Lent, Part One @12:05 PM
"Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against thee in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. For the sake of thy Son Jesus Christ, have mercy on us, because we'll probably do it again tomorrow."
Lent is tough for a teenager. From the pulpit, your pastor encourages you to give until it hurts, reminding the congregation in booming tones that no sacrifice is too small or too noble. After mass he says to you, "Jesus subsisted in the desert for 40 days off pure grace," his hand resting on your shoulder, light as a cinder block. Inspired (or guilted—you're never sure which) you commit to giving up masturbation, because it's one of those things you suspect you shouldn't be doing in the first place. Also, it's kind of boring now, which is why you recently started doing it in public restrooms. READ MORE 17
This Cat Looks Like This Other Cat @10:20 AM
THIS CAT was trapped in an SUV and driven across town. (Cat survived.)
THIS CAT was dressed up like a literary character for the New Yorker's "Critterati" photo contest, which is really a thing that is happening. (Cat may not survive.) 10
Underemployment Now 17% and Six Million Jobs Disappeared Since Last Summer @10:11 AM
A month ago, it was announced that 1 in 6 job-wanting, working age Americans are not working. Now it is closing in on 1 in 5. Who is surprised about this morning's new unemployment numbers? If so, you are a person who does not know anyone, perhaps you have been forced to live in a basement for decades and therefore miss all kinds of wonderful sporting events. Officially, now, unemployment is at 9.8%! The official unemployment rate for Latinos is 12.7%; for black folks, it is 15.4%. Between August and September, 807,000 new people were counted as "not in the labor force." (Also, unemployment rose in the 16 nations that use the Euro, to 9.6%.) There are, officially, 15.1 million working-type people in the U.S. without any job at all! Related: 100 banks went bankrupt this year, so far, more than four times the number that went bankrupt last year! But 13.5% of the population is unable, or has given up, looking for work, and the underemployment rate is now a whopping 17%. These are great times in which we live. And here is an interesting footnote! 53,000 government jobs disappeared in September alone. 9
Local Currency Is Selfish Plan To Ruin America @12:20 PM
It is the beginning of the end, perhaps, the introduction of a local currency in towns like Pittsboro, North Carolina. There, you can exchange this homegrown currency for "Custom Mosaic Individual and Couples Counseling" and "Technical Tree Climbing Tutoring." Then you can only spend that currency at the local organic bread store, thus ensuring that the bailed-out U.S. banking system cannot utilize your cash, and destroying America. Actually what is wrong with this plan is that it is an aggregated barter system! And real barter systems—ask the lesbian communes of Australia!—work just fine and really we should all be doing them. 7
PARK OUTRAGE: HSBC Ad Campaign and the Lawyers Have Taken Over Madison Square Park @1:30 PM
What follows is a picture of the legal disclaimer that you "sign" just by walking into one of New York City's fine public spaces today: Madison Square Park. This is it! This is the moment that the machines and the lawyers have taken over, creating a Bloombergian cyst of revoltingness! (The lawn of the park, by the way, is closed, so don't try to use your public space today, because the CITY HAS SOLD IT TO HSBC.) What is going on is that the bank called HSBC is having what they call a "soapbox" thing where you, the "park attendee," stand in a kiosk, in front of a picture of a baby or a gadget or a nuclear power plant and explain to cameras how it makes you feel, while you are digesting your Shake Shack burger. THEN THEY WILL MAKE ADS OUT OF YOU. READ MORE 16
The Shadow Editors: Matt Taibbi Has A Bad Pottymouth @5:38 PM
Tom Scocca: Am I the only one who sort of wishes that nice Matt Taibbi wouldn't use all those swear words?
Choire Sicha: YES.
Choire Sicha: I FEEL THE SAME.
Choire Sicha: I was like, "You wrote a letter to the Wall Street Journal saying 'fellatio'? Ugh!"
Tom Scocca: Right? The letter needed not to say "fellatio."
Tom Scocca: (Why does iChat not recognize "fellatio" as a word? What is chat software FOR?) READ MORE 13
Hermes Now Breeding Own Purse-Crocodiles In Australia @9:50 AM
"French luxury goods group Hermes has resorted to breeding its own crocodiles on farms in Australia to try to meet demand for its leather bags, its chief executive said on Monday…. Hermes already faces a major challenge producing 3,000 crocodile bags a year, [Patrick] Thomas said, adding: 'The world is not full of crocodiles, except the stock exchange!'" 6
Tina Brown And CEOs: Deep In Denial About The Death Of Publishing @12:00 PM
Book Expo America is upon the epically embattled publishing industry once again. Things really heat up today and tomorrow—this is at the Javits Center, over at the ass end of Manhattan—with author signings and discussions like "Book Reviews 2010: What Will They Look Like." But the most attended event at the slower Thursday session was a panel of four publishing CEOs. It was moderated by former New Yorker editor, founder and editor of The Daily Beast, and ACTUAL BOOK AUTHOR Tina Brown. Elegant in pink, Brown's role was Emissary of New Media—"I now run an Internet site," she said helpfully—to the lovable but philistine Print Masses. READ MORE 5
America Craves 'Angels And Demons' @10:00 AM
46% of all Fandango ticket sales yesterday were for Angels & Demons. Americans want to know the truth about the secret cabal (NATO) that is running the World Bank and the Vatican! 9
Jared Kushner FIRES CLEANING WOMAN @3:32 PM
Jared Kushner, the publisher of the New York Observer, has fired the paper's long-time cleaning woman, according to multiple sources at the paper. Who buys an (over-priced) $3.225 million two-bedroom in the same month they fire a 60-something-year-old Eastern European cleaning woman? And also, not to be too practical, but: who is taking out the trash? "No one" is the word from inside. We assume he'll just add the Observer's space to a cleaning contract for some of this other buildings—just like he consolidated the back-office staff between his business. This is where I'd normally say something about how he must be a good person because he spends money on having a newspaper but I don't have it in me right now. 5
Sotheby's Spreads Out Its Diamonds For The Masses @11:05 AM
Sotheby's started its own line of diamond jewelry three and a half years ago and for the first three years it performed tremendously. Much less so now! It is a partnership between the auction house and Steinmetz Diamond Group, which is DeBeers' number one customer. READ MORE 4
Face-Tracking Is Coming (Along With A Metal Boot In The Face) @5:27 PM
TOTAL INFORMATION AWARENESS B/W RISE OF THE MACHINES. 0
GM To Take The Summer Off @8:09 PM
Guess what, no one wants to buy your busted-ass cars! "General Motors Corp. is planning to temporarily close most of its U.S. factories for up to nine weeks this summer." So here is the deal. Companies like GM are almost of no interest to us snooty folks who live in places like New York. Except: they have to be, because the repercussions—not only for the enormous amount of employees for the company but also for their suppliers and their vendors and then their overseas employees—are enormous. This is why we have to pay attention to these boring dull things: because when a couple of cities get burned down this summer, you will totally want to be prepared for that. 8
Pretty Much No More Freelancing At The 'Times' @12:02 PM
You will never freelance for the Times again, J-school young'uns: according to executive editor Bill Keller today, "the freelance budget, as planned, will be cut significantly because of these moves and that it will 'save millions of dollars—savings that would otherwise have to come out of payroll.'" 0
AIR LASERS OF UK DEATH! @1:15 PM
UK POLICE FIGHTING FOR THEIR LIVES IN THE AIR AGAINST BLINDING DEATH-LASERS! 1
The American way of death @2:28 PM
There's nothing like the headline "Deadly Rampages Rack the Nation" to add a little extra "ugh" to your Monday morning, is there? Hopefully things are better across the pond! Or, uh, not. 0
