Posts Tagged: Jim Behrle
17

What Writing Programs Ought To Teach You When They Teach You About Writing

American Student Loan Debt Delinquencies has overtaken American Credit Card Debt for the first time on the spectrum of Debts. Students pay more to go to college and graduate school and get less from their buck than ever before. And now you can’t even pay it back! You used to get a job, now you get a ham sandwich, maybe. It's not necessarily the fault of colleges and universities. They have to make big bucks to keep all that marble buffed and ivy trimmed. I'd much rather blame the heads of departments. The myth was once that if you got a Liberal Arts education in some worthless degree field you'd [...]

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Smart, Sportsy Things For You To Say During Super Bowl XLVII

Sports nerds shouldn't be the only ones who get to say smart-sounding sports stuff during this weekend's big game. So here once again to provide you with some Super Bowl small talk is Jim Behrle, Awl football picks haiku-ist. Just for you, he's assembled these highly proprietary pieces of wisdom gained from a life lived in his mom's basement, playing Madden all day. Enjoy!

PRE-GAME

• "It wouldn't shock me to see deposed quarterback Alex Smith play a key role in the outcome of today's game. Just like when Deep Blue moved its rook all the way down the board against Garry Kasparov in a [...]

2

Football Pick Haikus For Week 16

Saturday, December 22

Atlanta -3.5 At Detroit

Detroit really needs a new city government and a new head coach. PICK: FALCONS

Sunday, December 23

At Green Bay -12.5 Tennessee

I’d take the Titans and the points if you gave me seven billion points. PICK: PACKERS

0

Football Pick Haikus For Week 13

Thursday, November 29

At Atlanta -3.5 New Orleans

Actual great game on the NFL Network! I’ll take that half point. PICK: SAINTS

Sunday, December 2

At Chicago – 3.5 Seattle

My heart says Seahawks but my heart doesn’t really make any money. PICK: BEARS

1

Football Pick Haikus For Week 11

Thursday, November 15

At Buffalo -2.5 Miami

C. J. Spiller is very fast and dangerous so I will Bill-lieve! PICK: BILLS

Sunday, November 18

At Washington -3.5 Philadelphia

All Eagles’ players ought to emulate Nick Foles’ awesome mullet 'doo. PICK: REDSKINS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 7

Thursday, October 18

At San Francisco -7 Seattle

Lose back-to-back games at home and Jim Harbaugh will go Supernova. PICK: SEAHAWKS

Sunday, October 21

At Buffalo -3 Tennessee

Bills are 3 and 3! Tied for First Place in the East! Enjoy, Buffalo! PICK: TITANS

2

Football Pick Haikus For Week 5

Thursday, October 4

Arizona -1.5 At St. Louis

The Cardinals still are Undefeated but seem ripe For a huge letdown. PICK: RAMS

Sunday, October 7

Atlanta -3 At Washington

Matty Ryan used to bull's-eye womp rats in his T-16 back home. PICK: FALCONS

At Pittsburgh -3.5 Philadelphia

Michael Vick is one Sack away from becoming A McRib Sandwich. PICK: STEELERS

2

4 Fill-In-The-Blank Poems For You To Steal This Valentine's Day

It's not too late! Valentine's Day can be salvaged, you procrastinators! Duane Reade may be wiped out of everything except Strawberry-flavored Three Musketeer bars (Ew. And then also Yum. And then back to Ew.) I may think that love is an illusion. And that Valentine's Day is not actually about love, it's about out-loving everybody else with the perfection of your relationship's love. When your relationship probably needs some work, like everybody else's. But that's no reason for you to get jacked up by your sweetie for screwing up Valentine's Day (possibly again?). I'm your poetry pal. And poetry is only useful culturally when you want to get laid or [...]

2

NFL Championship Villanelle Picks

January 20, San Francisco -4 at Atlanta

NO ONE THINKS THE FALCONS ARE GOOD ENOUGH: A VILLANELLE

No one thinks the Falcons are good enough, Even though they finally won a playoff game. The Niners are a complete team, they will be tough.

Quarterback Matt Ryan surely has the right stuff. Running back Michael Turner has been kind of lame. No one thinks the Falcons are good enough.

0

Football Pick Haikus For Week 15

Thursday, December 13

Cincinnati -4.5 At Philadelphia

Bengals have taken the last few weeks off but the Eagles off all year. PICK: BENGALS

Sunday, December 16

Green Bay -3 At Chicago

Without Urlacher Bears Defense looks gooey like a deep crust pizza. PICK: PACKERS

23

Two Cartoon Interpretations Of Fox News' "The War On Men" Article

There are several puzzling parts in Suzanne Venker's article "The war on men" from this weekend, not least this paragraph: "In a nutshell, the women are angry. They’re also defensive, though often unknowingly. That’s because they’ve been raised to think of men as the enemy. Armed with this new attitude, women pushed men off their pedestal (women had their own pedestal, but feminists convinced them otherwise) and climbed up to take what they were taught to believe was rightfully theirs." Here's a sentence-by-sentence reading of what it all might mean.

2

Football Pick Haikus For Week 10

Thursday, November 8

Indianapolis -3.5 At Jacksonville

Jags on National Television! It's like why they canceled "Joey." PICK: COLTS

Sunday, November 11

At New England -11 Buffalo

Patriots, coming off the Bye, have installed spy helmet cameras. PICK: PATS

7

How to Win the Nobel Prize in Literature

So you didn't win a Nobel Prize in Literature this week. Unless your name is Mr. Mo. Although, if you live in Europe, you did win a consolation Nobel Peace Prize at least. (Giving the Nobel Peace Prize to the European Union is like giving an Oscar to Alf.) Anyway, I know, it’s total bullshit. You totally deserved it. But you might just be a calendar year away from getting the recognition you so obviously deserve. Let me show you the way.

I waited by the phone all week for that congratulatory call from overseas myself! Not for the stuff I’ve already written, which, let’s admit, is pretty amazing. But [...]

5

Football Pick Haikus For Week 4

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 27

At Baltimore -12 Cleveland

Browns have a chance if all the Ravens players get themselves arrested. PICK: BROWNS

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30

New England -4 At Buffalo

Last time the Pats lost three games straight Massasoit was the quarterback. PICK: PATS

At Detroit -5 Minnesota

Lions' coach's weird plan to lose in overtime last week worked out great. PICK: LIONS

2

An Epic Poem Pick For The Super Bowl

And so concludes this season of poetic football picks.

San Francisco -3.5 Baltimore

Baltimore is one of my favorite places All the tasty crabs, all the friendly faces I like going to watch the Orioles And checking out “The Wire” rows

And so is San Francisco with its cool fog hanging out in the poetry room of City Lights agog I particularly love eating at House of Nanking And just kinda ordering one of everything

1

NFL Playoff Sonnet Picks

Saturday, January 12

At Denver -9.5 Baltimore

We all know that Ray Lewis can still dance. But catch a sure interception? Fat chance. He looks like RoboCop with that arm brace. And half a season out has slowed his pace. Can the Ravens win? It’s up to Flacco. Picking them here might seem kinda wacko. Mile High Stadium air is pretty thin And old guys tend to get tired therein. Peyton Manning leads a vicious attack. He gets five touchdowns from flat on his back. Knowshon Moreno can carry the ball Will the Purple Guys stand up like dry wall? Against the Ravens defense I won’t bet. And [...]

0

Football Pick Haikus For Week 14

Thursday, December 6

Denver -10 At Oakland

Peyton Manning will recreate the flashlight scene from Manhandled 4. PICK: RAIDERS

Sunday, December 9

At Washington -2.5 Baltimore

Bet on RG3; fix your Fiscal Cliff! Lead us to a late field goal. PICK: REDSKINS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 12

Thursday, November 22—Thanksgiving!

Houston -3 At Detroit

While you are eating turkey the Lions will be getting their ass kicked. PICK: TEXANS

At Dallas -3 Washington

While you are taking a tryptophan nap Romo will be screwing up. PICK: REDSKINS

New England -6.5 At NY Jets

While you’re at a bar avoiding your family the Jets will still suck. PICK: PATRIOTS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 9

Thursday, November 1

At San Diego -7.5 Kansas City

I’m hoping Chiefs’ star cornerback Brandon Flowers gets six pick sixes PICK: CHIEFS

Sunday, November 4

Denver -3.5 At Cincinnati

The Bengals will play great and then Peyton Manning will steal their candy. PICK: BRONCOS

At Green Bay -11 Arizona

I’m sick of losing cash betting against the Green Bay Packers every week. PICK: PACKERS

3

Football Pick Haikus For Week 6

Thursday, October 11

Pittsburgh -6 At Tennessee

Troy Polamalu Is injured again. Titans avoid an execution. PICK: TITANS.

Biden -3 v. Ryan

Joe’s always gaffe-prone but Ryan tends to just make shit completely up. PICK: BIDEN

Sunday, October 14

Cincinnati -1 At Cleveland

I grew up Democrat. I have a soft spot for all pathetic losers. PICK: BROWNS