Stupid Moon Gets Stupid Game
"Lune is a game about reflection and solitude which lets you control the Moon." —Can you CRASH IT INTO THE EARTH? Because that is the only way I might be interested.
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Moon Even Useless For Insanity-Inducement
It turns out the full moon does not actually make people crazy, which is not the same as saying that it doesn't suck, because it does. It sucks so bad. Fuck the moon.
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Moon Still Causing Trouble
"A police constable has risked embarrassment after launching an investigation into a 'suspicious light source' which was later found to be the moon."
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Moon-Hater Conflicted
Jamie Dimon: I don't see JPMorgan being wiped out unless the earth is hit by the moon.
— CNBC (@CNBC) June 19, 2012
Don't make me root for the moon, Dimon. Just don't.
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Stupid Moon Gets Stupid Slideshow
You're dead to me, Talking Points Memo. I mean, I understand that all the action is in slideshows these days, but I cannot abide your celebration of the latest lunar idiocy. Good day.
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Watch The Moon Take It In The Pole
"From year to year, the moon never seems to change. Craters and other formations appear to be permanent now, but the moon didn't always look like this. Thanks to NASA's Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter, we now have a better look at some of the moon's history." Hahahah, yes, NASA is pretending that this is about education, but we know that they hate the moon as much as all right-thinking people do and they probably took a great deal of joy in putting together this video of the moon getting assaulted by space. I'm gonna be so useless for the rest of the day. TAKE IT ALL, MOON.
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Moon Explosion Video Not Explodey Enough
"An explosion caused by a meteoroid impact on the moon a couple of months ago was visible from Earth with the naked eye, according to Science@NASA. But don’t worry if you didn’t catch it — it was only noticeable for a moment." —Ugh, they are totally right about the way desensitization happens. It used to be that a simple video of the moon getting walloped by space would have kept me sated for days, but after years of poring over each and every frame of hot rock-on-moon action it barely registers; I need something considerably more graphic and extended to excite me now.
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Let's Tart Up The Moon
"If we can mine asteroids, why not paint the Moon to make it brighter?" —Why not indeed? Let's make that bitch look like a circus clown that other clowns are like, "Oh my God, how much make-up is that clown wearing, what a CLOWN WHORE." I'll trowel on the first coat myself!
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Another Cold War Disappointment
"It may sound like a plot straight out of a science fiction novel, but a U.S. mission to blow up the moon with a nuke was very real in the 1950s. At the height of the space race, the U.S. considered detonating an atom bomb on the moon as a display of America's Cold War muscle."
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The Elevator To The Moon
"A space elevator capable of taking robots and humans back to the surface of the moon can be built today, a California firm has claimed. The radical Liftport system would allow cheap and simple access to the lunar surface via a ‘ribbon’ cable. Eventually it is hoped a 'space elevator' could even take people from earth directly to the lunar surface." —Naturally, they are on Kickstarter. Whatever, it is too early in the week to get worked up about this.
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The Moon Is Trying To Kill Us All
"[T]he changing force exerted by the Moon as it orbits—the same thing that drives the tides—creates subtle differences in the position of the hardware within the [Large Hadron Collider]. The differences are tiny for any individual piece of hardware, but they add up when it comes to something as big as the LHC, which has a circumference of nearly 27km. Plus, the LHC hardware is very, very sensitive to being out of alignment, given that it has to accurately direct bunches of protons that are moving at nearly the speed of light. The net result is that the LHC's operators sporadically have to tweak the beam's alignments…" —All of [...]
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Don't Pay Attention To The Moon This Weekend
This Saturday, at 11:34 PM, the moon is going to be all, "Hey, look at me, I'm so big! Come on, look at me!" I suggest we all stay indoors and ignore it, hurting its feelings so badly that it never comes by again. Suck it, stupid moon! Nobody cares about you!
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Here's Another Thing To Blame The Moon For
"A century after the Titanic disaster, scientists have found an unexpected culprit of the crash: the moon." This is something of a quandary for me, because I also hate the Titanic, but I hate the stupid moon even more. So, DAMN YOU MOON! You made the old lady throw it into the ocean at the end! Etc.
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Moon Useless
"What would happen to the Earth if the moon was destroyed?" Apart from the MASSIVE REJOICING and WAVE OF GOOD FEELINGS BROUGHT FORTH UPON THE LAND, pretty much nothing. Things would get a little wobbly, but it seems like a fair trade-off. NOW can we destroy the moon? Please?
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For Some Reason We Are Starting To Care About The Trash Can Known As The Moon
The wonderful news that NASA is deliberately crashing two space probes into the moon is tempered somewhat by the fact that this is actually an attempt to be a more careful steward of that useless satellite's surface. While we have been using the moon as a garbage dump for years—because that's the only thing it's good for—now the agency is concerned that the junk we quite rightly chuck onto that stupid rock might "come to rest in a historically significant place, like on Neil Armstrong’s footprints." You can IMAGINE how I feel about that. PAVE THE WHOLE GODDAMN THING ALREADY.
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Shiny Moon Wants To Kill You
"Death rates spike when more than half of the moon is visible in the night sky, according to research by longevity analysts."
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Useless Piece Of Rock Will Not Rest Until It Has Poisoned Every Man, Woman And Child
"As our closest neighbor in space, a time-capsule of planetary evolution and the only world outside of Earth that humans have stepped foot on, the Moon is an obvious and ever-present location for future exploration by humans. The research that can be done on the Moon — as well as from it — will be invaluable to science. But the only times humans have visited the Moon were during quick, dusty jaunts on its surface, lasting only 2-3 days each before departing. Long-term human exposure to the lunar environment has never been studied in depth, and it’s quite possible that — in addition to the many inherent dangers of [...]
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Russia Must Suck If The Moon Is The Only Alternative
Russia wants to build a permanent base on the moon, which is mostly indicative of what a terrible hellhole Russia is.
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Could There Be More Than One Stupid Moon?
"Everybody knows that there's just one moon orbiting the Earth. But a new study by an international team of astronomers concludes that everybody is dead wrong about that." —Somebody go read the rest of this and tell me what the deal is; I just don't think I have the strength to face it today.
Photo by fotum, via Shutterstock
