But Hillary feared that her war vote would get her hooted off any campus where she spoke. (page 153)

The political gamble here was evident, but the upside was huge: If Clinton carried the caucuses, the nomination would be in the bag. (153)

They liked him and they didn’t like her, and there would be no changing that—her negatives were just too deeply cooked into the casserole. (156)

But she still had plenty of surrogates ready to sink their canines into Obama’s keister. (162)

Edwards had invited Ginsberg and Rubey to supper after seeing them at one of his events. He seemed touched that they were in Iowa, in light of the circumstances, about which he knew they were better versed than most. (169)

After Hillary left, Wolfson trundled in, bearing data from the first wave of exit polls. (188)

The next day, she resurfaced and began talks with Williams about finding a workable modus Vivendi for their jointly running the campaign. (195)

Seemingly out of nowhere, the race had suddenly turned racial with both Bill and Hillary being accused of insensitivity at best and perniciousness at worst. (197)

He’s causing agita for us, she said. It’s not good. (212)

Months later one of them shook his head and said in wonder, “It would take ten Freudians to explain what Bill Clinton did to Hillary in South Carolina.” (213)

Barack didn’t generally give a fig about endorsements. But the backing of Edward Moore Kennedy was an entirely different matter. (215)

Her Midwestern frugality made her a highly nervous Nellie about debt. (221)

Even when things had been going reasonably well, Clinton had never exactly been a buoyant Hubert Humphrey on the stump. But now her unhappy warriorhood was painfully evident. (224)

For than a month since South Carolina, Obama had been in the catbird seat. Now he braced for his turn in the barrel. (234)

And not just some ideas vomited verbally; he wanted to see paper. (244)

From Texas and Ohio onward, with a loaded gun pressed against her temple, she finally got with the program. (255)

Soon enough, the story was bannered on Drudge Report and being jibbered about on cable news. (257)

The unfolding scene was a semiotician’s fantasia. (259)

The path to peace between the Obamans and the Clintonites would not be strewn with primrose. (262)

But the truth was, dangling over his head was a sword of Damocles invisible to almost everyone, if no less menacing for that. The blade was in the form of a newspaper article that was threatening to drop any day. McCain thought it might kill more than his shot at the nomination. He thought it might destroy his career and his reputation–even though the woman at the heart of the story insisted that she'd never even been alone with him. (304)

Once again, Grisolano legged it over to the Brown Palace to take a gander. (348)

Schmidt wanted to get them on the horn and have the history of her AIP registration checked immediately. (367)

Ana Marie Cox is the Washington correspondent for GQ.

Like much of daily life there, [the Salahi's] visit was recorded and uploaded on the White House Flickr feed, the always-on streaming window into "the people's house," a nickname that has never been more apt than under the current residents. Considering the White House's hulking, media-rich Web site, its Facebook page, photo galleries and podcasts on iTunes, the presidency seems less threatened by the incursion of a reality show than running an administration that is in danger of becoming one. —David Carr in the New York Times.

Um, hey… we think that this notion that the pictures of Pete Souza and friends create some form of transparency, for "the people" is a little mangled. These are staged shots, taken by photographers who hump around the White House grounds, hiding in trees and shooting fruit bowls. This is arty, nature photography—just focused on the White House. Reality is a made thing, and Pete Souza will frame it in a doorway, or the window of an automobile.

Also, we sort of think maybe Carr doesn't know what "streaming" means.

The evil genius of the Obama family is that they look SO NORMAL.

Fuck! Los Lobos? LOU DOBBS WARNED US THIS WOULD HAPPEN!

There's your economic recovery, people! The bridge to… well, it's hard say.

Go ahead, admit it, America: You're thinking about his cock.

Lovemaking was much better in the days before the Stupak amendment.

"You throw me the whip, I give you the idol!"

Ana Marie: Stalking AND framing? This has got to be Pete Souza.
Jason: I feel sorry for Pete Souza.
Ana Marie: Why? Because we make fun of him? Who else knows he EXISTS?
Jason: Because to get this shot, he had to run ahead of them on the lawn, and hide in the trees. Maybe he wore adult diapers in case he needed to pee BUT COULD NOT LEAVE HIS POST? He's like the serial killer in Manhunter. There is no dignity in that.
Ana Marie: Oh, I don't think there's intended to be.

It doesn't matter who you are, if you are framed (in an aesthetic sense!) Pete Souza will find you. And photograph you!

Is that the White House man cave? A refrigerator filled with "Steel Reserve"?

In the event of an earthquake, everyone please assemble quietly at Treasury, and, by all means, STAND UNDER LARGE CHANDELIERS. Especially you, Tim.

Wow, the first draft of the House health care bill WAS really long.

Ana Marie: People tell you there's a photograph out there of Michelle hula-hooping, and you think, no, that's not possible.
Jason: But there is.
Ana Marie: That is the age in which we live.

"Mine. All mine."

Jason: Wait. THAT'S how they display the previous winners of the Nobel Prize? Seriously?
Ana Marie: It sort of looks like the wall of fame at a Rotary Club.
Jason: Totally.
Ana Marie: Right down to the lack of black people.

Ana: GEEKGASM.
Jason: That photo is like a trip inside Jonah Goldberg's brain!!
Ana: Except in that vision, Obama is on the side of the Empire. Fascist.

CODE RED! OBAMA IS ADJACENT TO AN IMAGE OF LINCOLN.

Pete Souza, framing a giant spider. You only get so many chances.

One of the Salahi's earlier, less successful attempts.

Jason: One of Politico's Mike Allen's earlier, less successful attempts.
Ana: Also a very literal interpretation of what it's like to be a Congressional Republican.

Ana Marie: Now that is fucking HEARTWARMING. Just try to make fun of that shit.
Jason: If you say so. The American Enterprise Institute had a whole conference on Obama ceding cultural hegemony to Maeve Beliveau, daughter of Director of Advance Emmett Beliveau.

Ana Marie: I just want to note that someone in that picture is drinking Diet Pepsi. HERETIC.
Also that someone is either Peter Orszag or Jim Jones. I'm guessing Jones. Fucking Republican.

It's weird they decided to do the "Thriller" dance.

Ana Marie: ROBOTS! ROBOTS IN THE WHITE HOUSE!
Jason: Calm down, Matthew Yglesias. Maybe they are just prepping for a debate, Rove-style! That's how they beat John Kerry, you know.

Ana Marie: I think it's funny when a picture of people laughing is captioned as them "sharing a laugh." Because otherwise…?
Jason: It would read: "President Obama awkwardly pretends to get the joke"?
Ana Marie: "Biden pretends not to notice the joke is about him"?
Jason: Oh, I think he knows the joke is about him. He has all those long train trips to figure that out.

And now, this week, in "I FRAMED THIS" by Pete Souza:

DOOR FRAME!

OVAL WINDOW FRAME!

OBAMA: "OH HAI, are you my new call center staff?"
DOODZ: "Not since Tim Geithner's been in charge of the economy!"

Just want to point out that only Katie Johnson is actually working.

I just want to point out that Pete Souza and his fellow photographers have been slaving at this Official White House Photographer beat every day. And it's sad that this is the image they'll be best known for shooting. I mean. What makes a man start fires? THIS KIND OF SHIT.

Seriously. When this idea was conceived, I bet everyone involved thought, "Man! We'll be getting all these iconic shots of Barack Obama, pensive at the Great Wall of China, and it will be awesome. Every day: a little more awesome." And instead, this little Flickr Feed will achieve immortality because it snapped a picture of these fucking gatecrashing wannabe celebutard dipshits. And, Salahis, we live in the same town, so hopefully I'll one day get to say this to your faces. But this Christmastime, you two can just go and eat a massive bag of envenomed dicks. Really. That's from the heart.

The Noodle making demonstration. It's why Nixon went to China in the first place.

"Baby… delicious, delicious Japanese baby."

"Obama wonders if the West Point superintendents' office might look better with a LINCOLN portrait… A Lincoln portrait… yeah…."

"Jeez, Japan…. I haven't felt this awkward since I appointed Hillary."

This looks like a deleted scene from COUPLES RETREAT.

That's what Pete Souza looks like in the anime version of the White House.

And, Mr. President, we thought the one you call "Pete Souza" would enjoy our nation's famous Tiny Corridor of Odd-Shaped Windows.

Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper ratify the North American "Bros Before Hos" treaty at Singapore's most famous disco.

Merry Christmas from your Awl White House Flickr Annotators!

Previously: Obama's Top Secret Message To Fox News

This is pretty awesome: "This is as famous and as politically credible as Sarah Palin will ever be."

I confess that prior to hearing the song on the show, ALL I knew about it was that Avril sung it. Kids like her, right? Oh, and it's the fucking theme to fucking Eragon.

The lyrics have some relevance to how many who support marriage equality are feeling about the Maine vote: "Keep holding on / because you know we'll make it through," "You're not alone / together we'll stand," "With you by my side / I'll fight and defend," etc. But then again, that kind of generic underdogism is also appropriate to dueling dragons or lovelorn fairies or men in tights or whatever Eragon was about. It's a fucking pop song—the lyrics are scientifically designed to be relevant to 99% of everyone who listens to it. What kind of lame-ass, earnest sap actually believes it's about THEIR OWN LIFE?

Teenagers.

Teenagers like the ones portrayed in "Glee." Indeed, in the episode featuring the Ohio high school club's performance of the song, the show choir sings it as a tribute to one of its beleaguered members: the pregnant Quinn, freshly ejected from the cheerleading squad. There's no subtlety in the scene; they sing "keep holding on" and, by golly, they grab each others' hands. The brightness of their voices evinces a belief in triumph of friendship that would be treacly if not for the series' equally convincing portrayal of adolescence's (and adolescents') emotional brutality.

The show's mix of unpleasant realism about the experience of being a teenager (especially a social outcast—though, really, what teenager doesn't secretly believe that he or she is a social outcast?) and buoyant, enthusiastically impractical musical numbers probably accounts for why "Glee" has succeeded where other attempts at mixing television serials and music ("Cop Rock," "Viva Laughlin") have missed.

Adolescence is a time of such heightened reality, such acutely felt emotion—he didn't ask you out, LIFE IS OVER; your mom grounded you, YOU COULD DIE—that teenagers can seamlessly accommodate fantasy. Just as teens have the elastic imaginations required to fully enjoy the thrill of slasher films, they're the ideal, though the not-as-yet-fully-capitalized, audience for musical theater. (Though thanks to the "High School Musical" franchise and the rebooted "Fame," we may soon see a market rush.) The same emotional logic—and sense of personal drama—propels both the belief that somebody's going to kill the girl who goes running up the stairs when she should go running out the door and the belief that, yeah, maybe the cafeteria will just break into song.

This idea may get tested in the second half of the season, when Joss Whedon, the guy that successfully combined both horror and musical genres in his "Once More, With Feeling" episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and in his viral web series "Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog," directs an episode of "Glee." Arguably, the character of sadistic cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester—she's the one who boots Quinn—obviates the need for him to fold in any less fantastic monsters.

Bruno Bettelheim wrote that children need fairy tales and their creatures of myth in order to help them learn how to deal with figures like Sue. Her intense misanthropy and flabbergasting cruelty ("I empower my Cheerios to live in fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror.") generate laughs via hyperbole but also, I think, because they strike a chord of recognition. If you were ever a teenager, someone's words or actions once hurt as badly as Sue's wound her victims—and you may not have had a back-up chorus to make you feel better later.

It may be that the comfort that "Glee"'s main characters provide for each other (including the gay one) explains the resonance the show has had in gay culture just as much as the musical numbers. I think that must explain the resonance the show has for me. I'm not gay. I have friends and family who are, and, for me, Glee dramatizes what happens when you finally accept yourself for who are, and what you feel when others accept you too.

At this year's Human Rights Campaign gala, the actors from "Glee" were featured guests. I've been a little too embarrassed, until now, to admit the degree to which I got stalkery with them. I still can't quite allow myself to go into details but suffice it to say I think a PR person may have taken a cell phone picture of me for future, restraining-order purposes.

Recounting the eagerness with which I approached the actors—who were all, to a person, exceptionally gracious about the tipsy redhead with tears in her eyes—I realized that I hadn't been alone in my quest to tell the young guests how much their show meant to me… and that the intensity of fandom probably had seemed strange not just because, well, it's odd to have strangers offer up such testimony, but because the show's actors are from a generation for whom being a gay teenager is just another hardship. The show itself is scrupulous in refusing to make the trials of its gay character overweeningly more torturous than the obstacles faced by its handicapped character or its pregnant character or its Jewish characters.

In the world of "Glee," being gay sucks, yeah, like being fat or skinny, or tall or short, or a member of the glee club or a member of the chess team. It sucks in that being DIFFERENT sucks.

For now, that's not the world most gay people live in, it's true. Tuesday's decision in Maine underscores that. But maybe, if we keep holding on, it WILL get better. I'll take your hand, we WILL make it through. We WILL fight and defend… Oh fuck.

You get the idea.

Ana Marie Cox is a national correspondent for Air America.

JASON: I encourage Awl readers to enlarge this image, for truly it contains multitudes.

ANA MARIE: In the first place, please note the lack of powerful women at this basketball game.

JASON: Yes. This basketball game is sexist. Party unity my ass.

ANA MARIE: Because at blacktops and basketball courts across the country, what do you see? Men and women playing pick-up basketball with each other.

JASON: A good day of roundball leads so naturally into some light fornication, at the top of the key.

ANA MARIE: Now, direct your attention all the way to the back of the picture. Next to Obama, that's poor Ken Salazar, without his cowboy hat, made to run the fast break.

JASON: I feel for him.

ANA MARIE: I think his shirt says "Dad!"

JASON: Even still, I feel for him. How can Obama credibly claim to have dismantled the Bush torture regime if he's making Ken Salazar do this?

ANA MARIE: Tim Geithner, there at midcourt.

JASON: He sort of looks useless.

ANA MARIE: And yet he looks like he could be useful! That's his curse.

JASON: Also back there is Arne Duncan, who I thought was a baller? He played in Australia though, where there's trapezoids on the court and they wear hot pants and you have to account for the Coriolis Effect when you run your backdoor cuts.

ANA MARIE: But the star of this picture is, of course, Reggie Love.

JASON: This is what a real athlete looks like. Look at his face! Calm like a bomb. That vertical leap is what scares Glenn Beck the most about the Obama administration.

ANA MARIE: If I could make a related point about Reggie Love?

JASON: Please do.

ANA MARIE: Basically? YUM.

JASON: Ha! Who is that underneath Reggie Love, looking on in terror?

ANA MARIE: That's Pennsylvania Representative and Iraq War vet Patrick Murphy, who's spearheading the Congressional effort to end the ban on gays in the military.

JASON: Well, don't ask and don't tell anyone about that time he got cold postered by Reggie Love!

ANA MARIE: Obama of course, is just hanging out in the back. Like with health care reform.

JASON: Indeed. Well, Choire, this would probably be a good time to insert your page break.

ANA MARIE: All of you using RSS readers will want to click out now!

"Mon Dieu! Monsieur President, would you mind running your hand back through the dishwasher, this time on 'pots and pans,' s'il vous plait.

Pete Souza manages to find the one occasion where the White House Press Corps casts a long shadow.

This is where they make Fox News sit, now.

ANA MARIE: If you enlarge you'll see the chairs are clearly marked, so no one confuses the black President with the guy from Denmark, named Lars.

JASON: "All you world leaders look alike."

ANA MARIE: Well, they used to! It's a fair point.

Obama sends his secret message to Fox News.

Our main man Pete Souza has the whole framing gimmick, as we've endeavored to explain. But fellow White House photog Chuck Kennedy is working on discovering the most potent and majestic blend of cloud-to-marble architecture ratio possible.

ANA MARIE: America, let's just be honest. Obama's just not that into astronomy. Your big clue: he can't really see through the telescope when the huge floodlight is on. He's just going through the motions, to satisfy you.

JASON: I think you're just supposed to be impressed with the fact that he can snap his fingers and get people to scatter these bad-ass telescopes all over the lawn and shit.

Chuck Kennedy captures Deputy Director of Oval Operations Brian Mosteller doing his best imitation of an Obama cardboard cut-out. Years later the memory of this moment would form the basis of his rather intense mid-life crisis.

Okay, Mr. President, why don't you man up and play some goddamned MURDERBALL!

The President recognizes that he'd come off more impressive if he just played horse.

White House personal secretary Katie Johnson is scandalized after Robert Gibbs tells her the "peanut butter and jam" joke in front of the President.

We both approve of Katie Johnson's very cool, non-skankboot boot.

Argh. Here's Pete Souza, framing Obama in the bend of somebody's elbow. When this White House Flickr shit finally comes to an end, he really has a bright future in the field of porn cinematography.

Oh, crap. Chuck Kennedy is infringing upon both the framing and stalking-Obama-on-the-White-House-grounds trademarks of Pete Souza.

Most people who win the Nobel Prize respond by saying, "Wow, I won a million dollars! Peace out, denizens of the third world!" Ok, not really. But only Barack Obama was ever made to fret about having won.

And only Obama was required to bring in a fleet of speechwriters, computers, and whatever was delivered in that giant FedEx package to help him say, "Thanks for the trinket, Norway," in a way that wouldn't seem ungrateful or embarrassing.

"See, this goddamned fucking draft is just not going to cut it! UGH. FUCK A NOBEL COMMITTEE, WITH DYNAMITE!"

Obama returns from talking about the Nobel, wondering why he can't chew some goddamned bubblegum anymore without inciting a media firefight. "And now, I've got to figure out how to integrate Kathleen Sebelius and Hilda Solis into our five-on-five game, because I'm the only motherfucker in the country who has to think about fending off some horseshit Politico front-pager when he plays basketball."

Every once in a while, Pete Souza likes to show that if he wanted to, he could be reading all kinds of of classified shit.

"No, seriously! I could do your job! If you wanted! I COULD do it!"

"Yes, Joe. We know."

"You want me to bend over and do WHAT, now?"

Disappointed in his inability to win President for a Day responsibilities, Joe Biden returns to an afternoon of sexually harassing Valerie Jarrett, one of the powerless, non-basketball-playing women of the White House.

To make Kal Penn feel more at ease in Washington, Obama rounds up every Asian he can find to be his White House sidekickS. And since that dickwad Mike Allen might be hiding somewhere, writing his dumbassed blog, he has to make sure he auditions some of the powerless non-basketball-playing female Asians to be his "Beltway Harold."

Pete Souza, the Diane Arbus of place setting photography.

Here's Obama at the HRC fete. Maybe if he were that large, he could get rid of Don't Ask Don't Tell.

The Man Who Wasn't There.

Pete Souza's advice to Chuck Kennedy: "Get lots of gratuitous shot of random crap through windows. You'll want to remember these days, driving in cars with presidents."

HAPPY DOG. Rightfully the center of attention.

I love the caption on this: An advisor holds a file during President Barack Obama's phone call with Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva in the Oval Office." WHAT MAKES THIS ADVISOR HOLDING A FILE DIFFERENT FROM ALL THE OTHER RANDOM PEOPLE HOLDING A FILE? Oh, well, I'll tell you why, fuckchop! Obama just happened to be talking to Brazilian President Lula at the time. See: it MEANS something now. It's REAL, dude. Puts that shit into some fucking PERSPECTIVE. Can't handle it? Well get out of the darkroom! Not that Pete Souza uses a darkroom! Shit, if he had to actually develop these fucking photos, you think he'd be running around shooting file folders and bowls of fruit?

"Just make it out to, 'My friend George.'"

ANA MARIE: Obama is applauding a child who just sang a song to Obama.

JASON: Is it one of those indoctrination songs I keep hearing about?

ANA MARIE: Are there any other kind?

You must be this tall to be chief of staff!

Thanks to ACORN, all of these children are registered to vote, in Chicago.

See, if you let Cappy Kennedy eat off the table, sooner or later, the powerless, non-basketball-playing women of the White House are going to want to as well!

Previously: We Definitely Know What You Did At Every Minute This Summer

Obama celebrates with his Fishing Czar over the fact that he "almost hooked a trout." Years, later, historians would reflect on how this eventually became a theme for his presidency.

If only there was a bust of Lincoln, to add some majesty.

Jesus. He's just cold visitin' every goddamn landmark in the country, like he's crossing them off his bucket list, or something. (Also: Fog, historians, "theme for his presidency.")

Jason: Yeah, go on and deny Pete Souza doorways. Steal away his windowpanes. Take from him screens and mirrors, the geometry of hallways, slats in blinds and chance peeks through portholes. It doesn't matter! HE WILL FIND A WAY TO FRAME OBAMA.

JASON: Come on. Aren't these types of shots doing more harm than good, now?
ANA: Pete Souza's just taking note that the halo light has dimmed. (cf. Historians, "theme for his Presidency")

LOOK. Nobody ever said that socialist indoctrination was going to be exciting.

Now Pete Souza is just letting random people pose in front of Obama's hooptie.

Jason: Just when you think a subject cannot be too prosaic for Pete Souza, we get this.
Ana: This photo explores what it is like to watch somebody watch Obama play golf.

Pete Souza is now just underneath the bleachers at Town Hall events, photographing asses.

Obama was never good at hide and seek.

ANA MARIE: In the Obama White House, the Indians always beat the Cowboys.

JASON: It's like there's that one room in the White House where a David Lynch movie is constantly happening.

JASON: That is a short man.
ANA: Dmitry Medvedev is Dudley Moore! Oh, little man! I loved you in Bedazzled!
JASON: In Soviet Russia, moon and New York City gets caught between you!

In Moscow, two plates of warm spit were prepared so that Obama would not miss Joe Biden so much.

And so, the Council of Elrond was enjoined.

As it turns out, the Russian version of MEET THE PRESS is WAAAY more intimidating.

ANA: Oh, WH photog Pete Souza, with your funky ass perspective shot.
JASON: This looks like that X-Files episode on that boat. I keep expecting Gillian Anderson to run through the frame.
ANA: Robert Gibbs wishes Gillian Anderson would run through the frame!

ANA: Look! Dudley Moore is there! Obama got stuck with the Medvedev-sized glass.
JASON: In Russia, I wonder if you order coffee in Venti, Grande, and Medvedev sized.

ANA: AWWW.
JASON: Look at the cute office Medvedev has! For the pocket-sized puppet leader.
ANA: He's got a torchier lamp! And a neato booster seat!

JASON: Damn! Look at that! Why is Russian shit so much shinier than our shit?
ANA: Ehh, I think they get most of their furniture from Pottery Barn.

Medvedev tells Obama about the Tri-Wizard Tournament and all the spells he learned at Durmstrang.

JASON: "My mind had been enabled, in a memory you overflowed…"
ANA: Robert Gibbs is definitely the "Turtle" of this entourage.

ANA: Check out Mr. Foster Grants on the side.
JASON: It looks like Will Leitch! What is Will doing in Russia?
ANA: Starring in a 1970's Cold War porn, apparently!

JASON: Foreign military people: Why do they walk so jaunty?
ANA: Hey, in Russia, at least you don't have to "ask."

JASON: Jesus. Is that the Swiss Guard?
ANA: That is the Swiss Guard. They also have their own line of Happy Meals.
JASON: Find a plenary indulgence inside each one!

This looks like the start of bad Tony Kushner play, entitled: "HOLY SHIT, NAZI POPE! FLEE FLEE AWAY!"

Wow. We didn't know Skip Gates was so athletic.

No, no! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Health care lobbyists. [Not Pictured]

He totally throws like a Kenyan.

The Church of Latter Day Saints' Thomas Munson explains how the retroactive baptism thing sort of like a time-share dealie.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do: that is, meet a trio of half-assed historical re-enactors on the tarmac.

More bars, more places.

So THAT'S what happened to Tito the Builder!

Frames within crosses within frames with ghostly angel remnants floating in the distance, by Pete Souza.

JASON: We haven't talked a lot about Pete Souza's obsession with place settings.
ANA: These all look normal sized. I love how he has to be reminded that he went to the G8 to discuss "International Issues."

JASON: This looks like a Hieronymous Bosch painting.

ANA: Typical. Silvio Berlusconi is discussing how massive his cock is.

JASON: Is this a picture of Robert Gibbs, fresh out of the dunk tank?
ANA: No, this is in Italy. Though maybe they made Gibbs in the dunk tank there, too.

Obama finally appears in his own Verizon commercial.

Health care lobbyists wave to the President.

Barack Obama visits the Kenyan "President Mill" that the birthers are trying to warn us about.

Obama visits Ghana's Cape Coast Castle, constructed entirely from chips from the shoulders of angry blacks.

Wow. Can't make fun of that guy.

Yeah, but fuck these people.

Previously:
Someone's in the Kitchen with Mike Allen

The Case of the Crazy Runaway Apple

"No, no, no, See, here's the thing. Palin passes the ball."

"Why yes, I am very interested in your new long distance plan?"

ANA: "I feel like we should be able to get something funny out of Gorbachev."

JASON: "You mean like SQUEEZE him?"

ANA: "Sort of like what Obama's doing right now."

This is volleyball Mike Allen tried to hide behind, at the Fourth of July party.

Despite the promises of the stimulus package, this child is actually 30% smaller than it was four months ago. Still delicious, though.

A cardboard cutout of Barack Obama looks on, with Mike Allen, as fireworks explode in the sky.

TRACY JORDAN COMES TO THE WHITEHOUSE. "No, no, don't help me, Rahm Emanuel, I have too much pride!"

I don't know if the stimulus will end up being big enough, but that's undeniably a big package. (After this shot, White House photographer Samantha Appleton was never heard from again.)

JASON: JESUS. This is like Pete Souza YAHTZEE. Frames, Obama pondering, and Lincoln.

ANA: Obama must wander around wondering, "How long do I have to stand by this picture of Lincoln before Pete Souza takes my picture?"

Steven Chu is being punished by being forced to stand by the Lincoln bust. "You stand there, thinking about what you've done, until Pete Souza comes over and records this moment."

Mike Allen [not pictured].

JASON: Is that the Fourth of July picnic?

ANA: No.

JASON: So we can't make a Mike Allen joke.

ANA: Oh, no. We can still make a Mike Allen joke!

White House personal secretary Katie Johnson finds her chance to set a new high-score in Wurdle foiled once again. (THOUGHT BALLOON: You know, you have your own office!)

Ready for that trip up shit creek!

In order to take his mind off getting dressed down for the millionth time, Joe Biden focuses on the wine, the delicious, numbing wine.

JASON: There's that fucking football, again.

ANA: That must be where he keeps his smokes.

JASON: Or Mike Allen.

"Jesus. Can't a girl just play a game of Wurdle in peace? Stop throwing Mike Allen around!"

At first Angela Merkle was put off by the new White House tradition of Spin the Bottle nights. But that passed when she saw who the bottle landed on.

Don't you know, little boy, tossing softballs at Robert Gibbs is Ed Henry's job!

Reese Witherspoon is about to make someone the Bachelor!

Jason: FRAMES WITHIN FRAMES WITHIN FRAMES!

Ana: Never let it be said that Pete Souza wasn't paying attention in junior high photography class.

Jason: No, never. I will CUT a motherfucker who says that.

Obama uses immigration reform meetings for his catnaps. Hey, don't get mad! It's not like they were ever going to solve that problem!

"Here's the thing Charlie, Brian Williams did this swirly thing…"

Actual caption: "President Barack Obama's jacket rests on a couch in the Oval Office while he makes a phone call, June 24, 2009."

ANA: That's a little worshipful, even for Pete Souza.

JASON: Gah, this week, Souza's new trick has been exploring the wisdom of Obama on the phone.

ANA: Maybe we're having an effect!

You can't Vulcan mind-meld yourself! LOSS OF NERD POINTS.

Hi, Awl readers. My name is Jason Linkins. I'd like to take this moment to remind each of you that Food Network personality Bobby Flay is complete horseshit. Isn't this the sort of thing the Secret Service is supposed to stop, by force? Literally rain down wave after wave bullets on this man, to protect our president? Anyway, fuck this guy, and his crapulent Southwestern style jizzvapor cuisine. To hate like me is to be happy forever. That is all.

"No, no, no, See, here's the thing. Palin passes the ball. (Thank you, John.)"

Previously: The Case of the Crazy Runaway Apple

Previously: The Atlantic v. Pottery Barn.

ANA: I think that the Obamas have allowed Bo's lethal level of adorability to blind them to the truth.
JASON: They are outright lying about their dog!
ANA: Who told them Portuguese Water Dogs can't swim? Or that they like tomatoes? Where is Fox News on this?
JASON: Why hasn't Bill O'Reilly ambushed all the Portuguese Water Dogs? Why don't I own a Portuguese Bourbon Fetcher Dog?
ANA: Clearly, this administration does not keep its promises

JASON: How did the POLITICO fail to WIN THE AFTERNOON with the exciting news of the Estonian President's visit?
ANA: Where are they meeting? The Capitol Hill Hilton?

The first taste is always free!

ANA: How can the Obamas authentically relax with each other if White House photog Pete Souza is following them around?
JASON: It makes me wonder what shots Souza leaves in the darkroom.
ANA: That would imply that they are able to get really relaxed.

Opposite day, obviously.

We TOLD YOU about this Pete Souza and his desperate need to find "frames" to put Obama in. But that's how we roll: Speaking truth the White House commemorative photographers. And, by the way, SQUISHING YOUR HEAD, SQUISHING YOUR HEAD!

Some of you might want to know—for "research" purposes, of course—that the man in the foreground is Peter Orszag.

Every once in a while, President Obama just straight up forgets who the fuck Robert Gibbs is.

JASON: God, even Barack's gang tags are sort of lame!
ANA: It's like he got that off a Snapple lid.

Joe Biden, as always, reminding Hillary that his job is easier than hers and he gets paid more.

Not to harp on this, but again, MYSTERY FOOTBALL: Why haven't we heard about this? Is it possible that there can be an aspect of this man's life that we neither know nothing about, or at the very least, have had some shit made up about?

We can guarantee you that somewhere on this map is Obama's birthplace. (Note: Not a guarantee.)

The football mystery deepens! BECAUSE IT IS MOVING.

ANA: Do you think he was just pelting Steny Hoyer, with the football, for health care?
JASON: I know I would!

We had been trying very hard to avoid comment on the fruit bowls. Because JESUS THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. But Pete Souza won't let this go.

ANA: It's hard to believe how much power Rahm has.
JASON: And you are just referring to his pants, right?
ANA: Correct.

What secret message is he sending to the Jews now? That's he's erect? That word has several meanings!

Tim Geithner, contemplating his return to Rivendell.

Because he was especially good, Obama allows Joe Biden to touch him. JUST FOR A SECOND, THOUGH, HANDSY!

ANA: I always felt a little dirty saying there was a honey pot at the White House.
JASON: Are those killer bees Africanized or Muslimized.

Obama gets ready to pull out his Blackberry, by which we of course mean his penis.

OMGZ! OBAMA IS BEING THOUGHTFUL AS HARD AS HE CAN.

The official position from the White House is that this picture is in no way metaphorical.

But the "Obama and halo" shot probably is.

Legislative Affairs Director Phil Schiliro demonstrates another tactic the White House could use to convince Congress to pass health care reform.

Don't tell anyone, but that folder contains information on the super-secret mission that Obama gave the Uighurs.

There no artifice at all to the way Obama is always strategically chilling out by busts of Lincoln. None at all.

JASON: There it is! The teleprompter! The secret weapon no one in the GOP could have predicted!
ANA: I didn't know it was possible to take its picture!

Fortunately, the Secret Service intervened before Brian Williams could suck Bo's cock, too.

What, they can't already hear Joe Biden?

Everyone was really sad when the NBC News crew left. Who would suck their cocks now?

Can't make fun of Nancy Reagan, people. She's a sweetheart, and she's still sharp enough to know when she's being jacked around by Mitt Romney.

Obama waits for central casting to send the lamb and the manger.

OH NO! An apple has escaped from its bowl!

"Hey, is that ANOTHER bust of Lincoln? How'd that get here?"

And that is where I was ACTUALLY born.

Reggie Love's sandals are the only shoes in this picture not secretly insulting the Jews.

Europe's Notre Dame surprisingly ok with Obama visit.

We're gonna leave the old man alone. He's a hero.

But fuck this guy.

"Way to go veterans, with the whole fighting for your country thing! And, uhm, AAYYYYYYYEEEEE…."

Charles Xavier warns that some of those terrorists CAN break out of SuperMax prisons!

Date night!

Little known fact: That baby is actually WW2 vet, aging backwards.

The first time you see "two girls, one cup" is always special.

The second time? Not so much.

Ana: This picture just makes me mad at [WH photographer] Pete Souza. Guy basically has access allowing him to go to the bathroom with Obama and he gives us this.
Jason: Yeah, fuck that guy.

Ana: And this is the kind of thing that would just embarrass me if he were my dad.
Jason: Yeah, fuck that guy.

Again with the bowing!

Ah, the traditional re-enactment of 'Ishtar.'

Not so "secret" any more, are we?????

Hey, Pete Souza, COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING?

Ah, THERE'S the birth certificate!

"Booger-check…. we're clear!"

David Axelrod points out — not for the first time — that just because Obama doesn't APPEAR to be paying attention doesn't mean that Biden is allowed to have the nuclear football.

Why are y'all bored??? It's the daily economic briefing! That shit is MAD FREAKY. It's like watching porn!

Obama's less subtle diss of the Jews.

One of many the series of "Obama Looking Thoughtful" pictures that Pete Souza is required by law to produce.

Admit it, you're thinking about cock.

Biden, literally measuring the drapes.

WTF PETE SOUZA?????

Harry Reid's "sex swing" is about as exciting as you'd expect.

One of these cellphones is courting a lawsuit from the AP.

Previously: The Annotated White House Flickr Pool

This has to be some kind of "Black Power" signal. RUN AND HIDE!

OMG! Who knew that those "Black Panthers" who "intimidated" voters in Philadelphia with nightsticks played for the Steelers?

1) he reflects in mirrors. who knew?
2) he's visiting the speechwriters, which we know can't be true: teleprompters don't get lonely
3) that goddamn football again.

Obama: NOT A VAMPIRE.

More terrorism.

WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE FUCKING FOOTBALL

Is he trying to be some sort of "post-racial" version of George Allen?

"OOOH! OOOH! Can we have our national security briefing outside? Can we, can weeeee?"

Right, you dope-smoking hippies.

Honestly he has never looked more like Alfred E. Newman.

White House workers prep this weeks harvest of arugula from Michelle Obama's communal garden, so that it can go to make more Ray's "Hell" Burgers.

INDOCTRINATING.

Children who are old enough to read receive their own free copy of FUGITIVE DAYS, by Bill Ayers.

I just think that's adorable.

As you can see, it's all law enforcement can do to prevent the White House from becoming just like the wilds of goddamned Africa.

Is this considered "native dress"?

We will all dress like Hamid Karzai and like it!