The Awl

Six Area Codes In Which At Least One Collection Agency Is Located

Luke Mazur — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 13:25:12 +0000

6. 847 (Illinois, including Cook County)
5. 605 (all of South Dakota)
4. 850 (the Florida panhandle)
3. 414 (Milwaukee County)
2. 301 (western Maryland)
1. 407 (Orlanda, FL metro area)

Luke Mazur would suggest screening numbers with these area codes, but only insofar as that suggestion is not commentary.

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Smart, Sportsy Things For You To Say During Super Bowl XLIV

Jim Behrle — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 13:00:26 +0000

I know that most of you will be watching "Project Runway" on your DVRs or rereading "Middlemarch" during Sundays' Superbowl. But in the interest of helping you fit in with any football-lovers you may encounter, well, we can help. Just make sure to drop a few of these golden ditties.

BEFORE THE GAME:

1. "Dwight Freeney is the key. If he can't play, or plays but can't push coming off the edge, the Colts are going to have to get better interior pressure on Brees."

2. "I heard CBS was going to run a pro-abortion commercial, too. It starred the entire cast of 'Jersey Shore.'"

3. "If Reggie Bush is going to get to the House, he's going to have to be much more elusive in the Red Zone."

4. "The Saints defense is rated 25th in the NFL. That's below both the Snorks and the Smurfs."

DURING THE FIRST HALF:

5. "We might be witnessing the greatest aerial assault since Manfred Albrecht Freiherr von Richthofen held his 'Bloody April' in 1917!"

6. "Well, this game sucks. But there's only 11 days til pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training."

7. "If that gray ash stuff keeps the smoke monster away, why don't they sprinkle a little around the entire circumference of the island?"

8. "I haven't seen a Saint get burned on coverage that bad since Joan of Arc!"

HALFTIME:

9. "Man, I miss Prince-I mean, I miss Janet Jackson's rack."

DURING THE SECOND HALF:

10. "Peyton Manning is only pretending to change the play at the line of scrimmage. He's actually composing a Language Poem."

11. "The Saints' only hope is that, at some point during the third quarter, Caldwell decides to rest his starters for the offseason."

12. "That tackle was so homoerotic, it could have been a commercial for that Mancrush or whatever the hell it's called website!"

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How To Be Taken Hostage

Choire Sicha — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 14:30:49 +0000

Newsweek has some helpful suggestions, quite randomly presented in cartoon form, about dealing with being taken hostage by another person. I disagree with nearly all of these pro tips! Don't be a hero? America loves heroes. It is anti-American not to be a hero. In fact, your life is meaningless without taking advantage of potential heroism. Let's roll, people! Roll, that is, against the anti-American elitist traitors that run the liberal coastal mouthpiece that is Newsweek.

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Good Advice For Stupid Crackers

Choire Sicha — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 15:30:17 +0000

Finally! Black people explain to slow white people what and what not to do: "If you write an article that results in a mass of people denouncing your article and possibly yourself as racist, it's not going to be for some arbitrary reason. Though it won't be comfortable, you need to accept the idea that you may have done what it is you are being accused. Calling the large group of people whom you offended irrational is not going to help." Ha, you think? (via)

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Your Halloween Costume: A Bigot

Abe Sauer — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:18:33 +0000

The offensive costume is a Halloween staple. Because some people, you just can't ~~reach~~ teach. Combine a need for attention with alcohol and some markers and duct tape and sometimes you get something great. Sometimes you get something else. But we do expect businesses to know better. Read on for this year's most bigoted, misogynistic, racist costumes. All available from legitimate retailers. Including Amazon.com.

Teen Asian Dragon Lady
The world of Suzie Wong includes registering as a sex offender, apparently.

"Fee Ling"
It's even cheap. Just like all Chinese stuff.

Barack Obama
While the above is the worst example, why would you even try to do this? Because you're racist, that's why.

Pumpkin Head Obama
Is this racist? Might be. Is it beyond stupid? You bet your ass it is. Would the only person to wear something like this probably be kinda' racist? No doubt.

The Vagina
"Way to go brah! Let me touch your clit! Oh, I can't find it! Get it? Ha ha. Gimme' another Bud Lite Lime." Hey women who sleep with these ~~men~~ human dildos, you're only encouraging them. (For shame, Amazon.)

Illegal Alien
Ha! Get it? It's a play on words, like going as delinquent beauty queen "Miss Behavin." Except racist. Target actually got into trouble for carrying this mask's full body counterpart. But this mask is so much worse; like a masterpiece from the Charlie Chan period.

Gay-Lien
Ha! So gay.

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