Yakkin' About Football
13

Winded And Rapey

Jeff: For the longest time, _________ was regarded as:

The Emmy Rossum of Practice Squad Linebackers The Ross Verba of Offensive Linemen of the ‘10s Nico Noga 2.0 The Barbara Corcoran of Challenge Flag throwers The Professor Griff of Tight Ends The Bob Barker of Onside Kicks The Josef Mengele of Quarterback Coaches The Hans Blix of Referees The Dale Carnegie of Strength Coaches Who Trip The Jeremy Shockey of Punters The Anthony Kiedis of Fullbacks The Freddie Mercury of Owners The Gordon Jump of Defensive Line Coaches The Gordon Lish of Offensive Coordinators The Antonino Gaudi of Wide Receivers The Robert Redford of Punters The Steve Kroft [...]

42

Please Make Smug Ford Guy Go Away

Jeff: Matt Hasselbeck’s “free agent status” is rising? People want him?

David: That can’t possibly be true. Is that true?

Jeff: The only NFL QB who looks older than Brett Favre.

David: I remember when Hasselbeck was younger than Brett Favre. There was a time when he was not exactly as old as Brett Favre, right? If I remember right, Hasselbeck was Favre’s backup sometime after Martin Van Buren had the gig, and directly before Aaron Brooks inherited the job.

16

The Milwaukee Space Program

Jeff: I’m wondering if there could ever be a Danny Woodhead poster hanging on a child’s bedroom wall.

David: You mean a child's Facebook wall? I don't think children have regular walls anymore. Just YouTube channels and hoverboards.

Jeff: I was kind of let down to see Woodhead with his helmet off after the Patriots blew out the Jets on Monday. He kind of looked like 68% the kid who plays the lead in the new Ed Burns movie and 32% Staind fan.

David: I do not like those odds.

Jeff: And I didn’t know this until I saw him without a helmet. I hadn’t been curious enough [...]

20

Arby's For Everyone

David: Okay. So, we're not actually breaking it, but Wade Phillips has now been fired for all of 15 minutes, I think. I imagine he's attacking a bag of Pillows™ right now.

Jeff: I have no problem taking credit for that scoop. I also have no problem saying I made last week’s Yakkin’ About Football SUCK. I was running on empty. I was so tired I only remember having a dream about Carly Simon while trying to IM. For my money, this was the best edition in case you have a friend or a foreign exchange student whom you want to read this. Tom Coughlin lit a [...]

22

Ryan Fitzpatrick Reads Slate

A charming series of digressions in which two gentlemen of leisure reflect on the game of football and its surrounding culture.

Jeff: Why does Parcells want to quit the Dolphins now? I read that he is slowly extracting himself. Are things too normal for him there?

David: His work is done there. I think he just wants to get back to coaching, to the fun part. You know, calling younger dudes faggots in the press. Does Parcells actually want to quit? I imagine him just stalking around some instant mansion in Alpine, New Jersey, screaming at paintings.

13

Brief Interviews With Hideous Football Players

Pro Bowl week. Concussion-recovery week. There is not a lot of football to talk this week, so Jeff and I will not be talking football in our usual fashion. That said, I'm still thinking about it, and the success of Yakkin' About Football has afforded us unparalleled and unprecedented access to some of the NFL's elite. And so, mostly because I could, I did a few short interviews with some Yakkin' About Football favorites about how they will spend the offseason, and deal with the possible work stoppage.

13

The Shoes Of The Trencherman's Wife Are Some Jive Ass Slippers

Jeff: I thought of two coaches we haven't talked about nearly enough. Jeff Fisher—who also employs wanton-bounty-finagler Chuck Cecil and whose team has not played since week 9? And then there’s Texans’ coach Gary Kubiak.

David: The poor, neglected AFC South. Teams I don’t care about playing in cities I don’t want to visit. Of the two of those coaches, Fisher’s the one I’ve actually thought more about, if only because he’s seemingly living this hilariously CBS-inspired Nascar Dad life. Always driving to the bad part of town to find out What Really Happened with his star wide receiver at the club that night. The idea would be like [...]

10

The Thanksgiving Day Only-Fantasy Football League

You've always wanted to try fantasy football, but you were worried that doing so would make you irresistibly attractive to members of the opposite sex. At work, people knowing you even dabbled in fantasy football would mean you'd be stuck taking regular breaks to accept on-the-spot sexual favors. Or, failing that, you keep meaning to watch the Detroit Lions lose by three scores on Thanksgiving afternoon, but are torn because sitting in a turkey-rank dining room drinking too sweet wine, talking about "life" with friends and family members is equally compelling.

This all gets fixed today.

15

The Best Restaurant In Jacksonville

Jeff: Do you think if Carl Paladino had been elected governor one of his first executive acts would have been to force the Buffalo Bills to invade Scotland? "To save New York, we must squash Scotland like a cheap vase underneath the wheels of a 1983 Ford Econoline van. Get on this pontoon boat, boys. We’re going to steal their rum. As long as men in skirts are still putting their lips to pipes, we’re going for it. I’ve drawn it all up on parchment papers and burned the edges. It’s go time, ladies." It’s a real shame that being an extreme asshole didn’t pay off for him, since [...]

30

Jacques Derrida Explains Brett Favre

The conversation continues. WARNING: Only as valid, logical and relevant as two confused men yammering at a tavern. Do not use this as a tool from which to make wagers.

Jeff: Are we supposed to know Pete Carroll is coaching in Seattle this year? And by we, I mean anyone in North America.

David: I only vaguely remember that Seattle is in the NFL anymore. I now have two of their crummy RBs on one of my fantasy teams. But that's about it.

25

The State Of Our National Pizza Conversation

Jeff: I don’t need Rex Ryan to put the brakes on his cockiness at this point. It’s like he’s already had an orgasm and is now reaching for cigarettes or a remote.

David: Jesus, does it have to be like that?

Jeff: Sorry for the visual.

David: Can’t it be like he just ate a three-foot long veal parm hero and is daubing ranch dressing off his mouth with a napkin—because Ryan dips parm sandwiches in ranch, der—and being glad he’s wearing sweatpants? Actually that is also gross. There is no way for this not to be gross. Why did you bring this up?

10

The Dan Hampton Lower-Body Tarp

Jeff: I am ready to talk about anything but the Jets.

David: I think that’s best. Fans are organizing sit-ins at Buffalo Wild Wings establishments across Long Island. North Jersey Living is spiking its “Rex Ryan On Veal Chops, Khakis and Looking Good At 275” feature. Fireman Ed Anzalone has been weepily sliding down the fireman’s pole, over and over again, at the Center Islip firehouse he calls home, and is refusing to spell any word aloud. It’s pretty bad.

25

How Little Patriots Are Made

David: If losing a football game feels like what Todd Haley looked like while he was scolding Josh McDaniels instead of shaking his hand after last Sunday's Chiefs game, it must really suck.

Jeff: I like the idea of an angrier Haley. That he can’t get over some indignity and it festers. But, sadly, he apologized already to Broncos coach Josh McDaniels, like a day later. It’s important because there’s maybe one good football team west of the Mississippi, and a feud like this would have put them back on the map.

26

The Flavor Of Tom Coughlin's Gum

A

21

Yakkin' About Football With David Roth And Jeff Johnson

The NFL was rocked today by news that the New England Patriots' Randy Moss is returning to his old club, the Minnesota Vikings-a club helmed by QB Brett Favre, who has openly pined for Moss since before "Guiding Light" was a hit soap opera. We asked Jeff Johnson and David Roth to make sense of it all.

Jeff: Does Randy Moss going back to the Vikings "excite" you?

David: Physically, yes. It definitely adds a new wrinkle to the way I feel about that team. Which was previously "Positive but also Favre." Now it's more "Very positive, but bemused but still also Favre."