The Week That Was
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A Week So Bad That An Actual Superhero Had To Come Save Us From It And Ourselves

Do you remember what happened this week?

Beyoncé

I’m not necessarily in the Beysus congregation but I sure as debt don’t knock it, either. When our beloved 'net is doubled over in self-fondling and editorial side stares during the slime-time of year called My Ranking Of Niche Garbage Ranks Higher Than Yrs, it’s gorgeous to see a Member of Modern Camelot release quality you can count on that spreads happiness and excitement throughout my visible spectrum. Tear up all your lists! Joy to the world, the Bey is come.

Golden Globe Nominations

Knives out! Award season is upon us, let the parade of faces begin! Good faces, [...]

1

What Happened This Week?

The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree

Every time I am silent or seemingly thinking or chewing or barely breathing and unoccupied what I’m really doing is praying fervently that our country devotes itself to dendrolatry and muck our polished patellae in a worshipper’s kneel unto Trees. And where does the Holiday Axe factor into this religion? I’ve always felt like Woolf’s Septimus, felt that they “beckoned; leaves were alive; trees were alive. And the leaves being connected by millions of fibres with [my] own body….” So this morning as the vile Vargoshe family hauled the cut carcass of a 12-ton Norway spruce like a bloodied buck on the roof of [...]

0

What Happened: "Gravity," Beer, Death Cab For Cutie, Throwback Thursday

Gravity (film) I’ve been cigarette-free for forty frustrating days and I still can’t hold my breath as long as the Movie Stars do on screen, a gargantuan screen, a screen the size of Forest Lawn Memorial Park, here at the “only real IMAX theater in the city” a friend has told me, and I’m not sure what he means but I believe him because he’s the kind of guy who knows about these things and has strong convictions about movies, a trait that I admire greatly. I’m out of calm-downers and I’m measuring my lung capacity every three minutes and gasping like a kid again. You see, that’s [...]

1

The Week Of The Stuff

This week:

A Supposedly True Thing Jonathan Franzen Said About David Foster Wallace

How To Read A Weather Map

The Rising Cost Of Candy

The Fake Stalker and His Secret Tumblr

Why Should We Demonstrate? A Conversation With An Activist and related Occupy Wall Street Coverage

Photo by Instant Vantage, via Flickr

0

It's The End Of The Week As We Know It

What are you doing this weekend? Sitting inside and moaning about the rain, probably. Here are a couple things to read in between your muffled sobs.

Kanye’s '808s': How A Machine Brought Heartbreak To Hip Hop

Embrace Your Prairie Looks And Make Some Applesauce

The Rogue, Undefeated, Reformed and Saved Sarah Palin

Dear FBI Hottie Ali Soufan

The Fascinating Art On Show At The California State Bar Convention

1

Did You Live Through This Week, Y/N?

If you'll excuse me now, I'll have my face buried in 105 minutes of CGI apes and James Franco. Hello air conditioning, goodbye cognition. When you come back inside this weekend, some things to enjoy:

A guide to creepy islands, from Carcass to Mafia to our favorite: Funk Island!

New baby or new house: which has more awesome gear?

John Flansburgh and Jonathan Coulton talk about their feelings.

We can help you understand the debt ceiling, sorta!

Hüsker Dü, 1983 to 1987, in order.

Photo by Marc Flores

0

Six Take-Aways from the Four-Day Week

• "Canadians booing? That's like being spit on by an angel."

• "Make no mistake, this is a pornographic novel. It's not, oh, it's the 18th century, and he runs his hand over her heaving bodice, blah blah. It is pure filth."

• "NBA players get pedicures, so can you… bro."

• "There is a cat you will be caring for."

• "I am gonna produce a play called 'Al Pacino On A Beach' and it won’t have any actors, it will feature a different audience member reading the script every night doing that Al Pacino impression all humans have within them."

[...]

2

You Won't Believe The Shit That Happened This Week That You Already Don't Remember

Everyone was so riled up about culture this week that I had to drink a whole bottle of ACME Acid every morning just to cope with my pointless existence. What kind of bullshit did we jerk our jaws off for? Come, let me chew your food with my metal teeth and my dashing enzymes!

Selfies

Call me the Lizard Lord of Dooftopia and spank me silly with the atrocities of change! Shower me in selfies of varying qualities, poor lighting, and Vampiric Vanity! Listen, butterfly thinkers, the telegram didn’t cut us down and the telephone made us say I Love You more. Let visual communication of Self spread even [...]

3

What Happened This Week? Funeral Selfies, Sky Ferreira, Speedy Ortiz, Halloween

Funeral Selfies What a fine time to be alive! Quick rundown on ME: I’m a fun loving radical anarchist who stops for garage sales, goes all in for allspice, and enjoys a low-cal beer bong. I’ve got feet for hands and my hobbies include Godzilla, being ~cheeky~, and totally breaking down barriers, whether they be social, cultural, political, or literal barriers at concerts, sporting events, Thanksgiving Day parades et. al, because CAN'T TELL ME NOTHIN and also HARDER BETTER FASTER STRONGER. Whip the lambo when drunk but still got love for PETA. You see, we out here, and we are the change we want to see in the [...]

3

What Happened: Lorde, "SNL," The Shutdown, A Facebook Status, This Charming Backpack

Sharon Curts’ Facebook status claiming she has “OCD: Obsessive Christmas Disorder” Sure it’s barely October and sure thirty thousand fake-friends of mine would designate this passing acquaintance as “basic” and fifteen north of Sac might even say “hella basic bruh” but in between the IDGAF and the “post as anonymous” and the blue-white silent screams of “this over that” I can’t help but mirth the fuck up and cinnamon my bristle to calm the cuss in my mouth and say Sharon if you love Christmas that much that you’re getting hard three months out then praise be to your heart and your love wherever it may fall and fall [...]

1

This Is The Way The Week Ends

Some things happened this week. These are the ones we can remember: We praised the skills of director Tom Scharpling, spent some time in police custody, read Duff McKagan's autobiography, visited with heroic dogs, examined a contentious trademark fight and explained what a Cheryl Cole is. Somebody died. Oh, yeah, and we launched a new website. It was actually a pretty busy week, all told. AND NOW IT'S OVER. Thank the Lord.

Photo by Bogie Harmond, via Flickr

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The Season Of Farewell

What a remarkable day it was today! All the beauty of autumn without any of its accompanying regrets, because as it's still "technically" summer you haven't had time to accrue fall's failures yet. But make no mistake, summer is over. And with the end of the season, it comes time for us to say farewell to our summer reporters. It seems like only yesterday that we first bid them hello. Time passes so quickly! Let us all applaud them for the excellent work they've done. Here are a couple of pieces you'll want to read again (or perhaps for the first time). Keep an eye out for [...]

1

Gird Yourselves for August

Oh my God, what are you guys doing this weekend?

"12 CDs for the price of 1?" No thanks!

Korean-American adoptees on their first trips to Korea.

America's Tea Party and Anders Breivik

"Just because you write most of a book doesn’t mean you can finish and sell a book." (Ruh roh!)

• Here comes August! Consider it proved: it's the month when real scandals grip the country and we pay attention to other things.

• And this weekend is going to be toasty. There may be cooling centers! Mmm, cooling.

Photo by Nicole Cash.

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31 Things We Won't Miss Missing Out On

We guess this is it. Goodbye forever! Here's some of what we're glad to be skipping.

• The 2012 presidential election

Titanic 3D

• Having to stand outside a park to finish a cigarette

• Unavoidable and mostly identical essays on the meaning of Bob Dylan on the occasion of his 70th birthday

• Unavoidable and mostly identical essays on the meaning of Bob Dylan on the occasion of his demise (I mean, stay healthy, Bob, but it's gonna happen some day)

• The rap-rock revival

1

The Five Most Important Things This Week

Veterans Day

Double-dripped from generations above we Hansons were military men until Me With My Many Feelings destroyed the line. You see, Papa was a California dream-machine with brass curls but he flipped his coin for the US Army to save our family. His brother followed in double-time. Grandpa hugged missile silos in Alaska during Korea and there’s rumor someone before him rode rough with Ol’ Theodore. Both my mothers’ fathers were pilots and both died before the Internet—one in Vietnam, the other with cancerous lungs. And it’s knuckle-hard to disagree while beaming respect but that’s the blood they bought for me, to be whiny problematic conflicting dodging and downright [...]

0

What Happened: Katy Perry, Balthus At The Met, Arcade Fire, "Chasing New Jersey"

Katy Perry’s PRISM This album is a nearly perfect pop album if you happen to be a Katy Perry fan. If not, I don’t know what to tell you. I like her. I like her enthusiasm. I like most of her songs, I like the way she looks and I like the sound of her voice. What else do you need in a pop star? Though I have a feeling this album is a bit of a “something for everybody” type recording, especially as it’s a bit too long, and fans of hers will have varying likes and dislikes (“Walking On Air” sucks! It sucks so hard!). It’s [...]

3

Here Are Some Things We Ran This Week

Martin Luther King Jr.’s Lessons For Occupy D.C.

Translating A Norwegian First Novel: A Q. & A. With Kerri Pierce

The Dr. Phil-You-With-Horror-O'-Lantern

Some Baseball Art To Enjoy With The World Series

Why the Tea Party Hates Occupy Wall Street

An Inquiry Concerning the Distinctness of the Principles of Natural Theology and Morality

Photo by Grim Santo., via Flickr

2

The Week We Showed September The Door

If all goes according to plan, tomorrow will be the day that the weather finally catches up with the calendar. That weird sense of unease that we've all felt while waiting for the season to assert itself will finally be lifted, and we will be thrown headfirst into autumn. Finally, the feeling of promise we always have at this time of year—now we're going to get serious, this is when it's really going to happen for us—will settle in alongside the lower temperatures, the smell of smoke, playoff baseball and warm alcoholic drinks with breakfast. The feeling will last until, oh, the end of October, when the Christmas [...]

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There's A Chance Of Rain This Weekend

What are you still doing here? Haven't you heard? Big storm's a-comin'! You should be out right now panic shopping! Few of the preparedness guides I have seen thus far have addressed this matter with sufficient import, so I will bring it up: Do make sure you are well stocked for alcohol. People tend to forget to check the liquor cabinet while they load up on bottled water and crackers, but believe me, if you are trapped in your apartment for a couple of days the LAST thing you want to do is go into convulsions because you neglected to pick up an extra handle of Wild Turkey. Also, remember [...]

4

The Week We–OH GOD IT'S HOT

This week: Cold soup! The Mekons! When baseball goes into the stands! Cooling pictures of fireworks! And if you can handle the heat, the argument about Harvard goes on. Don't go outside! Just… don't move. And DON'T DIE IN THE HEAT. We have special things for you next week!

Photo by Guian Bolisay