86-year-old Senator Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) has received a diagnosis of stomach cancer following an incident in which he was hospitalized with a bleeding ulcer. The cancer is treatable, and the senator's spokesfolk say that Lautenberg will be just fine and still plans to run for re-election when his term expires in 2014. And he's keeping up with the news! "In recent days, Lautenberg had been in touch with his staff and was on the phone a short time ago discussing the [Very Bad Things done by a Very Famous Person], his aides said ." So there's that!

I'm confused. Why didn't they just go with "WOMEN ARE WHORES"?

This morning, a famous person held a press conference, in which he talked about himself. He said, while speaking about himself, that he'd been selfish.

BREAKING: A man will end nearly three months of silence Friday when he speaks for the first time about a thing that happened to him, after which other things that he had done came to light. The man will speak to a small group of trade reporters at 11 a.m. Friday from a room in a space where the man works occasionally in his chosen profession. "This is all about the next step," a representative of the man's business interests said. "He's looking forward to it." Everyone is very excited and curious about what the man will say. He must be very important.

"We should take a page out of her playbook and take a nine iron and smash the window out of big government." -Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty , speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference, suggests that conservatives should behave in a manner similar to the wife of a Very Famous Person when she discovered that he had done several Very Bad Things. Pawlenty did not go on to suggest that conservatives "fly a plane into the building of big government," but he totally should have.