Awl columnist D.R. Adams is on a brief Internet sabbatical. (COLOR ME JEALOUS, HEATHER.) He will be communicating via something called "the mail." (If you remember, the mail is where you used to get "the checks," back when you had a job!) What follows is our commissioning of a column, which will be published next week, whenever the fine people at the U.S.P.S. allow. Now if you will excuse me, I must go find some "stamps."