New York City's greatest administrator, Parks & Rec Commish Adrian Benepe, has folded or wadded in the face of the bizarre Coney Island toilet-paper rationing disaster. (Workers or their superiors took it upon themselves to ration out toilet-paper.) Today Benepe comes out swinging: "It's our business to help New Yorkers do theirs." THAT'S GOOD STUFF. As we have noted before at length, Benepe is responsible for much of the recent beautification of New York City. For instance, did you go down to the Hudson last night for the fireworks? (Surely you did, because apparently everyone was there, it looked like Cloverfield on the way home, with people [...]

The USO is urging Americans: "This Fourth of July, as we remember all those who fought for our independence, let's make sure the brave men and women who are defending our country today know how much their sacrifice means to us." The organization wants you to honor the troops this Independence Day so bad they are even spending your tax dollars to buy Google Ads against searches for "4th of July." And what better way is there to celebrate the rigors and risks of a life spent actually risking life in combat than to recreate PTSD in your own backyard for your children?

Why, you may have asked, do we keep telling you that there will be fireworks to see each weekend, and then, when you venture down to the river or up to the rooftop, you find no fireworks at all?

Malfeasance. Potentially mismanagement. Possibly even great evil. Perhaps even a deep-seated hatred of children?

According to (the recently dismembered) Time Out, Saturday, June 18th was to be "Children's Day NYC, at the South Street Seaport. (Not to be confused with Missing Children's Day, which is held on May 25th, and is totally different.) "More free family entertainment closes the day with the Target Fireworks Spectacular," they and many other [...]

To celebrate American freedom each year, straight men find ways to pull each others' pants down and shoot fireworks out of their behinds. It's very odd, don't you think? What does it mean? I would suggest that there's plenty of guys unable to sit down at work today, but that would presume that anyone has a job in America these days. Also, in the future, this will be considered a major new American art form. Like jazz.