Did you go out at 3 in the morning so you could take pictures of a vaguely orange moon? Well you're a fucking moron and I don't have anything else to say to you. Good Lord, how do you live with yourself?
"Record-Breaking Meteorite Crash on Moon Sparks Brightest Lunar Explosion Ever" is the headline, and if the actual video of it is something less graphic and forceful than anyone who hates the moon (which is everyone with any sense) might desire it is still, as the joke goes, a good start.
"China successfully launched a lunar probe into space Monday morning, on a two-week journey to deliver a robotic rover to the surface of the moon. The mission marks China's first attempt at soft-landing a spacecraft on an extra-terrestrial body, and could benefit future plans to land Chinese astronauts on the moon." —Dear China,
Please cut yourself some slack on this one and just go for the hard landing. Do not worry about hurting the moon, just RAM THAT ROBOTIC ROVER INTO ITS STUPID SATELLITE CRUST UNTIL WE CAN HEAR THE SCREAMS OF MOON PAIN FROM SPACE. I mean, whatever, do what you feel like, but, you know, if [...]
"The 'Rising Moon' lights up in Hong Kong ahead of the Mid-autumn festival. The 10-meter or 32-foot high dome was created to celebrate the night when the moon is at its roundest and brightest."
How do you make slideshows even more pointless? Add moon.
"What would happen to the Earth if the moon was destroyed?" Apart from the MASSIVE REJOICING and WAVE OF GOOD FEELINGS BROUGHT FORTH UPON THE LAND, pretty much nothing. Things would get a little wobbly, but it seems like a fair trade-off. NOW can we destroy the moon? Please?
The wonderful news that NASA is deliberately crashing two space probes into the moon is tempered somewhat by the fact that this is actually an attempt to be a more careful steward of that useless satellite's surface. While we have been using the moon as a garbage dump for years—because that's the only thing it's good for—now the agency is concerned that the junk we quite rightly chuck onto that stupid rock might "come to rest in a historically significant place, like on Neil Armstrong’s footprints." You can IMAGINE how I feel about that. PAVE THE WHOLE GODDAMN THING ALREADY.
"NASA has some projects in the works when it comes to space exploration, but they're no big deal: Just grabbing an asteroid and throwing it at the moon, sending people to Mars and laying the groundwork for permanent human settlements in the solar system."
We all know what time the Super Bowl starts, whether it's here in New York City or in other, less important places, but there's one question nobody has asked: what time does the Super Bowl start… on the moon? The answer will shock and surprise you! And also confuse you!
The answer: 46-11-27 ∇ 10:43:09, according to the helpful site Lunarclock. Haha look at those weird numbers and that triangle thing in the middle! What!
Now that NASA is using lasers to communicate with the moon, can we use those very same lasers to blow it the fuck up? The moon, I mean. I ask so little of you people, would it kill you to support me in my dream of seeing us destroy the moon? I mean, Christmas is coming. Come on. Just think about it is all I'm asking.
"The lunar cycle affects the night sky, the tides and even the fertility of certain marine species. And it turns out, we can add your shuteye to the list. According to a new study, humans sleep poorly on nights near a full moon."
"Lune is a game about reflection and solitude which lets you control the Moon." —Can you CRASH IT INTO THE EARTH? Because that is the only way I might be interested.
"[A]ccording to NASA, a highly unusual 'Tetrad' – four successive total 'blood-red' lunar eclipses each followed by six full moons – will, indeed, start next Tuesday and finish on September 28 2015. The incredible alignment has only happened a handful of times in the last two thousand years but, remarkably, on each of the last three occasions it has coincided with a globally significant religious event."
"Knowing how the Moon was made is central to understanding Earth and the formation of other planets. Since the 1980s, work on lunar origins has focused on the 'giant-impact' theory. This proposes that the collision of another planet-sized body with the forming Earth generated a disk of debris that coalesced into the Moon. Such giant collisions were common in the Solar System during the final stages of Earth's formation 4.5 billion years ago. But we still do not understand in detail how an impact could have produced our Earth and Moon," says some [...]
"Improved age data for the Moon suggests that it is much younger than previously believed according to scientists presenting at a Royal Society discussion meeting entitled Origins of the Moon this week. Professor Richard Carlson of the Carnegie Institution of Washington will say that Earth's Moon is more likely between 4.4 and 4.45 billion years old rather than 4.56 billion years old, as previously thought." [Via]
Is this "the ultimate moon shot"? As it doesn't show the moon being exploded into millions of little stupid moon pieces that will then float off into space unmourned, never to reassemble themselves, I'm going to say "no," but your mileage may vary.
"An explosion caused by a meteoroid impact on the moon a couple of months ago was visible from Earth with the naked eye, according to Science@NASA. But don’t worry if you didn’t catch it — it was only noticeable for a moment." —Ugh, they are totally right about the way desensitization happens. It used to be that a simple video of the moon getting walloped by space would have kept me sated for days, but after years of poring over each and every frame of hot rock-on-moon action it barely registers; I need something considerably more graphic and extended to excite me now.
"If we can mine asteroids, why not paint the Moon to make it brighter?" —Why not indeed? Let's make that bitch look like a circus clown that other clowns are like, "Oh my God, how much make-up is that clown wearing, what a CLOWN WHORE." I'll trowel on the first coat myself!