The Awl

Jersey Mayhem: Cop Snowballer Now Hottest Dude In Jersey

Dave Bry — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 09:25:38 +0000

Matthew Beck is one New Jersey fella who will be getting some this weekend. And when he does, he'll have the the JERSEY MAYHEM!!! section of the Asbury Park Press to thank. Also, the snow, his exceptional aim, his poor judgment and Hanover Township police officer Dominic Kaiser.

Beck, 20, was arrested for throwing a snowball at Kaiser's police car Wednesday night. As the paper reports:

A 20-year-old township man allegedly was launching snowballs at cars on Whippany Road around midnight today and ended up hitting a cop car at 12:25 a.m., police said.

Launching! What a stud. Beck apparently has an anti-aircraft gun for an arm.

In fact, the way this story is worded, it sounds like he threw one snowball so far and so high that it didn't land on its target until 25 minutes later. Then, Kaiser turned around. Beck ran. Kaiser chased him down, brought him into the station and charged him with disorderly conduct and underage drinking before releasing him to go home and clip the article to bring to a party tonight, where he will show it big-haired girls who will marvel at the extent to which he totally doesn't give a fuck because he's totally fuckin' crazy. Dude's got it made.

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Gay T-Shirts Bring Extra Shame

Choire Sicha — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 13:35:03 +0000

Once upon a time-to be specific, 1992 in San Francisco-a friend and I saw a t-shirt in a gay store that read simply "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing." Oh how we laughed. Mostly because, JESUS, REALLY? Now-and surely we are late to this horrible party, but, so sad, not so late that we didn't accidentally ever find out about it-there is a huge online store of "witty gay t-shirts." We learned this because they advertise on everyone's fave raunchy gossip blog Dlisted, and good for them. But still, basically, if I see any of you in these, you are on your own.

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In Attempt To Destroy Itself, MTV Greenlights Puppet Show

Choire Sicha — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 11:22:23 +0000

From today's press release: "Tony DiSanto, President of MTV Programming today announced that MTV has greenlit 'Warren The Ape,' the latest in a wave of new scripted series for the network. 'Warren The Ape is a live action scripted comedy that tells the tale of an ape trying to revive a career in Hollywood by any means necessary. This show truly has a unique visual style and tone as well as a creator driven voice that is fresh and exciting,' said DiSanto..." who will most likely be fired sometime during its run.

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