Posts tagged as Ew
Now Every Room In Your House Can Smell Like Steam-Grilled Meat And Onions
Today's sign that maybe it's time to move on from the whole "Making Things That Smell Like Other Things" industry, because we have run out of nose-pleasing scents: the White Castle scented candle, which is shaped like the mini-burger-chain's paper wrappers and which when burned emits "the steam-grilled-on-a-bed-of-onions scent of America's first fast-food hamburger." Also, if you buy five of the $10-a-pop wax creations? You get a free air freshener. If you're the type of person who loves burgers, or just hates the idea of people lingering around your homestead for more than five minutes, this home-scent solution is perfect!
Staff Lunch Talk: What Makes a Good Porn Parody?
Maura: So...
Maura: I don't really know a lot about the topic, but are there more pornographic films that are "parodies" of other films now than before? Or do we just know about them more because of the internet etc?
Choire: Over to you, Alex.
Maura: Well the "Curb your Enthusiasm" porno trailer just hit, is why I ask. And the other day I saw a (very faithful! and seemingly high-budget!) trailer for the "Big Lebowski" porno?
Alex: Oh man. What is it called?
Maura: "This Ain't Curb Your Enthusiasm XXX"
Choire: Hustler's "This Ain't" line is pretty uninteresting to me? They just do one after the other and HONESTLY? Could they TRY A LITTLE?
Maura: They seem to be flooding the zone.
Alex: I think this is actually probably a good marketing strategy in an age where there's so much free porn available? Like, they know it'll go "viral."
Maura: Right.
Alex: And that some people will buy just for the joke value, etc.
Choire: Yup.
Alex: But also, does that title indicate that the movie is NOT xxx?
Alex: Or that it's not Curb Your Enthusiasm XXX?
Choire: Right? ENGLISH.
Choire: Also you know, most guys in straight porn are about as hot as Larry David.
Maura: They uglied up the Larry David guy.
Maura: They gave him yoda hair?
Alex: "Sorry, Jack Hammer. You are too attractive to convincingly portray Larry. We're going to need to mess with you a little."
Maura: The Lebowski one is a little interesting if only because of the porno within that particular film. Also, like I said, decent production values
Choire: Hustler really lost me at "Twilight of Virginity."
Choire: Although they got me back at "John and Kate Fuck 8."
Maura: Ew.
Alex: I wonder what they're going to do for "Babies."
Maura: Or "Buried."
Alex: Probably "Ass Babies."
Alex: Or they could just go with "This Ain't Babies XXX." Then it could be about anything!
The "Brief Safe" Seems Like A Crappy Way To Hide Your Valuables
"Items can be hidden right under their noses with these specially-designed briefs which contain a fly-accessed 4" x 10" secret compartment with Velcro closure and 'special markings' on the lower rear portion... even the most hardened burgler [sic!] or most curious snoop will "skid" to a screeching halt as soon as they see them." Oh yes, there's a photo. [Via]
American Girl Offers A Practical Lesson In The History Of Food Hygiene
The American Girl Cafe — where fans of the backstory-laden American Girl dolls can pay for the privilege of enjoying teatime (and actual food) with their poseable playmates– has reopened today after an outbreak of norovirus, the nasty stomach virus that can cause various types of digestive unpleasantness. The culprit is unknown at this point, but I like the idea of this being some grand prank played by the folks behind Garbage Pail Kids. ("Viral" marketing, right?)
Millions of Colds, Staph Infections, Deaths Traced To Apple Stores
- PR NEWSWIRE, FROM JAMA, APRIL 5, 2010: Literally 1 in 200 Americans reported illnesses, strange fungi, odd growths and various hacking coughs after visiting the iPad in its native environment of the Apple Store this weekend. The grubby filth magnet devices, pawed by the elderly and the young alike, were consistently 140% grosser than dollar bills in a taxi cab, scientists reported. While 300,000 were sold on Saturday, the rest remained on those tidy little Apple tables, to infect more visitors with left-behind skin contagions and bits of tween drool-phlegm. No but seriously, my favorite part of The Ritual Visiting of the iPads was the 8-year-old who said to his dad, "See, it's even got Microsoft Word" as he opened "Pages." [Photo by Robert Gaal.]
How To Ruin Valentine's Day For Straight People
Is Esquire just for men who hate women? Or is it just a sideline? Their Valentine's Day date ideas package... written by a woman... is stuffed with resentment and seething anger! So maybe this is some Valerie Solanas thing going on, where some rogue lady writer is trying to destroy heterosexualism? For the inert, useless Esquire reader, they have recommendations "For the Woman Expecting You to Propose" (give her a "spa day"! Because "It's no ring, but it's indulgent enough for her to brag about to her friends." Ha, prepare to die). There is the advice that you "Don't spend more than: $35 on a ton of good, cheap wine" which is "For the Woman Who Doesn't Want to Do Anything." And: "For the Clingy Girlfriend: An Hour of Ice Skating." (Um: "Why she'll like it: Hand-holding, hot chocolate, sweaters – it's you that might have the tough time here.") Also they suggest you take your "friend with benefits" to a strip bar. Lots of luck, fellas!
Holy Shit Julie Metz Is CRAZY
Emily Gould reads two books about love so you don't have to-the Christina Nehring brief history of romance and Julie Metz's crazy memoir. WARNING: the Metz book contains the sentence "I creamed the lacy panties I had bought for the occasion." Wow.
