Dear Answer Lady (Emily),

I'm an atheist, but many of my relatives are very religious. This doesn't come up very often-for one, I don't see my relatives that much-but when they send me cards they often make reference to God, prayers, blessings, etc. My cards say things like "Happy Birthday" and "Congratulations." However, I recently sent a get well soon card to my aunt who has a chronic illness. I know she takes comfort knowing that people are praying for her, but I can't in good conscience claim to be praying for her-even though I'm thinking about her and hoping for an improvement in her health. From their perspective, I think this sounds somewhat flimsy.

Shortly after, my uncle-in-law's mother passed away, and I expressed my condolences and likewise said that I was "thinking of him in this difficult time." Again, I felt like I wasn't saying the sort of thing he wants to hear. Since thinking and hoping for someone is kind of like prayer, should I just split the difference and use their term? Especially since they're the ones going through a hard time? Or is it insulting to their faith to use a language I don't believe in, just to gloss over some social difficulties?

Just Like A Prayer?

Dear Just Like A Prayer?,

I spent a lot of time pondering the answer to your question-I focused my intention and thought about your problem hard and hoped for a resolution that would satisfy everyone! But does that mean I prayed over it?

Well, it depends who you ask. I'm pretty sure that in either of the spiritual traditions I am familiar with-Ultra-Reform Acoustic Guitar And Rainbow Kente Cloth Yarmulke Judaism, and yoga-this kind of thinking and hoping could pass for "prayer." Addressing your prayers to a deity isn't as important, in my interpretation of these schools of thought, as using prayer as a meditative practice, a way of getting in touch with the universe outside your own head.

One of the things I always liked about the temple I grew in with was my rabbi's constant reassurance that, despite how some of the language we mouthed during services made it seem, God wasn't an egomaniac who required our constant worship. Instead, prayer was meant to be a way for us to shape our inquiries and seek meaning outside ourselves. Via this school of thought, you wouldn't exactly be lying to your relatives if you did want to say you were praying for them, because your feelings are the same as theirs even though the words you feel comfortable using are different.

Mm, but. My two-sentence Talmud aside, I wonder whether you really ought to kowtow to your sickly, elderly relatives' wishes. Your real question, it seems to me, is, "Should I fudge the truth about my beliefs in order to prevent my family's feelings from being hurt?" And my answer to this is actually no. I mean, if granny on her deathbed is like "And now I can go to my heavenly father, to get my eternal reward," it is definitely not your job to volunteer that she is equally likely to meet Rainbow Brite and a magical winged pony and Santa Claus all hanging out with Jesus on the Other Side.

But at the same time, you shouldn't feel that you have to fake religious faith you don't feel. I know this will sound weird coming from me, but spirituality is intensely personal and private! It might be the only thing I feel to be truly private. And, assuming they know about your atheism, when your relatives impose their "praying for you" and "God" and "blessings" on you, they are being rude and invasive. It's fine for them to pray for you, of course, but it's also fine for them to keep it to themselves.

So I think you should keep doing exactly what you're doing, Just, and you should be honest, if pressed, about why you're doing it. Fortunately for you, part of their religiosity is-or ought to be-a deep-rooted belief in forgiveness. And if you get static, you can feel very free to remind them of this as often as necessary.

PS: Life is a mystery. Everyone must stand alone. Sorry, I just had to get it out of my system.

Questions? We can help! Write to the answer lady's private tipline at advice at TheAwl.com!

Previously: Do I Acknowledge The Plight Of Gays At My Straight Wedding?