I jumped the gun a little bit on August 27, when I very nearly believed for real that Citigroup stock would hit $5. And on April 14, when I hoped it would maybe happen that quarter. BUT GUESS WHAT! After announcing they'd sell off their hedge fund biz, the stock is hopping around at $4.94 to $4.99 this morning. Who's too big to fail? Whoooo is? Who let the banks out! Who? Who who who? AND THEN, at about 10:05 a.m., it hit $5! And then went down to $4.99. And then it hit $5.05, after a spike in volume! WHERE IT IS SORT OF HOLDING [...]

Citigroup's quarterly results, announced this morning, are a huge pile of bullshit. That the New York Times would headline their story "After Year of Heavy Losses, Citigroup Finds a Profit" is fairly dubious-although "finds" is hilarious. That's because Citi actually went out and found a way to make it look like they had a profit. We found a great explanation of what Citi did, in a toss-off by John Carney during the earnings conference call.

You guys! It's finally happening! I know I have been beating this drum since April, but, but, but, Citigroup stock (your own personal stake in the finance world, sadly and suspiciously removed from the DOW this summer) is going to magically break free from the under-$5 club, thanks in part to Goldman Sachs buy-buy-buy-ism. Here's my stock tip: get in while the gettin' is good, just like the rich people!

World's dumbest bank Citi may escape penny stock status this quarter! This morning saw an exciting 14% gain in share value-all the way to $3.45! Your tax dollars at work, people. Hang in there, Citi!

Citigroup chairman Dick Parsons has had a lovechild with a hot 32-year-old. His wife is presumably not pleased. (Doesn't one generally use contraception, extra-maritally? I mean, is this the Middle Ages?) Citigroup stock closed yesterday at a whopping $3.72, and will presumably open lower on LOVECHILD CONCERNS. Or on some other made-up news angle, just like every other day.