Posts Tagged: Asses

Asses At Rest Tend To Stay At Rest: Study

"[M]ost of us don’t tweet or post at all while we’re plopped in front of the tube. When we do, half the time we’re talking about something other than TV. And social media conversation is far weaker than traditional factors, like TV commercials for new shows or our sheer laziness in changing channels, in prompting us to tune into each season’s new offerings."


Ass-Watching Disparaged

"'I don’t know who comes to the boardwalk and says, 'Let’s go to the boardwalk and find out how many asses we can see.'" —Wildwood mayor Ernest Troiano clearly hangs out with different people than you do.


Feminist Australian

"What I want her to do is get rid of those bloody jackets. Every time she turns around you’ve got that strange horizontal crease, which means they’re cut too narrow in the hips. You’ve got a big arse, Julia. Just get on with it." —Feminist hero Germaine Greer speaks truth to power while discussing Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard.


Booty Prevented From Jiggling

"If the Booty Lounge is rocking, Detroit police come knocking." [Spoiler: The Booty Lounge was indeed rocking, and the knocking of Detroit's constabulary resulted in the cessation of posterior oscillation.]


British Woman's Buttocks Scrutinized

Here is an analysis of how the Daily Mail solves the problem of "how to optimise for the high-volume search term 'Pippa Middleton’s arse'." And here you will find an argument that newspapers write about Pippa Middleton's arse (or, as we have it here, "Pippa Middleton's ass" or "Pippa Middleton's rear end" or "Pippa Middleton amazing ass" or "great ass Pippa Middleton" or "Pippa Middleton rump ass bottom backside" or "woman from Royal Wedding ass" —Enough already, we get the joke. –Ed.) because that's what people want to read about: They want to read about Pippa Middleton's fantastic ass. Also they want to see pictures or photos. [...]


Man Upset About American Ass-Wiping Habits

Ken Wheaton is irate about grown-ups who clean their bottoms with baby wipes.


Pregnant Stomach Resembles Buttocks, Say Floridians

To quote the great Barry Gifford's concluding line in the novel Arise and Walk, "I got no doubt in my mind but that there ain't never been and won't never will be another country like this one in the history of planet earth."


Maybe This Will Help Put Your Day In Perspective

"A man was forced to call the emergency services after a toilet roll holder got stuck up his bottom at his house in Newport, South Wales."


Ass Innovative

What did your ass innovate today?


Sketch Artist Is The Picasso Of Butt-Drawers

Yes, sure, a profile of a man who sketches asses is a tough gig, but if reporter Tia Heidebrecht ever wants to make it out of Sioux City she's got to do a better job of selling phrases like "bootyful drawings" and "anything butt shy." Respect the form, woman.


Orange Man Demands Orderly Arrangement Of Asses

In the ongoing debt limit saga, House Speaker John Boehner has apparently told recalcitrant members of his caucus to "get your ass in line" because "I can’t do this job unless you’re behind me," which, at the very least, makes the Republicans seem a lot more kinky than previously suspected.


Get Off Your Ass Or Die

You! Yes, you! I want you stand up right now. Go take a brief walk at a leisurely pace. Guess what? I just saved your life. Now you owe me one.


Smoking Lebanese Chimp Moves To Brazil

I don't even have a take on this one, except to applaud the folks at ITN for managing to wedge of shot of hot Brazilian asses into this report. Now that's packaging!


Ass Appreciated

Writing 1100 words on the purported "GIF renaissance"-"the present-day GIF love goes beyond aesthetics and nostalgia. Animated GIFs aren't just throwbacks-they're uniquely suited to some very contemporary modes of cultural consumption, and they perform distinct functions that other formats can't"-seems like an awful lot of work in order to justify showing this GIF of Christina Hendricks' ass, but I've got to give it to the folks at Slate on this one: it's a pretty amazing ass. I mean, I'd much rather this than a contrarian piece on why Christina Hendricks' astounding ass really isn't one of the world's most phenomenal asses. Which was probably their [...]


Ass Expanded

"You could drop a plumb bob from the back of your head and the string wouldn’t hit anything before it hit the ground."


Category Exciting (Spoiler: The Category Is "Wet Towels Men Wipe Their Asses With")

"Butt wipes is a category we’re really excited about."


Ass-Showing Denounced

"This is the broken window of social behavior — when you ignore people walking the streets showing their ass."


The Trouble With Awards

There is a certain cognitive dissonance when it comes to awards. We know that, in all but the most obvious cases where prizes are given based on predetermined metrical standards, they are entirely subjective, often political and occasionally bestowed upon their recipients for past efforts rather than any kind of current worthiness. And yet we can't help but take sides; there is something about our brains that is hardwired to rank, to root, to want our favorite to be the winner. We even enjoy the bad calls—I know people who still bemoan the injustice of Martin Scorsese losing the Academy Award for Best Director to Kevin Costner, even though [...]


Do You Suffer From Dead Butt Syndrome?

There is apparently an ailment called "dead butt syndrome," which, despite its amusing name, actually sounds quite painful. (It's "an inflammation of the tendons in the gluteus medius, one of three large muscles that make up the butt.") Fortunately, it only seems to strike serious runners, so, uh, I think I'm pretty safe. Add this to your "reasons not to work out" list.


Report: Asses Expanding

Good morning. An investigation of 18,000 British asses has revealed some shocking new details that are absolutely rocking the field of Female Ass Studies: Evolution has resulted in a "plumper, rounder and [more] squishy to the touch" ass in almost half of the asses surveyed. These enhanced asses—known in the technical jargon as "tomatoes," due to their resemblance to the fruit of the same name—offer scientific proof that "the effects of plentiful attractive food have taken their toll and spherical derrieres have given way to the tomato and the more unfortunate potato rear," notes ass authority Dr David Holmes, of Manchester Metropolitan University. While the majority of women [...]