My Corner Pot Shop's Charm Offensive @4:20 PM
I live next to a place where people buy marijuana with great frequency. And not in the way that your neighbor upstairs pushes a few dime bags here and there—this is a full-blown storefront, with free coffee and a TV and couches for people to lounge on. Carefully stapled bags, "prescription" printed on one side, are pushed out of a little window similar to the kind manned by bank tellers or postal clerks. The child-proof amber prescription bottles are the same kind that Cephalexin or Xanax comes in, but with ink-jet-printed labels reading ISH slapped on them, citing CA Health and Safety Code 11362.5-7. And that's because this is all, still, legal in the failing great state of California. READ MORE 16
California Wants To Make World's Grossest Place Vaguely Less Gross @2:25 PM
They are going to maybe outlaw the smoking in state parks and beaches in California, which, shocked that they haven't already? But I guess not all of California is Marin. (Am I right? High fives, anyone?) Anyway now California is all, "Smoking is bad for beaches." Like, people leave cigarette butts out there and stuff. Dudes, do you know what the ocean is basically made of? Dead bodies. Do you ever stop to think about how many millions of corpses have been dumped into the ocean over the literally thousands of years humans have existed? It's basically one giant open pit of ground-up human flesh. This is pretty much all I can think about at the beach, so it's only fair that you do too. I'm not trying to be gross! It's just super carcassey out there! 27
And That's When I Clicked "Close Tab": Bizarre Anti-Gay Editorial Explanations Department @10:50 AM
"For years, we got the Christmas cards with the official family portrait — Roy Ashburn, his wife, kids and golden retriever, smiling for the camera. Political reporters tacked them up on their cubicle walls with the cards from other local politicians."
—The executive editor of the The Bakersfield Californian starts his explanation of why they couldn't cover the huge hypocritical gayness of CA State Sen Roy Ashburn with this "WHAT HUH? TACKED WHAT ON WHAT NOW?" moment. 14
Anti-Gay Lawmaker Probably Just Doing Research @12:00 PM
Shocking news out of California, where a Republican state senator with a history of hostility to gay rights legislation was arrested for driving drunk after spending time at a popular Sacramento gay bar. Not only that, there was an unidentified male (who, the news report helpfully notes, was not a fellow lawmaker) in the passenger seat! This is kind of astounding to me. Why would a guy who does not support gays go to one of their gathering places? And why would he leave with another man? I can't for the life of me understand any of this. It seems completely unprecedented. 23
Hometown Heroes to Have Difficulty with Proposed Profanity-Free Week in Fucking California @3:45 PM
In what seems like a stupid waste of time, the California state assembly will vote today on a resolution proposing statewide observance of a "Cuss Free Week" each March. (Not like those guys have anything else to be working on.) The resolution does not stipulate any enforcement mechanism, although that would be amusing. READ MORE 9
UCLA Students Riot Over Huge Tuition Increase @9:20 AM
Maybe the kids are alright! "A crowd of more than 500 demonstrators rushed Covel Commons on Wednesday to protest a proposed 32 percent student fee increase." 10
Lobbyist-Nailing Assemblyman Michael Duvall Ruins It For Everyone @11:30 AM
California Assemblyman Michael Duvall (R-Yorba Linda), caught on a live mic regaling another member about his sexual adventures with female lobbyists, has resigned. But before you get any ideas, he wants to make it very clear what happened: He wasn't screwing around, he was lying. Take it away, Mike! READ MORE 4
Sex Politician Caught In Sex Scandal After Talking About Sex @11:20 AM
Michael D. Duvall, a married "family values" Orange County Republican in the California Assembly, was caught on a live mic speaking openly about a series of affairs he's had with female lobbyists in Sacramento. There is also spanking involved! You can watch this gripping local news report (my favorite part is how excited they are each time they say "SEX") or read the story in the OC Weekly, but be warned: It contains the following super-gross quote from Duvall about one of his conquests. READ MORE 11
Broke California Searching For Change In Couch Cushions Before It Sells Couch @3:10 PM
"By posting items online, Californians and people from other states and around the world can participate in the Great California Garage Sale. This is a win-win for the state and for shoppers. Together we are eliminating waste and providing great deals in this tough economy. I encourage everyone to log on or attend this great event."
—California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger promotes the state's online sale of unneeded office supplies, automobiles, confiscated items and other accessories. 3
California Legislators Reach Budget Deal @9:20 AM
Good news from the Golden State: "Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and legislative leaders announced Monday that they had reached a deal to close California's $26.3-billion deficit and begin paying all of the state's bills again, potentially ending months of partisan wrangling and a cash crisis that threatens to push California into insolvency." The agreement ensures that taxes will not be raised and provides each poor California resident with a shiny apple, a bus ticket to Oregon, and a ten-minute head start before the state releases everyone in the prison system. 4
Jesse James Hollywood On Trial: Part Four @4:30 PM
The trial of Jesse James Hollywood has concluded. Part one of our coverage, regarding the circumstances of the trial, was published here on May 27; part two, describing the witnesses for the prosecution, was published here on June 18. Part three, a look at the defense, was published here on June 24. This is the final installment.
SANTA BARBARA—During the cross examination of Jesse James Hollywood, District Attorney Joshua Lynn approached the witness stand with a small, bulging envelope. He plucked a ring from the envelope and asked, "Do you recognize this ring?" READ MORE 21
Is Oakland the New Williamsburg? (Answer: Oh Hell No) @8:28 AM
A new "humor" video ironically anti-sells the city of Oakland as the hipster paradise of the Bay Area. The racism is thinly veiled! But anyway: is Oakland the new West Bushwick and greater Williamsburg of the west coast? Okay no it is not. And if I catch you in your skinny jeans up on MLK Blvd cruising by my mom's house I will carjack you myself. 18
California Is Utterly, Truly Screwed @9:39 AM
California is spiraling down the crapper rapidly! The state will entirely run out of money next month, and will then close up shop and call it a day, leaving citizens to eat each other for sustenance and travel solely by foot and bicycle and on the back of the weak who become slaves to the strong. The governor's plan is to suspend healthcare for nearly a million children and to take all the money from the schools. (No, really, that's his plan! Yes!) Unfortunately, the Democrats' plan is just to spend the little remaining reserve money left and hope everything works out. Gah! The good choice, which is not good at all, is to take out a high-interest loan that will keep California in poverty for years. Wow. So long! 29
Prop 8 Ruling @1:06 PM
Schwarzenegger: Okay, California, Let's See How You Like It @1:40 PM
Dark times in California, with the state facing a $21 billion budget deficit after voters rejected a series of ballot initiatives intended to fill the gaps. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who supported the measures so fervently that he spent election day touring the state to rally voters in Washington with President Obama, says the message is loud and clear. READ MORE 8
Twittery Earthquake Survivors Assess Damage @10:58 AM
A magnitude 4.7 earthquake hit Southern California yesterday, causing concerned citizens to turn to the most trusted name in news for information: Twitter. READ MORE 8
