The Awl http://www.theawl.com/ Be Less Stupid Wed, 12 Oct 2011 14:20:37 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.2 Booty Prevented From Jiggling http://www.theawl.com/2011/10/booty-prevented-from-jiggling http://www.theawl.com/2011/10/booty-prevented-from-jiggling#comments Wed, 12 Oct 2011 14:20:37 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2011/10/booty-prevented-from-jiggling
"If the Booty Lounge is rocking, Detroit police come knocking." [Spoiler: The Booty Lounge was indeed rocking, and the knocking of Detroit's constabulary resulted in the cessation of posterior oscillation.]

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"If the Booty Lounge is rocking, Detroit police come knocking." [Spoiler: The Booty Lounge was indeed rocking, and the knocking of Detroit's constabulary resulted in the cessation of posterior oscillation.]

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2011/10/booty-prevented-from-jiggling/feed 4 Orange Man Demands Orderly Arrangement Of Asses http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/orange-man-demands-orderly-arrangement-of-asses http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/orange-man-demands-orderly-arrangement-of-asses#comments Wed, 27 Jul 2011 11:40:32 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/orange-man-demands-orderly-arrangement-of-asses In the ongoing debt limit saga, House Speaker John Boehner has apparently told recalcitrant members of his caucus to "get your ass in line" because "I can’t do this job unless you’re behind me," which, at the very least, makes the Republicans seem a lot more kinky than previously suspected.

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]]> In the ongoing debt limit saga, House Speaker John Boehner has apparently told recalcitrant members of his caucus to "get your ass in line" because "I can’t do this job unless you’re behind me," which, at the very least, makes the Republicans seem a lot more kinky than previously suspected.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/orange-man-demands-orderly-arrangement-of-asses/feed 4 The Trouble With Awards http://www.theawl.com/2011/05/the-trouble-with-awards http://www.theawl.com/2011/05/the-trouble-with-awards#comments Fri, 20 May 2011 10:40:22 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2011/05/the-trouble-with-awards There is a certain cognitive dissonance when it comes to awards. We know that, in all but the most obvious cases where prizes are given based on predetermined metrical standards, they are entirely subjective, often political and occasionally bestowed upon their recipients for past efforts rather than any kind of current worthiness. And yet we can't help but take sides; there is something about our brains that is hardwired to rank, to root, to want our favorite to be the winner. We even enjoy the bad calls—I know people who still bemoan the injustice of Martin Scorsese losing the Academy Award for Best Director to Kevin Costner, even though it happened 700 years ago. It is the same reason we focus on the horse race aspect of politics rather than making it about the substantial issues at stake; we prefer embracing the thrill of the contest to doing the hard work of focusing on where the merit truly lies. One could even argue that awards expose the hollowness of our society, displaying a heartless atavism which contends that winning is the only thing that matters. I object to this philosophy: Works of art, or literature or any other creative effort upon which baubles are bestowed should not be compared to one another as if they were so many different kinds of cola in some commercial taste test; they are individual feats of humanity that express something noble and profound about who we are and how we attempt to understand our world. That said, if Pippa Middleton's ass does not win the 2011 Rear of the Year Award—Britain's most coveted prize—I am gonna be pissed.

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]]> There is a certain cognitive dissonance when it comes to awards. We know that, in all but the most obvious cases where prizes are given based on predetermined metrical standards, they are entirely subjective, often political and occasionally bestowed upon their recipients for past efforts rather than any kind of current worthiness. And yet we can't help but take sides; there is something about our brains that is hardwired to rank, to root, to want our favorite to be the winner. We even enjoy the bad calls—I know people who still bemoan the injustice of Martin Scorsese losing the Academy Award for Best Director to Kevin Costner, even though it happened 700 years ago. It is the same reason we focus on the horse race aspect of politics rather than making it about the substantial issues at stake; we prefer embracing the thrill of the contest to doing the hard work of focusing on where the merit truly lies. One could even argue that awards expose the hollowness of our society, displaying a heartless atavism which contends that winning is the only thing that matters. I object to this philosophy: Works of art, or literature or any other creative effort upon which baubles are bestowed should not be compared to one another as if they were so many different kinds of cola in some commercial taste test; they are individual feats of humanity that express something noble and profound about who we are and how we attempt to understand our world. That said, if Pippa Middleton's ass does not win the 2011 Rear of the Year Award—Britain's most coveted prize—I am gonna be pissed.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2011/05/the-trouble-with-awards/feed 18 British Woman's Buttocks Scrutinized http://www.theawl.com/2011/05/british-womans-buttocks-scrutinized http://www.theawl.com/2011/05/british-womans-buttocks-scrutinized#comments Thu, 12 May 2011 12:50:25 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2011/05/british-womans-buttocks-scrutinized Here is an analysis of how the Daily Mail solves the problem of "how to optimise for the high-volume search term 'Pippa Middleton’s arse'." And here you will find an argument that newspapers write about Pippa Middleton's arse (or, as we have it here, "Pippa Middleton's ass" or "Pippa Middleton's rear end" or "Pippa Middleton amazing ass" or "great ass Pippa Middleton" or "Pippa Middleton rump ass bottom backside" or "woman from Royal Wedding ass" —Enough already, we get the joke. –Ed.) because that's what people want to read about: They want to read about Pippa Middleton's fantastic ass. Also they want to see pictures or photos. As well they should!

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]]> Here is an analysis of how the Daily Mail solves the problem of "how to optimise for the high-volume search term 'Pippa Middleton’s arse'." And here you will find an argument that newspapers write about Pippa Middleton's arse (or, as we have it here, "Pippa Middleton's ass" or "Pippa Middleton's rear end" or "Pippa Middleton amazing ass" or "great ass Pippa Middleton" or "Pippa Middleton rump ass bottom backside" or "woman from Royal Wedding ass" —Enough already, we get the joke. –Ed.) because that's what people want to read about: They want to read about Pippa Middleton's fantastic ass. Also they want to see pictures or photos. As well they should!

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2011/05/british-womans-buttocks-scrutinized/feed 13 Get Off Your Ass Or Die http://www.theawl.com/2011/01/get-off-your-ass-or-die http://www.theawl.com/2011/01/get-off-your-ass-or-die#comments Thu, 06 Jan 2011 13:20:54 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2011/01/get-off-your-ass-or-die You! Yes, you! I want you stand up right now. Go take a brief walk at a leisurely pace. Guess what? I just saved your life. Now you owe me one.

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]]> You! Yes, you! I want you stand up right now. Go take a brief walk at a leisurely pace. Guess what? I just saved your life. Now you owe me one.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2011/01/get-off-your-ass-or-die/feed 17 Do You Suffer From Dead Butt Syndrome? http://www.theawl.com/2010/12/do-you-suffer-from-dead-butt-syndrome http://www.theawl.com/2010/12/do-you-suffer-from-dead-butt-syndrome#comments Tue, 21 Dec 2010 14:40:00 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2010/12/do-you-suffer-from-dead-butt-syndrome There is apparently an ailment called "dead butt syndrome," which, despite its amusing name, actually sounds quite painful. (It's "an inflammation of the tendons in the gluteus medius, one of three large muscles that make up the butt.") Fortunately, it only seems to strike serious runners, so, uh, I think I'm pretty safe. Add this to your "reasons not to work out" list.

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]]> There is apparently an ailment called "dead butt syndrome," which, despite its amusing name, actually sounds quite painful. (It's "an inflammation of the tendons in the gluteus medius, one of three large muscles that make up the butt.") Fortunately, it only seems to strike serious runners, so, uh, I think I'm pretty safe. Add this to your "reasons not to work out" list.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/12/do-you-suffer-from-dead-butt-syndrome/feed 10 Man Upset About American Ass-Wiping Habits http://www.theawl.com/2010/12/man-upset-about-american-ass-wiping-habits http://www.theawl.com/2010/12/man-upset-about-american-ass-wiping-habits#comments Fri, 10 Dec 2010 11:20:56 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2010/12/man-upset-about-american-ass-wiping-habits Ken Wheaton is irate about grown-ups who clean their bottoms with baby wipes.

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]]> Ken Wheaton is irate about grown-ups who clean their bottoms with baby wipes.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/12/man-upset-about-american-ass-wiping-habits/feed 24 Smoking Lebanese Chimp Moves To Brazil http://www.theawl.com/2010/11/smoking-lebanese-chimp-moves-to-brazil http://www.theawl.com/2010/11/smoking-lebanese-chimp-moves-to-brazil#comments Wed, 10 Nov 2010 13:40:35 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2010/11/smoking-lebanese-chimp-moves-to-brazil
I don't even have a take on this one, except to applaud the folks at ITN for managing to wedge of shot of hot Brazilian asses into this report. Now that's packaging!

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I don't even have a take on this one, except to applaud the folks at ITN for managing to wedge of shot of hot Brazilian asses into this report. Now that's packaging!

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/11/smoking-lebanese-chimp-moves-to-brazil/feed 0 Report: Asses Expanding http://www.theawl.com/2010/11/report-asses-expanding http://www.theawl.com/2010/11/report-asses-expanding#comments Tue, 09 Nov 2010 09:00:12 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2010/11/report-asses-expanding Good morning. An investigation of 18,000 British asses has revealed some shocking new details that are absolutely rocking the field of Female Ass Studies: Evolution has resulted in a "plumper, rounder and [more] squishy to the touch" ass in almost half of the asses surveyed. These enhanced asses—known in the technical jargon as "tomatoes," due to their resemblance to the fruit of the same name—offer scientific proof that "the effects of plentiful attractive food have taken their toll and spherical derrieres have given way to the tomato and the more unfortunate potato rear," notes ass authority Dr David Holmes, of Manchester Metropolitan University. While the majority of women are afflicted with these distressing ass conditions—and only 1 in 10 has managed to retain the coveted "necatrine" ass, the characteristics of which experts have diagnosed as the "cartoonesque perfection of two bowling balls pushed together"—there is still hope; absolutely coincidental to this landmark study, which appeared as news in a major British paper, retail chain Asda is "launching a range of 'Wonderbum' dresses designed to enhance and cover each modern bottom shape." Wrap those tomatoes tight, ladies!

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]]> Good morning. An investigation of 18,000 British asses has revealed some shocking new details that are absolutely rocking the field of Female Ass Studies: Evolution has resulted in a "plumper, rounder and [more] squishy to the touch" ass in almost half of the asses surveyed. These enhanced asses—known in the technical jargon as "tomatoes," due to their resemblance to the fruit of the same name—offer scientific proof that "the effects of plentiful attractive food have taken their toll and spherical derrieres have given way to the tomato and the more unfortunate potato rear," notes ass authority Dr David Holmes, of Manchester Metropolitan University. While the majority of women are afflicted with these distressing ass conditions—and only 1 in 10 has managed to retain the coveted "necatrine" ass, the characteristics of which experts have diagnosed as the "cartoonesque perfection of two bowling balls pushed together"—there is still hope; absolutely coincidental to this landmark study, which appeared as news in a major British paper, retail chain Asda is "launching a range of 'Wonderbum' dresses designed to enhance and cover each modern bottom shape." Wrap those tomatoes tight, ladies!

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/11/report-asses-expanding/feed 17 Pregnant Stomach Resembles Buttocks, Say Floridians http://www.theawl.com/2010/10/pregnant-stomach-resembles-buttocks-say-floridians http://www.theawl.com/2010/10/pregnant-stomach-resembles-buttocks-say-floridians#comments Fri, 15 Oct 2010 16:50:02 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2010/10/pregnant-stomach-resembles-buttocks-say-floridians
To quote the great Barry Gifford's concluding line in the novel Arise and Walk, "I got no doubt in my mind but that there ain't never been and won't never will be another country like this one in the history of planet earth."

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To quote the great Barry Gifford's concluding line in the novel Arise and Walk, "I got no doubt in my mind but that there ain't never been and won't never will be another country like this one in the history of planet earth."

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