Posts Tagged: David Petraeus
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The Year In Cheating

2012 was the worst year ever for infidelity in America. I know that because I am American, and in 2012, my boyfriend cheated on me. Not only that, my boyfriend cheated on me and I had to recover from it in complete anonymity. Robert Pattinson, cheated on by Kristen Stewart, was invited to unpack this experience on "The Jon Stewart Show." I was not. Someone shot a video of Scott Broadwell in his darkest hour, after his wife Paula's affair with General David Petraeus was revealed, walking with somber solidity to his brother-in-law’s house, while Paula gripped his arm with an assuring sense of ownership. No such video exists of [...]

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Sexy Petraeus Scandal Vaguely Reminds America of 11-Year-War In Afghanistan

David Petraeus is snide gnome with a toupée hairstyle, and he is not even very good at winning wars—his military career can be accurately described as a draw in Iraq and total defeat in Afghanistan. As his personal scandal of marital infidelity involves ever more civilian women, shirtless FBI agents sexting those women, fellow commanders in Afghanistan, and the entire state of Florida, perhaps we will take a pause in our race for additional sleazy details to ask additional, important questions that are also about as sexy as a 60-year-old man with his pants off.

5

The Only Lesson From the Petraeus Scandal Is About Email Habits

The head of the CIA and former commander of the war in Afghanistan has fallen in a tawdry scandal involving marital infidelity, leaked national security secrets, weird FBI agents and a whole network of high-level grifters in Florida. What can we learn from this huge, bizarre conspiracy at the very top of the national security state? Watch out for that crafty "send" button on the email program! Especially if you're 60 years old, like David Petraeus. According to the important morning program The Today Show, older people must constantly watch out for the young people's Hotmail.

There’s a valuable lesson everyone can learn from the scandal involving CIA Director [...]

6

Foxconn Replacing Troublesome Humans With "FoxBot" Robots

The world runs a little bit more smoothly without troublesome humans mucking up the works. Consider the least sexy sex scandal of all time, 60-year-old David Patraeus and his various middle-aged twin Florida gal pals and wives and shirtless old FBI agents trying to figure out this whole "sexting" business. Why not just have drones do the war fightin', right? OH WAIT THIS IS OBAMA'S PLAN.

Meanwhile, in China, there is trouble at the factories that produce our beloved iPhones and iPads and those iDevices currently manufactured in a compromise size between that of the iPhone and the iPad. The workers want the jobs, because of the [...]