Oh, man, remember how much you hated the Bush administration, and how you felt like, "Once that is over everything will finally get good again" and then everything stayed shit and somehow actually got worse? Here: This will help you recall the simpler times, when hate was all you needed to give you hope.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney told a caller on a radio show that his telling Pat Leahy (D-VT) to "fuck yourself" on the floor of the United States Senate was "sort of the best thing I ever did." A quick perusal of Cheney's other credits indicates that this is a remarkably accurate assessment.
Now, I'm no professional journalist or anything. I didn't go to J-school, I don't spell "lead" the right way, and I hate talking to people on the phone, but even with all those qualifications I've got to think this would be the time where you, I dunno, asked a follow-up? "Cheney was asked if he thinks the Bush administration bears any responsibility for the disintegration of Afghanistan because of the attention and resources that were diverted to Iraq. 'I basically don't,' he replied without elaborating."
"The activities of the CIA in carrying out the policies of the Bush Administration were directly responsible for defeating all efforts by al Qaeda to launch further mass casualty attacks against the United States. … President Obama's decision to allow the Justice Department to investigate and possibly prosecute CIA personnel, and his decision to remove authority for interrogation from the CIA to the White House, serves as a reminder, if any were needed, of why so many Americans have doubts about this Administration's ability to be responsible for our nation's security." -Former Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to the news that the administration might ask a couple [...]
"Former vice president Richard B. Cheney personally oversaw at least four briefings with senior members of Congress about the controversial interrogation program, part of a secretive and forceful defense he mounted throughout 2005 in an effort to maintain support for the harsh techniques used on detainees." I guess this is kind of a big deal, but I will be much more impressed when the news comes out that Cheney personally oversaw at least four controversial interrogations. I bet his scary grunts took on a weirdly sexual overtone during each waterboarding.
"The Obama administration has turned down former Vice President Dick Cheney's request for the declassification of two CIA reports on the effectiveness of the Agency's detainee program." These memos are currently being reviewed in two different Freedom of Information Act-related suits-including the hilariously-named Amnesty International v. CIA.
"Cheney was a dick in several ways. He was always late, 15 min at least. He never saluted except in one occasion when there was mass publicity. He was always grouchy and left a mess in the helicopter. Also, part of our job was making sure the back of the plane was stocked with snacks and whatnot and he would take every packet of peanuts he could find! I even tested it one time and I put 12 packs, 12!, in the back…all gone." [Via]
Apparently former Vice President Dick Cheney had "a mild heart attack," which would seem to indicate that he actually has a heart. Not buying it!
In D.C., there's always room for one more. So the news that Mary Cheney wants to go into business with her family at a new firm is unsurprising, because, well why not go face-down into the trough, you pigs? Said a coworker of Mary Cheney's: "It's going to be a firm like Kissinger Associates." (Oh yes, the firm at which Tim Geithner spent the mid-late 80s!) This is amusing, because one has many reasons-eight long years of reasons, including the discovery that Dick Cheney was still a private industry operator even while he was residing in the Naval Observatory-to suspect that the Cheneys, in their marvelous, brash way, [...]
Everybody's angry today! Former Vice President Dick Cheney is angry with George W. Bush for turning into a pussy during the end of his second term. The Catholic Church is angry with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi for his arrogant and mortifying behavior with hookers and underage girls. Matt Drudge is PISSED about faltering retail sales. And Karl Rove is angry with Barack Obama for "exaggerations, misdirection and efforts to divide Americans", or, as Karl likes to refer to it, "stealing my bit." People, people… where is the love?
Meghan McCain is PISSED OFF: "# Hey Washington Monthly, so it's only important to speak out for marriage equality if your an old man?"
This morning the New York Times hinted that Dick Cheney was still working on his memoir, even while he decides whether to get a heart transplant. Well, that makes sense: because while it was originally slated for this spring, we've learned that Dick Cheney's memoir will now not arrive until August 30th of this year. Cheney will find himself in good company. Other books from the Simon and Schuster imprint, Threshold Editions, to be released this year include, in July, Pamela Geller's The Post-American Presidency, which "critically examines the Obama administration’s ominous and revealing moves against our basic freedoms, particularly as he seizes control of the three [...]
Um, silver lining, I guess? "President Barack Obama would beat Republican Dick Cheney by a sizable margin in a hypothetical presidential match-up-but 35% of likely voters said they would choose the former Vice President over the current President (49%) and another 14% said they would pick someone else, a new Zogby Interactive poll shows." They should also poll Obama against the character Mo'Nique plays in Precious. I bet he would destroy her.
I will say this for Dick Cheney: His ability to deride Attorney General Eric Holder's decision to investigate torture as "an act of politics" with a straight face is rather impressive. Cheney does not accept that Holder is acting independently, which makes sense since it is probably inconceivable to Cheney that any Attorney General might act independently.
The Washington Post has chosen not to run the current series of comic strip "Tank McNamara" because it includes "a storyline in which – for some reason – Dick Cheney advises NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to kill quarterback Michael Vick." (See it here.) This raises a very important question: Are there any regular daily newspaper comics that are actually funny these days? I'm genuinely curious. Also, say "Mallard Fillmore" and die.
Dick Cheney wants new blood. (Yep, have at that one.) The former Vice President believes that "some of the older folks who've been around a long time-like yours truly-need to move on and make room for that young talent that's coming along." Cheney, now entering the fourth month of his No Apologies Media Tour, made the statement yesterday in a North Dakota radio interview. Then he waterboarded his lawn.