"In a rambling address on Thursday, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi called for holy war against Switzerland." @11:10 AM 20
Elsewhere: Understanding Afghanistan @11:30 AM
If you are looking for a comprehensive primer on the state of affairs in Afghanistan—what are the strategies, who is making the decisions, what are the possible outcomes—let me suggest this extensive assessment by Spencer Ackerman. It is really rather long, but at the end of it you'll be much better informed about the whole situation. And probably much more depressed. 9
The Old Ball-and-Chain-and-Anal-Probe @12:00 PM
This is almost certainly too good to check, so I'm not gonna. Anyway, to Jeddah: "Saudi men have the habit of saving their wives' mobile telephone numbers under a variety of pseudonyms and titles to avoid them being detected by prying eyes, but one husband of 17 years found himself in hot water with his better half when she discovered that she had been recorded on his names list under the less than flattering 'Guantanamo'."
The upset wife is demanding financial compensation for her hurt feelings and threatening divorce. The guy should probably just pay up and get her off his back: Everyone knows how difficult it is to shut down Guantanamo. 3
Macedonian PM Hosts High-Level Tube Snake Boogie Summit @10:45 AM
The correspondent who alerted us to this story on a meeting between members of ZZ Top and Macedonian Prime Minister Nikola Gruevski called its accompanying photo "one of the strangest images I've seen in some time." We cannot but agree. 7
Berlusconi Does Funny Bit About Black Guy And Black Wife @9:45 AM
Silvio Berlusconi, addressing supporters this weekend at a rally in Milan, told a very funny joke!
Mr Berlusconi told supporters of his People of Freedom party that his government had scored a number of successes since being elected last year, claiming that he had acted swiftly to tackle the effects of the global economic crisis and ensure that Italy had a more solid banking system than many other countries."And we have introduced a new element into Italian politics: morality," said Mr Berlusconi, whose estranged wife, Veronica Lario, 53, has suggested that he is obsessed with chasing glamorous actresses and showgirls young enough to be his grand daughters.
Obama-Hating British Paper Thinks Michelle Should Have Gotten All Oily For Protocol's Sake @3:15 PM
Britain's Telegraph, which yesterday described Barack Obama's alleged snub of Prime Minister Gordon Brown as unforgivably churlish, today castigates Michelle Obama for "bad form" in failing to accede to hooker-banging sleazeball (alleged) Silvio Berlusconi's lip-smacking, "Come to Papi" advances. It's almost like the paper is saying that, I don't know, black people don't understand how to behave in proper society. But maybe I'm just reading into things. 20
British Prime Minister Granted Valuable "Cup Of Coffee" Meeting With President @9:51 AM
It's another setback for beleaguered British Prime Minister Gordon Brown: "The White House today attempted to shore up Gordon Brown's global image after it emerged that the US president, Barack Obama, turned down no fewer than five requests from Downing Street to hold a bilateral meeting at the United Nations in New York or at the G20 summit starting in Pittsburgh today." READ MORE 3
Ahmadinejad Speaks @10:24 AM
On the eve of Qods Day, the holiday celebrated by Iran with denunciations against Israel, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sat down with NBC's Ann Curry in attempt to show the world that he is indeed as cartoonish and shifty as previously suspected. (Watch the full interview here.) I mean, seriously, what is it with this guy? He's making Ann Curry look hard-hitting. More importantly, the Iranian opposition used today's festivities to demonstrate against the regime; the Guardian has a good roundup of the protests. 3
UK Under Siege From Wave Of Violent Sweets @1:30 PM
Trouble across the pond: "More than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits ranging from scalding from hot tea or coffee while dunking or breaking a tooth eating during a morning tea break, a survey has revealed. An estimated 25 million adults have been injured while eating during a tea or coffee break – with at least 500 landing themselves in hospital, the survey revealed. The custard cream biscuit was found to be the worse offender to innocent drinkers." The full list of harm-inducing biscuits also includes the cookie, the wafer, and the caramel shortbread, which is considered particularly dangerous because of its penchant for knifecrimes. 7
Berlusconi Hooker Update: Sister Act @11:25 AM
I have never paid one lira, one euro for sexual favours. I say this also because, for those who love to conquer, the joy and the most beautiful satisfaction is in the conquest. If you have to pay, I ask you, what joy is there?
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi once again denies that he has paid women for sex (which isn't actually the issue, since someone else paid for them.) The Daily Mail's coverage of this comment notes that Berlusconi delivered his poetic remarks "as an expressionless Spanish counterpart looked on." I can imagine! Also, Gianpaolo Tarantini, the businessmen who claims to have procured a large number of women for the premier's enjoyment, alleges that "two of the prostitutes he provided for the 73-year-old media tycoon were "SISTERS" who specialised in a sordid double-act." E la vita continua. 4
It's A Good Time To Be In The Wizarding Business @2:10 PM
While we're all waiting for those green shoots to fully bloom, there are certain industries in which it is still possible to make a decent living. In Saudi Arabia, for example, there's big bucks in spells:: "Hardly a day passes without a local newspaper reporting the arrest of a sorcerer in the Kingdom, something that is indicative of the widespread meddling in sorcery. It is, however, not just sorcerers who make money – those who treat (or claim to treat) magic and the evil eye are also rolling in dollars." 0
Silvio Berlusconi: Denials, Affirmations, And The "Asking For It" Defense @1:25 PM
A couple of noteworthy if minor developments in the ongoing saga of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi: The premier claimed that "Most Italians would like to be like me and they support my behaviour," which may actually be true, and also pointed to a 70% approval rating, which is almost certainly not. (He also disputed any rift whith the Catholic Church, which, well.) READ MORE 1
New Japanese First Lady Well Traveled @9:22 AM
"The 62-year-old also knew Tom Cruise in a former incarnation – when he was Japanese – and is now looking forward to making a Hollywood movie with him. 'I believe he'd get it if I said to him, "Long time no see", when we meet,' she said in a recent interview. But it is her claim in a book entitled 'Very Strange Things I've Encountered' that she was abducted by aliens while she slept one night 20 years ago, that has suddenly drawn attention…"
Meet Miyuki Hatoyama, whose husband Yukio is about to become the Prime Minister of Japan. She has also claimed that she "eats the sun" for breakfast. All well and good, but how toned are her arms and how does she look in shorts? Because those are the really important issues. 18
Italy: The Intellectuals Against The Showgirls @10:15 AM
One of the major contentions of Alexander Stille's excellent The Sack of Rome is that Silvio Berlusconi, through his control of the country's most popular television networks, created an electorate which would happily vote for someone like him. Berlusconi was aided immeasurably by the massive corruption of both the left and the right, but it was only through his channels' steady diet of crappy American nightime soaps like Dallas and game shows featuring scantily clad young women that Berlusconi was able to coarsen the culture to the extent that a ridiculous figure such as himself could be viewed as a plausible candidate for high office. READ MORE 7
Mahinda Rajapaksa, Then And Now @9:45 AM
"Travelling to Switzerland without a penny in his pocket and on an air ticket purchased for him by a friend, the young politician entered the building of the United Nations Commission on Human Rights (UNCHR) in Geneva and parked himself in the lobby. Over several days, he waylaid every delegation passing through those halls, using each opportunity to tell members of the world community about the tragedy that was unfolding in Sri Lanka. So eager and relentless was the young man that he was finally given a special meeting at the UNCHR to present his case. Back in Sri Lanka he organised anti-government campaigns and founded organisations that looked into disappearances. He was, if anything, the face of the agitation campaign against the regime of the day, the street fighter determined to secure the rights of the oppressed and release them from the brutal grip of state terror."
Pretty fascinating profile of Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapaksa in the Independent. The piece chronicles his transformation from the young human rights advocate detailed above to "the corpulent, shrewd politician occupying the premier seat of power in Sri Lanka today." Worth reading. 2
Is Silvio Berlusconi Actually In Trouble? @1:30 PM
What in the hell is going on over there in Italy? It's not the normal craziness surrounding scandal-plagued Premier Silvio Berlusconi today; no, this time it's a couple of things that seem to be the acts of a man who knows he's in jeopardy. READ MORE 1
Cockney ATM Renders Additional Jokes Superfluous @2:48 PM
Things from England: "Bank Machine, which runs 2,500 ATMs across the country, has set up five cash dispensers in locations from Spittalfields to Barnet that offer customers the option either to request cash in English, or 'moolah for ya sky rocket' in cockney. Ask for cockney and the machine tells you it is 'Readin' your bladder of lard' before asking for your 'Huckleberry Finn'. Then the hard decisions start. Do you want to see your balance on the Charlie Sheen? Or withdraw sausage and mash?" Yep. 6
The Iranian Dissident Fitness Program @9:11 AM
As mass trials against reformist elements take place in Iran, the government is denying accusations of violence against those detained in the wake of the recent disputed presidential election. READ MORE 7
Silvio Berlusconi's Sex Addict Rehab @11:45 AM
Will Italian first lady Veronica Lario divorce errant husband Silvio Berlusconi, or will the 72-year-old premier attempt reconciliation by entering a clinic for the rehabilitation of his addiction to consorting with underage girls and hookers? Who knows! But I hope it's the former, because I'm still shuddering from thinking about the second option. 1
The French Joe Hill's Rallying Cry Was "Don't Mourn, Boys, Poison The River" @12:03 PM
Employees of a French trucking company facing possible closure "have threatened to dump a toxic substance into the River Seine if their demands for extra compensation are not met, union representatives said on Thursday."
Previously: The French Art Of Labor Relations 1
Revisiting Partition @4:15 PM
Who was responsible for the partition of India? Traditionally the blame has been placed on Pakistani founding father Mohammad Ali Jinnah. But: "A controversial new book by a senior politician from India's Hindu nationalist party suggests that Mr Jinnah, a secular man who drank and smoked but rarely visited the mosque, has too long been demonised by Indian society. Furthermore, it argues that he only raised the prospect of a separate Pakistan with independence leaders such as Mahatma Gandhi as a bargaining tool and that it was the inflexibility of Jawaharlal Nehru, the man who became independent India's first prime minister, that ultimately led to the division of the sub-continent." Interesting stuff. Read it here. 4
Tired, Emotional Hillary Clinton Becoming As Candid As Joe Biden @9:35 AM
Will this be our outrage for the day? Quite possibly! God forbid the Secretary of State cast aspersions on the cleanest, fairest, least manipulated election this country has ever seen. On foreign soil, no less! Tina Brown was right: Bitch needs to hit the gym. 8
America Teaches Britain To Love The NHS @1:10 PM
The British, for whom the slogan "mustn't grumble" is more aspirational than advisory, have finally found a reason to love their National Health Service: American right-wing demonization of the system. In the wake of Investors Business Daily's claim that if Stephen Hawking lived in the UK (which he does) the NHS would kill him (which it hasn't), Professor Hawking affirmed that he "wouldn't be here today if it were not for the NHS. I have received a large amount of high-quality treatment without which I would not have survived." British diplomats over here are trying to remain above the fray, but do note the following statistics. READ MORE 16
Former Berlusconi Ally Slams PM, Talks Erections @9:55 AM
Paolo Guzzanti, a former Italian Senator who resigned from Silvio Berlusconi's party six months ago, blasted the Italian Prime Minister for his "whoring attitude of contempt towards women." Calling Berlusconi "a real pig," Guzzanti let loose on his blog, blasting Berlusconi for "opening unthinkable careers to pretty girls who have learnt only how important it is to give it to the right person at the right time." Also? He's heard things. And he's willing to talk. READ MORE 8
Clinton Returns Home With Journalists, Clinton (The Other One) Sees Chance For Talks @9:45 AM
Bill Clinton and the two journalists he rescued from North Korea have returned safely to the United States (adorable photo here). "I am very happy that after this long ordeal, Laura Ling and Euna Lee are now home and reunited with their loved ones," said the former President in a three-line statement that shows how much the world has changed since he held office; ten years ago it would have been a small novel. READ MORE 5
Bill Clinton Rescues North Korean Prisoners @3:31 PM
The breaking news out everywhere now is that Bill Clinton has succeeded in obtaining the release of the two journalists arrested earlier this year for entering into North Korea illegally. Maybe now they should send him to Iran. 50
Modern Day Groundlings Defile British Theaters @1:40 PM
Back in June, the Wall Street Journal ran a piece on the poor etiquette of theatergoers, a trend that seems to be growing as deeply discounted tickets bring new asses to the seats. These are the people who use their cellphones during the show, shout or are otherwise unruly, etc. David Hyde Pierce recalled seeing "a family passing a bucket of chicken down the front row." Turns out they're having the same problem across the pond. This being Britain, however, things are much more exciting. READ MORE 11
Stressed-Out Berlusconi To Cut Back On Hookers? @10:30 AM
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is stressed! And who wouldn't be, what with all the crazy accusations about banging prostitutes, destroying archeology, and offering do-nothing political jobs in exchange for sex? On the eve of a three-week vacation away from his troubles he reportedly flew in a trio of doctors to help him relieve some of the tension. Their suggestions are said to involve mineral baths and a change of diet; the Times of London notes rather acidly, "It is unlikely that doctors will be prescribing the company of hordes of young bikini-clad guests and naked world leaders, who have famously frequented his holiday home in the past." Seems rather short-sighted to me; how you gonna cure a guy by taking away his favorite things? 1
Clinton Flies In @9:01 AM
Former President Bill Clinton landed in Pynogyang this morning in an attempt to secure the release of Laura Ling and Euna Lee, two journalists arrested in March and sentenced to 12 years for illegally crossing into North Korea. While the White House is characterizing the visit as a "solely private mission," both North Korea and the United States benefit from the diplomatic encounter: North Korea gets the recognition it so desperately craves in the eyes of the world—we sent them a former President, and it wasn't Jimmy Carter!—while the United States may finally be able to achieve the journalists' safe return home. Should Clinton succeed in retrieving Ling and Lee, it will both burnish his reputation and be a big "fuck you" to Bill Richardson, who is usually the guy you fly in for these kind of things. There's been no word on how Clinton will attempt to pull it off, but there are rumors that he brought along former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger, who will surreptitiously stuff the two women down his pants when the North Koreans aren't looking. 12
England Wants Credit For Absolutely Repulsive Sack Of Offal @4:10 PM
Not content with their own disgusting contributions to culinary history, the English are now claiming that haggis—that vile, football-shaped concoction of minced ungulate innards boiled in their own stomach—was appropriated by the Scots under false pretenses. Historians note that whether or not the Scottish people actually purloined the dish, they are still morally superior to the Welsh, who came to my house and stole a leg of beef. 8
