The Awl

Moammar Gadhafi Is Sick Of Those Annoying Knives

Alex Balk — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 11:10:02 +0000

"In a rambling address on Thursday, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi called for holy war against Switzerland."

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Elsewhere: Understanding Afghanistan

Alex Balk — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:30:39 +0000

If you are looking for a comprehensive primer on the state of affairs in Afghanistan-what are the strategies, who is making the decisions, what are the possible outcomes-let me suggest this extensive assessment by Spencer Ackerman. It is really rather long, but at the end of it you'll be much better informed about the whole situation. And probably much more depressed.

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The Old Ball-and-Chain-and-Anal-Probe

Alex Balk — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:00:02 +0000

This is almost certainly too good to check, so I'm not gonna. Anyway, to Jeddah: "Saudi men have the habit of saving their wives' mobile telephone numbers under a variety of pseudonyms and titles to avoid them being detected by prying eyes, but one husband of 17 years found himself in hot water with his better half when she discovered that she had been recorded on his names list under the less than flattering 'Guantanamo'."

The upset wife is demanding financial compensation for her hurt feelings and threatening divorce. The guy should probably just pay up and get her off his back: Everyone knows how difficult it is to shut down Guantanamo.

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Macedonian PM Hosts High-Level Tube Snake Boogie Summit

Alex Balk — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 10:45:30 +0000

The correspondent who alerted us to this story on a meeting between members of ZZ Top and Macedonian Prime Minister Nikola Gruevski called its accompanying photo "one of the strangest images I've seen in some time." We cannot but agree.

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Berlusconi Does Funny Bit About Black Guy And Black Wife

Alex Balk — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 09:45:35 +0000

Silvio Berlusconi, addressing supporters this weekend at a rally in Milan, told a very funny joke!

Mr Berlusconi told supporters of his People of Freedom party that his government had scored a number of successes since being elected last year, claiming that he had acted swiftly to tackle the effects of the global economic crisis and ensure that Italy had a more solid banking system than many other countries.

"And we have introduced a new element into Italian politics: morality," said Mr Berlusconi, whose estranged wife, Veronica Lario, 53, has suggested that he is obsessed with chasing glamorous actresses and showgirls young enough to be his grand daughters.

He also did his extremely popular "Barack Obama is so black" bit. But this time, he had some new material to go along with it.

"I bring you greetings from a person who is called...a person who is sun-tanned...Barack Obama," said the premier to appreciative howls and knee-slaps, before adding, "You wouldn't believe it, but they go sunbathing at the beach together – his wife is also sun-tanned."

Berlusconi will be here all week.

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Obama-Hating British Paper Thinks Michelle Should Have Gotten All Oily For Protocol's Sake

Alex Balk — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 15:15:00 +0000

Britain's Telegraph, which yesterday described Barack Obama's alleged snub of Prime Minister Gordon Brown as unforgivably churlish, today castigates Michelle Obama for "bad form" in failing to accede to hooker-banging sleazeball (alleged) Silvio Berlusconi's lip-smacking, "Come to Papi" advances. It's almost like the paper is saying that, I don't know, black people don't understand how to behave in proper society. But maybe I'm just reading into things.

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British Prime Minister Granted Valuable "Cup Of Coffee" Meeting With President

Alex Balk — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 09:51:18 +0000

It's another setback for beleaguered British Prime Minister Gordon Brown: "The White House today attempted to shore up Gordon Brown's global image after it emerged that the US president, Barack Obama, turned down no fewer than five requests from Downing Street to hold a bilateral meeting at the United Nations in New York or at the G20 summit starting in Pittsburgh today."

A "senior administration official" took great pains to insist that there was no "snub" of Brown, but the Prime Minister, whose troubles are too numerous to mention, sustained even more damage back home with the revelation that, rather than holding a bilateral meeting with the president, he was "reduced to grabbing a 15-minute chat with the US president in the UN's kitchens." (How very In the Loop!) Still, those who worry about what it all means for The Special Relationship should have no fear: Obama is not de-emphasizing our ties with Britain, he just doesn't want to be seen hanging around with losers. It's why you're not gonna see him campaigning in New Jersey again unless Jon Corzine looks like he has a shot. Which he doesn't. Sorry, Gordon.

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Ahmadinejad Speaks

Alex Balk — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 10:24:20 +0000

On the eve of Qods Day, the holiday celebrated by Iran with denunciations against Israel, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sat down with NBC's Ann Curry in attempt to show the world that he is indeed as cartoonish and shifty as previously suspected. (Watch the full interview here.) I mean, seriously, what is it with this guy? He's making Ann Curry look hard-hitting. More importantly, the Iranian opposition used today's festivities to demonstrate against the regime; the Guardian has a good roundup of the protests.

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UK Under Siege From Wave Of Violent Sweets

Alex Balk — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 13:30:53 +0000

Trouble across the pond: "More than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits ranging from scalding from hot tea or coffee while dunking or breaking a tooth eating during a morning tea break, a survey has revealed. An estimated 25 million adults have been injured while eating during a tea or coffee break – with at least 500 landing themselves in hospital, the survey revealed. The custard cream biscuit was found to be the worse offender to innocent drinkers." The full list of harm-inducing biscuits also includes the cookie, the wafer, and the caramel shortbread, which is considered particularly dangerous because of its penchant for knifecrimes.

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Berlusconi Hooker Update: Sister Act

Alex Balk — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 11:25:20 +0000

I have never paid one lira, one euro for sexual favours. I say this also because, for those who love to conquer, the joy and the most beautiful satisfaction is in the conquest. If you have to pay, I ask you, what joy is there?

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi once again denies that he has paid women for sex (which isn't actually the issue, since someone else paid for them.) The Daily Mail's coverage of this comment notes that Berlusconi delivered his poetic remarks "as an expressionless Spanish counterpart looked on." I can imagine! Also, Gianpaolo Tarantini, the businessmen who claims to have procured a large number of women for the premier's enjoyment, alleges that "two of the prostitutes he provided for the 73-year-old media tycoon were "SISTERS" who specialised in a sordid double-act." E la vita continua.

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