To Whom Are all These People Talking on Their Phones? @9:00 AM
Hey now, really, to whom are all these people talking on their phones, all the time, behind the wheel, and in these stores and behind me and even in more improbable places, such as at the pedicurist's? Are you on the phone that much? Do you people not have text messages or something? I personally have answered my phone to only two people in the last sixteen days, and then I don't know who the rest of these people are (sorry, I don't know what the numbers are, and their attending people), and so I let it go to voicemail, except I keep my voicemail full, because I don't want any more voicemails. The voicemails I already have aren't doing much for me really. And is there some kind of phone that is just like, text and web and email and stupid apps but no actual telephone system? (Maybe just an emergency dial out thing? You know, for when I'm… hiking. And there are bears. (??)) But that wasn't what I was writing to say. My actual question was: is it appropriate for a man in his mid-late 30s to put "Telephone" on said outgoing voicemail, which then is followed by the phone company voice saying "Sorry, this voicemail box is full?" Today I might need a few cheap laughs like that. I might actually sit and stare at my phone and dare it to ring all day long. 47
The Greatest Essay Ever Written: How To Be America's Next Top Poet @3:05 PM
There are about 2000 extremely quotable things in this Jim Behrle essay on how to become America's Most Famous Ever Poet. It is fantastic. May I just quote three???
1. "We might believe that what the media term 'buzz' gets created organically—that everyone just starts tweeting about Jersey Shore episodes on their own, without any prompting. But it actually takes a concerted effort across a spectrum of sources to create the phenomena we have come to know and love. I learned this in the publicity office of a big-time Manhattan publisher, where most of my time was spent on my knees." And! READ MORE 21
"Why is my cat in better shape than I am? I go to the gym six days a week and torture myself there with fake skiing machines and iron maiden-like devices for hours on end. I eat all sorts of healthy food and pay attention to whether my fat is saturated or not and whether I am getting enough stuff like omega-3, whatever that is. And he just sleeps all day and eats whatever crap I feed him, plus bugs. Will I have to eat bugs? I don’t want to." @12:06 PM 8
The Internet: Awesome? Or Evil? @11:22 AM
"Recently, I found out my 13-year-old son had been visiting glove fetish Web sites with pornographic glove pictures." Is it great that the Internet gives us glove fetish websites for our children? Or is it a bad thing? I do not know. Neither does the advice columnist to whom this (rather overparenting) parent turned, but that's par for the course—she comes down awfully hard on the side of "no one will ever love this person with a glove fetish"! This seems really unfair, given that Fits Like A Glove, the gay glove fetish group, just had a super-fun outing to Six Flags! 15
Lucinda Rosenfeld's Advice Is: Don't Ever Talk About Anything @11:00 AM
Really, it is amazing: Lucinda Rosenfeld—even apart from her whole recent victim-blaming idiocy to-do—clearly has no business giving anyone advice! Here is her new advice column of three letters. In the first, she tells an advice-seeker to be silent and not express concern that a female friend is marrying a man who has sex with other guys but not his fiance. (Um!) In the second, she tells someone not to talk to a long-lost friend about the time her mother slept with her friend's father. She wraps up this hot mess by encouraging an advice-seeker to not confront a terrible friend. When the fuck is Lucinda Rosenfeld, 1952? How does she get through a day, having no idea how to behave? This is on a website for women! And this is all awful advice! 24
Stay Away From Asian Ladies @1:50 PM
"But if you try laughing and it doesn't work, the next step might be simply to try avoidance. Easier said than done, of course, if your wife has masses of Asian friends and you are completely steeped in Asian women, but if it's just a matter of your going all funny when you see one in a bar, then the answer would be simply to keep them out of eyeshot and turn away."
—Agony aunt Virginia Ironside advises a reader who has a worrying obsession with Asian women. 9
Dear Bill Thompson @10:31 AM
Dear Bill Thompson,
I have never met you. As far as I know, no one I know has ever met you. I couldn't pick you out of a lineup—and I can say that because I just now went Googling for a picture of you and I didn't even know you were black, so I didn't even know that saying that would have icky weird racist overtones! Seriously. WTF? And I say this as the kind of primary-voting nerd who briefly got into it with Leslie Crocker Snyder campaigners last night on the street. (So maybe I called her a killer, and maybe a bunch of Aborn campaigners laughed their heads off.) And yet here you are, the Democratic contender for mayor of New York. Right now, you are not going to be the mayor, to put it politely, which is to say, you are barely a blip on the map in a political landscape where the tiny Red Sox-loving mayor is a strangely dominant, compelling and, most importantly, famous entity. So what are you going to do? Who are you going to appeal to? READ MORE 11
Social A's: How Do I Deal With These Crazy Racists? @5:00 PM
Dear Answer Lady,
I need help. I grew up in Idaho, a pretty, if somewhat backwards, state. Recently, an acquaintance from high school posted this on Facebook [sic throughout]: "Isnt this great? Americans have put a socialist into the White House – a socialist who wants to indoctrinate our youth with his socialist agenda. Hitler was able to spread his ideas by appealing to German youngsters. Dont let obama get a hold of our children. Socialism always fails." READ MORE 67
Dear WH Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, You Are One Big Shine On TV @9:15 AM
Robert Gibbs, press secretary for Barack Obama (and former communications guy, lest we forget, for the 2004 anti-Howard Dean brigade!) took to the TV last night after Obama's speech. But you know what? We couldn't actually see him! This is just further proof that there are no homosexuals involved in the Obama White House. Here is what any sensible gay would tell him. READ MORE 6
Social A's: Teen Email Disaster! @4:00 PM
Dear Answer Lady,
I am a totally unfamous novelist in my late twenties. I sometimes get email from readers but it's rare enough enough that I am usually taken by surprise when it happens. My "fan mail" is flattering but also sometimes unnerving and/or a pain in the ass. Sometimes the emails take the form of traditional "I really liked your book!" but other times they are totally random and weird. One time someone asked what kind of underwear I wear, and could I please send a used pair. Other times I get emails from teenagers. READ MORE 30
Excellent Advice from Gossip Columnist and Lesbian Elsa Maxwell @3:35 PM
"Denise Hale went on to recall that when she first arrived in New York, aged 22, the society hostess Elsa Maxwell advised her how to throw great parties: 'Be ruthless, my child. Don't invite your favorite aunt and all your cousins.'" 6
Helpful Ergonomic Tips From Successful Novelist Plum Sykes To You! @12:36 PM
"Over time, sitting for long stretches weakens your core—the muscles that should hold you upright—and leads to far too much pressure on your back muscles… I had one-on-one lessons with Madonna's Pilates instructor in London…I do Pilates sessions twice a week and ride my horse twice a week (horse riding is excellent for strengthening the core, legs, and arms.) I never sit at the computer for more than 30 minutes without standing up and stretching. I have hired an assistant who types while I dictate." 14
"How do you get up in the morning and retain your optimism about the world?" @8:54 AM
In an ideal world, Mark Sanford actually would be an advice columnist and answer questions such as this! 6
Social A's: Do I Have To Go Visit Those Babies? @1:30 PM
Dear Answer Lady,
I'm a lady at or around the age of 30, as are many of my friends. I live way up at the top of Manhattan, in faraway Inwood, but many of my friends live down under Manhattan, in faraway Brooklyn. When I want to see one of my Brooklyn-dwelling friends, we generally get together somewhere in between, so neither of us has to make the 1-1.5-hour trek to the other's house (and back, which is usually worse, or more expensive, on account of it being at night). READ MORE 27
Social A's: Do I Acknowledge The Plight Of Gays At My Straight Wedding? @2:14 PM
Dear Answer Lady,
At my wedding [Ed. Note: Damn, it is wedding season up in this advice column!] in fast-approaching 2010 I would like to somehow recognize those in the audience who were or are unable to marry because they are gay. A wedding ceremony inherently contains a wealth of self-aggrandizing pats-on-the-back, but I feel like it's doubly in-your-face-haha-we-are-getting-married for those who can't do the same. Our audience will have both family and friends in those shoes, spanning the Greatest Generation to Gen X. What is a tasteful way to incorporate this sentiment into our all-too-hetero ceremony?
Mr. Conflicted Vows-Taker
p.s. The ceremony is not in a religious venue, obvs.
p.p.s. I don't mean recognize like "Hey, Anne, she's out there and cannot…" but more generally. Also obvs. READ MORE 23
Social A's: Can I Drop Out Of This Crazy Lady's Wedding? @12:00 PM
Dear Answer Lady,
My roommate from freshman year at college is getting married and she
asked me to be a bridesmaid. We're not that close anymore, but we do
have a certain history—she was just a few feet away when I lost my
virginity, after all—so I had to say yes. But I'm one of those
unemployed magazine people and the cost of the wedding is turning out
to be too much for me. First, there was the PowerPoint presentation
about dress options (Wang, Lhuillier). Then there was an invite to
the THREE bachelorette parties in LA (her hometown), New York (her
current residence), and Vegas (to be festive?). I should add that each
invite came with a spreadsheet itinerary for each party. But the real
cost seems to be my sanity, or, perhaps, hers. She has been sending
increasingly shrill and crazy emails about how none of her eight
bridesmaids is enthusiastic enough, paying her enough attention,
volunteering to help, etc. Can I drop out of this wedding? And what is
the best way to do it?
Sincerely,
Social A's: I Am A Hermit And Is That Okay? @12:51 PM
I am kind of a hermit. I didn't use to be. Anyway, I don't have any friends where I was transferred to three years ago (which is a pretty urban, cosmopolitan place, as long as you stay well within the city limits), unless you consider the Internet a land mass, nor do I feel like meeting or dating anybody or even having much sex even though I am gay and have quite an active libido. I am quite old, but I am fine with that too, much finer than I was with being young, in fact. Nonetheless, I'm conflicted about the fact that I think I'm fine with not having any friends, a mate or even anonymous sex, because I think that's weird or maybe I think that other people think that's weird. Does the fact that I occasionally think I am weird about this actually mean I'm weird about this, or am I just giving into the societal pressure exerted on me by my non-existent peer group and I'm really fine with it? Did I just answer my own question? Maybe I think I'm weird because at heart I know I'm damaged goods, and I just don't feel like discussing that 2 to 3 times per week, via Manhunt or in the Local Volleyball League? But what's wrong with that?
Social A's: I Can't Invite My Friends Over, As I Have No Drugs @2:00 PM
Dear Answer Lady,
I have these friends who, whenever I go over to their house, we smoke a ton of marijuana. I would like to return their hospitality, but I've never invited them to hang out at my place because I'm worried it would be awkward due to a lack of drugs on my part. I guess I could buy some just for the occasion, but I don't even really know how to go about doing so (when I used to smoke every day, my boyfriend dealt with the dealer) and … I just don't want to! Can I ask my friends to bring their own drugs, which I will then smoke?
Random Advice Column About Drunk Lesbians Misses Point Maybe? @12:24 PM
Also make sure you don't have sex with any men in front of your bossy, annoying, lesbian alcoholic sister. 2
Crystal clear! @4:40 PM
News you can use! "Mere hours out of the tap would not 'age' water that comes clean out of the tap in any way that would make it unsafe to drink. But guidelines on safe storage of water for emergency use, as well as common sense, suggest covering the glass, so dust and other contaminants do not settle into it." 0
Unlikely Tips From All Over @12:30 PM
"the recommended way to open doors after washing your hands is to use the paper towel you used to dry your hands to turn the knob. Unfortunately, many public places are now using blowdryers for hands, so I just grab some extra toilet paper."
Some of the most delightful reading on the Internet can be found in the letters section of the BBC's Magazine Monitor. There was a great one yesterday wondering about the declining usage of the word "shan't." 2