Ken Wheaton is irate about grown-ups who clean their bottoms with baby wipes.

Now you can wipe your ass on cashmere! I mean, some of you may already be wiping your asses on cashmere, but now it is available in toilet paper form! This is so much better than farting through silk.

Sad news: Remember how, when you were a little kid, your grandpa would put you on his knee and inculcate the spirit of entrepreneurship by repeating the age-old phrase, "Build a better asswipe and the world will beat a path to your door?" Well, it turns out that sentiment is no longer true in our fast-paced, risk-averse, what-have-you-wiped-for-me-lately world. Comfort Wipe, the revolutionary ass-wiping device we talked about last week, has been discontinued before it could even see the dark of ass. Ah, well. I guess that's how it goes in the invention business. Back to the ass-wiping board!