Thursday, September 20
At Carolina -2.5 NY Giants
Cam Newton versus Giants' torched secondary? I smell barbeque! PICK: PANTHERS
Sunday, September 23
At Chicago -7.5 St. Louis
Jay Cutler is not one of those quarterbacks that you want on your team. PICK: RAMS
At Dallas -8 Tampa Bay
Most of Mitt Romney’s 47% are Dallas Cowboy fans. PICK: COWBOYS
I know how cool we all like to play it because we’re so young and so beautiful and nothing bad will ever happen to us in our lives! Our youth and our beauty will protect us. But our grandparents were once young if maybe not quite as beautiful. Everything ends eventually, and at some point you may want to start hedging your bets and believing in a higher power, if only to get the goodies that comes along with the benefits of membership. I’d much rather spend the afterlife playing golf with President Coolidge and Charlotte Bronte than not-existing. Or burning in Hell with all the popes ever, for that [...]
The epic conclusion to an entire season of poetic football picks.
New England -3 NY Giants 54
When Yahweh created the USA She put two towns four hours away And in the sports they'd always play Until everyone was sick of hearing about them.
Boston with its chowder, New York with its cocaine Had a belligerent rivalry to maintain. Boston had a strangler, New York, a son of Sam And all the other cities stopped giving a damn.
Four cold dark years ago They met in a southwest state that has no soul. And because the Patriots stopped taping practices They got defeated, the Giants kicked their [...]
First things first: Murder is wrong, OK? But let's say, hypothetically, that you're considering committing one anyway: how would you do it? Practically everyone wants to murder someone. That jerk that got the job you want. That guy who gets all his books reviewed while your books don’t even get published. That handsome, horrible dude everyone loves when only you know he is a complete fraud who must be exposed. Jonathan Franzen. Maybe you want to murder novelist Jonathan Franzen. Let’s say you do. You want to stand over Jonathan Franzen's wrecked body as it bubbles over with his own blood. You’re laughing and he’s just kind of lying [...]
January 1
At Philadelphia -8.5 Washington The bad dream's over in Philadelphia. Fire Andy Reid! PICK: EAGLES
At Atlanta -11.5 Tampa Bay I wish they'd open a Waffle House for us in Brooklyn, NYC. PICK: BUCCANEERS
San Francisco -10.5 At St. Louis Rams will probably fire Coach Spagnuolo and the Giants will hire him. PICK: RAMS
Thursday, December 15
At Atlanta -12 Jacksonville The Falcons are headed to the playoffs and the Jags are going golfing. PICK: FALCONS
Saturday, December 17
Dallas -7 At Tampa Bay I want to go to St. Petersburg in Russia. Florida smells old. PICK: COWBOYS
Thursday, September 13
At Green Bay -5 Chicago Home games at Lambeau shouldn’t happen until the tundra is frozen. PICK: BEARS
Sunday, September 16
At NY Giants -7.5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers defense surprisingly stout but the Giants should play angry. PICK: GIANTS
At New England -13.5 Arizona The Cardinals should chose a random fan for their starting quarterback. PICK: PATRIOTS
Over my bed, or the thing I call my bed which used to be a couch but is kinda now more of a cot, suddenly bathed in an unnatural moonlight, is a seven-foot book with arms and legs. It's a hardcover with a shiny commercial trade book cover. The title is set in a silvery font that jags and blurs out a little, like frost. It reads: THE COLDEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR. This was the title of a play the Drama Guild of my high school wrote and performed about homeless people for a one-act play competition. We didn't win, but I always liked that title. I always wanted [...]
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the Great American Novel if your name is George R. R. Martin or Suzanne Collins. You guys are doing great; somebody give them genius grants. I had never before read a 1,000-page book, and now I’ve read like 5 of them. If Westeros had subways things would move along much faster, George. Think about it. (Unless it was a weekend! Then they’d have shuttle buses between King’s Landing and Riverrun like only once every few hours. Ugh!) And obviously Katniss Everdeen should have dated both those dudes in the book rather than suffer the guilt and sorrow of having to choose just one. Let’s [...]
Want to be a pretentious show-off with your friends this weekend when the big game is on? But you don't know the difference between the infield fly rule and a two-line pass (or even to what sports they apply)? Well, it's OK. Sports radio enthusiast and noted laundromat-lurker Jim Behrle, who graced us with his haiku picks this NFL season, has once again written down a cheat sheet of smart-sounding things you can spout during the Super Bowl! Remember, always take a pause in the middle of every sentence for maximum gravitas. Don't choke on a nacho while you opine!
PRE-GAME
"During their last meet-up in the [...]
New Orleans -4 At San Francisco 47
The Saints' offense is historically great Drew Brees' production just dominates. They have so many weapons that can score. Even on the road they're tough to ignore. Candlestick Park isn't the Superdome The 49ers defense stands alone. Can Alex Smith and the offense keep pace With the Saints scoring all over the place? If Frank Gore can have a big game rushing and their cornerbacks can be punishing maybe San Francisco can eke one out. Both coaches have serious genius clout. If this was played indoors I'd reverse it. But wind makes interceptions, so that's that. PICK: NINERS, THE UNDER
December 22
Houston -6 At Indianapolis Can Indy's back-up quarterback beat Houston's third- string QB? Who cares. PICK: COLTS
December 24
At Kansas City -2.5 Oakland Deal with the devil Chiefs struck to beat the Packers lasts another week. PICK: CHIEFS
Thursday, December 8
At Pittsburgh -14 Cleveland Is Colt McCoy the Quarterback of the Future? Then Browns' Future Sucks. PICK: BROWNS
Sunday, December 11
At Baltimore -16.5 Indianapolis Baltimore only shows up against the good teams. This could be closer. PICK: COLTS
Wednesday, September 5
At NY Giants -4 Dallas
Giants will sleepwalk through the season and turn it on in the playoffs. PICK: GIANTS
Sunday, September 9
At Chicago -9.5 Indianapolis
Bears' great defense will contain Andrew Luck. But offense can't score. PICK: COLTS
Although I’m huge on newspapers, no New York newspaper seems to fit my demographic: aging socialist who only wants to read the Sports Page and Garfield. I give up on newspapers ruthlessly and as permanently as I can. The Boston Globe and The New York Times were the first to go by the wayside. The Globe because The New York Times destroyed it, and then The Times because of their craven build-up to the Iraq War. That, and all their annoying Brooklyn trend pieces. I read the Boston Herald in Boston, minus the entire front section (except the always-enjoyable “The Inside Track,” because I want to know what Matt [...]
February marked the twenty-first anniversary of the publication of a book of poems by the gifted actor Ally Sheedy. It was called Yesterday I Saw the Sun, and she was famously excoriated for it. Sheedy was then 28 years old and coming off a very bad patch, including a stint at Hazelden; she had picked up an addiction to Halcion during an ill-fated fling with Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora, and her friend Demi Moore is said to have scooped up the remains of Sheedy and posted them to rehab by way of an intervention. Terrible business, but the braying press went after her anyway. "Ally Sheedy from bad to [...]
At New England -7 Baltimore 50
The Ravens are well known for their defense but so much depends upon Joe Flacco and Ray Rice if they are to defeat the Patriots. Is there any quarterback handsomer than Brady? Let's hope Ray Lewis doesn't destroy Foxborough with his purple death rays this coming Sunday.
If the home team expects to win on Sunday They will need to burn the Ravens' defense. Gronkowski must have a big day in Foxborough And the Pats' D must fluster Joe Flacco. He's certainly not as handsome as Tom Brady. But he could be dangerous against the Patriots.
Saturday, January 7
At Houston -3 Cincinnati 38.5
The Texans have finally won the South Mostly because Peyton Manning is out. And their quarterback is now injured, too. Leaving their offense completely askew. Receiver Andre Johnson is healthy. Running back Arian Foster's stealthy. But who will be their starting quarterback? Rookie T. J. Yates will lead the attack. The Bengals turn to a rookie as well And Andy Dalton has been pretty swell. Rookie A.J. Green is a Pro Bowler But the Bengals play kind of bi-polar. They tend to be their own worst enemy And three points just isn't enough for me. PICK: TEXANS, THE UNDER
