And on the eighth day, God looked down on his planned paradise and said, "I need a caretaker." So God made a farmer.

God said, "I need somebody willing to get up before dawn and call his state senator to complain about expensive new slurry pit legislation, spend all day with his ag lobby board strategizing about more laws against private raw milk sales, take that state senator out for steak and wine at dinner, and then go to town and stay past midnight at a meeting of the school board at the school he wants to eliminate with a voucher program." So God made a farmer.

Anyone attempting to rob the grave of the late Frito-Lay executive Arch West will get the same unpleasant surprise as millions of Americans have when they've lifted up the cushions in the couch in the TV room while looking for quarters to do laundry or tip a pizza delivery guy. West, who died on Tuesday in Dallas at the age of 97, invented Doritos, and when he is buried this weekend, according to a statement issued by his daughter, his family will honor him by "tossing Doritos chips in before they put the dirt over the urn." (Also, though, in light of this Doritos commercial from a [...]

Above, a new pro-vegetarian spot from the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine that's making explicit the link between fast-food consumption and heart disease. Like, really explicit: The corpse at the center the ad died gettin' his burger on, as evidenced by the Big Mac Of Death that remains in his hand while a woman weeps over his lifeless body.

"With regard to precipitous heights, if you are beforehand with your adversary, you should occupy the raised and sunny spots, and there wait for him to come up." —The Art of War, Sun Tzu (1772)

One morning in 1978 three men, painted entirely in black and crouched atop a crudely fashioned raft, floated down the pale-blue river that spills down from the Fluoristan mountain range. The current carried the men swiftly, bringing them ever closer to the gleaming white walls of the floating city. Once there the men set to work with sledgehammers and pickaxes. Discovering them, a sentry called out to the city's protectors, who, with the aid [...]

It starts innocently enough. A dude gets a free sandwich from seemingly nowhere. On a plate. He hasn't even asked for a plate but he gets one anyway. Then his pals abduct a housepants'ed neighbor. Well, the viewer might raise an eyebrow but she herself doesn’t seem that bothered by it, this Girl from 4E. She even gives a pleased smile to the gent next to her. I mean, the power to be summoned and transported between apartments of a building must be frightening, but perhaps it leaves you a little giddy too. A sort of teleportation brand of Stockholm Syndrome. Like whoa, I'm euphoric from [...]

People have been wondering for a long time what comes after anti-marketing marketing. When commercials began to target the people who hated commercials-these attempts were almost indistinguishable from SNL spoofs-it seemed like we'd reached the final frontier. Then there were stealth viral vids and customized social media ads straight out of Minority Report. But it wasn't until this week that somebody finally put it all together. I won't insult the effectiveness of this campaign by pretending you don't know what I'm talking about.

What exactly is going on in that new Kodak Gallery commercial? A creepy piano tinkles as a little girl and a grandma shout to each other across the span of an absurdly large couch. Little girl says something stupid, grandma laughs at her stupidity. But the mood darkens when little girl asks grandma, "Were you ever in love?" Grandma answers with a cryptic, "Well…" The music intensifies, takes on an almost maniacal quality. Then the little girl says something about magic sea horses, grandma seems confused and, wait a minute-that couch is definitely getting smaller! Is this like an Alice In Wonderland thing? Or they're trying to convey the horror [...]

Fellow Americans, what do you look for in a commercial voiceover? Something non-threatening and reassuring? Maybe something slightly overbearing but ultimately avuncular? Portentous but knowingly so? Sure. Any of those would be a correct answer. A sane answer, even a patriotic one. But most certainly of all a non-Britannic answer. After five years of living in Britain and Ireland and watching shedloads of native television, I can attest that these days the British are tending toward something more unsettling in their commercials.

So here is a terrifying new scientific advance: using electrodes surgically implanted in the brains of medical patients, a UCLA neuroscientist named Dr. Moran Cerf says he has successfully monitored people's thoughts.

"When Frank Sutton bit into his sandwich, scalding grease 'flew all over his mouth,' a fellow diner recalled. Mr. Sutton's wife took ice from her drink and applied it to his face, but his lips blistered. When he told one of the employees, he testified that she said 'this is what happens' to the sandwiches 'when they aren't drained completely.'" -Apparently, the obesity epidemic is not working fast enough for the folks at McDonald's, who are always coming up with new and better ways to hurt people with fried chicken. Makes those Olympics commercials suggesting the world's top athletes maintain their supreme physical fitness by eating french [...]