Despite the heartache it conceals, Cheryl Cole's smile is perfect, says Science. Learn the secret formula A x ((S + T + F) – (W + L)) and you too could have a flawless rictus.

A column dedicated to explaining Britain's manufactured celebrities to an American audience.

Friends of civilization, believers in freedom, supporters of self-serving celebrity visits to war zones, please brace yourselves for some disturbing news: al-Qaeda has a new enemy. She’s younger and perkier than The West, she’s a better dancer than The Jews, and she owns more jewelry than the Queen of England and Rudy Giuliani put together.

Wait, I sense your skepticism, but allow me to elaborate. The inflamer of whom I speak is a 28-year-old from the North-East of England by the name of Cheryl Cole. Ms. Cole, née Cheryl Ann Tweedy, is currently known to the American [...]

Oh God, I had no idea this was a thing, but it has apparently already taken these shores by storm and is now the hot new slice on Knifecrime Island.

The dimples will also not look entirely natural, as they remain permanently rather than appearing only when you grin. The operation, dimpleplasty, involves making a tiny cut in the skin to create a small depression.

A stitch is then used to tack the underside of the skin down to a deeper layer and hold it in place. Once the suture dissolves, permanent scar tissue will remain to maintain the dimple.

Anyway, yes, that is where the "close tab" [...]