According to one commenter:

When I am thanking a person for a service rendered because he or she is employed to perform that service, a response of "no problem" indicates to me that I may have had an excessive expectation. If a restaurant server is paid and tipped to bring me a meal, why should I be assured that it wasn't an inconvenience to do so?

That is because you're a jackass. Isn't life is too short to (a) split hairs, semantically, over what a waiter or even a T-Mobile customer support specialist said to you, and (b) be offended by whatever it was? Especially when "it" was the server's (feeble) attempt at what they believe is politeness? And in that case, isn't it actually rude to dwell on "it," and then passive aggressively correct this server, later on, in the comments section of an online article of a newspaper? Isn't that "excessive" fucked-up-edness on the level of whomever does stuff like this should get multiple swirlies in the toilet of a bus occupied by the aging German pop-metal band The Scorpions after they have all had the stomach flu for 72-96 hours and have stubbornly refused to quit eating Thai food?

To me hearing "no problem" from a server means that I am most likely dining at a fine family-style chain restaurant (like the one my friend and former boss Walt Fruttinger owns in Bozeman) within a half mile radius of a state school, and will likely hear the inhabitants of my table addressed as "guys," regardless of our gender(s), on multiple occasions following that. Will I be offended? No. Not for long, at least. Why? Because I am there to eat the living fuck out of some fajitas, not to lay the groundwork for my linguistics dissertation.

I am thankful that someone else will listen to me fumble through the process of ordering food (getting all Type-A about my egg whites), and someone else will cook a meal for me, and then someone else (actually maybe that first someone) will bring that meal to me, on dishes that I will never wash, let alone carry to someone else's industrial dishwasher when I am finished eating. I will wad up my napkin, chew a toothpick into homely little wooden slivers, place them next to my meager tip and then leave without needing counseling because someone said "no problem" to me.

"No problem" tells me that my server will do whatever it is I've asked of them again and again, no matter what obstacles they have to encounter. "No problem" tells me that even though their father is an alcoholic and did not come home until dawn that day, they won't bring their anxiety about it to my meal. "No problem" tells me that even though they had to wake up the cook and hand-scrub the feces out from underneath his fingernails, they will get me my calamari (with some faux-exotic dippin' sauce) tout suite. And with a smile, and, sure... with the awkward bubble of informality cause by "no problem." Big deal.

And again we hear from a Times commenter, one Jane Duber:

"thank some one [sic] and they respond "No problem". is it just me, or does this magnify the importance of what I thanked them for? Or, lots of times, I am the one being polite, as in, it is them doing their job, it better not be a problem."

Okay, well, Ms. Duber, as long as we're getting things off of our chest, could I trouble you to make your comment somewhat grammatically correct? Sure, my grammar here kind of sucks, too, but yours is worse, and your comment is written so carelessly that it tells me (the reader, someone who would have maybe even agreed with you in another universe) you don't give a rat's ass about me, you just want to foist your moronic thoughts into my goddamn computer.

The only time I don't want to hear "no problem" is if a chimp rips my face off and I live but my repaired face still looks like a NERF basketball that German Shepherd puppies have played with, and my surgeon is all nonchalant about getting me on the mend. Sorry, but I am going on Oprah, while she is still on the air, and you are writing a book and possibly appearing on a Bravo or Discovery special, so take your "no problem" and jam it in someone else's soup hole.

And here's from that one guy's story:

41. Saying, "No problem" is a problem. It has a tone of insincerity or sarcasm. "My pleasure" or "You're welcome" will do.

Okay. I actually hate everyone who works in restaurants and has attempted to provide customer service to anyone ever in history. I hate that when I go into Starbucks these days they get unhappy if I don't relegate my first choice into the trash bin and take that shitty, shitty, shitty, terrible VIA crud off their hands. I don't want it. Fuck you. Die now. But, the "no problem" thing? I have no problem with that, guys. And because I have no problem with that, I would stuff anyone who does have a problem with that in a woodchipper. Just like in Fargo. And then I would turn it on. And that is why this column is called the Woodchipper.

Claude Vordell is a former manager of an Applebee's in Bozeman, MT.

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