The Awl

Svelte Americans Rip Into Their Big-Bottomed Compatriots

Alex Balk — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 11:00:34 +0000

Skinny Americans have had it with their overweight countrymen, and will no longer take being put-or, in the case of airplane accommodations, sat-upon without protest. "I am completely and utterly frustrated with rising healthcare costs due to the deluge of fat Americans taxing the healthcare system. I'm in shape and have been all my life because I don't soothe myself with food all day," says one angry thinnie, and he is echoed by a host of others whose pride in their self-control (and good genetics, although that goes unsaid) is a major factor in the derision they pour upon their tubby neighbors like so much corn syrup down a fat man's gullet. But there is another reason beyond physical discomfort in confined spaces or the unpleasant experience of having to see an avalanche of muffin tops on every corner that is fueling the war on the weighty.

"In our society, being heavy has become more of a stigma lately because we're struggling with other issues of consumption," says Abigail Saguy, associate professor of sociology at UCLA.

The economic climate, a recent history of people buying more than they can afford as well as environmental issues, including the depletion of our planet's resources, are making people feel more angry about society's overconsumption, she says. Obviously overweight people are an easy target.

"They're almost a caricature of greed, overconsumption, overspending, over-leveraging and overusing resources," says Saguy. "Though it's not entirely rational, it's an understandable reaction, especially in a country founded on the Puritan ethics of self-reliance, sacrifice and individual responsibility. If people feel they're sacrificing, then see someone spilling over an airplane seat, they feel angry that that person is not making the same sacrifices they are."

That's right, lardass, every time you reach for that box of Snackwells that you will eat in one sitting-assuming you have some kind of furniture large enough to allow your massive carcass to attain a recumbent position-you are KILLING THE PLANET. Or at least that's what the skinny people think, and we all know how virtuous they are.

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Ladies: Your Ass Looks Big In This Relationship

Alex Balk — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 11:00:09 +0000

Listen up, all you broads who are worried about your figure: Some study says that living with a man will make you catch fat. You'll gain even more weight if you have his babies, but just by virtue of sharing space with him you're going to pack on the pounds. Still, with research showing that even spinsters who no man could love manage to put on a ten-spot weightwise, is it really fair to blame men for the inevitable enlargening of the fairer sex? Yeah, why not? They pretty much ruin everything else, might as well put this one on their tab too.

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Smoking Finally Better For You Than Something Else

Alex Balk — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 09:00:26 +0000

Good news, smokers: You are no longer the group whose disgusting habits put you at the most risk of disease and death! Nope, you've been overtaken by the fatties, whose potato-skin-guzzling ways "now cause as much or more disease than tobacco, and do as much or more to shorten healthy lifespans," according to researchers. So maybe it's time to amp up your smoking a bit: It'll keep you thin, which basically means it's totally healthy!

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Critic: Regular Models Not Chubby, Homely Enough

Alex Balk — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 11:50:01 +0000

"They may be women from real life, but they are not ugly or fat."
-The fashion critic for Germany's Frankfurter Allgemeine Sonntagszeitung is unimpressed by women's magazine Brigitte, which has vowed to only use amateur models in its pages from now on. While Brigitte's editors claim that the policy is aimed at curbing anorexia and providing more realistic images of women, detractors see it as "effectively a PR campaign aimed at boosting the magazine's falling circulation of just under 700,000."

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We Should Stop Making Fun Of (And Feeding) Fat People

Alex Balk — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 10:10:35 +0000

Does it make me a terrible person that I find this entire segment hysterical? Probably. But as we know, laughing at fat people is this week's "last acceptable prejudice," so I'm gonna get in on some of that sweet tubby-mocking while I still can.

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Wikipedia: Citation Needed. Only Sorta.

Mary HK Choi — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 13:40:47 +0000

So everybody knows that Wikipedia is a fun tool not to be used for actual, real research but a widget that makes nouns and verbs do entertaining things like when you ask an 80-year-old, first-generation emigrÃƒÂ© of a non-English speaking country why a certain episode of Entourage should go before another episode of Entourage in the grand tapestry of narrative arcs that is this season. But apparently, the online encyclopedia that everyone can modify is trying to, you know, change things. First they locked certain pages to where you can't just go and declare that Barry Obama only eats with tiny, baby cutlery like it was one time written somewhere about Victoria Beckham and/or Melanie Brown and now they're trotting out something called WikiTrust, which highlights the background of certain information, kinda like how Men's Health does when they want you to pay real good attention to which cities have the fattest people (eat them; not them!).

A nice, shrill orange has been selected to be the color of liars, an orange that will fade on a gradation based on the reliability of the information until it is white. The most trustworthy color of them all. Always. In life. And people over 30.

The grade of orange is based on an algorithm of how long you've been down with Wikipedia, how often you throw stuff on there and how long the masses let it live on the Internets for. Thankfully this crackerjack system makes it still possible for all of us to still have fanficfun with Wikipedia in the nature my God intended by lying on a broad number of esoteric topics really frequently OR make normative declarations consistent with the beliefs of a certain faction. Mmmm...groupthink. Third Reich best reich? True!

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Obesity: As American As Frito Pie

Alex Balk — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 15:25:02 +0000

Unless you are living in Colorado, you are probably a fat piece of shit, according to a study from the Trust for America's Health and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. The report finds that most of you are "anthropomorphosized tubs of lard" who "can barely find the broken button hiding below your enormous gut" with which to seal the "gigantic khaki tents you refer to as 'pants'." Noting that "you are gonna die from being such a massive tub of processed chemicals and flavoring agents," the study suggests maybe you try "standing up and actually walking to the TV to change the channel rather than using the remote, because God knows that's the only exercise you're going to get," adding, "You fat fuck." I have included video in this post because it seems the heftiest American citizens come from Mississippi and Alabama, and, well, you know, the whole "literacy" thing. Anyway, lemme run, I'm late for my post-lunch/pre-dinner snack, and you don't wanna find out how irritable I get when I miss that.

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