The Awl

You Have Beautiful Tubby Eyes

Alex Balk — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:51:19 +0000

Police in Peru have arrested five members of a gang suspected of killing people for their fat, which they would drain from the victims' bodies and sell on the international black market as a treatment for wrinkles. While experts are skeptical that such a market exists, I don't think we should be so quick to dismiss it: Given the demographics of this country, this may in fact be the perfect method by which we subsidize health care.

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Jury Says Fat Man In Good Enough Shape

Alex Balk — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 09:40:28 +0000

Edward Ates, the fat man who tried to convince a New Jersey jury that he was too obese to commit the crime of murder, was found guilty of killing his son-in-law.

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Fat Man Hopes To Sway Jury Of His Peers

Alex Balk — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 16:00:42 +0000

To the frontiers of justice: "A Florida man accused of killing his son-in-law in New Jersey is arguing that he was unable to commit the crime because he was too fat." The unfortunately-or perhaps fortuitously, if you're his defense attorney-named Edward Ates will testify that his massive girth would have prevented him from running up and down a set of stairs where the murder occurred. "When the battered-wife defense was first used, it was considered abhorrent and bizarre. Jurors may be open to this in a society that talks about the infirmities that that obesity causes," says a noted trial lawyer. Okay!

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Who Are America's Tubbiest Governors?

Alex Balk — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 09:20:43 +0000

In the wake of New Jersey's whole "Chris Christie: Too enormous to be governor?" controversy, Your Geeky Boyfriend Nate Silver runs down the nation's 50 chief executives and rates their fitness. Sample: "Bill Richardson (NM) — fat; possibly getting fatter." Clip and save!

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We Should Stop Making Fun Of (And Feeding) Fat People

Alex Balk — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 10:10:35 +0000

Does it make me a terrible person that I find this entire segment hysterical? Probably. But as we know, laughing at fat people is this week's "last acceptable prejudice," so I'm gonna get in on some of that sweet tubby-mocking while I still can.

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Struggling Networks To Turn TVs Into Mirrors

Alex Balk — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 14:50:52 +0000

How can the networks boost their faltering ratings? By putting more lardasses on TV! But they've got to be sensitive in the way they portray their tubby demographic; contrary to popular opinion, not all fat people are jolly. Ad Age looks at the problem.

With the reality that two-thirds of Americans are overweight or obese, according to government data, it makes sense that they — and their stories — are better reflected on network TV. But despite the inspirational, life-changing challenge of 'The Biggest Loser,' some critics say overweight characters are often portrayed simply as losers, which may alienate some of the very people the networks need to reach to regain their commercial, let alone their cultural, heft.

Seriously, don't piss these people off. They will eat you.

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