And here is what the gays are really saying about Eclipse, which really is a movie that doesn't make a lot of internal sense when you view it through any lens except that of intense lady-tween sexual longing and the madness of adolescence: "The vampire army! It was led by a kid named Riley, who looked exactly like Brandon Teena as played by Hilary Swank. This is the first time outside of gay porn in which I have encountered someone named Riley." Also? "This franchise is 'subverting' the genre by giving the vampires sparkly skin and bodies that are apparently made of fragile glass while still maintaining [...]

After a stock shot from a helicopter-mounted camera zooming over green woods towards a lake nestled in the mountains, the characters of the Twilight saga once again come stumbling forth to present drama and turn into wolves and, apparently, get engaged to vampires. The script, chopped up for the trailer, is a mix of dramatic statement and narrative exposition. To understand it in written form, you would need to have completed the third grade, according to readability tests.

Obviously I was taken to see Eclipse because my friend knows me well enough to know that, not only have I read the series, and seen the other movies, but I also have thoughts about both. Mostly these thoughts are about Mormon sexuality and anti-abortion propaganda, but also about how I give Robert Pattinson credit for wanting to be a good actor, and how I have nothing but empathy for how bonkers his life must be. Anyway, that's not what I want to talk about. What I want to talk about is wigs.

What do young women really talk about when they talk about The Twilight Saga: Eclipse? We asked experts Mary HK Choi and Natasha Vargas-Cooper to fill us in. Warning: contains spoilers, multiple pop culture references and graphic sexual language! Their analysis may also cause sudden-onset epilepsy in people under 18 or over 33.

Natasha Vargas-Cooper: What are your loins telling you about Twilight Part 3. Sparklequest?

Mary HK Choi: WELLZ. I LOVED it!

Natasha: It was exactly what I desired.

Mary: EXACTLY.

Mary: Plus? The dialogue was better this time.

Mary: Last time, I had to re-up my understandingness and suspension of disbelief every 6 seconds [...]