The Awl http://www.theawl.com/ Be Less Stupid Tue, 29 Mar 2011 14:45:05 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.2 A Guide To Richmond, VA, By a Guy Who Lived There from '93 to '97 http://www.theawl.com/2011/03/a-guide-to-richmond-va-by-a-guy-who-lived-there-from-93-to-97 http://www.theawl.com/2011/03/a-guide-to-richmond-va-by-a-guy-who-lived-there-from-93-to-97#comments Tue, 29 Mar 2011 14:45:05 +0000 Jason Linkins http://www.theawl.com/2011/03/a-guide-to-richmond-va-by-a-guy-who-lived-there-from-93-to-97 Thanks to the college basketball championships, in which both Richmond, Virginia-based teams (Virginia Commonwealth University and the University of Richmond) performed admirably, we had cause to ponder, "Not sure why people are so into Richmond, Virginia." That's a reasonable question! Richmond is a mostly busted-ass city on the banks of the James River that's played host to such luminaries as George Allen, and also George Allen's wife—what's her name, the one who married George Allen. It's best known as the capital of the Confederacy, and, as many of the old-school Richmondites—by which I mean the "racist" ones—will probably tell you, that's basically where the city peaked.

But I attended Virginia Commonwealth University for just as long as was humanly necessary, and I have to say, I have a fondness for Richmond that just won't quit. So I thought I'd share some fun facts about a place I lived while I was getting an MFA that I pretty much don't really use anymore!

Richmond loves them some confederate heroes! And they celebrate them all on a road called Monument Avenue. There, you'll find all the greats: Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, J.E.B. Stuart, Jefferson Davis. Also, there is some guy named Matthew Fontaine Maury whose importance is a mystery to me. He did something with sextants, I think?

Also, Arthur Ashe! Arthur Ashe was a tennis playing hero of Richmond who won three Grand Slam titles, which was more Grand Slams than the entire Confederate Army put together! But when it came time to put his statue on Monument Avenue, man... people really freaked out! A lot of people didn't want Ashe on the Avenue because they looked him up and saw that he was a black dude. The whole tennis part threw them for a while, but they sussed it out eventually. And so: racism. But a lot of otherwise nicer people didn't want his statue on the street because they didn't want Ashe associated with a bunch of Civil War losers. Whatever! That's where they put the statue, so everyone loses!

To be honest with you, have you seen the statue? It kind of looks like Ashe is about to cold whoop some kids upside the head with some books and/or his tennis racket. I always thought it looked weird, anyway, but I never said much about it, because my wife was friends with some people who were friends with the sculptor, so you never knew who you were going to be in the room with at any given time that you were at a party and felt the urge to just start straight up making fun of the statue.

There are some appreciable differences between the student bodies of Virginia Commonwealth University and the University of Richmond. VCU students fell into several categories: heroin users, meth users, people with multiple tattoos, people with multiple piercings, people with multiple piercings that you didn't realize were there until you were in the middle of having sex with them and discovered that you had all this shrapnel to navigate around, and also some people who weren't in the art school. By contrast, students from the University of Richmond were basically "like UVa. students, only dumb."

The Ku Klux Klan's number was in the White Pages! Is that normal? I never noticed it in the White Pages of any other place I've lived. And I haven't checked any White Pages since. It was more like one night I was like, "Damn, I bet the Klan's phone number is in this town's phone book or something," and lo, there it was! It was just an answering machine, though. (A thoroughly racist answering machine.) Me and Justice, my coworker at the record store, would call and leave messages that graphically depicted us in the middle of some "hardcore miscegenation."

There are no left turns in Richmond. Or, at least there were a surprising amount of streets in our neighborhood where they were disallowed.

Also, all the prostitutes that you were likely to encounter around VCU were cross-dressers. There were no exceptions to this.

Both of those facts (the left turns, the crossdressers) were immortalized in a song called "No Left Turns In Richmond" by my friends' band, but you probably never heard that song because their other song was named "I Shot Michael Jordan's Dad (And I'm Glad)" and people just weren't into that. Too soon.

We sometimes hung out with this dude named Ivo whose brother was in Bio Ritmo. Talking to him was just like talking to someone who had committed himself to doing a lifelong, "Saturday Night Live"-style John Travolta imitation. But he was cool, though. I'm pretty sure he sold one of my friends a gun.

Someone once approached me about possibly "fiancee swapping." Except it was this middle-aged grad student who was grey and sweaty and who didn't have a fiancee, or a girlfriend even, for that matter, to swap. Not that I would have done it if he had, he was gross! And get this: he pitched this idea to me at the Carpenter Center during the intermission of Kiss Of The Spider Woman. I mean, of all the places!

VCU now plays basketball at a place called the Siegel Center. It wasn't there when I was a student. But it's two blocks from my old apartment, in a neighborhood that VCU long coveted and finally overtook. Gone now is the terrible strip club down the street from me, the decent comic book store and the converted movie theatre where I saw the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion leap around to the light of a single maddening strobe.

My friends Jessica and Sarah lived in a haunted house on Grove Avenue. For realsies! This poltergeist was all up in their shit, constantly!

My wife got fired from the Body Shop while we lived in Richmond. The Body Shop! What do you have to do to get fired from the Body Shop? (The story of how my wife got fired from the Body Shop is really not that interesting actually.)

Here's an interesting story. One night, while I was up working on my thesis, I started hearing this strange, repeated noise out my window, coming from the back alley. I went down the back stairs and outside, and the noise became more clear: it sounded like someone yelling some loud gibberish, followed by this epically confident laughter, like, "Garbhlegharg bafulliblah. [pause] HEH. HEH. HEH." Over and over again. I walked out into the alley, seeking to identify the source of the noise. I discovered that it was emanating from the fifth floor of the retirement home that backed onto the alley shared by my apartment. Upstairs, there was some old codger in a grey t-shirt, with the window open, just yelling out into the night, some drunken blather punctuated by this cocksure HEH-HEH-HEHs. People all up and down the street were howling at this guy to shut the hell up already, it was after two in the morning and people were sleeping, etc. But he didn't give a shit. Those catcalls just fueled him further. And so he stood at his window, pulling on a bottle, howling his nonsense into the night, and letting everyone on the block know that tonight, he just DID NOT GIVE A FUCK. For one night, he was going to forget the life that passed him by, that had brought him to this ramshackle retirement home, and just give the world outside his window a piece of his goddamn mind until someone finally busted down the door and stopped him. I stood out there in the alley for a few minutes more, craning my neck to get a better view of the gaunt figure in the window, raining down indecipherable epithets upon my poor, broken-down Southern town. In a world of perfect honesty, that guy would have a statue on Monument Avenue.



Jason Linkins' life was saved by some truly great ER doctors and nurses at the Medical College of Virginia, and he wishes them the best.

Photo from Flickr by rvaphotodude.

---

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41 comments

]]> Thanks to the college basketball championships, in which both Richmond, Virginia-based teams (Virginia Commonwealth University and the University of Richmond) performed admirably, we had cause to ponder, "Not sure why people are so into Richmond, Virginia." That's a reasonable question! Richmond is a mostly busted-ass city on the banks of the James River that's played host to such luminaries as George Allen, and also George Allen's wife—what's her name, the one who married George Allen. It's best known as the capital of the Confederacy, and, as many of the old-school Richmondites—by which I mean the "racist" ones—will probably tell you, that's basically where the city peaked.

But I attended Virginia Commonwealth University for just as long as was humanly necessary, and I have to say, I have a fondness for Richmond that just won't quit. So I thought I'd share some fun facts about a place I lived while I was getting an MFA that I pretty much don't really use anymore!

Richmond loves them some confederate heroes! And they celebrate them all on a road called Monument Avenue. There, you'll find all the greats: Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, J.E.B. Stuart, Jefferson Davis. Also, there is some guy named Matthew Fontaine Maury whose importance is a mystery to me. He did something with sextants, I think?

Also, Arthur Ashe! Arthur Ashe was a tennis playing hero of Richmond who won three Grand Slam titles, which was more Grand Slams than the entire Confederate Army put together! But when it came time to put his statue on Monument Avenue, man... people really freaked out! A lot of people didn't want Ashe on the Avenue because they looked him up and saw that he was a black dude. The whole tennis part threw them for a while, but they sussed it out eventually. And so: racism. But a lot of otherwise nicer people didn't want his statue on the street because they didn't want Ashe associated with a bunch of Civil War losers. Whatever! That's where they put the statue, so everyone loses!

To be honest with you, have you seen the statue? It kind of looks like Ashe is about to cold whoop some kids upside the head with some books and/or his tennis racket. I always thought it looked weird, anyway, but I never said much about it, because my wife was friends with some people who were friends with the sculptor, so you never knew who you were going to be in the room with at any given time that you were at a party and felt the urge to just start straight up making fun of the statue.

There are some appreciable differences between the student bodies of Virginia Commonwealth University and the University of Richmond. VCU students fell into several categories: heroin users, meth users, people with multiple tattoos, people with multiple piercings, people with multiple piercings that you didn't realize were there until you were in the middle of having sex with them and discovered that you had all this shrapnel to navigate around, and also some people who weren't in the art school. By contrast, students from the University of Richmond were basically "like UVa. students, only dumb."

The Ku Klux Klan's number was in the White Pages! Is that normal? I never noticed it in the White Pages of any other place I've lived. And I haven't checked any White Pages since. It was more like one night I was like, "Damn, I bet the Klan's phone number is in this town's phone book or something," and lo, there it was! It was just an answering machine, though. (A thoroughly racist answering machine.) Me and Justice, my coworker at the record store, would call and leave messages that graphically depicted us in the middle of some "hardcore miscegenation."

There are no left turns in Richmond. Or, at least there were a surprising amount of streets in our neighborhood where they were disallowed.

Also, all the prostitutes that you were likely to encounter around VCU were cross-dressers. There were no exceptions to this.

Both of those facts (the left turns, the crossdressers) were immortalized in a song called "No Left Turns In Richmond" by my friends' band, but you probably never heard that song because their other song was named "I Shot Michael Jordan's Dad (And I'm Glad)" and people just weren't into that. Too soon.

We sometimes hung out with this dude named Ivo whose brother was in Bio Ritmo. Talking to him was just like talking to someone who had committed himself to doing a lifelong, "Saturday Night Live"-style John Travolta imitation. But he was cool, though. I'm pretty sure he sold one of my friends a gun.

Someone once approached me about possibly "fiancee swapping." Except it was this middle-aged grad student who was grey and sweaty and who didn't have a fiancee, or a girlfriend even, for that matter, to swap. Not that I would have done it if he had, he was gross! And get this: he pitched this idea to me at the Carpenter Center during the intermission of Kiss Of The Spider Woman. I mean, of all the places!

VCU now plays basketball at a place called the Siegel Center. It wasn't there when I was a student. But it's two blocks from my old apartment, in a neighborhood that VCU long coveted and finally overtook. Gone now is the terrible strip club down the street from me, the decent comic book store and the converted movie theatre where I saw the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion leap around to the light of a single maddening strobe.

My friends Jessica and Sarah lived in a haunted house on Grove Avenue. For realsies! This poltergeist was all up in their shit, constantly!

My wife got fired from the Body Shop while we lived in Richmond. The Body Shop! What do you have to do to get fired from the Body Shop? (The story of how my wife got fired from the Body Shop is really not that interesting actually.)

Here's an interesting story. One night, while I was up working on my thesis, I started hearing this strange, repeated noise out my window, coming from the back alley. I went down the back stairs and outside, and the noise became more clear: it sounded like someone yelling some loud gibberish, followed by this epically confident laughter, like, "Garbhlegharg bafulliblah. [pause] HEH. HEH. HEH." Over and over again. I walked out into the alley, seeking to identify the source of the noise. I discovered that it was emanating from the fifth floor of the retirement home that backed onto the alley shared by my apartment. Upstairs, there was some old codger in a grey t-shirt, with the window open, just yelling out into the night, some drunken blather punctuated by this cocksure HEH-HEH-HEHs. People all up and down the street were howling at this guy to shut the hell up already, it was after two in the morning and people were sleeping, etc. But he didn't give a shit. Those catcalls just fueled him further. And so he stood at his window, pulling on a bottle, howling his nonsense into the night, and letting everyone on the block know that tonight, he just DID NOT GIVE A FUCK. For one night, he was going to forget the life that passed him by, that had brought him to this ramshackle retirement home, and just give the world outside his window a piece of his goddamn mind until someone finally busted down the door and stopped him. I stood out there in the alley for a few minutes more, craning my neck to get a better view of the gaunt figure in the window, raining down indecipherable epithets upon my poor, broken-down Southern town. In a world of perfect honesty, that guy would have a statue on Monument Avenue.



Jason Linkins' life was saved by some truly great ER doctors and nurses at the Medical College of Virginia, and he wishes them the best.

Photo from Flickr by rvaphotodude.

---

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41 comments

]]> http://www.theawl.com/2011/03/a-guide-to-richmond-va-by-a-guy-who-lived-there-from-93-to-97/feed 41 The Backside of Barack Obama http://www.theawl.com/2010/11/the-backside-of-barack-obama http://www.theawl.com/2010/11/the-backside-of-barack-obama#comments Thu, 18 Nov 2010 13:00:37 +0000 Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins http://www.theawl.com/2010/11/the-backside-of-barack-obama Here are GQ's Ana Marie Cox and the Huffington Post's Eat the Press editor Jason Linkins to explain the politics. Why are we seeing so much of the back of Obama? What indeed was Rahm planning? What is the deal with Bo? Is Joe Biden still alive?

Gratuitously magical. Hold on to these moments, Obama fans.


Ana Marie: I don't know if this is a metaphor for the mood at the White House or what, but Pete Souza sure is taking a lot of pictures of Obama's back.

Jason: Maybe Pete Souza will write a column for Politico about how frustrated he is with Obama withholding access? "How much money is left in your 'The Obama White House has a messaging problem' budget, VandeHei?"


Ana Marie: Seriously that is a lot of pix of Obama's ass. Ass in mom jeans!

Jason: When Sasha fished her golf ball out of the hole, was John Boehner there, sipping on a Slurpee?

Ana Marie: Tanning on top of an overturned car?


Tell you one thing: Our Special Envoy for Middle East Peace does not seem like he's paid very much attention to...no wonder it's been taking awhile!


"And now, folks, a special treat, as Hillary performs her favorite tunes from 'Anything Goes!'"


"Okay! Middle East Peace Process! Everyone synchronize their watches!"


Ana Marie: There's no way to get around a throws like a girl joke here.

Jason: There's also no way of getting around the fact that Bo could start for the Washington Nationals right now.


If this is how Obama looks before every staff meeting, I would be concerned.


Ana Marie: Ol' Joe Biden, telling that same story about how he was almost president. Again.

Jason: I think Rahm is mulling whether he wants to whip out that Hillary-for-Joe switch plan he's keeping behind his back.

Next: Obama's Secret Notes!

---

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19 comments

]]> Here are GQ's Ana Marie Cox and the Huffington Post's Eat the Press editor Jason Linkins to explain the politics. Why are we seeing so much of the back of Obama? What indeed was Rahm planning? What is the deal with Bo? Is Joe Biden still alive?

Gratuitously magical. Hold on to these moments, Obama fans.


Ana Marie: I don't know if this is a metaphor for the mood at the White House or what, but Pete Souza sure is taking a lot of pictures of Obama's back.

Jason: Maybe Pete Souza will write a column for Politico about how frustrated he is with Obama withholding access? "How much money is left in your 'The Obama White House has a messaging problem' budget, VandeHei?"


Ana Marie: Seriously that is a lot of pix of Obama's ass. Ass in mom jeans!

Jason: When Sasha fished her golf ball out of the hole, was John Boehner there, sipping on a Slurpee?

Ana Marie: Tanning on top of an overturned car?


Tell you one thing: Our Special Envoy for Middle East Peace does not seem like he's paid very much attention to...no wonder it's been taking awhile!


"And now, folks, a special treat, as Hillary performs her favorite tunes from 'Anything Goes!'"


"Okay! Middle East Peace Process! Everyone synchronize their watches!"


Ana Marie: There's no way to get around a throws like a girl joke here.

Jason: There's also no way of getting around the fact that Bo could start for the Washington Nationals right now.


If this is how Obama looks before every staff meeting, I would be concerned.


Ana Marie: Ol' Joe Biden, telling that same story about how he was almost president. Again.

Jason: I think Rahm is mulling whether he wants to whip out that Hillary-for-Joe switch plan he's keeping behind his back.

Next: Obama's Secret Notes!

---

See more posts by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

19 comments

]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/11/the-backside-of-barack-obama/feed 19 The Annotated White House Flickr Feed: When Two Presidents Get It On http://www.theawl.com/2010/07/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-when-two-presidents-get-it-on http://www.theawl.com/2010/07/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-when-two-presidents-get-it-on#comments Wed, 14 Jul 2010 17:00:38 +0000 Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins http://www.theawl.com/2010/07/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-when-two-presidents-get-it-on Here are GQ's Ana Marie Cox and the Huffington Post's Eat the Press editor Jason Linkins to explain our Muslim President's hot gay affair with wee yet hot Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, through the joys of the White House's Flickr feed!

1
Jason: Oh, wow! You realize she's back in Michelle Obama's Kiss And Cry Room! (Previously, on Michelle Obama's Kiss And Cry Room.)
Ana: It actually looks like it may be a very special White House edition of What Not To Wear.

2

President Obama presides over the world's most boring game of Simon Says.

3

Obama's like: "You know, in my situation room, we have these wall sized iPads. But we can make due with these corkboards, I guess."

4

Ana: Poor Mayor of Gulfport, the only guy who wore a tie. I can't help but notice in the luncheon picture that someone did not even touch their hushpuppies.

Jason: It looks like every meal I have ever had on the Outer Banks, minus the joy (and the bourbon).

5

Ana: Blurry GOP, sad Obama. That's pretty much the narrative for 2012.

Jason: You just did Chuck Todd's work for him.

Ana: Put me on MEET THE PRESS, dammit!

Jason: God, I'd actually look forward to that show, if you were on it.

6

Orange Beach, Alabama's Tacky Jacks preps for its first "Wet POTUS contest!"

7

Jason: I despair of the way this White House Flickr page is organized! That Mike McFaul thing we already did is still on the front page!

Ana: YES. Though there is Reverend Falwell!

Jason: I think you mean Billy Graham, though it's an easy mistake to make.

Ana: Yes. Who is now so liver-spotted that he is also biracial.

Jason: Okay, well, now we've captioned that photo, haven't we?

8

And now, this month in "Obama pensively listening to the world fall apart around him in the Situation Room."

Next: Garth Brooks???

---

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14 comments

]]> Here are GQ's Ana Marie Cox and the Huffington Post's Eat the Press editor Jason Linkins to explain our Muslim President's hot gay affair with wee yet hot Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, through the joys of the White House's Flickr feed!

1
Jason: Oh, wow! You realize she's back in Michelle Obama's Kiss And Cry Room! (Previously, on Michelle Obama's Kiss And Cry Room.)
Ana: It actually looks like it may be a very special White House edition of What Not To Wear.

2

President Obama presides over the world's most boring game of Simon Says.

3

Obama's like: "You know, in my situation room, we have these wall sized iPads. But we can make due with these corkboards, I guess."

4

Ana: Poor Mayor of Gulfport, the only guy who wore a tie. I can't help but notice in the luncheon picture that someone did not even touch their hushpuppies.

Jason: It looks like every meal I have ever had on the Outer Banks, minus the joy (and the bourbon).

5

Ana: Blurry GOP, sad Obama. That's pretty much the narrative for 2012.

Jason: You just did Chuck Todd's work for him.

Ana: Put me on MEET THE PRESS, dammit!

Jason: God, I'd actually look forward to that show, if you were on it.

6

Orange Beach, Alabama's Tacky Jacks preps for its first "Wet POTUS contest!"

7

Jason: I despair of the way this White House Flickr page is organized! That Mike McFaul thing we already did is still on the front page!

Ana: YES. Though there is Reverend Falwell!

Jason: I think you mean Billy Graham, though it's an easy mistake to make.

Ana: Yes. Who is now so liver-spotted that he is also biracial.

Jason: Okay, well, now we've captioned that photo, haven't we?

8

And now, this month in "Obama pensively listening to the world fall apart around him in the Situation Room."

Next: Garth Brooks???

---

See more posts by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

14 comments

]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/07/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-when-two-presidents-get-it-on/feed 14 The Annotated White House Flickr Feed: He's Got Your Health Care Right Here http://www.theawl.com/2010/03/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-hes-got-your-health-care-right-here http://www.theawl.com/2010/03/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-hes-got-your-health-care-right-here#comments Tue, 30 Mar 2010 16:07:21 +0000 Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins http://www.theawl.com/2010/03/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-hes-got-your-health-care-right-here One man stalks our President. His name is Pete Souza. Day and night, he tries to shoot the President, through every opening available. That is what she said, and here are GQ's Ana Marie Cox and the Huffington Post's Eat the Press editor Jason Linkins to explain this man's madness.

1

Yeah, what this image doesn't capture is the moment DNC chair Tim Kaine tried to slip a twenty into Barack's waistband.


2
3

As a condition of aid, any nation in need has to agree to send their First Ladies — that's Elizabeth Preval of Haiti, above, and Ada Papandreou of Greece, below — to spend time in the Michelle Obama Kiss and Cry Room. (The degree to which each is turned to Michelle demonstrates their relative indebtedness.)




5Yep. Someone let Obama wander too near the Lincoln portrait again!



6Obama leaves his left-handed graffiti tag on some clean wall. So tough shit, gentrifiers.




7Jeesh, what is with Rahm's purple pullover? Is that a loaner from Axelrod?



8Seriously, who else gets their picture taken, going over paperwork?




9When the White House wants to get a counter-cultural figure that's neither clean nor articulate, they get Bob Dylan.



10Boehner and Obama discuss melanin.

BOEHNER: "Yeah, well it takes me this many trips to the tanning salon to achieve this rich, blood-orange color."



11
12Here's how the Pete Souza "Hero, Pensively Framed" magic happens.


13White House doctor Jeffrey Kuhlman, seen here tooling around in the "spare limousine," obviously needs a lesson from Sebelius on how to keep from spreading his goddamn germs around.


14This is what Tim Geithner looks like when he is flirting. Now you know how that works.



15What? Peter Orszag wears cowboy boots? Did he lose a bet or something?


16Obama's personal aide is "Reggie Love." He doesn't just SOUND like a hot athletic star, he IS a hot athletic star. Joe Biden's personal aide, seen above, is "Fran Person" — if that is in fact his real name. But, uh, either way: suits him.



17Meet Erskine Bowles and Alan K. Simpson, your National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform co-chairs. Hey, if those foreheads can't solve the financial crisis, whose forehead can?



18Barack Obama meets with Leo McGarry.




19Obama looks at pictures of people who have gotten high more than he has.




20White House staffers pass the time on Air Force One playing Celebrity Password.



21HARRY REID: "Yep, we're gonna pass health care reform by about THIS much."



21Oh, America. Your second black president is still pretty white.



21Uhm. Wow. Your move, Carla Bruni.

---

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37 comments

]]> One man stalks our President. His name is Pete Souza. Day and night, he tries to shoot the President, through every opening available. That is what she said, and here are GQ's Ana Marie Cox and the Huffington Post's Eat the Press editor Jason Linkins to explain this man's madness.

1

Yeah, what this image doesn't capture is the moment DNC chair Tim Kaine tried to slip a twenty into Barack's waistband.


2
3

As a condition of aid, any nation in need has to agree to send their First Ladies — that's Elizabeth Preval of Haiti, above, and Ada Papandreou of Greece, below — to spend time in the Michelle Obama Kiss and Cry Room. (The degree to which each is turned to Michelle demonstrates their relative indebtedness.)




5Yep. Someone let Obama wander too near the Lincoln portrait again!



6Obama leaves his left-handed graffiti tag on some clean wall. So tough shit, gentrifiers.




7Jeesh, what is with Rahm's purple pullover? Is that a loaner from Axelrod?



8Seriously, who else gets their picture taken, going over paperwork?




9When the White House wants to get a counter-cultural figure that's neither clean nor articulate, they get Bob Dylan.



10Boehner and Obama discuss melanin.

BOEHNER: "Yeah, well it takes me this many trips to the tanning salon to achieve this rich, blood-orange color."



11
12Here's how the Pete Souza "Hero, Pensively Framed" magic happens.


13White House doctor Jeffrey Kuhlman, seen here tooling around in the "spare limousine," obviously needs a lesson from Sebelius on how to keep from spreading his goddamn germs around.


14This is what Tim Geithner looks like when he is flirting. Now you know how that works.



15What? Peter Orszag wears cowboy boots? Did he lose a bet or something?


16Obama's personal aide is "Reggie Love." He doesn't just SOUND like a hot athletic star, he IS a hot athletic star. Joe Biden's personal aide, seen above, is "Fran Person" — if that is in fact his real name. But, uh, either way: suits him.



17Meet Erskine Bowles and Alan K. Simpson, your National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform co-chairs. Hey, if those foreheads can't solve the financial crisis, whose forehead can?



18Barack Obama meets with Leo McGarry.




19Obama looks at pictures of people who have gotten high more than he has.




20White House staffers pass the time on Air Force One playing Celebrity Password.



21HARRY REID: "Yep, we're gonna pass health care reform by about THIS much."



21Oh, America. Your second black president is still pretty white.



21Uhm. Wow. Your move, Carla Bruni.

---

See more posts by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

37 comments

]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/03/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-hes-got-your-health-care-right-here/feed 37 The Annotated White House Flickr Feed, with Ana Marie Cox and Jason Linkins: A Message To You, Salahi http://www.theawl.com/2009/12/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-a-message-to-you-salahi http://www.theawl.com/2009/12/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-a-message-to-you-salahi#comments Tue, 15 Dec 2009 16:30:00 +0000 Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins http://www.theawl.com/2009/12/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-a-message-to-you-salahi That GuyOur President: so busy! So photographed! And here are Air America's Ana Marie Cox and the Huffington Post's Eat the Press editor Jason Linkins to trawl the documentary evidence of our White House in action.

Like much of daily life there, [the Salahi's] visit was recorded and uploaded on the White House Flickr feed, the always-on streaming window into "the people's house," a nickname that has never been more apt than under the current residents. Considering the White House's hulking, media-rich Web site, its Facebook page, photo galleries and podcasts on iTunes, the presidency seems less threatened by the incursion of a reality show than running an administration that is in danger of becoming one. -David Carr in the New York Times.

Um, hey... we think that this notion that the pictures of Pete Souza and friends create some form of transparency, for "the people" is a little mangled. These are staged shots, taken by photographers who hump around the White House grounds, hiding in trees and shooting fruit bowls. This is arty, nature photography-just focused on the White House. Reality is a made thing, and Pete Souza will frame it in a doorway, or the window of an automobile.

Also, we sort of think maybe Carr doesn't know what "streaming" means.

QQ1

The evil genius of the Obama family is that they look SO NORMAL.

QQ2

Fuck! Los Lobos? LOU DOBBS WARNED US THIS WOULD HAPPEN!

QQ3

There's your economic recovery, people! The bridge to... well, it's hard say.

QQ4

Go ahead, admit it, America: You're thinking about his cock.

QQ5

Lovemaking was much better in the days before the Stupak amendment.

QQ5

"You throw me the whip, I give you the idol!"

QQ5

Ana Marie: Stalking AND framing? This has got to be Pete Souza.
Jason: I feel sorry for Pete Souza.
Ana Marie: Why? Because we make fun of him? Who else knows he EXISTS?
Jason: Because to get this shot, he had to run ahead of them on the lawn, and hide in the trees. Maybe he wore adult diapers in case he needed to pee BUT COULD NOT LEAVE HIS POST? He's like the serial killer in Manhunter. There is no dignity in that.
Ana Marie: Oh, I don't think there's intended to be.

QQ5

It doesn't matter who you are, if you are framed (in an aesthetic sense!) Pete Souza will find you. And photograph you!

QQ5
Is that the White House man cave? A refrigerator filled with "Steel Reserve"?

QQ5
In the event of an earthquake, everyone please assemble quietly at Treasury, and, by all means, STAND UNDER LARGE CHANDELIERS. Especially you, Tim.

QQ5
Wow, the first draft of the House health care bill WAS really long.

QQ5
Ana Marie: People tell you there's a photograph out there of Michelle hula-hooping, and you think, no, that's not possible.
Jason: But there is.
Ana Marie: That is the age in which we live.

QQ5
"Mine. All mine."

QQ5
Jason: Wait. THAT'S how they display the previous winners of the Nobel Prize? Seriously?
Ana Marie: It sort of looks like the wall of fame at a Rotary Club.
Jason: Totally.
Ana Marie: Right down to the lack of black people.

QQ5
Ana: GEEKGASM.
Jason: That photo is like a trip inside Jonah Goldberg's brain!!
Ana: Except in that vision, Obama is on the side of the Empire. Fascist.

QQ5
CODE RED! OBAMA IS ADJACENT TO AN IMAGE OF LINCOLN.

QQ5
Pete Souza, framing a giant spider. You only get so many chances.

QQ5

One of the Salahi's earlier, less successful attempts.

QQ5
Jason: One of Politico's Mike Allen's earlier, less successful attempts.
Ana: Also a very literal interpretation of what it's like to be a Congressional Republican.

QQ5

Ana Marie: Now that is fucking HEARTWARMING. Just try to make fun of that shit.
Jason: If you say so. The American Enterprise Institute had a whole conference on Obama ceding cultural hegemony to Maeve Beliveau, daughter of Director of Advance Emmett Beliveau.

QQ5

Ana Marie: I just want to note that someone in that picture is drinking Diet Pepsi. HERETIC.
Also that someone is either Peter Orszag or Jim Jones. I'm guessing Jones. Fucking Republican.

QQ5

It's weird they decided to do the "Thriller" dance.

QQ5

Ana Marie: ROBOTS! ROBOTS IN THE WHITE HOUSE!
Jason: Calm down, Matthew Yglesias. Maybe they are just prepping for a debate, Rove-style! That's how they beat John Kerry, you know.

QQ5
Ana Marie: I think it's funny when a picture of people laughing is captioned as them "sharing a laugh." Because otherwise...?
Jason: It would read: "President Obama awkwardly pretends to get the joke"?
Ana Marie: "Biden pretends not to notice the joke is about him"?
Jason: Oh, I think he knows the joke is about him. He has all those long train trips to figure that out.

And now, this week, in "I FRAMED THIS" by Pete Souza:
QQ5
DOOR FRAME!

QQ5
OVAL WINDOW FRAME!

QQ5

OBAMA: "OH HAI, are you my new call center staff?"
DOODZ: "Not since Tim Geithner's been in charge of the economy!"

QQ5

Just want to point out that only Katie Johnson is actually working.

QQ5

I just want to point out that Pete Souza and his fellow photographers have been slaving at this Official White House Photographer beat every day. And it's sad that this is the image they'll be best known for shooting. I mean. What makes a man start fires? THIS KIND OF SHIT.

QQ5
Seriously. When this idea was conceived, I bet everyone involved thought, "Man! We'll be getting all these iconic shots of Barack Obama, pensive at the Great Wall of China, and it will be awesome. Every day: a little more awesome." And instead, this little Flickr Feed will achieve immortality because it snapped a picture of these fucking gatecrashing wannabe celebutard dipshits. And, Salahis, we live in the same town, so hopefully I'll one day get to say this to your faces. But this Christmastime, you two can just go and eat a massive bag of envenomed dicks. Really. That's from the heart.

QQ5
The Noodle making demonstration. It's why Nixon went to China in the first place.

QQ5

"Baby... delicious, delicious Japanese baby."

QQ5

"Obama wonders if the West Point superintendents' office might look better with a LINCOLN portrait... A Lincoln portrait... yeah...."

QQ5

"Jeez, Japan.... I haven't felt this awkward since I appointed Hillary."

QQ5

This looks like a deleted scene from COUPLES RETREAT.

QQ5

That's what Pete Souza looks like in the anime version of the White House.

QQ5

And, Mr. President, we thought the one you call "Pete Souza" would enjoy our nation's famous Tiny Corridor of Odd-Shaped Windows.

QQ5

Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper ratify the North American "Bros Before Hos" treaty at Singapore's most famous disco.

QQ5

Merry Christmas from your Awl White House Flickr Annotators!



Previously: Obama's Top Secret Message To Fox News

---

See more posts by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

15 comments

]]> That GuyOur President: so busy! So photographed! And here are Air America's Ana Marie Cox and the Huffington Post's Eat the Press editor Jason Linkins to trawl the documentary evidence of our White House in action.

Like much of daily life there, [the Salahi's] visit was recorded and uploaded on the White House Flickr feed, the always-on streaming window into "the people's house," a nickname that has never been more apt than under the current residents. Considering the White House's hulking, media-rich Web site, its Facebook page, photo galleries and podcasts on iTunes, the presidency seems less threatened by the incursion of a reality show than running an administration that is in danger of becoming one. -David Carr in the New York Times.

Um, hey... we think that this notion that the pictures of Pete Souza and friends create some form of transparency, for "the people" is a little mangled. These are staged shots, taken by photographers who hump around the White House grounds, hiding in trees and shooting fruit bowls. This is arty, nature photography-just focused on the White House. Reality is a made thing, and Pete Souza will frame it in a doorway, or the window of an automobile.

Also, we sort of think maybe Carr doesn't know what "streaming" means.

QQ1

The evil genius of the Obama family is that they look SO NORMAL.

QQ2

Fuck! Los Lobos? LOU DOBBS WARNED US THIS WOULD HAPPEN!

QQ3

There's your economic recovery, people! The bridge to... well, it's hard say.

QQ4

Go ahead, admit it, America: You're thinking about his cock.

QQ5

Lovemaking was much better in the days before the Stupak amendment.

QQ5

"You throw me the whip, I give you the idol!"

QQ5

Ana Marie: Stalking AND framing? This has got to be Pete Souza.
Jason: I feel sorry for Pete Souza.
Ana Marie: Why? Because we make fun of him? Who else knows he EXISTS?
Jason: Because to get this shot, he had to run ahead of them on the lawn, and hide in the trees. Maybe he wore adult diapers in case he needed to pee BUT COULD NOT LEAVE HIS POST? He's like the serial killer in Manhunter. There is no dignity in that.
Ana Marie: Oh, I don't think there's intended to be.

QQ5

It doesn't matter who you are, if you are framed (in an aesthetic sense!) Pete Souza will find you. And photograph you!

QQ5
Is that the White House man cave? A refrigerator filled with "Steel Reserve"?

QQ5
In the event of an earthquake, everyone please assemble quietly at Treasury, and, by all means, STAND UNDER LARGE CHANDELIERS. Especially you, Tim.

QQ5
Wow, the first draft of the House health care bill WAS really long.

QQ5
Ana Marie: People tell you there's a photograph out there of Michelle hula-hooping, and you think, no, that's not possible.
Jason: But there is.
Ana Marie: That is the age in which we live.

QQ5
"Mine. All mine."

QQ5
Jason: Wait. THAT'S how they display the previous winners of the Nobel Prize? Seriously?
Ana Marie: It sort of looks like the wall of fame at a Rotary Club.
Jason: Totally.
Ana Marie: Right down to the lack of black people.

QQ5
Ana: GEEKGASM.
Jason: That photo is like a trip inside Jonah Goldberg's brain!!
Ana: Except in that vision, Obama is on the side of the Empire. Fascist.

QQ5
CODE RED! OBAMA IS ADJACENT TO AN IMAGE OF LINCOLN.

QQ5
Pete Souza, framing a giant spider. You only get so many chances.

QQ5

One of the Salahi's earlier, less successful attempts.

QQ5
Jason: One of Politico's Mike Allen's earlier, less successful attempts.
Ana: Also a very literal interpretation of what it's like to be a Congressional Republican.

QQ5

Ana Marie: Now that is fucking HEARTWARMING. Just try to make fun of that shit.
Jason: If you say so. The American Enterprise Institute had a whole conference on Obama ceding cultural hegemony to Maeve Beliveau, daughter of Director of Advance Emmett Beliveau.

QQ5

Ana Marie: I just want to note that someone in that picture is drinking Diet Pepsi. HERETIC.
Also that someone is either Peter Orszag or Jim Jones. I'm guessing Jones. Fucking Republican.

QQ5

It's weird they decided to do the "Thriller" dance.

QQ5

Ana Marie: ROBOTS! ROBOTS IN THE WHITE HOUSE!
Jason: Calm down, Matthew Yglesias. Maybe they are just prepping for a debate, Rove-style! That's how they beat John Kerry, you know.

QQ5
Ana Marie: I think it's funny when a picture of people laughing is captioned as them "sharing a laugh." Because otherwise...?
Jason: It would read: "President Obama awkwardly pretends to get the joke"?
Ana Marie: "Biden pretends not to notice the joke is about him"?
Jason: Oh, I think he knows the joke is about him. He has all those long train trips to figure that out.

And now, this week, in "I FRAMED THIS" by Pete Souza:
QQ5
DOOR FRAME!

QQ5
OVAL WINDOW FRAME!

QQ5

OBAMA: "OH HAI, are you my new call center staff?"
DOODZ: "Not since Tim Geithner's been in charge of the economy!"

QQ5

Just want to point out that only Katie Johnson is actually working.

QQ5

I just want to point out that Pete Souza and his fellow photographers have been slaving at this Official White House Photographer beat every day. And it's sad that this is the image they'll be best known for shooting. I mean. What makes a man start fires? THIS KIND OF SHIT.

QQ5
Seriously. When this idea was conceived, I bet everyone involved thought, "Man! We'll be getting all these iconic shots of Barack Obama, pensive at the Great Wall of China, and it will be awesome. Every day: a little more awesome." And instead, this little Flickr Feed will achieve immortality because it snapped a picture of these fucking gatecrashing wannabe celebutard dipshits. And, Salahis, we live in the same town, so hopefully I'll one day get to say this to your faces. But this Christmastime, you two can just go and eat a massive bag of envenomed dicks. Really. That's from the heart.

QQ5
The Noodle making demonstration. It's why Nixon went to China in the first place.

QQ5

"Baby... delicious, delicious Japanese baby."

QQ5

"Obama wonders if the West Point superintendents' office might look better with a LINCOLN portrait... A Lincoln portrait... yeah...."

QQ5

"Jeez, Japan.... I haven't felt this awkward since I appointed Hillary."

QQ5

This looks like a deleted scene from COUPLES RETREAT.

QQ5

That's what Pete Souza looks like in the anime version of the White House.

QQ5

And, Mr. President, we thought the one you call "Pete Souza" would enjoy our nation's famous Tiny Corridor of Odd-Shaped Windows.

QQ5

Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper ratify the North American "Bros Before Hos" treaty at Singapore's most famous disco.

QQ5

Merry Christmas from your Awl White House Flickr Annotators!



Previously: Obama's Top Secret Message To Fox News

---

See more posts by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

15 comments

]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/12/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-a-message-to-you-salahi/feed 15 The Annotated White House Flickr Feed, with Ana Marie Cox and Jason Linkins: Barack Obama's Top-Secret Message To Fox News http://www.theawl.com/2009/11/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-barack-obamas-top-secret-message-to-fox-news http://www.theawl.com/2009/11/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-barack-obamas-top-secret-message-to-fox-news#comments Tue, 03 Nov 2009 16:48:13 +0000 Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins http://www.theawl.com/2009/11/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-barack-obamas-top-secret-message-to-fox-news Did you know that our President does lots of things each day? The White House staff photographers knew! And here are Air America's Ana Marie Cox and the Huffington Post's Eat the Press editor Jason Linkins to explain it to us common people.
DUNKSANA MARIE: Let's start with this basketball picture.

JASON: I encourage Awl readers to enlarge this image, for truly it contains multitudes.

ANA MARIE: In the first place, please note the lack of powerful women at this basketball game.

JASON: Yes. This basketball game is sexist. Party unity my ass.

ANA MARIE: Because at blacktops and basketball courts across the country, what do you see? Men and women playing pick-up basketball with each other.

JASON: A good day of roundball leads so naturally into some light fornication, at the top of the key.

ANA MARIE: Now, direct your attention all the way to the back of the picture. Next to Obama, that's poor Ken Salazar, without his cowboy hat, made to run the fast break.

JASON: I feel for him.

ANA MARIE: I think his shirt says "Dad!"

JASON: Even still, I feel for him. How can Obama credibly claim to have dismantled the Bush torture regime if he's making Ken Salazar do this?

ANA MARIE: Tim Geithner, there at midcourt.

JASON: He sort of looks useless.

ANA MARIE: And yet he looks like he could be useful! That's his curse.

JASON: Also back there is Arne Duncan, who I thought was a baller? He played in Australia though, where there's trapezoids on the court and they wear hot pants and you have to account for the Coriolis Effect when you run your backdoor cuts.

ANA MARIE: But the star of this picture is, of course, Reggie Love.

JASON: This is what a real athlete looks like. Look at his face! Calm like a bomb. That vertical leap is what scares Glenn Beck the most about the Obama administration.

ANA MARIE: If I could make a related point about Reggie Love?

JASON: Please do.

ANA MARIE: Basically? YUM.

JASON: Ha! Who is that underneath Reggie Love, looking on in terror?

ANA MARIE: That's Pennsylvania Representative and Iraq War vet Patrick Murphy, who's spearheading the Congressional effort to end the ban on gays in the military.

JASON: Well, don't ask and don't tell anyone about that time he got cold postered by Reggie Love!

ANA MARIE: Obama of course, is just hanging out in the back. Like with health care reform.

JASON: Indeed. Well, Choire, this would probably be a good time to insert your page break.

ANA MARIE: All of you using RSS readers will want to click out now!

MON DIEU

"Mon Dieu! Monsieur President, would you mind running your hand back through the dishwasher, this time on 'pots and pans,' s'il vous plait.

AIRPLANE
Pete Souza manages to find the one occasion where the White House Press Corps casts a long shadow.

FOXY BOXERS

This is where they make Fox News sit, now.

CHAIRS
ANA MARIE: If you enlarge you'll see the chairs are clearly marked, so no one confuses the black President with the guy from Denmark, named Lars.

JASON: "All you world leaders look alike."

ANA MARIE: Well, they used to! It's a fair point.

BOO
Obama sends his secret message to Fox News.

PILLARS

Our main man Pete Souza has the whole framing gimmick, as we've endeavored to explain. But fellow White House photog Chuck Kennedy is working on discovering the most potent and majestic blend of cloud-to-marble architecture ratio possible.

ASSTRONOMY!

ANA MARIE: America, let's just be honest. Obama's just not that into astronomy. Your big clue: he can't really see through the telescope when the huge floodlight is on. He's just going through the motions, to satisfy you.

JASON: I think you're just supposed to be impressed with the fact that he can snap his fingers and get people to scatter these bad-ass telescopes all over the lawn and shit.

MOODSY
Chuck Kennedy captures Deputy Director of Oval Operations Brian Mosteller doing his best imitation of an Obama cardboard cut-out. Years later the memory of this moment would form the basis of his rather intense mid-life crisis.

ROLLSIEBALL

Okay, Mr. President, why don't you man up and play some goddamned MURDERBALL!

BALLS UP
The President recognizes that he'd come off more impressive if he just played horse.

P B AND HAAAY
White House personal secretary Katie Johnson is scandalized after Robert Gibbs tells her the "peanut butter and jam" joke in front of the President.

BOOTS
We both approve of Katie Johnson's very cool, non-skankboot boot.

CROOK
Argh. Here's Pete Souza, framing Obama in the bend of somebody's elbow. When this White House Flickr shit finally comes to an end, he really has a bright future in the field of porn cinematography.

PURTY
Oh, crap. Chuck Kennedy is infringing upon both the framing and stalking-Obama-on-the-White-House-grounds trademarks of Pete Souza.

PREP
Most people who win the Nobel Prize respond by saying, "Wow, I won a million dollars! Peace out, denizens of the third world!" Ok, not really. But only Barack Obama was ever made to fret about having won.

NERVOUS?
And only Obama was required to bring in a fleet of speechwriters, computers, and whatever was delivered in that giant FedEx package to help him say, "Thanks for the trinket, Norway," in a way that wouldn't seem ungrateful or embarrassing.

FAIL
"See, this goddamned fucking draft is just not going to cut it! UGH. FUCK A NOBEL COMMITTEE, WITH DYNAMITE!"

HIDESIES
Obama returns from talking about the Nobel, wondering why he can't chew some goddamned bubblegum anymore without inciting a media firefight. "And now, I've got to figure out how to integrate Kathleen Sebelius and Hilda Solis into our five-on-five game, because I'm the only motherfucker in the country who has to think about fending off some horseshit Politico front-pager when he plays basketball."

GET IT
Every once in a while, Pete Souza likes to show that if he wanted to, he could be reading all kinds of of classified shit.

BALDSIES

"No, seriously! I could do your job! If you wanted! I COULD do it!"

"Yes, Joe. We know."

WHAT IS SO FUNNY

"You want me to bend over and do WHAT, now?"

HEY LADY
Disappointed in his inability to win President for a Day responsibilities, Joe Biden returns to an afternoon of sexually harassing Valerie Jarrett, one of the powerless, non-basketball-playing women of the White House.

KAL!
To make Kal Penn feel more at ease in Washington, Obama rounds up every Asian he can find to be his White House sidekickS. And since that dickwad Mike Allen might be hiding somewhere, writing his dumbassed blog, he has to make sure he auditions some of the powerless non-basketball-playing female Asians to be his "Beltway Harold."

SPOOKY
Pete Souza, the Diane Arbus of place setting photography.

GIANT
Here's Obama at the HRC fete. Maybe if he were that large, he could get rid of Don't Ask Don't Tell.

PILLAR TWO
The Man Who Wasn't There.

PRINCESS DI, ARE YOU IN THERE?

Pete Souza's advice to Chuck Kennedy: "Get lots of gratuitous shot of random crap through windows. You'll want to remember these days, driving in cars with presidents."

WOOF?

HAPPY DOG. Rightfully the center of attention.

UH OH
I love the caption on this: An advisor holds a file during President Barack Obama's phone call with Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva in the Oval Office." WHAT MAKES THIS ADVISOR HOLDING A FILE DIFFERENT FROM ALL THE OTHER RANDOM PEOPLE HOLDING A FILE? Oh, well, I'll tell you why, fuckchop! Obama just happened to be talking to Brazilian President Lula at the time. See: it MEANS something now. It's REAL, dude. Puts that shit into some fucking PERSPECTIVE. Can't handle it? Well get out of the darkroom! Not that Pete Souza uses a darkroom! Shit, if he had to actually develop these fucking photos, you think he'd be running around shooting file folders and bowls of fruit?

OLD FRIENDS

"Just make it out to, 'My friend George.'"

CUTE

ANA MARIE: Obama is applauding a child who just sang a song to Obama.

JASON: Is it one of those indoctrination songs I keep hearing about?

ANA MARIE: Are there any other kind?

SHORT STUFF
You must be this tall to be chief of staff!

YAY, VOTERS!
Thanks to ACORN, all of these children are registered to vote, in Chicago.

WOOF!
See, if you let Cappy Kennedy eat off the table, sooner or later, the powerless, non-basketball-playing women of the White House are going to want to as well!



Previously: We Definitely Know What You Did At Every Minute This Summer

---

See more posts by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

19 comments

]]> Did you know that our President does lots of things each day? The White House staff photographers knew! And here are Air America's Ana Marie Cox and the Huffington Post's Eat the Press editor Jason Linkins to explain it to us common people.
DUNKSANA MARIE: Let's start with this basketball picture.

JASON: I encourage Awl readers to enlarge this image, for truly it contains multitudes.

ANA MARIE: In the first place, please note the lack of powerful women at this basketball game.

JASON: Yes. This basketball game is sexist. Party unity my ass.

ANA MARIE: Because at blacktops and basketball courts across the country, what do you see? Men and women playing pick-up basketball with each other.

JASON: A good day of roundball leads so naturally into some light fornication, at the top of the key.

ANA MARIE: Now, direct your attention all the way to the back of the picture. Next to Obama, that's poor Ken Salazar, without his cowboy hat, made to run the fast break.

JASON: I feel for him.

ANA MARIE: I think his shirt says "Dad!"

JASON: Even still, I feel for him. How can Obama credibly claim to have dismantled the Bush torture regime if he's making Ken Salazar do this?

ANA MARIE: Tim Geithner, there at midcourt.

JASON: He sort of looks useless.

ANA MARIE: And yet he looks like he could be useful! That's his curse.

JASON: Also back there is Arne Duncan, who I thought was a baller? He played in Australia though, where there's trapezoids on the court and they wear hot pants and you have to account for the Coriolis Effect when you run your backdoor cuts.

ANA MARIE: But the star of this picture is, of course, Reggie Love.

JASON: This is what a real athlete looks like. Look at his face! Calm like a bomb. That vertical leap is what scares Glenn Beck the most about the Obama administration.

ANA MARIE: If I could make a related point about Reggie Love?

JASON: Please do.

ANA MARIE: Basically? YUM.

JASON: Ha! Who is that underneath Reggie Love, looking on in terror?

ANA MARIE: That's Pennsylvania Representative and Iraq War vet Patrick Murphy, who's spearheading the Congressional effort to end the ban on gays in the military.

JASON: Well, don't ask and don't tell anyone about that time he got cold postered by Reggie Love!

ANA MARIE: Obama of course, is just hanging out in the back. Like with health care reform.

JASON: Indeed. Well, Choire, this would probably be a good time to insert your page break.

ANA MARIE: All of you using RSS readers will want to click out now!

MON DIEU

"Mon Dieu! Monsieur President, would you mind running your hand back through the dishwasher, this time on 'pots and pans,' s'il vous plait.

AIRPLANE
Pete Souza manages to find the one occasion where the White House Press Corps casts a long shadow.

FOXY BOXERS

This is where they make Fox News sit, now.

CHAIRS
ANA MARIE: If you enlarge you'll see the chairs are clearly marked, so no one confuses the black President with the guy from Denmark, named Lars.

JASON: "All you world leaders look alike."

ANA MARIE: Well, they used to! It's a fair point.

BOO
Obama sends his secret message to Fox News.

PILLARS

Our main man Pete Souza has the whole framing gimmick, as we've endeavored to explain. But fellow White House photog Chuck Kennedy is working on discovering the most potent and majestic blend of cloud-to-marble architecture ratio possible.

ASSTRONOMY!

ANA MARIE: America, let's just be honest. Obama's just not that into astronomy. Your big clue: he can't really see through the telescope when the huge floodlight is on. He's just going through the motions, to satisfy you.

JASON: I think you're just supposed to be impressed with the fact that he can snap his fingers and get people to scatter these bad-ass telescopes all over the lawn and shit.

MOODSY
Chuck Kennedy captures Deputy Director of Oval Operations Brian Mosteller doing his best imitation of an Obama cardboard cut-out. Years later the memory of this moment would form the basis of his rather intense mid-life crisis.

ROLLSIEBALL

Okay, Mr. President, why don't you man up and play some goddamned MURDERBALL!

BALLS UP
The President recognizes that he'd come off more impressive if he just played horse.

P B AND HAAAY
White House personal secretary Katie Johnson is scandalized after Robert Gibbs tells her the "peanut butter and jam" joke in front of the President.

BOOTS
We both approve of Katie Johnson's very cool, non-skankboot boot.

CROOK
Argh. Here's Pete Souza, framing Obama in the bend of somebody's elbow. When this White House Flickr shit finally comes to an end, he really has a bright future in the field of porn cinematography.

PURTY
Oh, crap. Chuck Kennedy is infringing upon both the framing and stalking-Obama-on-the-White-House-grounds trademarks of Pete Souza.

PREP
Most people who win the Nobel Prize respond by saying, "Wow, I won a million dollars! Peace out, denizens of the third world!" Ok, not really. But only Barack Obama was ever made to fret about having won.

NERVOUS?
And only Obama was required to bring in a fleet of speechwriters, computers, and whatever was delivered in that giant FedEx package to help him say, "Thanks for the trinket, Norway," in a way that wouldn't seem ungrateful or embarrassing.

FAIL
"See, this goddamned fucking draft is just not going to cut it! UGH. FUCK A NOBEL COMMITTEE, WITH DYNAMITE!"

HIDESIES
Obama returns from talking about the Nobel, wondering why he can't chew some goddamned bubblegum anymore without inciting a media firefight. "And now, I've got to figure out how to integrate Kathleen Sebelius and Hilda Solis into our five-on-five game, because I'm the only motherfucker in the country who has to think about fending off some horseshit Politico front-pager when he plays basketball."

GET IT
Every once in a while, Pete Souza likes to show that if he wanted to, he could be reading all kinds of of classified shit.

BALDSIES

"No, seriously! I could do your job! If you wanted! I COULD do it!"

"Yes, Joe. We know."

WHAT IS SO FUNNY

"You want me to bend over and do WHAT, now?"

HEY LADY
Disappointed in his inability to win President for a Day responsibilities, Joe Biden returns to an afternoon of sexually harassing Valerie Jarrett, one of the powerless, non-basketball-playing women of the White House.

KAL!
To make Kal Penn feel more at ease in Washington, Obama rounds up every Asian he can find to be his White House sidekickS. And since that dickwad Mike Allen might be hiding somewhere, writing his dumbassed blog, he has to make sure he auditions some of the powerless non-basketball-playing female Asians to be his "Beltway Harold."

SPOOKY
Pete Souza, the Diane Arbus of place setting photography.

GIANT
Here's Obama at the HRC fete. Maybe if he were that large, he could get rid of Don't Ask Don't Tell.

PILLAR TWO
The Man Who Wasn't There.

PRINCESS DI, ARE YOU IN THERE?

Pete Souza's advice to Chuck Kennedy: "Get lots of gratuitous shot of random crap through windows. You'll want to remember these days, driving in cars with presidents."

WOOF?

HAPPY DOG. Rightfully the center of attention.

UH OH
I love the caption on this: An advisor holds a file during President Barack Obama's phone call with Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva in the Oval Office." WHAT MAKES THIS ADVISOR HOLDING A FILE DIFFERENT FROM ALL THE OTHER RANDOM PEOPLE HOLDING A FILE? Oh, well, I'll tell you why, fuckchop! Obama just happened to be talking to Brazilian President Lula at the time. See: it MEANS something now. It's REAL, dude. Puts that shit into some fucking PERSPECTIVE. Can't handle it? Well get out of the darkroom! Not that Pete Souza uses a darkroom! Shit, if he had to actually develop these fucking photos, you think he'd be running around shooting file folders and bowls of fruit?

OLD FRIENDS

"Just make it out to, 'My friend George.'"

CUTE

ANA MARIE: Obama is applauding a child who just sang a song to Obama.

JASON: Is it one of those indoctrination songs I keep hearing about?

ANA MARIE: Are there any other kind?

SHORT STUFF
You must be this tall to be chief of staff!

YAY, VOTERS!
Thanks to ACORN, all of these children are registered to vote, in Chicago.

WOOF!
See, if you let Cappy Kennedy eat off the table, sooner or later, the powerless, non-basketball-playing women of the White House are going to want to as well!



Previously: We Definitely Know What You Did At Every Minute This Summer

---

See more posts by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

19 comments

]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/11/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-barack-obamas-top-secret-message-to-fox-news/feed 19 The Annotated White House Flickr Feed, With Ana Marie Cox and Jason Linkins: We Definitely Know What You Did At Every Minute This Summer http://www.theawl.com/2009/09/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-we-definitely-know-what-you-did-at-every-minute-this-summer http://www.theawl.com/2009/09/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-we-definitely-know-what-you-did-at-every-minute-this-summer#comments Thu, 17 Sep 2009 12:20:33 +0000 Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins http://www.theawl.com/2009/09/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-we-definitely-know-what-you-did-at-every-minute-this-summer White House staff photographer and personal paparazzi Pete Souza: he has been around the world in a day with his concealed weapon town hall camera permit, shooting Barack Obama. What did they do this summer? They went to the Grand Canyon, which is in Mexico. And so many more places! And here we have Rachel Maddow's hot lady-friend (JUST FRIENDS PEOPLE!) Ana Marie Cox (Daily Beast and Playboy contributor) and Jason Linkins (editor of the Huffington Post's Eat the Press) to travel along!

1
Obama celebrates with his Fishing Czar over the fact that he "almost hooked a trout." Years, later, historians would reflect on how this eventually became a theme for his presidency.

2
If only there was a bust of Lincoln, to add some majesty.

3
Jesus. He's just cold visitin' every goddamn landmark in the country, like he's crossing them off his bucket list, or something. (Also: Fog, historians, "theme for his presidency.")

4

Jason: Yeah, go on and deny Pete Souza doorways. Steal away his windowpanes. Take from him screens and mirrors, the geometry of hallways, slats in blinds and chance peeks through portholes. It doesn't matter! HE WILL FIND A WAY TO FRAME OBAMA.

5
JASON: Come on. Aren't these types of shots doing more harm than good, now?
ANA: Pete Souza's just taking note that the halo light has dimmed. (cf. Historians, "theme for his Presidency")

SLEEEEEP
LOOK. Nobody ever said that socialist indoctrination was going to be exciting.

HOOP IT UP
Now Pete Souza is just letting random people pose in front of Obama's hooptie.

SWEATY SERVICE
Jason: Just when you think a subject cannot be too prosaic for Pete Souza, we get this.
Ana: This photo explores what it is like to watch somebody watch Obama play golf.

GAS OR GRASS

Pete Souza is now just underneath the bleachers at Town Hall events, photographing asses.

I SEE YOU

Obama was never good at hide and seek.

HOW NOW?
ANA MARIE: In the Obama White House, the Indians always beat the Cowboys.

JASON: It's like there's that one room in the White House where a David Lynch movie is constantly happening.

---

See more posts by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

12 comments

]]> White House staff photographer and personal paparazzi Pete Souza: he has been around the world in a day with his concealed weapon town hall camera permit, shooting Barack Obama. What did they do this summer? They went to the Grand Canyon, which is in Mexico. And so many more places! And here we have Rachel Maddow's hot lady-friend (JUST FRIENDS PEOPLE!) Ana Marie Cox (Daily Beast and Playboy contributor) and Jason Linkins (editor of the Huffington Post's Eat the Press) to travel along!

1
Obama celebrates with his Fishing Czar over the fact that he "almost hooked a trout." Years, later, historians would reflect on how this eventually became a theme for his presidency.

2
If only there was a bust of Lincoln, to add some majesty.

3
Jesus. He's just cold visitin' every goddamn landmark in the country, like he's crossing them off his bucket list, or something. (Also: Fog, historians, "theme for his presidency.")

4

Jason: Yeah, go on and deny Pete Souza doorways. Steal away his windowpanes. Take from him screens and mirrors, the geometry of hallways, slats in blinds and chance peeks through portholes. It doesn't matter! HE WILL FIND A WAY TO FRAME OBAMA.

5
JASON: Come on. Aren't these types of shots doing more harm than good, now?
ANA: Pete Souza's just taking note that the halo light has dimmed. (cf. Historians, "theme for his Presidency")

SLEEEEEP
LOOK. Nobody ever said that socialist indoctrination was going to be exciting.

HOOP IT UP
Now Pete Souza is just letting random people pose in front of Obama's hooptie.

SWEATY SERVICE
Jason: Just when you think a subject cannot be too prosaic for Pete Souza, we get this.
Ana: This photo explores what it is like to watch somebody watch Obama play golf.

GAS OR GRASS

Pete Souza is now just underneath the bleachers at Town Hall events, photographing asses.

I SEE YOU

Obama was never good at hide and seek.

HOW NOW?
ANA MARIE: In the Obama White House, the Indians always beat the Cowboys.

JASON: It's like there's that one room in the White House where a David Lynch movie is constantly happening.

---

See more posts by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

12 comments

]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/09/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-we-definitely-know-what-you-did-at-every-minute-this-summer/feed 12 The Annotated White House Flickr Feed, with Ana Marie Cox and Jason Linkins: A Trip Around the World Visiting Tiny, Evil, Horny and/or Kenyan Men http://www.theawl.com/2009/07/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-a-trip-around-the-world-visiting-tiny-evil-horny-andor-kenyan-men http://www.theawl.com/2009/07/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-a-trip-around-the-world-visiting-tiny-evil-horny-andor-kenyan-men#comments Fri, 31 Jul 2009 14:00:56 +0000 Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins http://www.theawl.com/2009/07/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-a-trip-around-the-world-visiting-tiny-evil-horny-andor-kenyan-men Did you know that the White House staff photographer shoots Barack Obama every 1.4 seconds? That is a fact. Particularly when our "President" is traveling around the world, representing the interests of Kenya and the health care lobby. And here we have Ana Marie Cox (Daily Beast and Playboy contributor) and Jason Linkins (editor of the Huffington Post's Eat the Press) to make sense of all this abundant photograph evidence for us!

Obama!
JASON: That is a short man.
ANA: Dmitry Medvedev is Dudley Moore! Oh, little man! I loved you in Bedazzled!
JASON: In Soviet Russia, moon and New York City gets caught between you!

Obama!

In Moscow, two plates of warm spit were prepared so that Obama would not miss Joe Biden so much.

Obama!
And so, the Council of Elrond was enjoined.

Obama!

As it turns out, the Russian version of MEET THE PRESS is WAAAY more intimidating.

Obama!

ANA: Oh, WH photog Pete Souza, with your funky ass perspective shot.
JASON: This looks like that X-Files episode on that boat. I keep expecting Gillian Anderson to run through the frame.
ANA: Robert Gibbs wishes Gillian Anderson would run through the frame!

Obama!

ANA: Look! Dudley Moore is there! Obama got stuck with the Medvedev-sized glass.
JASON: In Russia, I wonder if you order coffee in Venti, Grande, and Medvedev sized.

Obama!

ANA: AWWW.
JASON: Look at the cute office Medvedev has! For the pocket-sized puppet leader.
ANA: He's got a torchier lamp! And a neato booster seat!

Obama!

JASON: Damn! Look at that! Why is Russian shit so much shinier than our shit?
ANA: Ehh, I think they get most of their furniture from Pottery Barn.

Obama!

Medvedev tells Obama about the Tri-Wizard Tournament and all the spells he learned at Durmstrang.

Obama!

JASON: "My mind had been enabled, in a memory you overflowed..."
ANA: Robert Gibbs is definitely the "Turtle" of this entourage.

Obama!

ANA: Check out Mr. Foster Grants on the side.
JASON: It looks like Will Leitch! What is Will doing in Russia?
ANA: Starring in a 1970's Cold War porn, apparently!

Obama!

JASON: Foreign military people: Why do they walk so jaunty?
ANA: Hey, in Russia, at least you don't have to "ask."

Obama!

JASON: Jesus. Is that the Swiss Guard?
ANA: That is the Swiss Guard. They also have their own line of Happy Meals.
JASON: Find a plenary indulgence inside each one!

Obama!

This looks like the start of bad Tony Kushner play, entitled: "HOLY SHIT, NAZI POPE! FLEE FLEE AWAY!"

Obama!

Wow. We didn't know Skip Gates was so athletic.

Obama!

No, no! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Obama!

Health care lobbyists. [Not Pictured]

Obama!

He totally throws like a Kenyan.

Obama!

The Church of Latter Day Saints' Thomas Munson explains how the retroactive baptism thing sort of like a time-share dealie.

Obama!

When in Rome, do as the Romans do: that is, meet a trio of half-assed historical re-enactors on the tarmac.

Obama!

More bars, more places.

Obama!

So THAT'S what happened to Tito the Builder!

Obama!

Frames within crosses within frames with ghostly angel remnants floating in the distance, by Pete Souza.

Obama!

JASON: We haven't talked a lot about Pete Souza's obsession with place settings.
ANA: These all look normal sized. I love how he has to be reminded that he went to the G8 to discuss "International Issues."

Obama!

JASON: This looks like a Hieronymous Bosch painting.

ANA: Typical. Silvio Berlusconi is discussing how massive his cock is.

Obama!

JASON: Is this a picture of Robert Gibbs, fresh out of the dunk tank?
ANA: No, this is in Italy. Though maybe they made Gibbs in the dunk tank there, too.

Obama!

Obama finally appears in his own Verizon commercial.

Obama!

Health care lobbyists wave to the President.

Obama!

Barack Obama visits the Kenyan "President Mill" that the birthers are trying to warn us about.

Obama!

Obama visits Ghana's Cape Coast Castle, constructed entirely from chips from the shoulders of angry blacks.

Obama!

Wow. Can't make fun of that guy.

Obama!

Yeah, but fuck these people.



Previously:
Someone's in the Kitchen with Mike Allen

The Case of the Crazy Runaway Apple

---

See more posts by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

11 comments

]]> Did you know that the White House staff photographer shoots Barack Obama every 1.4 seconds? That is a fact. Particularly when our "President" is traveling around the world, representing the interests of Kenya and the health care lobby. And here we have Ana Marie Cox (Daily Beast and Playboy contributor) and Jason Linkins (editor of the Huffington Post's Eat the Press) to make sense of all this abundant photograph evidence for us!

Obama!
JASON: That is a short man.
ANA: Dmitry Medvedev is Dudley Moore! Oh, little man! I loved you in Bedazzled!
JASON: In Soviet Russia, moon and New York City gets caught between you!

Obama!

In Moscow, two plates of warm spit were prepared so that Obama would not miss Joe Biden so much.

Obama!
And so, the Council of Elrond was enjoined.

Obama!

As it turns out, the Russian version of MEET THE PRESS is WAAAY more intimidating.

Obama!

ANA: Oh, WH photog Pete Souza, with your funky ass perspective shot.
JASON: This looks like that X-Files episode on that boat. I keep expecting Gillian Anderson to run through the frame.
ANA: Robert Gibbs wishes Gillian Anderson would run through the frame!

Obama!

ANA: Look! Dudley Moore is there! Obama got stuck with the Medvedev-sized glass.
JASON: In Russia, I wonder if you order coffee in Venti, Grande, and Medvedev sized.

Obama!

ANA: AWWW.
JASON: Look at the cute office Medvedev has! For the pocket-sized puppet leader.
ANA: He's got a torchier lamp! And a neato booster seat!

Obama!

JASON: Damn! Look at that! Why is Russian shit so much shinier than our shit?
ANA: Ehh, I think they get most of their furniture from Pottery Barn.

Obama!

Medvedev tells Obama about the Tri-Wizard Tournament and all the spells he learned at Durmstrang.

Obama!

JASON: "My mind had been enabled, in a memory you overflowed..."
ANA: Robert Gibbs is definitely the "Turtle" of this entourage.

Obama!

ANA: Check out Mr. Foster Grants on the side.
JASON: It looks like Will Leitch! What is Will doing in Russia?
ANA: Starring in a 1970's Cold War porn, apparently!

Obama!

JASON: Foreign military people: Why do they walk so jaunty?
ANA: Hey, in Russia, at least you don't have to "ask."

Obama!

JASON: Jesus. Is that the Swiss Guard?
ANA: That is the Swiss Guard. They also have their own line of Happy Meals.
JASON: Find a plenary indulgence inside each one!

Obama!

This looks like the start of bad Tony Kushner play, entitled: "HOLY SHIT, NAZI POPE! FLEE FLEE AWAY!"

Obama!

Wow. We didn't know Skip Gates was so athletic.

Obama!

No, no! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Obama!

Health care lobbyists. [Not Pictured]

Obama!

He totally throws like a Kenyan.

Obama!

The Church of Latter Day Saints' Thomas Munson explains how the retroactive baptism thing sort of like a time-share dealie.

Obama!

When in Rome, do as the Romans do: that is, meet a trio of half-assed historical re-enactors on the tarmac.

Obama!

More bars, more places.

Obama!

So THAT'S what happened to Tito the Builder!

Obama!

Frames within crosses within frames with ghostly angel remnants floating in the distance, by Pete Souza.

Obama!

JASON: We haven't talked a lot about Pete Souza's obsession with place settings.
ANA: These all look normal sized. I love how he has to be reminded that he went to the G8 to discuss "International Issues."

Obama!

JASON: This looks like a Hieronymous Bosch painting.

ANA: Typical. Silvio Berlusconi is discussing how massive his cock is.

Obama!

JASON: Is this a picture of Robert Gibbs, fresh out of the dunk tank?
ANA: No, this is in Italy. Though maybe they made Gibbs in the dunk tank there, too.

Obama!

Obama finally appears in his own Verizon commercial.

Obama!

Health care lobbyists wave to the President.

Obama!

Barack Obama visits the Kenyan "President Mill" that the birthers are trying to warn us about.

Obama!

Obama visits Ghana's Cape Coast Castle, constructed entirely from chips from the shoulders of angry blacks.

Obama!

Wow. Can't make fun of that guy.

Obama!

Yeah, but fuck these people.



Previously:
Someone's in the Kitchen with Mike Allen

The Case of the Crazy Runaway Apple

---

See more posts by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

11 comments

]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/07/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-a-trip-around-the-world-visiting-tiny-evil-horny-andor-kenyan-men/feed 11 The Annotated White House Flickr Feed, With Ana Marie Cox and Jason Linkins: Someone's In The Kitchen With Mike Allen http://www.theawl.com/2009/07/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-someones-in-the-kitchen-with-mike-allen http://www.theawl.com/2009/07/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-someones-in-the-kitchen-with-mike-allen#comments Wed, 15 Jul 2009 17:30:41 +0000 Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins http://www.theawl.com/2009/07/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-someones-in-the-kitchen-with-mike-allen Our White House: really, we should call it the Transparent House, it is so wide-open. Thanks to White House photographer Pete Souza and his friends, every day we see all. Or at least we think we do! And here we have Ana Marie Cox (Daily Beast and Playboy contributor) and Jason Linkins (editor of the Huffington Post's Eat the Press) to interpret the visuals for us.

obama1"No, no, no, See, here's the thing. Palin passes the ball."

"Why yes, I am very interested in your new long distance plan?"

ANA: "I feel like we should be able to get something funny out of Gorbachev."

JASON: "You mean like SQUEEZE him?"

ANA: "Sort of like what Obama's doing right now."

This is volleyball Mike Allen tried to hide behind, at the Fourth of July party.

obama5Despite the promises of the stimulus package, this child is actually 30% smaller than it was four months ago. Still delicious, though.

A cardboard cutout of Barack Obama looks on, with Mike Allen, as fireworks explode in the sky.

TRACY JORDAN COMES TO THE WHITEHOUSE. "No, no, don't help me, Rahm Emanuel, I have too much pride!"

I don't know if the stimulus will end up being big enough, but that's undeniably a big package. (After this shot, White House photographer Samantha Appleton was never heard from again.)

obama9JASON: JESUS. This is like Pete Souza YAHTZEE. Frames, Obama pondering, and Lincoln.

ANA: Obama must wander around wondering, "How long do I have to stand by this picture of Lincoln before Pete Souza takes my picture?"

obama10Steven Chu is being punished by being forced to stand by the Lincoln bust. "You stand there, thinking about what you've done, until Pete Souza comes over and records this moment."

Mike Allen [not pictured].

JASON: Is that the Fourth of July picnic?

ANA: No.

JASON: So we can't make a Mike Allen joke.

ANA: Oh, no. We can still make a Mike Allen joke!

White House personal secretary Katie Johnson finds her chance to set a new high-score in Wurdle foiled once again. (THOUGHT BALLOON: You know, you have your own office!)

Ready for that trip up shit creek!

BIDENEYIn order to take his mind off getting dressed down for the millionth time, Joe Biden focuses on the wine, the delicious, numbing wine.

obama15JASON: There's that fucking football, again.

ANA: That must be where he keeps his smokes.

JASON: Or Mike Allen.

"Jesus. Can't a girl just play a game of Wurdle in peace? Stop throwing Mike Allen around!"

At first Angela Merkle was put off by the new White House tradition of Spin the Bottle nights. But that passed when she saw who the bottle landed on.

obama18Don't you know, little boy, tossing softballs at Robert Gibbs is Ed Henry's job!

obama19Reese Witherspoon is about to make someone the Bachelor!

Jason: FRAMES WITHIN FRAMES WITHIN FRAMES!

Ana: Never let it be said that Pete Souza wasn't paying attention in junior high photography class.

Jason: No, never. I will CUT a motherfucker who says that.

Obama uses immigration reform meetings for his catnaps. Hey, don't get mad! It's not like they were ever going to solve that problem!

obama22"Here's the thing Charlie, Brian Williams did this swirly thing..."

Actual caption: "President Barack Obama's jacket rests on a couch in the Oval Office while he makes a phone call, June 24, 2009."

ANA: That's a little worshipful, even for Pete Souza.

JASON: Gah, this week, Souza's new trick has been exploring the wisdom of Obama on the phone.

ANA: Maybe we're having an effect!

You can't Vulcan mind-meld yourself! LOSS OF NERD POINTS.

Hi, Awl readers. My name is Jason Linkins. I'd like to take this moment to remind each of you that Food Network personality Bobby Flay is complete horseshit. Isn't this the sort of thing the Secret Service is supposed to stop, by force? Literally rain down wave after wave bullets on this man, to protect our president? Anyway, fuck this guy, and his crapulent Southwestern style jizzvapor cuisine. To hate like me is to be happy forever. That is all.

"No, no, no, See, here's the thing. Palin passes the ball. (Thank you, John.)"



Previously: The Case of the Crazy Runaway Apple

---

See more posts by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

5 comments

]]> Our White House: really, we should call it the Transparent House, it is so wide-open. Thanks to White House photographer Pete Souza and his friends, every day we see all. Or at least we think we do! And here we have Ana Marie Cox (Daily Beast and Playboy contributor) and Jason Linkins (editor of the Huffington Post's Eat the Press) to interpret the visuals for us.

obama1"No, no, no, See, here's the thing. Palin passes the ball."

"Why yes, I am very interested in your new long distance plan?"

ANA: "I feel like we should be able to get something funny out of Gorbachev."

JASON: "You mean like SQUEEZE him?"

ANA: "Sort of like what Obama's doing right now."

This is volleyball Mike Allen tried to hide behind, at the Fourth of July party.

obama5Despite the promises of the stimulus package, this child is actually 30% smaller than it was four months ago. Still delicious, though.

A cardboard cutout of Barack Obama looks on, with Mike Allen, as fireworks explode in the sky.

TRACY JORDAN COMES TO THE WHITEHOUSE. "No, no, don't help me, Rahm Emanuel, I have too much pride!"

I don't know if the stimulus will end up being big enough, but that's undeniably a big package. (After this shot, White House photographer Samantha Appleton was never heard from again.)

obama9JASON: JESUS. This is like Pete Souza YAHTZEE. Frames, Obama pondering, and Lincoln.

ANA: Obama must wander around wondering, "How long do I have to stand by this picture of Lincoln before Pete Souza takes my picture?"

obama10Steven Chu is being punished by being forced to stand by the Lincoln bust. "You stand there, thinking about what you've done, until Pete Souza comes over and records this moment."

Mike Allen [not pictured].

JASON: Is that the Fourth of July picnic?

ANA: No.

JASON: So we can't make a Mike Allen joke.

ANA: Oh, no. We can still make a Mike Allen joke!

White House personal secretary Katie Johnson finds her chance to set a new high-score in Wurdle foiled once again. (THOUGHT BALLOON: You know, you have your own office!)

Ready for that trip up shit creek!

BIDENEYIn order to take his mind off getting dressed down for the millionth time, Joe Biden focuses on the wine, the delicious, numbing wine.

obama15JASON: There's that fucking football, again.

ANA: That must be where he keeps his smokes.

JASON: Or Mike Allen.

"Jesus. Can't a girl just play a game of Wurdle in peace? Stop throwing Mike Allen around!"

At first Angela Merkle was put off by the new White House tradition of Spin the Bottle nights. But that passed when she saw who the bottle landed on.

obama18Don't you know, little boy, tossing softballs at Robert Gibbs is Ed Henry's job!

obama19Reese Witherspoon is about to make someone the Bachelor!

Jason: FRAMES WITHIN FRAMES WITHIN FRAMES!

Ana: Never let it be said that Pete Souza wasn't paying attention in junior high photography class.

Jason: No, never. I will CUT a motherfucker who says that.

Obama uses immigration reform meetings for his catnaps. Hey, don't get mad! It's not like they were ever going to solve that problem!

obama22"Here's the thing Charlie, Brian Williams did this swirly thing..."

Actual caption: "President Barack Obama's jacket rests on a couch in the Oval Office while he makes a phone call, June 24, 2009."

ANA: That's a little worshipful, even for Pete Souza.

JASON: Gah, this week, Souza's new trick has been exploring the wisdom of Obama on the phone.

ANA: Maybe we're having an effect!

You can't Vulcan mind-meld yourself! LOSS OF NERD POINTS.

Hi, Awl readers. My name is Jason Linkins. I'd like to take this moment to remind each of you that Food Network personality Bobby Flay is complete horseshit. Isn't this the sort of thing the Secret Service is supposed to stop, by force? Literally rain down wave after wave bullets on this man, to protect our president? Anyway, fuck this guy, and his crapulent Southwestern style jizzvapor cuisine. To hate like me is to be happy forever. That is all.

"No, no, no, See, here's the thing. Palin passes the ball. (Thank you, John.)"



Previously: The Case of the Crazy Runaway Apple

---

See more posts by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

5 comments

]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/07/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-someones-in-the-kitchen-with-mike-allen/feed 5 The Annotated White House Flickr Feed, With Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins: The Case Of The Crazy Runaway Apple http://www.theawl.com/2009/07/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-the-case-of-the-crazy-runaway-apple http://www.theawl.com/2009/07/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-the-case-of-the-crazy-runaway-apple#comments Thu, 02 Jul 2009 13:00:06 +0000 Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins http://www.theawl.com/2009/07/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-the-case-of-the-crazy-runaway-apple What kind of crazy world do we live in when we can see into the White House each day through The Official White House Photostream? Well a really crazy one. And here we have Ana Marie Cox (Daily Beast and Playboy contributor and Air America hostessess) and Jason Linkins (of the Huffington Post) to annotate it for us.

BO
ANA: I think that the Obamas have allowed Bo's lethal level of adorability to blind them to the truth.
JASON: They are outright lying about their dog!
ANA: Who told them Portuguese Water Dogs can't swim? Or that they like tomatoes? Where is Fox News on this?
JASON: Why hasn't Bill O'Reilly ambushed all the Portuguese Water Dogs? Why don't I own a Portuguese Bourbon Fetcher Dog?
ANA: Clearly, this administration does not keep its promises


JASON: How did the POLITICO fail to WIN THE AFTERNOON with the exciting news of the Estonian President's visit?
ANA: Where are they meeting? The Capitol Hill Hilton?


The first taste is always free!


ANA: How can the Obamas authentically relax with each other if White House photog Pete Souza is following them around?
JASON: It makes me wonder what shots Souza leaves in the darkroom.
ANA: That would imply that they are able to get really relaxed.

A POLITE RAHM!!
Opposite day, obviously.

BOXED IN
We TOLD YOU about this Pete Souza and his desperate need to find "frames" to put Obama in. But that's how we roll: Speaking truth the White House commemorative photographers. And, by the way, SQUISHING YOUR HEAD, SQUISHING YOUR HEAD!

HELLO
Some of you might want to know-for "research" purposes, of course-that the man in the foreground is Peter Orszag.

OH HEY FELLA
Every once in a while, President Obama just straight up forgets who the fuck Robert Gibbs is.

SUP
JASON: God, even Barack's gang tags are sort of lame!
ANA: It's like he got that off a Snapple lid.

A WEEKLY REMINDER
Joe Biden, as always, reminding Hillary that his job is easier than hers and he gets paid more.


Not to harp on this, but again, MYSTERY FOOTBALL: Why haven't we heard about this? Is it possible that there can be an aspect of this man's life that we neither know nothing about, or at the very least, have had some shit made up about?

We can guarantee you that somewhere on this map is Obama's birthplace. (Note: Not a guarantee.)

SNAPPER
The football mystery deepens! BECAUSE IT IS MOVING.

MAYBE IF STENY HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL....
ANA: Do you think he was just pelting Steny Hoyer, with the football, for health care?
JASON: I know I would!


We had been trying very hard to avoid comment on the fruit bowls. Because JESUS THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. But Pete Souza won't let this go.

ANA: It's hard to believe how much power Rahm has.
JASON: And you are just referring to his pants, right?
ANA: Correct.

UPRIGHT?
What secret message is he sending to the Jews now? That's he's erect? That word has several meanings!


Tim Geithner, contemplating his return to Rivendell.


Because he was especially good, Obama allows Joe Biden to touch him. JUST FOR A SECOND, THOUGH, HANDSY!


ANA: I always felt a little dirty saying there was a honey pot at the White House.
JASON: Are those killer bees Africanized or Muslimized.


Obama gets ready to pull out his Blackberry, by which we of course mean his penis.


OMGZ! OBAMA IS BEING THOUGHTFUL AS HARD AS HE CAN.


The official position from the White House is that this picture is in no way metaphorical.


But the "Obama and halo" shot probably is.


Legislative Affairs Director Phil Schiliro demonstrates another tactic the White House could use to convince Congress to pass health care reform.


Don't tell anyone, but that folder contains information on the super-secret mission that Obama gave the Uighurs.


There no artifice at all to the way Obama is always strategically chilling out by busts of Lincoln. None at all.


JASON: There it is! The teleprompter! The secret weapon no one in the GOP could have predicted!
ANA: I didn't know it was possible to take its picture!


Fortunately, the Secret Service intervened before Brian Williams could suck Bo's cock, too.


What, they can't already hear Joe Biden?

picture-36
Everyone was really sad when the NBC News crew left. Who would suck their cocks now?


Can't make fun of Nancy Reagan, people. She's a sweetheart, and she's still sharp enough to know when she's being jacked around by Mitt Romney.


Obama waits for central casting to send the lamb and the manger.


OH NO! An apple has escaped from its bowl!


"Hey, is that ANOTHER bust of Lincoln? How'd that get here?"

---

See more posts by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

12 comments

]]> What kind of crazy world do we live in when we can see into the White House each day through The Official White House Photostream? Well a really crazy one. And here we have Ana Marie Cox (Daily Beast and Playboy contributor and Air America hostessess) and Jason Linkins (of the Huffington Post) to annotate it for us.

BO
ANA: I think that the Obamas have allowed Bo's lethal level of adorability to blind them to the truth.
JASON: They are outright lying about their dog!
ANA: Who told them Portuguese Water Dogs can't swim? Or that they like tomatoes? Where is Fox News on this?
JASON: Why hasn't Bill O'Reilly ambushed all the Portuguese Water Dogs? Why don't I own a Portuguese Bourbon Fetcher Dog?
ANA: Clearly, this administration does not keep its promises


JASON: How did the POLITICO fail to WIN THE AFTERNOON with the exciting news of the Estonian President's visit?
ANA: Where are they meeting? The Capitol Hill Hilton?


The first taste is always free!


ANA: How can the Obamas authentically relax with each other if White House photog Pete Souza is following them around?
JASON: It makes me wonder what shots Souza leaves in the darkroom.
ANA: That would imply that they are able to get really relaxed.

A POLITE RAHM!!
Opposite day, obviously.

BOXED IN
We TOLD YOU about this Pete Souza and his desperate need to find "frames" to put Obama in. But that's how we roll: Speaking truth the White House commemorative photographers. And, by the way, SQUISHING YOUR HEAD, SQUISHING YOUR HEAD!

HELLO
Some of you might want to know-for "research" purposes, of course-that the man in the foreground is Peter Orszag.

OH HEY FELLA
Every once in a while, President Obama just straight up forgets who the fuck Robert Gibbs is.

SUP
JASON: God, even Barack's gang tags are sort of lame!
ANA: It's like he got that off a Snapple lid.

A WEEKLY REMINDER
Joe Biden, as always, reminding Hillary that his job is easier than hers and he gets paid more.


Not to harp on this, but again, MYSTERY FOOTBALL: Why haven't we heard about this? Is it possible that there can be an aspect of this man's life that we neither know nothing about, or at the very least, have had some shit made up about?

We can guarantee you that somewhere on this map is Obama's birthplace. (Note: Not a guarantee.)

SNAPPER
The football mystery deepens! BECAUSE IT IS MOVING.

MAYBE IF STENY HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL....
ANA: Do you think he was just pelting Steny Hoyer, with the football, for health care?
JASON: I know I would!


We had been trying very hard to avoid comment on the fruit bowls. Because JESUS THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. But Pete Souza won't let this go.

ANA: It's hard to believe how much power Rahm has.
JASON: And you are just referring to his pants, right?
ANA: Correct.

UPRIGHT?
What secret message is he sending to the Jews now? That's he's erect? That word has several meanings!


Tim Geithner, contemplating his return to Rivendell.


Because he was especially good, Obama allows Joe Biden to touch him. JUST FOR A SECOND, THOUGH, HANDSY!


ANA: I always felt a little dirty saying there was a honey pot at the White House.
JASON: Are those killer bees Africanized or Muslimized.


Obama gets ready to pull out his Blackberry, by which we of course mean his penis.


OMGZ! OBAMA IS BEING THOUGHTFUL AS HARD AS HE CAN.


The official position from the White House is that this picture is in no way metaphorical.


But the "Obama and halo" shot probably is.


Legislative Affairs Director Phil Schiliro demonstrates another tactic the White House could use to convince Congress to pass health care reform.


Don't tell anyone, but that folder contains information on the super-secret mission that Obama gave the Uighurs.


There no artifice at all to the way Obama is always strategically chilling out by busts of Lincoln. None at all.


JASON: There it is! The teleprompter! The secret weapon no one in the GOP could have predicted!
ANA: I didn't know it was possible to take its picture!


Fortunately, the Secret Service intervened before Brian Williams could suck Bo's cock, too.


What, they can't already hear Joe Biden?

picture-36
Everyone was really sad when the NBC News crew left. Who would suck their cocks now?


Can't make fun of Nancy Reagan, people. She's a sweetheart, and she's still sharp enough to know when she's being jacked around by Mitt Romney.


Obama waits for central casting to send the lamb and the manger.


OH NO! An apple has escaped from its bowl!


"Hey, is that ANOTHER bust of Lincoln? How'd that get here?"

---

See more posts by Ana Marie Cox And Jason Linkins

12 comments

]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/07/the-annotated-white-house-flickr-feed-with-ana-marie-cox-and-jason-linkins-the-case-of-the-crazy-runaway-apple/feed 12