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Paul, the gnomic Texas Congressman who has already led two quixotic presidential runs as a staunch libertarian, wound up winning the poll with 30 percent; Mitt Romney brought in 23 percent and after that the field split into drips and drabs of 6 percent and below. Trump's typically belligerent speech—he wondered if America was becoming "the laughingstock of the world"—won him one percent. Not bad, considering the write-in campaign was as light and hollow as his hair. It stemmed entirely from his accepting the invitation of GOProud—an organization of gay conservatives whose inclusion at the conference is a source of a controversy of far greater interest to reporters than most attendees. At the GOProud booth, they gave out black-and-white Xeroxed flyers asking people to write-in Trump, but were not so very enthusiastic about it. "We do not endorse any candidacy or campaign," two said, almost in unison. What about the flyers? "We want him to be considered."

The unassuming booth, where they also pass out stickers bearing the slogan "Our gays are more macho than their straights," is the reason why a some conservative groups—including the Heritage Foundation and the Family Research Council—backed out of the event rather than share oxygen with open homosexuals.

Anticipation of a wide open and contentious 2012 primary contest ballooned attendance of CPAC. The American Conservative Union attests that they recorded the largest number of registered attendees in the conference's nearly 40-year history: 11,000 "conservative leaders and activists." Mainstream news outlets arrived in large numbers as well though the two groups were after very different things. Reporters sought tea leaves to read (and Tea Partiers to mock); the students were largely concerned with their careers. (Honestly, both constituencies would be better served by trading goals.) Reporters crowded around elected officials and interviewed the guy walking around in a Revolutionary War costume. Students crowded into meeting rooms for sessions such as "Secrets to Landing a Conservative Job," "Getting Started in Hollywood," and "Becoming a Columnist."

Though larger than ever, and certainly attracting as much attention as ever, CPAC in 2011 was curiously unmoored. The exhibit hall was a riot of competing ideologies. There are not one, not two but three groups that claimed to support "liberty": Young Americans for it, a Campaign for it, and Students for it. The latter two actually work in concert, while the third eschews politics in favor of a "purely philosophical" agenda. "We do not support any candidate, campaign or party," the representative said, handing out pamphlets on becoming a "Students for Liberty" campus leader. I ask what a leader would lead toward, if not a specific campaign. "You'd be a leader for liberty."

A lot of exhibit hall booths had the same buoyant directionlessness. Maybe conservatives have become so good at co-opting the language of generically good goals—who could argue with the titular premise of Americans for Prosperity?—that their messaging strategy has fallen in on itself, relying on a conservative audience's ear for hidden meanings to such an extent they have no hope of reaching anyone else. A friend and I, as University of Chicago graduates, were drawn to the "Youth for Western Civilization" booth, for example, thinking maybe to score some free copies of The Illiad, only to discover that, as my friend put it, "They don't mean Western Civilization"—with its riot of competing philosophies and constantly evolving definitions of freedom—"they mean us, in the building, right now."

GOProud's booth was just around the corner from "The American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family and Property"—a Catholic organization that fancies itself a home for modern-day Crusaders. Its representatives wore jaunty red capes that are somewhat at odds with their literature, which condemned the opening up of CPAC to the gay group. It is also an all-male group, with fantasy camps for boys where attendants dress in the white tunics of Crusaders and practice archery. Asked if there isn't some concern that aligning itself with the Crusades—the Pope has apologized for them, after all—a representative told me that the Crusades are misunderstood: "It was a defensive war."

The TFP boys recognized that they were fighting a defensive war themselves when it comes to keeping the conservative agenda staunchly anti-gay, but their attitude toward the battle conformed to the marketplace-of-ideas calculus that imbued the event: "We wanted to make our voice heard."

For a party that has planted its flag on the backs of our armed forces, talk of the war on terror at CPAC was limited mainly to discussing incursions on the homefront. Early on I was accosted by a leafleteer drumming up support for "Secure America Now," a militant-sounding group that actually (thankfully?) interprets its mandate metaphorically: "We want to alert people to threats to the American way of life." Even the appearance of Don Rumsfeld to accept an award —and a surprise cameo by Dick Cheney to present it—made for weirdly parochial rhetoric. A contingent of the crowd reminded everyone of what Cheney and Rumsfeld left unsaid: pro-Ron Paul hecklers shouted "War criminal!" and had to be escorted from the hall.

The Ron Paul contingent was so weirdly, asymmetrically present at CPAC that it disturbed conference regulars. As one co-sponsor said, "I don't know what to expect next year. It'll be a different conference."

As for this year's conference? The conservative movement is so divided they can't even decide how to delegitimize an election. "The Paul people bought it," said a guy from Americans for Tax Reform of the Straw Poll. Isn't that the point? You guys believe in a free market, right? And on abolishing campaign finance reform? He paused. "You have a point," he said. "But that doesn't mean it means anything."

Ana Marie Cox is GQ's Washington correspondent.

Photo by Mark Taylor.

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Gratuitously magical. Hold on to these moments, Obama fans.

Ana Marie: I don't know if this is a metaphor for the mood at the White House or what, but Pete Souza sure is taking a lot of pictures of Obama's back.

Jason: Maybe Pete Souza will write a column for Politico about how frustrated he is with Obama withholding access? "How much money is left in your 'The Obama White House has a messaging problem' budget, VandeHei?"

Ana Marie: Seriously that is a lot of pix of Obama's ass. Ass in mom jeans!

Jason: When Sasha fished her golf ball out of the hole, was John Boehner there, sipping on a Slurpee?

Ana Marie: Tanning on top of an overturned car?

Tell you one thing: Our Special Envoy for Middle East Peace does not seem like he's paid very much attention to...no wonder it's been taking awhile!

"And now, folks, a special treat, as Hillary performs her favorite tunes from 'Anything Goes!'"

"Okay! Middle East Peace Process! Everyone synchronize their watches!"

Ana Marie: There's no way to get around a throws like a girl joke here.

Jason: There's also no way of getting around the fact that Bo could start for the Washington Nationals right now.

If this is how Obama looks before every staff meeting, I would be concerned.

Ana Marie: Ol' Joe Biden, telling that same story about how he was almost president. Again.

Jason: I think Rahm is mulling whether he wants to whip out that Hillary-for-Joe switch plan he's keeping behind his back.

Next: Obama's Secret Notes!

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So Ms. Cox was asked about the rapid and harrowing decline in her popularity and had this to say.

"Losing 1.3% of my Twitter followers is the kind of tragedy I would write a mocking Tweet about had I not come to realize that covering the minutiae of the lives and careers of the 'famous-for-DC' is exactly sort of bottom-of-the-bellybutton scraping that has caused so many Americans outside the Beltway to look upon our insular culture as something repellent, pitiable and possibly untenable," Ms. Cox wrote in a statement provided to The Awl. "By the way, is Fishtank hiring?"

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Jason: Oh, wow! You realize she's back in Michelle Obama's Kiss And Cry Room! (Previously, on Michelle Obama's Kiss And Cry Room.)
Ana: It actually looks like it may be a very special White House edition of What Not To Wear.

President Obama presides over the world's most boring game of Simon Says.

Obama's like: "You know, in my situation room, we have these wall sized iPads. But we can make due with these corkboards, I guess."

Ana: Poor Mayor of Gulfport, the only guy who wore a tie. I can't help but notice in the luncheon picture that someone did not even touch their hushpuppies.

Jason: It looks like every meal I have ever had on the Outer Banks, minus the joy (and the bourbon).

Ana: Blurry GOP, sad Obama. That's pretty much the narrative for 2012.

Jason: You just did Chuck Todd's work for him.

Ana: Put me on MEET THE PRESS, dammit!

Jason: God, I'd actually look forward to that show, if you were on it.

Orange Beach, Alabama's Tacky Jacks preps for its first "Wet POTUS contest!"

Jason: I despair of the way this White House Flickr page is organized! That Mike McFaul thing we already did is still on the front page!

Ana: YES. Though there is Reverend Falwell!

Jason: I think you mean Billy Graham, though it's an easy mistake to make.

Ana: Yes. Who is now so liver-spotted that he is also biracial.

Jason: Okay, well, now we've captioned that photo, haven't we?

And now, this month in "Obama pensively listening to the world fall apart around him in the Situation Room."

Next: Garth Brooks???

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Yeah, what this image doesn't capture is the moment DNC chair Tim Kaine tried to slip a twenty into Barack's waistband.

As a condition of aid, any nation in need has to agree to send their First Ladies — that's Elizabeth Preval of Haiti, above, and Ada Papandreou of Greece, below — to spend time in the Michelle Obama Kiss and Cry Room. (The degree to which each is turned to Michelle demonstrates their relative indebtedness.)

Yep. Someone let Obama wander too near the Lincoln portrait again!

Obama leaves his left-handed graffiti tag on some clean wall. So tough shit, gentrifiers.

Jeesh, what is with Rahm's purple pullover? Is that a loaner from Axelrod?

Seriously, who else gets their picture taken, going over paperwork?

When the White House wants to get a counter-cultural figure that's neither clean nor articulate, they get Bob Dylan.

Boehner and Obama discuss melanin.

BOEHNER: "Yeah, well it takes me this many trips to the tanning salon to achieve this rich, blood-orange color."

Here's how the Pete Souza "Hero, Pensively Framed" magic happens.

White House doctor Jeffrey Kuhlman, seen here tooling around in the "spare limousine," obviously needs a lesson from Sebelius on how to keep from spreading his goddamn germs around.

This is what Tim Geithner looks like when he is flirting. Now you know how that works.

What? Peter Orszag wears cowboy boots? Did he lose a bet or something?

Obama's personal aide is "Reggie Love." He doesn't just SOUND like a hot athletic star, he IS a hot athletic star. Joe Biden's personal aide, seen above, is "Fran Person" — if that is in fact his real name. But, uh, either way: suits him.

Meet Erskine Bowles and Alan K. Simpson, your National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform co-chairs. Hey, if those foreheads can't solve the financial crisis, whose forehead can?

Barack Obama meets with Leo McGarry.

Obama looks at pictures of people who have gotten high more than he has.

White House staffers pass the time on Air Force One playing Celebrity Password.

HARRY REID: "Yep, we're gonna pass health care reform by about THIS much."

Oh, America. Your second black president is still pretty white.

Uhm. Wow. Your move, Carla Bruni.

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But Hillary feared that her war vote would get her hooted off any campus where she spoke. (page 153)

The political gamble here was evident, but the upside was huge: If Clinton carried the caucuses, the nomination would be in the bag. (153)

They liked him and they didn't like her, and there would be no changing that-her negatives were just too deeply cooked into the casserole. (156)

But she still had plenty of surrogates ready to sink their canines into Obama's keister. (162)

Edwards had invited Ginsberg and Rubey to supper after seeing them at one of his events. He seemed touched that they were in Iowa, in light of the circumstances, about which he knew they were better versed than most. (169)

After Hillary left, Wolfson trundled in, bearing data from the first wave of exit polls. (188)

The next day, she resurfaced and began talks with Williams about finding a workable modus Vivendi for their jointly running the campaign. (195)

Seemingly out of nowhere, the race had suddenly turned racial with both Bill and Hillary being accused of insensitivity at best and perniciousness at worst. (197)

He's causing agita for us, she said. It's not good. (212)

Months later one of them shook his head and said in wonder, "It would take ten Freudians to explain what Bill Clinton did to Hillary in South Carolina." (213)

Barack didn't generally give a fig about endorsements. But the backing of Edward Moore Kennedy was an entirely different matter. (215)

Her Midwestern frugality made her a highly nervous Nellie about debt. (221)

Even when things had been going reasonably well, Clinton had never exactly been a buoyant Hubert Humphrey on the stump. But now her unhappy warriorhood was painfully evident. (224)

For than a month since South Carolina, Obama had been in the catbird seat. Now he braced for his turn in the barrel. (234)

And not just some ideas vomited verbally; he wanted to see paper. (244)

From Texas and Ohio onward, with a loaded gun pressed against her temple, she finally got with the program. (255)

Soon enough, the story was bannered on Drudge Report and being jibbered about on cable news. (257)

The unfolding scene was a semiotician's fantasia. (259)

The path to peace between the Obamans and the Clintonites would not be strewn with primrose. (262)

But the truth was, dangling over his head was a sword of Damocles invisible to almost everyone, if no less menacing for that. The blade was in the form of a newspaper article that was threatening to drop any day. McCain thought it might kill more than his shot at the nomination. He thought it might destroy his career and his reputation–even though the woman at the heart of the story insisted that she'd never even been alone with him. (304)

Once again, Grisolano legged it over to the Brown Palace to take a gander. (348)

Schmidt wanted to get them on the horn and have the history of her AIP registration checked immediately. (367)

Ana Marie Cox is the Washington correspondent for GQ.

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