The Awl http://www.theawl.com/ Be Less Stupid Tue, 15 Nov 2011 10:40:15 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.2 Stalking the Elusive Ethnotramp of New Britain http://www.theawl.com/2011/11/stalking-the-elusive-ethnotramp-of-new-britain http://www.theawl.com/2011/11/stalking-the-elusive-ethnotramp-of-new-britain#comments Tue, 15 Nov 2011 10:40:15 +0000 Choire Sicha http://www.theawl.com/2011/11/stalking-the-elusive-ethnotramp-of-new-britain
From a scientific perspective, of course, stomping through inaccessible rainforest and looking around at random trees is hardly a methodologically sound way of finding a tree kangaroo.... I observed to John Lane that a bunch of Californian college kids in the middle of a jungle sounded like the archetypical setup of a 1970s exploitation movie. And it did seem as though an F/X crew was on the premises. One morning, Lane woke to find a 10-foot web stitched between the same pair of trees as his hammock, an orb weaver spider the breadth of my palm splayed at its center. There were at least three species of scorpion in camp, and the native amethystine pythons were known to grow to 25 feet. Tiger leeches waited in ambush on the undersides of leaves, squirmed through the eyelets in hiking boots, and crawled to out-of-the-way sites to feed undisturbed. A few days earlier, Lane thought he felt a loose piece of skin on the inside of his cheek and discovered a leech feeding in his mouth. Alan discovered the same while brushing his teeth. One morning, Sarah had felt what she thought was a bit of dirt in her eye. She asked Heidi to take a look and was informed that a leech had attached itself to her eyeball, where it was happily engorged. As the camp gathered around to observe, Sarah maintained clinical detachment while Heidi attempted to pluck it off with tweezers.

—Matthew Power's Island of Secrets is about going to look for an adorable animal in a really gross jungle.

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From a scientific perspective, of course, stomping through inaccessible rainforest and looking around at random trees is hardly a methodologically sound way of finding a tree kangaroo.... I observed to John Lane that a bunch of Californian college kids in the middle of a jungle sounded like the archetypical setup of a 1970s exploitation movie. And it did seem as though an F/X crew was on the premises. One morning, Lane woke to find a 10-foot web stitched between the same pair of trees as his hammock, an orb weaver spider the breadth of my palm splayed at its center. There were at least three species of scorpion in camp, and the native amethystine pythons were known to grow to 25 feet. Tiger leeches waited in ambush on the undersides of leaves, squirmed through the eyelets in hiking boots, and crawled to out-of-the-way sites to feed undisturbed. A few days earlier, Lane thought he felt a loose piece of skin on the inside of his cheek and discovered a leech feeding in his mouth. Alan discovered the same while brushing his teeth. One morning, Sarah had felt what she thought was a bit of dirt in her eye. She asked Heidi to take a look and was informed that a leech had attached itself to her eyeball, where it was happily engorged. As the camp gathered around to observe, Sarah maintained clinical detachment while Heidi attempted to pluck it off with tweezers.

—Matthew Power's Island of Secrets is about going to look for an adorable animal in a really gross jungle.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2011/11/stalking-the-elusive-ethnotramp-of-new-britain/feed 3 The Internet, "Cocaine" http://www.theawl.com/2011/11/the-internet-cocaine http://www.theawl.com/2011/11/the-internet-cocaine#comments Tue, 01 Nov 2011 16:00:39 +0000 Dave Bry http://www.theawl.com/2011/11/the-internet-cocaine
Now, I'm sure many of us have found ourselves engaging in illicit behavior under regrettable circumstances. Public bathrooms are far from the most hygienic places, yet a public bathroom is sometimes the only available place to take drugs. Still, you have to think these ladies could have found a more suitable surface from which to snort cocaine than a piece of wood just outside a cage which apparently houses an animal at a state fair. I mean, Jesus, it could have been a llama!

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Now, I'm sure many of us have found ourselves engaging in illicit behavior under regrettable circumstances. Public bathrooms are far from the most hygienic places, yet a public bathroom is sometimes the only available place to take drugs. Still, you have to think these ladies could have found a more suitable surface from which to snort cocaine than a piece of wood just outside a cage which apparently houses an animal at a state fair. I mean, Jesus, it could have been a llama!

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2011/11/the-internet-cocaine/feed 3 Nice Child Thrown Under Bus at Huffington Post http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/nice-child-thrown-under-bus-at-huffington-post http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/nice-child-thrown-under-bus-at-huffington-post#comments Mon, 11 Jul 2011 15:20:21 +0000 Choire Sicha http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/nice-child-thrown-under-bus-at-huffington-post Two days ago it became known that, a month ago, a youngster at the Huffington Post did a terrible job "summarizing" an Ad Age thing, and the Ad Age writer (Awl pal Simon Dumenco) reasonably beefed about the amount of taking versus linking, and the Huffington Post... suspended their writer indefinitely. This is along the lines of arresting hookers instead of johns, or drug users instead of drug importers, or something. The writer, who seems to be Yale class of (something fairly recent), Amy Lee, was doing pretty much what she'd been trained to do, either overtly or covertly, and she took the fall for the HuffPo, which is so obviously baloney. Isn't it bad enough that she has a terrible job, writing up news blurbs that no one reads (part of Ad Age's complaint is that the Huffington Post didn't actually send any traffic, but it's obvious from the HuffPo page that barely anyone saw that particular page, unlike some of her other aggregations on other boring topics), when her real-world interests are actually opera, contemporary classical music, poetry and art films.

So the Huffington Post thinks it gets off clean from these entrenched practices by temporarily canning a smart young person who's doing one of their terrible jobs as a way to get into writing and as a way to pay bills. It shouldn't.

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]]> Two days ago it became known that, a month ago, a youngster at the Huffington Post did a terrible job "summarizing" an Ad Age thing, and the Ad Age writer (Awl pal Simon Dumenco) reasonably beefed about the amount of taking versus linking, and the Huffington Post... suspended their writer indefinitely. This is along the lines of arresting hookers instead of johns, or drug users instead of drug importers, or something. The writer, who seems to be Yale class of (something fairly recent), Amy Lee, was doing pretty much what she'd been trained to do, either overtly or covertly, and she took the fall for the HuffPo, which is so obviously baloney. Isn't it bad enough that she has a terrible job, writing up news blurbs that no one reads (part of Ad Age's complaint is that the Huffington Post didn't actually send any traffic, but it's obvious from the HuffPo page that barely anyone saw that particular page, unlike some of her other aggregations on other boring topics), when her real-world interests are actually opera, contemporary classical music, poetry and art films.

So the Huffington Post thinks it gets off clean from these entrenched practices by temporarily canning a smart young person who's doing one of their terrible jobs as a way to get into writing and as a way to pay bills. It shouldn't.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/nice-child-thrown-under-bus-at-huffington-post/feed 16 Why Is Everyone in New York So Barfulous? http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/why-is-everyone-in-new-york-so-barfulous http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/why-is-everyone-in-new-york-so-barfulous#comments Mon, 11 Jul 2011 11:00:18 +0000 Choire Sicha http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/why-is-everyone-in-new-york-so-barfulous Is there anyone left in town who didn't spend the weekend or this morning trying not to heave? Is someone trying to kill us all?

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]]> Is there anyone left in town who didn't spend the weekend or this morning trying not to heave? Is someone trying to kill us all?

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/why-is-everyone-in-new-york-so-barfulous/feed 20 Prank Disgusting Southern Casserole http://www.theawl.com/2010/11/prank-disgusting-southern-casserole http://www.theawl.com/2010/11/prank-disgusting-southern-casserole#comments Fri, 05 Nov 2010 14:40:15 +0000 Lindsay Robertson http://www.theawl.com/2010/11/prank-disgusting-southern-casserole Three years ago, my friend Stephanie and I were both invited to celebrate Thanksgiving at a mutual friend's house. Most of the people coming, including the mutual friend, were crazy insane foodies. Just complete and total insufferable food snobs from hell (but were great otherwise!). So Stephanie and I, who are not foodies, and who are both from northern Florida, decided to bring a fake, disgusting casserole and pass it off as a Northern Florida/Southern Thanksgiving tradition that both of our families, who didn't even know each other, made every year. (The other people at this Thanksgiving celebration, in addition to being foodies, were also Northerners.)

The idea was to make a huge deal about how excited we were about the casserole and to talk about it for weeks before the holiday and present it proudly and to laugh while recounting the little quarrel we had about our differing family traditions on a recipe ingredient and how it almost derailed the cooking project entirely before we finally reached a compromise. We also wanted to make sure every single person tried some of the casserole. We wanted to watch each person eat some and note their reactions and say things like "Right? Isn't it delicious! We'll email you the recipe if you promise not to share it!" We hoped to do all this with totally straight faces.

We also hoped that in the course of the evening, the other members of the party would get the chance to talk about our revolting casserole behind our backs while we were out of the room. We planned to go out for several long smoke breaks in order to facilitate this shit-talking.

At the end of the night, we would do our big reveal: "The casserole was a joke! What kind of trash did you guys think we were? We know how to cook normal food in Northern Florida! There is absolutely no culinary tradition that involves Cheerios as a topping on a casserole!! Hahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

We got as far as co-authoring the recipe, adding ingredients back and forth over IM and making a shopping list. Then, when Thanksgiving Day actually arrived, we said fuck it and made a pumpkin pie. (You know, starving people and all.) But here's What Could Have Been the Best Foodie-Shaming Practical Joke Ever Though In Retrospect We Would Have Been Found Out Because Our Friends Are Not Stupid:

Prank Casserole

Three boxes Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, prepared
2 cans of peas
2 cups mayonnaise
2 packages Oscar Meyer baloney
3 jars of tapioca pudding
1 bag of Cheetos
2 cups Apple Cinnamon Cheerios
Ketchup, to taste

Mix everything except the baloney, Cheerios, and ketchup in a bowl.

Line a large casserole dish with the baloney, taking care to make sure it sticks out and hangs over the sides in an attractive manner.

Dump everything in the casserole dish.

Sprinkle the Cheerios evenly.

Cook at 350 for however long, until it looks on purpose.

Serves as many as you can get to try it.



Lindsay Robertson makes more evil plans than she executes.

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]]> Three years ago, my friend Stephanie and I were both invited to celebrate Thanksgiving at a mutual friend's house. Most of the people coming, including the mutual friend, were crazy insane foodies. Just complete and total insufferable food snobs from hell (but were great otherwise!). So Stephanie and I, who are not foodies, and who are both from northern Florida, decided to bring a fake, disgusting casserole and pass it off as a Northern Florida/Southern Thanksgiving tradition that both of our families, who didn't even know each other, made every year. (The other people at this Thanksgiving celebration, in addition to being foodies, were also Northerners.)

The idea was to make a huge deal about how excited we were about the casserole and to talk about it for weeks before the holiday and present it proudly and to laugh while recounting the little quarrel we had about our differing family traditions on a recipe ingredient and how it almost derailed the cooking project entirely before we finally reached a compromise. We also wanted to make sure every single person tried some of the casserole. We wanted to watch each person eat some and note their reactions and say things like "Right? Isn't it delicious! We'll email you the recipe if you promise not to share it!" We hoped to do all this with totally straight faces.

We also hoped that in the course of the evening, the other members of the party would get the chance to talk about our revolting casserole behind our backs while we were out of the room. We planned to go out for several long smoke breaks in order to facilitate this shit-talking.

At the end of the night, we would do our big reveal: "The casserole was a joke! What kind of trash did you guys think we were? We know how to cook normal food in Northern Florida! There is absolutely no culinary tradition that involves Cheerios as a topping on a casserole!! Hahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

We got as far as co-authoring the recipe, adding ingredients back and forth over IM and making a shopping list. Then, when Thanksgiving Day actually arrived, we said fuck it and made a pumpkin pie. (You know, starving people and all.) But here's What Could Have Been the Best Foodie-Shaming Practical Joke Ever Though In Retrospect We Would Have Been Found Out Because Our Friends Are Not Stupid:

Prank Casserole

Three boxes Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, prepared
2 cans of peas
2 cups mayonnaise
2 packages Oscar Meyer baloney
3 jars of tapioca pudding
1 bag of Cheetos
2 cups Apple Cinnamon Cheerios
Ketchup, to taste

Mix everything except the baloney, Cheerios, and ketchup in a bowl.

Line a large casserole dish with the baloney, taking care to make sure it sticks out and hangs over the sides in an attractive manner.

Dump everything in the casserole dish.

Sprinkle the Cheerios evenly.

Cook at 350 for however long, until it looks on purpose.

Serves as many as you can get to try it.



Lindsay Robertson makes more evil plans than she executes.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/11/prank-disgusting-southern-casserole/feed 21 New York Gets "Landlord Bedbug Disclosure" Law http://www.theawl.com/2010/08/new-york-gets-landlord-bedbug-disclosure-law http://www.theawl.com/2010/08/new-york-gets-landlord-bedbug-disclosure-law#comments Mon, 30 Aug 2010 16:05:58 +0000 Choire Sicha http://www.theawl.com/2010/08/new-york-gets-landlord-bedbug-disclosure-law bedbugsA press release in our mailbox! "New York State Assemblymember Linda B. Rosenthal (D/WF, Manhattan) announced that her legislation requiring landlords to disclose to prospective tenants any history of bedbug infestation in the apartment building and individual unit within the past year was signed into law by Governor Paterson today.... Assemblymember Rosenthal (D/WF) represents the Upper West Side of Manhattan and parts of Clinton/Hell's Kitchen." You mean CLINTON/BEDBUG'S KITCHEN.

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]]> bedbugsA press release in our mailbox! "New York State Assemblymember Linda B. Rosenthal (D/WF, Manhattan) announced that her legislation requiring landlords to disclose to prospective tenants any history of bedbug infestation in the apartment building and individual unit within the past year was signed into law by Governor Paterson today.... Assemblymember Rosenthal (D/WF) represents the Upper West Side of Manhattan and parts of Clinton/Hell's Kitchen." You mean CLINTON/BEDBUG'S KITCHEN.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/08/new-york-gets-landlord-bedbug-disclosure-law/feed 5 New York City, Bursting Burg of Bugs, Hatches Plan to Infest World! http://www.theawl.com/2010/07/new-york-city-bursting-burg-of-bugs-hatches-plan-to-infest-world http://www.theawl.com/2010/07/new-york-city-bursting-burg-of-bugs-hatches-plan-to-infest-world#comments Wed, 28 Jul 2010 09:40:03 +0000 Choire Sicha http://www.theawl.com/2010/07/new-york-city-bursting-burg-of-bugs-hatches-plan-to-infest-world BEDBUGGERYSo maybe this is how it ends for humanity: nibbled to death in your beds. New York City will release a very stern report today about how the bed bug epidemic is going out of control. We're all going to look like our pal Molly in the future! So, we've always said that New York City was a propagator of viruses that then spread throughout the world-mostly we meant intellectual ones, but now we can lay claim to being an incubator and exporter of aggressive, life-ruining insects too. Don't worry. In the year 2400, we'll have achieved a symbiotic melding with the bed bugs; they'll talk to us through our skin and provide us with oxygen in our unbreathable atmosphere, and we'll give them dinner. Turn off your "True Blood," because bed bugs are the only real vampires... for now.

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]]> BEDBUGGERYSo maybe this is how it ends for humanity: nibbled to death in your beds. New York City will release a very stern report today about how the bed bug epidemic is going out of control. We're all going to look like our pal Molly in the future! So, we've always said that New York City was a propagator of viruses that then spread throughout the world-mostly we meant intellectual ones, but now we can lay claim to being an incubator and exporter of aggressive, life-ruining insects too. Don't worry. In the year 2400, we'll have achieved a symbiotic melding with the bed bugs; they'll talk to us through our skin and provide us with oxygen in our unbreathable atmosphere, and we'll give them dinner. Turn off your "True Blood," because bed bugs are the only real vampires... for now.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/07/new-york-city-bursting-burg-of-bugs-hatches-plan-to-infest-world/feed 39 iPad Mugging Reveals Danger Of Tying Shopping Bags Around Your Fingers http://www.theawl.com/2010/04/ipad-mugging-reveals-danger-of-tying-shopping-bags-around-your-fingers http://www.theawl.com/2010/04/ipad-mugging-reveals-danger-of-tying-shopping-bags-around-your-fingers#comments Tue, 20 Apr 2010 11:00:47 +0000 Maura Johnston http://www.theawl.com/2010/04/ipad-mugging-reveals-danger-of-tying-shopping-bags-around-your-fingers product-wifiA Colorado man who was picking up an iPad as a present for a co-worker was rewarded for his errand-running with a mugging that left him minus a finger. After leaving the Apple Store at his local mall with the bag tied around his fingers, Bill Jordan — who noted to his local CBS affiliate that he'd moved his family to the Rockies in order to get away from the wilds of New Jersey — was accosted in the parking lot. And then: "He was almost sitting on the ground he was pulling so hard and [the bag] was still tied around my fingers; and it wouldn't come off and then finally he gave it one big jerk; and that's when he stripped the skin off my pinky and it went right down to the bone." The 59-year-old's finger had to be amputated.

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]]> product-wifiA Colorado man who was picking up an iPad as a present for a co-worker was rewarded for his errand-running with a mugging that left him minus a finger. After leaving the Apple Store at his local mall with the bag tied around his fingers, Bill Jordan — who noted to his local CBS affiliate that he'd moved his family to the Rockies in order to get away from the wilds of New Jersey — was accosted in the parking lot. And then: "He was almost sitting on the ground he was pulling so hard and [the bag] was still tied around my fingers; and it wouldn't come off and then finally he gave it one big jerk; and that's when he stripped the skin off my pinky and it went right down to the bone." The 59-year-old's finger had to be amputated.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/04/ipad-mugging-reveals-danger-of-tying-shopping-bags-around-your-fingers/feed 17 Plant Actually Toilet http://www.theawl.com/2010/03/plant-actually-toilet http://www.theawl.com/2010/03/plant-actually-toilet#comments Thu, 11 Mar 2010 12:40:56 +0000 Choire Sicha http://www.theawl.com/2010/03/plant-actually-toilet GOOD GRIEF"Apparently scientists now think that a pitcher plant they had assumed was so large that it ate shrews is actually a shrew toilet. And just to illustrate that point further, here is a shrew taking a dump in one. UGH! Look at his little guilty, smiling face. Have some decency, you shrew!"

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]]> GOOD GRIEF"Apparently scientists now think that a pitcher plant they had assumed was so large that it ate shrews is actually a shrew toilet. And just to illustrate that point further, here is a shrew taking a dump in one. UGH! Look at his little guilty, smiling face. Have some decency, you shrew!"

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/03/plant-actually-toilet/feed 19 Someone Go Help Nine West. So Bad. http://www.theawl.com/2009/12/someone-go-help-nine-west-so-bad http://www.theawl.com/2009/12/someone-go-help-nine-west-so-bad#comments Tue, 01 Dec 2009 15:45:21 +0000 Mary HK Choi http://www.theawl.com/2009/12/someone-go-help-nine-west-so-bad shiny stuffIf you're anything like me (a girl) you have a squillion pairs of very expensive shoes on ice, and two pairs of Nine West jams that you hoof about in on the reg. And if you were at all excited at the prospect of potentially buying a pair of $41-on-sale sandals for spring, you HAVE TO check out the brand's 2010 spring/summer line. IT'S SOOO FUNNY. No seriously, it surpasses disappointment and Chardonnay-drunk stumbles towards entertaining. It's doing boob jiggles in white palazzo pants with gold eyeshadow and wearing about 239874328734 bangles that make such a racket! Think pastel suede, lace-up cage booties, and quasi gladiator flats with a bajillion bejeweled bra straps. I have ZERO idea who it's for since super FOBby Asian chicks who dig "magpie chic" can get this mess on the mainland for a high five. Also, today someone hipped me to this.

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]]> shiny stuffIf you're anything like me (a girl) you have a squillion pairs of very expensive shoes on ice, and two pairs of Nine West jams that you hoof about in on the reg. And if you were at all excited at the prospect of potentially buying a pair of $41-on-sale sandals for spring, you HAVE TO check out the brand's 2010 spring/summer line. IT'S SOOO FUNNY. No seriously, it surpasses disappointment and Chardonnay-drunk stumbles towards entertaining. It's doing boob jiggles in white palazzo pants with gold eyeshadow and wearing about 239874328734 bangles that make such a racket! Think pastel suede, lace-up cage booties, and quasi gladiator flats with a bajillion bejeweled bra straps. I have ZERO idea who it's for since super FOBby Asian chicks who dig "magpie chic" can get this mess on the mainland for a high five. Also, today someone hipped me to this.

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