The Awl

Were Any Famous Literary Figures NOT Poisoned?

Dave Bry — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 09:20:12 +0000

Did Jane Austen die of arsenic poisoning? Was Pablo Neruda given a lethal injection by agents of general Augusto Pinochet? Who put that funny looking shirt on Ronnie Devoe?

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It is a truth universally acknowledged...

Elon Green — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 13:40:47 +0000

That a Muslim man, regardless of his fortune, must be in want of a nine-year-old virgin wife.¹
That a single man in possession of a good fortune must be queer.²
That a Fallen Woman of good family must, soon or late, descend to whoredom.³
That a single girl in search of mysteries must occasionally be in want of a big damn knife.⁴

That strippers should not want to show preference for any individual customer—
that all things being equal, all men behaving equally crudely,
and all billfolds being equally sized,
they should want to thrust their mounds underneath the noses of as many patrons as possible to maximize their payout.⁵

That Everything Is Funnier With Monkeys.⁶
That Ph.D. students make tiresome companions.⁷
That eventually everything turns up on the Internet.⁸

That large overseas military commitments
cannot be sustained without even larger economic resources.⁹
That the growing international mobility of goods, capital and technology
has completely changed the economic game.¹⁰

That anyone can be killed.¹¹

That most reunions at Christmas end happily, while most reunions at Thanksgiving end sadly.¹²
That you cannot make a road movie in England.¹³
That in order to sell books, someone has to buy them.¹⁴

That the problem with new shoes is that they are never as comfortable
as the ones they are meant to replace.¹⁵
That an up-and-coming neighborhood in possession of increasingly hip retail and rising rents must be in want of a name.¹⁶

That a single neuron in possession of a good potential must be in want of a network.¹⁷
That the most efficient way of working with AutoCAD is to use the keyboard to enter command aliases or open and close palettes.¹⁸
That Q was always to be found guilty of altering F.¹⁹
That a single tract of text in possession of charms attractive to potential readers, must be in want of good binding and secure lodging.²⁰
That taxonomy is in a parlous state.²¹

That he could really be making more money at a hedge fund.²²
That one should never direct a writing program before tenure.²³
That prevarication is practically part of the job description.²⁴

That all gay men love their mothers.²⁵
That a parent will lie to a child to soften the burden of reality.²⁶

¹ Reading Lolita in Tehran, Azar Nafisi [source]
² A Ned Rorem Reader, Ned Rorem [source]
³ Point of Honour, Madeleine E. Robins [source]
⁴ In The Dark of Dreams: A Dirk & Steele Novel, Marjorie M. Liu [source]
⁵ Lads: A Memoir, Dave Itzkoff [source]
⁶ The Trouble With Tom: The Strange Afterlife and Times of Thomas Paine, Paul Collins [source]
⁷ Economic Democracy and Financial Participation: A comparative study, Daryl D'Art [source]
⁸ Ether: Seven Stories and a Novella, Evgenia Citkowitz [source]
⁹ Colossus: The Price of America's Empire, Niall Ferguson [source]
¹⁰ "We Are Not the World," Paul Krugman [source]
¹¹ Searching Shakespeare: Studies In Culture And Authority, Derek Cohen [source]
¹² "The Family Stone," Roger Ebert [source]
¹³ McCarthy's Bar: A Journey of Discovery in Ireland, Pete McCarthy [source]
¹⁴ Putting Your Passion Into Print, Arielle Eckstut and David Henry Sterry [source]
¹⁵ Knightley Academy, Violet Haberdasher [source]
¹⁶ "WestEnders," Aaron Britt [source]
¹⁷ The Neurobiology Of Neural Networks, Daniel Gardner [source]
¹⁸ AutoCAD 2011 for Dummies, David Byrnes [source]
¹⁹ Berryman's Shakespeare, John Berryman [source]
²⁰ Evolutionary Bioinformatics, Donald R. Forsdyke [source]
²¹ The New Taxonomy, Quentin Wheeler [source]
²² The Social Climber's Handbook: A Novel, Molly Jong-Fast [source]
²³ The Writing Program Administrator's Resource: A Guide to Reflective Institutional Practice, edited by Stuart Cameron Brown and Theresa Enos [source]
²⁴ Your Call Is Important To Us: The Truth About Bullshit, Laura Penny [source]
²⁵ Brief Encounter, Richard Dyer [source]
²⁶ Soul Market, Sonnet O'Dell [source]

Elon Green writes supply-sider agitprop for ThinkProgress and Alternet.

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Jane Austen: Popular For The Wrong Reasons

Alex Balk — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 14:00:53 +0000

We're probably a little late to this, but it's too good not to share: Fran Lebowitz discusses Jane Austen. [Via]

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Who Killed Jane Austen?

Alex Balk — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 13:40:54 +0000

A British medical researcher has put forth a new theory on the disease that claimed Jane Austen's life. While previous speculation centered around Addison's disease or lymphoma, "Katherine White of the Addison's Disease Self Help Group has written an article for the British Medical Journal's Medical Humanities magazine in which she says that Austen probably died of tuberculosis caught from cattle." This postulation is actually borne out if one reads letters Austen sent to her family at the time, as well as the original ending of Sense and Sensibility, which was changed because it was thought to be too bleak.

With an income quite sufficient to their wants thus secured to them, they had nothing to wait for after Edward was in possession of the living, but the readiness of the house, to which Colonel Brandon, with an eager desire for the accommodation of Elinor, was making considerable improvements; and after waiting some time for their completion, after experiencing, as usual, a thousand disappointments and delays from the unaccountable dilatoriness of the workmen, Elinor, as usual, broke through the first positive resolution of not marrying till every thing was ready, and the ceremony took place in Barton church early in the autumn.

The first month after their marriage was spent with their friend at the Mansion-house; from whence they could superintend the progress of the Parsonage, and direct every thing as they liked on the spot;-could chuse papers, project shrubberies, and invent a sweep. Mrs. Jennings's prophecies, though rather jumbled together, were chiefly fulfilled; for she was able to visit Edward and his wife in their Parsonage by Michaelmas, and she found in Elinor and her husband, as she really believed, one of the happiest couples in the world. They had in fact nothing to wish for, but the marriage of Colonel Brandon and Marianne, and rather better pasturage for their cows.

The cows, in fact, were more than vexed. As Elinor walked thru the pasture one morning, a milk cow, familiarly known as Bessie, rose upon its hind feet, as if some kind of great beast.

"I shall kill you," cried Bessie, quite startling Elinor, "I come to talk to you of your demise. This way of treating us is more than unflattering. So terrible you are!-You know how I dread to complain;-but the very moment I saw you pass by, there was such an anger in my temper as really should seem to say, I will see you shuffle off this mortal coil."

"But, but-" stammered Elinor, so full of fear and confusion, "you are a cow! How could you kill me?"

"It's called bovine disseminated tuberculosis, you annoying bitch, and now you've got it. You won't see Christmas. MUHAHHAHAHA."

Elinor was indeed dead within the month. Fucking cows.

THE END

Yep. It's all there.

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Jane Austen Starts Tomorrow!

Choire Sicha — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:16:07 +0000

Ooh, you know what opens tomorrow at the Morgan Library? The exhibition of Jane Austen's letters! See you there, yo.

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