia. Fire Andy Reid! PICK: EAGLES
At Atlanta -11.5 Tampa Bay I wish they'd open a Waffle House for us in Brooklyn, NYC. PICK: BUCCANEERS
San Francisco -10.5 At St. Louis Rams will probably fire Coach Spagnuolo and the Giants will hire him. PICK: RAMS
Thursday, December 15
At Atlanta -12 Jacksonville The Falcons are headed to the playoffs and the Jags are going golfing. PICK: FALCONS
Saturday, December 17
Dallas -7 At Tampa Bay I want to go to St. Petersburg in Russia. Florida smells old. PICK: COWBOYS