The Awl

Prison Island Goat Ends Up In Dog Prison

Alex Balk — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 12:50:08 +0000

This goat wasn't kidding around! Hahaha, get it? Sigh. He had a good run, at least.

---

See more posts by Alex Balk

Sport of Tennis Permanently Concluded

Choire Sicha — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 09:00:22 +0000

Over the weekend in the far-off and forgotten colony of Australia, a long-standing problem in athletics was finally solved! Tennis, a thorny question that first began plaguing the English in the 19th century, is now complete, with the conclusion of a record five-hour-and-53-minute match to end the Australian Open. Ecstatic with their work, Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic pretty much nearly barfed during the trophy ceremony. (Nadal actually sat on the net; Djokovic was pretty much face-to-knees; finally, two little convicts scurried onto the court with chairs for the pair.)

We expect word later today from the upcoming Sony Ericsson and then the U.S. Open about their cancellations, now that tennis is done.

---

See more posts by Choire Sicha

12 comments

Gay Disaster: Grindr Hacked

Choire Sicha — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 10:00:57 +0000

So this finally happened: "A popular 'meat-market' smartphone app that spawned a sexual revolution in Australia's gay community has been compromised by a Sydney hacker, potentially exposing intimate personal chats, explicit photos and private information of users." Ta da! But wait, there's more: "A security expert who did not wish to be named... said that the Grindr and Blendr apps 'had no real security.'" The modern age is fun where we just trust all our data and naked pictures to anyone who makes an app!

---

See more posts by Choire Sicha

10 comments

Australians Foulmouthed

Alex Balk — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 13:20:49 +0000

"A snack maker in Australia has won approval to call its product 'Nuckin Futs' after authorities accepted the f-word was part of the country's vernacular."

---

See more posts by Alex Balk

1 comments

The Disappearance Of Harold Holt

Alex Balk — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:20:18 +0000

I have an odd fascination with the Prime Ministers of Australia. From Gough Whitlam, the only officeholder to be dismissed by the representative of the British (and, I suppose, Australian) crown, to Paul Keating, who proved that being super foulmouthed is not enough to guarantee your reelection on Prison Island, there are any number of fairly interesting stories. But it's tough to top that of Harold Holt, the man who went for a swim and never came back.

---

See more posts by Alex Balk

5 comments

It's Summer In Australia, And Glow-In-The-Dark Surfers Make The Living Easy For Great Whites

Dave Bry — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 14:50:49 +0000

These neon-clad night surfers celebrating the first day of the Australian summer at Bondi Beach must have looked like a big tray of glow-in-the-dark jello shots to sharks, who tend to feed at night. I'm glad no one got eaten.

---

See more posts by Dave Bry

4 comments

Prison Island Woman Doesn't Know Her Place

Alex Balk — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 11:00:32 +0000

"Australia's socialist PM under fire for failing to curtsey to the Queen (or bothering to wear a hat)"

---

See more posts by Alex Balk

5 comments

Conching: The Latest Craze Sweeping Australian Dolphins

Dave Bry — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 09:00:22 +0000

Are you up on "conching?" It's like "planking" or "horse maning" except that it's done by dolphins instead of humans, and instead of being done solely for the purposes of display and photography (though it does make for some cool pictures) it also apparently helps the dolphins eat. It goes like this: dolphins trap small fish inside empty conch shells, and then bring the conch shells up to the surface of the water, and tip the fish into their mouths. Like we do with a pack of M&M's. But they use their beaks, instead of their hands. This behavior has been witnessed at least six times now in Shark Bay on Australia's western coast. Pretty amazing, right? Pretty great! Until one of the dolphins decides he wants more power, and would prefer anarchy to easy fishing, and smashes the conch shell and kills the smart fat dolphin, and exposes the dark, Hobbesian truth of dolphin nature. Which, of course, we already know about.

---

See more posts by Dave Bry

10 comments

England Now Has More Prisoners Per Capita Than Australia

Choire Sicha — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 16:10:46 +0000

"The prison population of England and Wales has hit a new record high of 86,608 people," thanks to several hundred young rioters being held in the system. Yup: 86,000 people are in prison out of a population of 53,390,300. Yeah... so that's .0016% of England and Wales. (The U.S. has about 2,300,000 people in prison, out of 307,006,550 people—almost five times as many, by population.)

Guess what? This means England has surpassed its tragic colony, old Prisoncrime Island, in rates of imprisonment—with all of 22 million people, Australia has only like 30,000 people in prison. (Though they're trying desperately to up their rates!)

---

See more posts by Choire Sicha

4 comments

If You Meet An Australian With A Ned Kelly Tattoo, Politely Excuse Yourself

Alex Balk — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 16:50:20 +0000

"Kelly is a dominant figure in the popular perception of Australian colonial history with quite disparate opinions being voiced. On one hand he is viewed as a common criminal given to cattle rustling and armed conflict with the police, while on the other he is viewed as an Irish freedom fighter standing up to the oppressive British authorities. On either side of the debate his image is generally taken as representing an anti-establishment position."
—Roger Byard, professor of pathology at the University of Adelaide, discusses a study in which he found that Australians who have tattoos of legendary Prison Island bandit Ned Kelly "are more likely to die as a result of suicide or homicide."

---

See more posts by Alex Balk

9 comments